("MY COUNTRY 'TIS OF THEE" PLAYING)
MAN: Give us your tired, your poor,
your huddled masses yearning to breathe free...
and looking for a government handout,
a free lunch and a dental plan too...
the wretched refuse of your teeming shore,
your unwashed yellows and browns
and all colors in between,
Jews and gentiles, Muslims and Hindus
and anyone else with funny hats,
and we will make fun of them.
And now the white ladies.
Gosh, Nancy, I just don't know what to do.
What's the matter, Sue?
Last week a man moved into the house next door,
and he's African-American. But when we were introduced,
I wasn't overcome with feelings of rage or animal fear.
Gee, sue, sounds like you've met a non-threatening black man.
A non-threatening black man? What's that?
A male negro who fails to trigger
the customary fight-or-flight response in Caucasian women
due to his nonspecific physical and socio-cultural attributes,
like Al Roker or Bryant Gumbel.
But if he's a non-threatening black man, why isn't he a newscaster?
Oh, Sue, not every non-threatening black man is a newscaster.
Some of them work in advertising and politics.
Is that allowed?
In some states.
Gosh, this is all so confusing.
What should I do?
Move. He may be non-threatening to you,
but your property values won't know the difference.
You're right. I'll go home and start packing right away.
But what'll I tell the kids?
Tell them to fear people who are different.
Thanks, Nancy.
What would I do without you?
MAN: And now please join us
in the singing of our national anthem,
performed today by international recording artist
and fourth runner-up in the miss Newark beauty pageant
miss Tarnishe D'Silver.
Ahem.
♪ Oh say ♪
♪ can you ♪
♪ see ♪
♪ by the dawn's ♪
♪ early ♪
♪ light ♪
♪ light light ♪
♪ light ♪
♪ the dawn's so fucking early in the morning ♪
♪ the dawn is too fucking early ♪
♪ in the morning ♪
♪ and this light, this light... ♪
(DOO-WOP MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ bom bom bom ♪
♪ dip-dip Dee bom bom bom ♪
♪ dip-dip Dee bom ♪
♪ wah wah wah ooh ♪
♪ bom bom bom ♪
♪ dip-dip Dee bom bom bom ♪
♪ dip-dip Dee bom ♪
♪ wah wah wah ooh ♪
♪ bom bom bom ♪
♪ dip-dip Dee bom bom bom ♪
♪ dip-dip Dee bom ♪
♪ wah wah wah ooh ♪
♪ bom bom bom ♪
♪ dip-dip Dee bom bom bom ♪
♪ dip-dip Dee bom ♪
♪ wah wah wah ooh. ♪
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
(CROW CAWING)
(IRISH ACCENT) Well now, mister,
are you ready to behave yourself like a good little boy
and join the rest of the class?
Well, I'm ready,
but can I ask you a question?
Yes, Charlie. What is it?
What does a priest get when he wants pussy?
What?
Nun. Get it?
Shit! Fuck!
Jesus! Ah, Christ!
Ass rape! Help!
I said quit it, you dyke!
Uncle.
Young man, one day
you're going to wind up in prison
on your way to hell!
I'll show 'em.
I'll show 'em all.
One day I'm gonna make a movie
with nothing but...
Jokes.
A whole movie... nothing but jokes.
I don't follow.
MAN: Look, you guys used to be big... huge.
You went national, lampooning everything in sight.
Before your "Saturday night live," your comedy central,
it was your guys' name synonymous with funny.
Better times.
Well, this is how you get it back.
You forget all this new media, viral video shit
and you get back to the funny.
Jokes are funny.
- Just jokes? - Dirty jokes.
You want to make an entire movie out of just dirty jokes?
- You got it. - Just one after another?
- That's right. - But that's not a movie.
I could be. Look at "the aristocrats."
"The aristocrats" got a lot of heat.
Maybe we should do something like that.
Yeah, but "the aristocrats" is a movie about a joke.
Right, so this will be even better.
What if we did a 90-minute live-action "aristocrats"?
I love it. It pops.
Did you actually see "the aristocrats"?
- No. - It's a joke about a family
that sodomizes their children and defecates all over each other.
You think it's not a good idea?
A boy fucking his mom while her husband
is humping their golden retriever in the ass?
How would we even shoot that?
- Do a lot of it in editing. - Sure, stock footage.
Okay, so how are we gonna film a guy
shitting into his daughter's mouth?
C.G.I.
Well, we're still gonna need a star.
Real or C.G.I.?
'Cause what star is gonna shit in a little girl's mouth?
It would prove he's not gay.
He's not gonna do that on camera.
He doesn't work with animals anyway.
True true. Forget it. No "aristocrats."
But I'm not sure that a dirty-joke movie
is sending our brand in the direction I think we should be heading.
Are we talking about sick, mind-numbing depravity,
gratuitous nudity and cheap sex?
If we do it right.
Look, tits alone aren't gonna do it anymore.
But tits plus funny is box-office gold.
Jokes are funny.
So you get tits with jokes... we're rolling.
Lawyer jokes, doctor jokes, blonde jokes?
Midget jokes, dead baby jokes.
No no no no no, no dead baby jokes.
Okay, maybe no dead baby jokes.
What about racist jokes?
Oh, that could get a little touchy.
- There's a way to do it. - How?
A racist joke's only racist
depending on who's telling it.
We could get one of your minorities to tell the racist joke.
Could we have racist jokes with the word nig...
the n-word?
No way, huh-uh. It's out of the question.
These days if you make a racial slur in public, you know what they do?
They send you to rehab. And I am not going back to rehab.
- Come on. - No, he's right.
You know, I mean, that's a bridge too far even for us.
MAN: So how would this work?
Look, hey, guys, it's simple.
A guy walks into a bar,
sees the bartender... a beautiful woman...
says to her, "give me five shots of whisky."
She pulls up the glasses, lays them down on the bar,
starts pouring... one, two, three, four, five.
He's slamming them back as fast as he can.
The bartender says, "celebrating something?"
He goes, "my first blowjob."
The bartender says, "in that case, let me buy you a beer."
He goes, "no thanks.
If this doesn't kill the taste, nothing will."
Ba-dump-bump-crash! There's your movie.
But that's not a movie.
WOMAN: Uh! Uh!
Yes! Yes!
(MOANING)
Yes.
Uh!
Oh baby.
Oh, that was good.
Oh, I really...
I really gotta go now.
Oh no, don't go to work, baby.
Let's go again, huh?
No, I've really gotta go to work.
- Oh please? One more time. (PHONE RINGING)
Oh, that's them. Hold on.
Shh, be quiet.
Hello.
This is Donovan. Where the fuck are you?
I'm sorry. I can't come in to work today.
I'm sick.
You're sick? You don't sound sick. How sick are you?
Well, right now I'm fucking my sister.
Hey.
I'd love to get in your pants.
That's disgusting. Why would you say that?
'Cause I just took a big shit in mine.
Oh, this guy is fucked.
(PHONE RINGS)
Emergency room.
MAN: Doctor, doctor, I don't know what to do.
My wife is going into labor
and her contractions are coming really fast.
Okay, is this her first child?
No, this is her husband.
(BANJO MUSIC PLAYING)
(SHEEP BLEATING) (COWS MOOING)
MAN: I wish that was Britney Spears's ass.
(PIG SNORTS)
I wish that was Paris Hilton's ass.
I just wish it was dark.
Good meeting, boys. Hey listen, kid, you go work on those storyboards.
- You come with me. - Okay.
That guy doesn't really seem to get it.
Are you sure he's the right person to direct this thing?
He's non-union.
Oh, say no more. He's perfect.
All right, so we'll set you up in a production office
- down near the receptionist. - I didn't see the receptionist.
She died in the world trade center.
- Oh, on 9/11? - No.
We're gonna need some real comedy chops on this.
And you know who we should get to write it?
- No. - My son.
Oh sure, a trained monkey could write this script.
- And not ask for residuals. (BOTH LAUGH)
Your only obstacle is getting it past this board.
- Leave it to me. - Hey!
Save your attitude, okay?
These people have been running the comedy business
since Richard Pryor was in short pants.
And you don't get in that kind of position
unless you're a bunch of ruthless, cantankerous sons of bitches.
If they smell fear, they'll rip off your balls
and shit on your children.
I don't have children.
Just watch yourself.
(DOOR BANGS) (CIRCUS MUSIC PLAYING)
MAN: I-17.
Give me my smokes, you fucking bandit.
MAN: B-2.
(SNIFFS)
Wow.
MAN #2: You said it.
Don't make any sudden moves.
N-34.
(FARTS) - What's that?
- WOMAN: God damn it, stupid fucking... - I made a stinky.
My God.
- G-51. - Bingo.
(GIGGLING)
You cocksucker.
I fucked your mother!
Yes, you did.
Take your medication, dad, huh?
- May I have your attention, please? - Bingo.
- Right. (BANGING)
- I want my 45¢ back, you motherfucker. - Ladies and gentlemen...
- Bingo. (KEYS JINGLING)
- Can I have your attention? - WOMAN: That's bullshit.
Can I... can I have your attention?
- Mmm? (RECORD SCRATCHES)
It is my pleasure to tell you about our new venture
in feature filmmaking.
We're going to make a movie
that is going to take this company
right back to its roots.
You're on.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
And first off, may I say what an honor...
(HISSES) (MAN LAUGHS)
Uh, now this feature
that I am proposing
- is a film made up... - Help me.
...entirely of jokes.
What's the story?
Good question.
There is no story.
(BOTH MOANING)
It's jokes acted out.
(CRICKETS CHIRPING)
Just jokes? You mean, like knock-knock jokes?
Not exactly. These jokes are gonna be a little edgier.
Like the chicken-crossed- the-road jokes.
Yes and no. A little more "no" than that but...
well, I think there ought to be whore jokes.
What's the difference between an onion and a dead whore?
I cried when I cut up the onion.
(LAUGHING)
- Okay. - Very good, Eleanor.
Why was there 4000 Mexicans at the Alamo?
They only had three cars.
What's the difference between a homo
and a refrigerator?
A refrigerator don't fart when you pull out the meat.
(FARTING)
- That it? - I think we're done here.
I'm so gonna lose my license.
Why is that?
I fucked three of my patients.
Oh, who cares?
My brother is a doctor. He sleeps with patients all the time.
Yeah, but is he a veterinarian?
Hey, birthday boy.
Your friends hired me to come over here
and give you some hot super sex.
I'll take the soup.
What's the difference between a priest
and acne?
Acne doesn't come on your face till you're 12.
Fuck you, freak!
Oh hey, cheap trick.
I told you, keep that on the corner. Don't bring it in here.
All I want is a drink.
What the hell? It's a slow night anyway.
Tell me about it.
You can pay for this?
Why don't you take it out of this?
Got anything smaller?
(MUZAK PLAYING)
(WHIRRING)
Excuse me,
I'm looking for a big-time Hollywood producer.
Morty, my main man!
Get over here, you big shit. Come on, hug.
A big big hug.
That's a hug, all right. Let go.
- How are you doing, bubi? - Oh, can't complain.
You know, getting settled in, a little tight.
Hey, no worries.
Wait a minute, you did something.
There's something different.
What did you do?
I don't know. What did I do?
Oh wow, that's some beautiful work.
- $89.99. - That's a great deal.
Yeah, he owed me. Have a seat.
Yeah.
So they went for it, huh?
Yeah, shimmy in just a bit.
Hit the button right there.
Yeah, can you believe it?
Yeah, go figure.
And how does this one go? Nothing but riddles?
- Jokes. - Jokes, yes, jokes.
- So? - So I have an investor.
Oh, beauteous!
Yeah, a great guy too. I know him from temple...
real respectable, upstanding, a real family man.
He sponsors my kid's soccer team.
Oh, a nice guy. What's he do?
He owns those jerk-off booths over on eighth Avenue.
Nice. So he can put up the whole nut?
- People like to jerk off. - Okay.
He's in, but he does have one condition.
Oh dang it. What, girlfriend an actress?
Nah nah, when I told him it was a joke movie,
he said for his money he wants us to make fun of the muklehs.
He wants Arab jokes?
Yeah, they're dirty, they ride camels, so forth.
"Ride camels." Consider it done.
Fantastic. Here you go.
Oh, thank you, sir.
You are welcome.
So what stars do you have for this movie?
A little too early to tell,
but we're talking to Clooney's people, Matt Damon.
Really?
Hey, we just got a call. Piscopo's out.
Joe Piscopo's out?
- Who's Joe Piscopo? - Exactly.
(INSECTS CHIRPING)
Mommy,
where do babies come from?
Well, babies...
they come from the stork.
Who fucks the stork?
(PIGS SNORTING, CHICKENS CLUCKING)
Hello.
Pardon me.
I'm afraid I'm lost, you see.
- Who are you? - I'm looking for the Hopkins inn.
You with the government?
No no, lord no. I'm from London actually.
London?
Shit, you a long way from home, boy.
What you do up in england?
Oh, I'm a taxidermist.
A taxi-what?
A taxidermist.
What's that mean?
It means I mount dead animals.
It's okay, boys. He's one of us.
Why can't arab children take
driver's ed and sex ed on the same day?
Their camels get too tired.
Arr!
It's the damnedest thing, doc.
I've lost all hearing on my right side.
(BEEPING) - I think I found the problem.
You had a suppository in your ear.
I guess I know where my hearing aid is.
(BEEPING CONTINUES)
Your battery is low.
What?
Your battery is low!
(GROANS)
Dad, you wanted to see me?
Yeah, come in. Close the door.
You know that movie we're doing?
Look, it's just like those e-mails
you send me all the time, so I want you to write it.
But I've never written a movie before.
So? Before last year
you'd never written a novelty t-shirt before.
Look what a good job you did with those.
I still haven't gotten paid for these.
Oh yeah? Well, we'll look into it.
Right now we need some dirty, filthy jokes.
How dirty? I mean, can we even find actors willing to do that stuff?
Actors are whores.
That's one of the founding principles of this business.
One time in Nashville I got an actor to jerk off on an oatmeal cookie.
On camera?
No, but that's not the point.
The point is they want to be in a hit.
And if this movie is half as good as your t-shirts,
we're gonna be on top again.
Here, take this.
- How's your mother? - They had to amputate.
Give her my love.
Are you the manager?
Actually, no.
Oh.
Can you get him for me?
Well, he's not here right now.
Is there anything that I could do for you?
Yeah.
Can you give him a message for me?
What message should I give him?
Tell him...
There's no toilet paper in the ladies' room.
What do a gynecologist and a pizza boy
have in common?
They can smell it, but they can't eat it.
Hey, Freddy taught me some cool new swears.
Yeah?
Check this out.
What do you want for breakfast, Johnny?
Fix me up some motherfucking pancakes, bitch.
You don't talk to me like that, you little bastard!
Go to your room. Think about it. You, what do you want?
I don't know, but it sure as shit ain't pancakes.
Hi, doc.
So how have you been?
I'm sorry, do I know you?
Yes, you're the father of one of my children.
Oh my God.
You're the stripper that I fucked at my bachelor party
while your friend spanked me
and shoved a cucumber up my ass.
No, I'm your son's English teacher.
How's your yorkie?
Hold on. I just wrote this one down.
How many Polacks does it take
- to screw in... (MUZAK PLAYING)
(CHUCKLES) Funny.
All righty, now what was it?
I don't think you got what I was saying in the script notes.
What were you saying?
What I was saying is that if we just have
nothing but jokes one after another,
there's no story.
Which of these is funnier?
- I don't care. - Fair enough.
What I was saying is that I don't think
anyone's gonna sit through this entire movie
without a story.
That's all I'm saying.
So what are you saying?
We have to find a narrative...
a beginning, a middle
and an end.
So what if we take
all the characters from the jokes...
the main characters like the dumb blonde,
little Johnny, the pedophile priest...
and we give them a backstory?
Like what's-my-motivation kind of shit?
Yeah, like maybe little Johnny spent some time in foster care.
Or the dumb blonde used to be a guy, and now she's gender-confused.
- Maybe. - Fuck no! They're jokes...
setup, punch line, onto the next one. Come on.
Look, even in a porno film
the guy shows up with the pizza.
We know the girl has ordered the pizza.
We know he is there to deliver the pizza.
There is a story.
So you want the priest to deliver a pizza?
(RECORD SCRATCHES)
I'm confused.
You know what? Forget it.
- I guess a priest could deliver a pizza. - Never mind.
Or a rabbi comes to fix the cable.
- Forget I even brought it up. - Suit yourself.
Other button.
Good boy.
A blue-ball joke.
Mr. Siguera.
Yeah, how is she, doc?
I have good news and I have bad news.
And the bad news is the accident was very severe.
She has a ruptured esophagus,
so you're gonna have to feed her through a tube daily.
- Okay. - We had to amputate both her arms,
so you're gonna have to help her in the bathroom
and pretty much wipe her ass for the rest of her life.
Oh God.
There's gonna be a white milky discharge coming from her vagina.
Don't worry. It's normal but very pungent.
So make sure that you change her diaper every three to four hours.
Oh God. What's the good news?
I'm just kidding. She's dead.
Hey, babe, you wanna fuck?
Oh, I have a gynecologist appointment in the morning.
I can't.
Do you have a dentist appointment?
So there we were in Africa on safari
tracking a giant man-eating lion for days.
Finally we made camp.
And that night,
just as I was falling asleep,
the lion tore into my tent and roared...
rr-arrgh!
I shit in my pants.
Oh. Well, that's okay. If there was a lion in my tent,
I would have shit my pants too.
No, not then. Just now when I went "rarr-gh!"
I shit in my pants.
Did you hear about the Polish girl
who dropped her gum in the toilet?
She chewed the shit out of it.
Arr!
♪ Through the perilous ♪
♪ fight ♪
♪ everybody was kung fu fighting ♪
♪ pick up a bottle and hit her ♪
♪ upside her head now ♪
♪ 'cause you're fine ♪
♪ don't want to get your pretty face messed up ♪
♪ I know I don't want to get my pretty face messed up... ♪
all right, having our first audition,
making a movie, having an audition.
- Mm-hmm. - Did you call the actors?
The casting director does that.
Right right.
Having an open call,
a cattle call, as they say.
Come in, the first actor!
Give it to me.
What's the difference between a pussy and a cunt?
A pussy is warm, wet
and feels awesome on your cock,
and a cunt's the bitch that owns it.
We'll give you a call.
(PEN SCRATCHES)
What did one gay sperm say to the other gay sperm?
"How am I gonna find the egg through all this shit?"
Next!
You hear about the guy who had five cocks?
A condom fit like a glove.
Oh.
Next!
What do women and tornadoes have in common?
They moan when they come and they take the house when they leave.
(LAUGHS)
- Thank you. - He seemed fine.
Oh, trust me.
I know the funny.
Next!
How do you know when your wife is really dead?
The sex is the same, but the dishes start piling up.
Next!
What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea?
A salad shooter.
Next. Next. Next. Next.
What's round, long, hard and has seamen in it?
A submarine.
- MAN: Thank you. - Hey!
Let me, please.
You got something, kid.
I can feel the funny flowing from you,
but you're just not letting it go.
You gotta share the funny,
draw us in with the funny,
seduce with the funny that God gave you.
Take off your top.
Okay.
This is funny.
All right, now let it flow.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?
A prostitute stops fucking you once you're dead.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Is that a boom Mike in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?
(LAUGHING)
How does a hillbilly girl know her mother is on the rag?
Her brother's dick tastes really nasty.
BOTH: Were we really that funny?
Hilarious.
Yay!
You were so funny, I think I came.
Yay!
- We'll call. - Yay!
(WHISPERS)
What did I tell you?
The funny... you could smell it off 'em.
I think I smelled something too.
- Whew. - WOMAN: Excuse me.
I tell you, this auditioning thing is exhausting. I need a nap.
- WOMAN: Excuse me. - I think we still have a few actors left.
No no no, tell them the shop is closed, come back tomorrow.
Hey, douche bags, I'm not here to listen to you ladies yak.
Who do I have to fuck to get a part around here?
I think I just got a second wind.
Hold all my calls.
- You don't have a phone. - Right.
Morning. Welcome to the Hopkins inn.
A little hair of the dog that bit ya?
Give me a drink... anything but gin.
Oh, you're not a gin guy, huh?
I hate that shit.
I drank a whole fifth of gin last night and blew chunks.
Oh buddy, you drink a fifth of anything...
you're bound to blow chunks.
No, you don't understand.
Chunks is my dog.
A kid lost his gym shorts?
Yeah, a pair of boys' gym shorts.
These aren't boys' gym shorts. These are girls' gym shorts.
No, they're not. It's a pair of boy' gym shorts.
Look, I've been doing this for a long time.
I know a pair of girls' gym shorts when I see 'em.
Well, then you know that those are boys' gym shorts.
- You're wrong. - Oh please, you're wrong.
Look, these are girls' gym shorts.
It's a pair of boys' gym shorts.
Hey hey hey, what's the problem here?
He's put up a lost-and-found notice for boys' gym shorts,
and they're obviously girls'.
(SNIFFS)
Boys' gym shorts,
but not from my parish.
Where do you find a one-legged dog?
Wherever you fucking left it.
(SIGHS) Get ready for a long shift...
a pileup on the Major Deegan...
bus bringing 10 bodies.
Damn.
Did you finish that autopsy report
on the Jane Doe we fished out of the river?
Yeah, blunt force followed by asphyxiation.
Three days floating in the Hudson didn't help either.
You wouldn't believe her clitoris...
like a dill pickle.
Green?
The other mortician goes, "eh, a little sour."
(BOTH LAUGH)
It's a little...
"clitoris" is a little strong for me.
Vulva?
Okay okay, how about this one?
Why did they bury the dead homo face down?
In case his friends wanted to drop by for a cold one.
No. God no.
Oh, I like that. Put that on the board.
No, do not touch that marker.
- Why not? - Why not?
Look, we're not doing straight necrophilia jokes,
so we're certainly not gonna do gay necrophilia jokes.
You got a problem with gay jokes? Put it on the board.
Do not touch that marker.
Why? Since when is gender preference
any kind of factor in fucking a corpse?
You say that like it's from personal experience.
No, it's just that...
you don't like gay jokes, do you?
No, I...
gay jokes are fine. I... I like gay jokes.
What are you talking about?
How can you tell if you're at a gay picnic?
How?
- All the hot dogs taste like shit. - Ha!
That's not funny. I don't have a problem. It's just not funny.
- Yes, it is. - No, it's not.
- You're gay, aren't you? - No, I'm n...
I've got a wife and three kids.
Fine.
No gay jokes.
It's cool.
I guess no Puerto Rican jokes either.
Puerto Rican? I'm Jewish.
Wait, hold on, hold on, I got one.
What do you call an open can of tuna in a dyke's apartment?
Potpourri.
See, now that's funny. That is funny.
So we can make fun of the carpet munchers but...
it's cool. I get it.
- Get what? - Nothing.
That is a fabulous belt you're wearing, by the way.
Oh, thank you... I know what you're doing.
Dad, I think my gym teacher's gay.
Oh?
Why do you say that?
Because he closes his eyes when I kiss him.
I was so sorry to hear about your wife.
We were all praying for her.
Thanks. Thanks so much.
At least she's not suffering anymore.
She was in that coma for so long.
I know.
Just when we thought she might pull out of it...
really?
They did everything they could do.
And then the doctor said
some pleasurable stimulation
might bring her out of her coma.
He asked if she liked oral sex.
Boy, did she.
So he said
some really vigorous oral action
might take her out of her coma.
So I tried it.
What happened?
I don't know. I think she choked.
Oh God, I'm so ashamed, man.
I know I'm going to hell for the things I've done.
- Oh? What have you done? - Fucked people's pets.
Oh, that'll get you in. You are going straight to hell.
- How would you know? - I'm getting my theology degree.
- Really? Where? - Online.
So what do they say about hell?
Well, it's really not so bad. Do you like to get high?
- Love it. - Well, you're gonna love Mondays.
On Mondays it's 420 all the time.
You can get as high as you want. You can do as much drugs as you want.
You won't overdose 'cause you're already dead.
Sweet.
- Do you like to gamble? - You bet.
Well, you will love Tuesdays,
'cause you can gamble all you want and lose all your money.
'Cause you don't need money in the afterlife.
No alimony.
- And are you gay? - Fuck no, I'm not gay.
Then you won't like Wednesdays.
I love you, man.
I just love you so much.
I wish I could love you that much.
(RETCHING)
Oh shit.
MAN: Oh fuck fuck fuck. My wife's gonna kill me.
Don't sweat it.
No no no, she's gonna fucking kill me.
I promised her I wouldn't drink.
Now she's gonna fucking divorce me.
No no, check this out. This is what you do.
- Tell her... - DIRECTOR: Cut.
Sorry. I'm sorry.
This guy is awful.
The truth is, my hands were tied.
He's the midget's brother. It was a package deal.
- Why do we even need the midget? - Oh, gotta have a midget.
Yes, but why do we need that midget?
Oh.
That midget, my friend...
oh, that midget...
you have no idea.
Like a mongoose,
a shaved little mongoose.
Thank you.
Do you know they make special harnesses?
Please please please stop.
- Oh fuck. - Oh my God.
Oh fuck fuck fuck. My wife's gonna kill me.
(GROANS) - DIRECTOR: "Don't sweat it." Cut!
- Don't sw... sorry. I'm sorry. - That's all right.
You fucking asshole. I knew you'd stay out
getting wasted with your friends.
Some guy got sick on my shirt
and he gave me 20 bucks to get it cleaned.
Oh really?
What's the other 20 for?
That is from the guy
- who took a shit in my pants. (SURF MUSIC PLAYING)
Why don't women in San Francisco wear miniskirts?
Because you'd see their balls.
I always knew you were crazy,
but now I see you're nuts.
(MASCULINE VOICE) Surprised, little boy?
- Hello, father. - Hello, doctor.
I've got good news and I've got bad news.
Okay, give me the bad news first.
The bad news is you have terminal cancer.
- Oh my God. - It metastasized through your system
and there's nothing we can do.
So what's the good news?
You know the nurse that brings you your medication?
- Yeah. - I'm fucking her.
Oh lord.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
Here's one for you... what do you call a black hitchhiker?
Stranded.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
Why did God invent the orgasm?
So black people would know when to stop fucking.
Hey, tough crowd.
Hey, looky here, I got another one for you.
Say, what's long and hard on a black man?
Hey.
Ha! Third grade. Get it?
Isn't he great?
What, you don't like him?
Look, we all agreed the only safe way to tell a black joke
is to have a black person tell it.
And?
Well, we couldn't find a black person willing to do that.
Yeah, it's called self-respect.
Yeah, so I got to thinking about
all the great ventriloquist teams of our times...
your bergen and McCarthys, your Simon and Garfunkels.
And it hits me... you get a black puppet,
he'll be the one telling the jokes.
And why the clansman?
Irony.
Give us another.
What did the black lady get when she had an abortion?
A $500 check from crime stoppers.
Good night. Try the Chitlins.
Look at that. You can't even see his lips move.
That's because he's wearing a hood.
I know. Isn't it great?
Could you take the hood off, please?
What the... he's a goddamn chinaman.
Hey hey! Hey.
A little sensitivity.
Wing Thai is no chinaman.
He's a Singaporean.
(SPEAKING MOCK CHINESE)
(LAUGHING)
(WING SPEAKS) (MUTTERS)
That's a team player.
Did he just call me a limp dick?
(BANJO MUSIC PLAYING)
Boys, would you look at that?
I wish I could do that.
I think you'd better pet him first.
I fucked your mother.
Go home, dad. You're drunk.
You know what you want there, fellas?
Yeah, I'll just have the hamburger.
And I will have the hot dog.
Sure thing. Coming up.
Be careful... a hot plate.
There you go.
Uh, why was my hamburger under your arm?
I was keeping it warm for you.
Let's cancel that hot dog.
Wrong names.
Wrong.
Wrong. Wrong.
Hey, teach, you got a light?
Johnny, when did you start smoking?
The first time I got laid.
When was that?
I don't remember. I was drunk.
(SNIFFS)
(PHONE RINGS)
Hello.
MAN: Hello, son. How you doing?
I'm doing good.
How is your rotation? Have you decided on a specialty yet?
I think I'm gonna go into gynecology.
Gynecology? Why gynecology?
I hear there's lots of openings.
Excuse me, may I ask you a question?
Yeah, sure.
If you woke up at the top of a Mountain
in the middle of a snowdrift with a black eye
and a stinging pain in your rectum,
would you tell anyone?
Fuck no.
Really?
Would you like to go skiing?
Hey, babe,
how about tonight? You wanna fuck?
I have a follow-up visit with the gynecologist.
Are you seeing the proctologist?
What do you have for me? And please give me something we can use.
Okay okay, how about this?
What do you get when you take a baby...
eh eh eh! I said no dead baby jokes.
- But it's not a dead baby joke. - Save it.
- It's not... it's not a dead baby joke. - Uh-huh.
It's not. It's alive.
What?
The baby... when you do the thing
with the baby,
it's alive.
You're a sick fuck.
No, I'm not. Listen to this.
- What do you get when you take a baby... - I don't want to hear it.
- What do you get when you take a baby... - No, stop.
I'm not listening. I'm not li... la-la la-la la!
La la la la la la la la la la la!
(LAUGHS) He's right. It's not dead.
I don't want to hear it! I don't want to know!
- I don't want to hear it! - But it's really funny.
I don't care. We are filming this.
How are you gonna film a dead baby joke?
A stunt baby?
You just don't understand funny.
Dead baby jokes are not funny.
- But it's not dead. - Drop it!
It's not a dead baby joke.
I heard that.
You really think a baby could survive that?
So I told her, "ass, gas or grass, bitch.
Nobody rides for free."
Hey, Brian.
Do I know you?
Um, it's Blair, remember?
I met you here at the toga party.
We went up to your room, remember?
You told me I was a good sport.
Hey, Blair baby, how are you doing?
Well, I'm pregnant...
Oh shit.
...and I think I'm gonna kill myself.
Wow, you really are a good sport.
May I ask you a question?
Sure.
If you woke up in the middle of the woods
with your pants around your ankles
and vaseline smeared all over your ass,
would you tell anyone?
Fuck no.
Really?
Would you like to go camping?
What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic... you use a feather.
Kinky... you use the whole chicken.
You see, honey,
this is the pig that I fuck when you have a headache.
You idiot,
that's a chicken, not a pig.
I wasn't talking to you.
(KISSES)
What the fuck? What do you mean, you have no money?
I got the board to sign off on this.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It's my guy with the jerk-off emporium.
He's having some liquidity issues.
What the hell does that mean?
He's been sent to federal prison.
Oh Jesus.
Prostitution?
Actually no. It turns out
his jerk-off booths weren't handicapped-accessible.
What the fuck? I can't get in here.
The supreme court ruling came down yesterday...
"Harrison vs. Ladyfingers."
A five-to-four ruling.
Clarence Thomas was the deciding vote.
Go figure.
Well, where does that leave us?
We always got plan B.
It's not the lowest we've sunk.
Okay, Morty, thanks for dropping by.
Thanks for the news. Get out of here. We'll call.
Okay, I can fix it with the jerk-off king. I just need a day or two.
CHARLIE: We're fine. I'll call you. I'll call you.
Can I talk to you guys for a second?
We're kind of in the middle of something, pal.
It's pretty urgent.
I've been doing the projections and we don't have enough money to finish the shoot.
How bad is it?
For starters, we have to pull all the midget jokes.
You fucking asshole.
Ah.
Fucking asshole.
You little punch fucker.
Eh, they're uppity. We don't need their attitude.
I loved that midget.
You fucked her.
Losing the midget is gonna hurt us overseas.
What do you need? Without the midget.
I'm gonna need an extra $217.
(BOTH LAUGH)
Well...
That's not gonna happen.
It's gotta happen. I've cut every corner possible.
And all the sets are starting to look vaguely familiar.
Stop worrying.
We thought this might come up.
What's this?
- Plan B. - Market research.
- What for? - To sell commercials.
- Commercials? - Commercials.
- You want to sell commercials? - Yeah.
- In a movie? - Never been done.
Well, don't you think there's a good reason for that?
Oh, they're not commercials exactly, more like sponsorships.
You take the most expensive jokes
and you have them underwritten by a corporate sponsor,
- like... - BOTH: P.B.S.
Right, so for instance
"this evening's violent gay butt-rape joke
will be brought to you by the American musical theater association."
- You got it. - Exactly.
Yeah well, while you're at it,
all your black jokes can be paid for with malt liquor ads.
Actually, that's what the market research says.
I was kidding. I have to be careful, you know.
Some of my best friends are black.
Okay, you're right. They're not.
It'll be fine.
The commercials will be done tastefully.
Seamlessly. The audience won't even know it's happening.
(RECORD SCRATCHES)
MAN: When I was a boy, growing up here
in the smoky mountains of Tennessee,
my grandpa used to take me trout fishing.
And every fishing trip we'd take,
he'd be sure to bring along
a can of little Vienna sausages.
'Cause little Vienna sausages
are more than just artificial gelatin
and leftover cattle feces.
They're a part of growing up.
Around lunchtime
I'd go digging in his rucksack
and I'd eat up the whole can.
Boy, it'd give me the shits
something terrible.
I guess I was just too young to know better.
And grandpa... well, by that point
he was just too drunk to care.
We never did catch many fish,
but it didn't matter so much.
Thanks to my little Vienna sausages,
I'd usually be stuck on the toilet
by the time grandpa started ranting about communism
and beating his woman.
Little Vienna sausages.
Just a little taste of America.
I'm telling you, my guy's gonna come through.
Morty, look, little Vienna sausages came through.
Between the commercials and product placements, we're fine.
- So I can take the whole box? - Please.
Look who's living large. So what are you gonna do with all this money?
Are you gonna get a big movie star for your movie?
I hear Rod Steiger's out of work.
Rod Steiger's dead.
Right, there you go. How about Scott Baio?
Eh.
- Fred Thompson? - No.
Richard Gere.
Richard Gere? "An officer and a gentleman" Richard Gere?
What the hell would he do with racist bestiality joke movie?
I don't know. He might be into it.
- You've heard those stories about him. - What stories?
- You know. - Know what?
- He put Goebbels up his ass. - He did what?
Goebbels... he put Goebbels up his ass.
- Goebbels? - Yeah.
Yeah, Goebbels... the German guy.
- Joseph Goebbels? - That's him.
- The Nazi minister of propaganda? - That's him. That's the guy.
Richard Gere put Joseph Goebbels up his ass?
Yeah, that's how they got him out of Germany.
What?
- At the end of the war... - Yeah?
...when they were smuggling Goebbels to Argentina...
Right.
...the only way to get Goebbels out of Germany was inside Richard Gere's ass.
Richard Gere? The Richard Gere?
- The guy from "pretty woman"? - The very same.
Went from Berlin to Buenos Aires with Joseph Goebbels up his ass?
I know. Ain't it crazy?
- You know? What do you know? - Everybody knows.
- He wasn't even around then. - When?
- At the same time as Goebbels. - Says who?
Says nobody. He hadn't been born yet.
Then let me ask you, why would my Uncle make all this up?
- Your Uncle? - My Uncle.
What's your Uncle got to do with it?
- He worked at the hospital. - What hospital?
The hospital where they had to remove Goebbels.
- What? - He got stuck.
- Oh, stop it. - Yeah.
- Come on. - I'm telling you.
He put Goebbels up there and then he couldn't get him out.
You're telling me Richard Gere had Goebbels...
Yeah.
...jammed so far up there, he couldn't get him out
- without the help of major surgery? - That is correct.
- Oh please! - I'm telling you.
- He's a devout Buddhist. - So?
So why would a devout Buddhist go and shove Goebbels up his ass?
I don't know. Maybe he's some kind of pervert.
- These movies stars are pretty freaky. - Not that freaky.
- What, you know Richard Gere? - No, I do not know Richard Gere.
But I do know Richard Gere did not do nothing with no Goebbels.
- That's crazy. - Well...
My cousin though... he was at that party
where rod Stewart swallowed all that jizz and had to have his stomach pumped.
Now that's true. Everybody knows that.
(PHONE RINGS)
Hello.
- Mr. Albertson? - Yes.
Yeah, this is sheriff Duncan down at the station.
It's about your son.
I'm afraid I've got good news and bad news.
What's the bad news?
Well, your son, it turns out, was a tranny.
He was dressing up in ladies' clothes
and hanging out down by the docks
and tricking longshoremen into letting him give 'em blow jobs.
What's the good news?
Oh, the good news is he's been murdered.
Hi.
I'll take a gin and tonic.
- What's that? - Just try it.
That tastes like gin.
Turn it around.
That tastes like tonic.
Okay, how about a vodka, orange juice?
That's vodka.
Turn it around.
That's orange juice. That's amazing.
- Pretty neat, huh? - Yeah, I'll say.
You seem to be a smart girl.
(WHISPERS) You know where I can get some pussy around here?
(SPITS) Jesus! That tastes like shit.
Turn it around.
I have bad news and I have really bad news.
What's the really bad news?
You have terminal cancer. You only have six months to live.
- What's the bad news? - You have Alzheimer's.
Well, at least I don't have cancer.
(MUZAK PLAYING)
- You wanted to see me? - Come on in.
Is there a problem?
No, no problem,
a concern.
Now you know the jokes you sent me? Some very funny stuff,
but they're not very sexy.
Well, we're not making some sort of...
- No. - ...Soft-core porn thing.
No, but you gotta keep your eye
on the target audience...
the marginally educated,
the easily led, bigoted,
your stoners, the hopelessly immature.
- Americans? - Yes.
So let me just show you what I'm thinking here.
Dollface, come on up.
This is Tiffany.
She's new to the business.
Been out here, what, six months now?
- Eight years. - Right.
A very talented kid. I met her at this thing.
But, I don't know, I want to use her somehow.
Well, I don't know exactly...
well, since you're asking, this is what I was thinking...
you know those bumpers that we got in between the scenes...
you know, man-on-the-street- telling-the-joke kind of stuff?
Well, Tiffany here is a dancer...
does stag nights, bat mitzvahs, whatnot.
So I'm thinking she comes on out
- in between the scenes... - Uh-huh.
...dances a little bit,
and then tells a joke.
Well, I guess
it's very sort of postmodern vaudevillian.
(HITS DESK) That's exactly what I was thinking.
That's exactly what I said. Didn't I, honey?
I mean, with the mainstreaming of pornography,
it's only natural that it should go to vaudeville.
Vaudeville, right.
So, honey, show the man what I taught you.
Baby, the other thing.
The other thing.
Oh, okay.
- The other thing. - Okay.
How do you get an Iraqi woman pregnant?
How?
I forgot.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
No no no, she's got it. She's got it.
Come here, honey.
- Huh? Huh? - Okay.
- Don't worry. Relax. - Okay. Okay.
- All right. - Ahem.
And action.
How do you get an Iraqi woman pregnant?
Come on her feet and let the flies do the rest.
Huh? Did I tell you the kid's a natural, huh?
This isn't going to Sundance, is it?
Not unless we add subtitles.
Okay, I have good news and bad news.
What's the bad news?
You have Alzheimer's.
Well, what's the good news?
You can hide your own easter eggs.
♪ Rockets' red glare ♪
♪ you know ♪
♪ how I hate glares ♪
♪ cut the shit with this glare, please ♪
♪ cut the glare right now, right now, ri... ♪
coach, you got a sec?
Yeah, sure. Come on in, kid. What's on your mind?
Well, coach,
you know those supplements you've got us on...
the steroids?
Yeah.
Well, I know we want to win state,
but there's a problem.
What is it?
I have hair on my chest.
Oh Jesus. How far down does that go?
All the way to my balls.
Okay, so we're gonna schedule
your breast augmentation surgery for next Wednesday.
- Thank you, doctor. - You're welcome.
- I have one other question. - Yes?
I'm leaving my husband because he likes to fuck poultry,
and I read about this hymen reconstruction surgery
that can restore your virginity.
Does it really work?
Well, yes and no.
Think of it this way...
you can roll back the odometer,
but you never get back that new car smell.
(MUZAK PLAYING)
Hey, what did the hooker say to the chihuahua?
"Hey! Watch the nylons."
You like jokes?
You like blow jobs?
What do you call a Mexican guy
with a rubber toe?
DIRECTOR: What?
Ru-ber-to.
No.
Okay, what's red and green
and yellow and orange and purple and pink?
- DIRECTOR: What? - A black guy dressed for church.
- No. - Okay.
What did the Jewish pedophile say to the little boy?
"Hey, little boy, wanna buy some candy?"
Oh, come on, that's funny.
He wants to fuck the kid, but he's too cheap to give him the candy.
- It's a classic. - It's not a classic.
It's bullshit. Not all Jews are cheap.
Cheap?
That's the part of the joke that offends you... the cheap part?
- Yes. - It's okay that he's a pedophile?
He just can't be a cheap pedophile?
Yes.
Explain that one.
There's no stereotype of Jews as pedophiles,
so to say that this particular Jewish person is a pedophile
does nothing to perpetuate false generalizations
about the Jewish people.
Saying that they control the media or that they're cheap,
on the other hand, is offensive.
So he can diddle little boys as long as he pays retail for them?
I'm done.
That's the problem with you and with everyone else.
Everyone gets so offended about their own stereotypes,
- they have no concern for anyone else. - I have...
- what if I was a victim of child abuse? - You weren't...
or him?
But that doesn't matter to you
as long as your people don't get hurt.
Child abuse is a terrible thing, man.
It tears families apart.
Do you even know what the number-one cause of pedophilia is?
What?
Sexy kids.
That's sick. Go fuck yourself.
- Oh, come on! - You will never work in this town again!
Oh yeah, like you're the one that controls the media.
I have relatives!
Oh hey, it's okay.
They don't really control the media.
Let's hope they don't, huh?
Right.
What about the Mexican jokes?
Oh, that's fine. They don't control anything.
What is the difference
between a Jew and a canoe?
The canoe might tip.
What's the problem?
Every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm.
Don't worry.
I am gonna write you a prescription.
What for?
Pepper.
What do you call a gay dinosaur?
A mega-sore-ass.
(SNAPPING) (GO-GO MUSIC PLAYING)
Paratrooper training... really really rough.
- I almost didn't make it through. - What happened?
Well, we went up for our first jump.
My turn came.
I got right up to the plane bay doors
and I panicked. I chickened out. I couldn't do it.
- Holy shit. - I back off,
and then my sergeant yells at me,
"you jump out of this plane right now or I'll stick my cock up your ass!"
Did you jump?
A little at first.
- This dancing bimbo girl. - Mm-hmm.
- You already fucked her, right? - Oh, and how.
Then just let it go. Please.
Let me make a movie... a real movie.
I'll put tits in it. I'll put tits in it, I swear...
big titties, little titties,
flapjack titties, wall-to-wall titties
as far as the eye can see.
Just let me do it with a little taste,
with my vision.
Please.
It's not what it looks like.
What would you rather... a war with Iraq?
Or a whore with a rack?
Good morning, sir. Welcome to the bank. How can I help you?
Hey, sugar tits. I'd like to open a fucking account in your bank.
Excuse me?
You heard me, bitch. I want to open
a fucking account in your fucking bank.
I'm sorry, I'm not gonna be able to help you if you continue
to speak to me like that. Jim, I have a problem.
Hey, I'm Jim, the branch manager.
What seems to be the problem?
No fucking problem.
I just won $70 million in the fucking lottery
and I want to put the fucking money in your fucking bank.
And this cunt won't help you?
You're fired.
What do a priest and an Olympic silver medalist
have in common?
They both came in a little behind.
MAN OVER P.A.: Will the owner of a 1982 Ford Festiva, green and gold,
please move your car? It's really fucking ugly.
So you're here to donate plasma?
Yeah, I just got fired from my job,
so I really need the 20 bucks.
Well, that's too bad. I'm here for the sperm myself.
You get an even 100.
- Really? - Yeah.
Wow, that must be nice.
Pays the bills, you know.
Hey there.
So you're back to get another 20 for your plasma, huh?
Hm-mmm.
DIRECTOR: Okay, and that's lunch, everybody.
Just so you know,
we had to cancel the catering truck,
but there are some bagels left over from yesterday.
And of course
there is more Vienna sausage.
Hey! Stop! We need to talk.
Okay, let me just get my lunch.
- No, now. Let's talk. - Okay okay.
- Do I have your attention? - Yes.
All right, I'm gonna make this very clear... you're fucking this movie.
I don't know what you're talking about.
You know damn well what I'm talking about.
No, I don't.
Eh! Now you're gonna listen to me
because I am the producer and I am in charge
or this film. Do we understand each other?
- Yes. - Do we understand each other?!
- Yes! - All right.
You promised me tits. I've seen no tits.
You promised me midgets. You went over budget on that.
And I've been talking to the writers.
They're complaining about you killing the best jokes.
This film's coming in under time.
Now wait a minute. You wait a fucking goddamn minute!
I am the director! I direct!
- Yeah? - Yeah.
You want to make some cheap piece of shit here, but I have a vision,
and that's to explore jokes and laughter
and see how it shapes us as communities.
You know, in a joke there's a schism
between reality and perception.
And if we could just get into that schism
and just get in there and crack it open
and really make people laugh
and make them understand
that, you know, we're all in this together
and we have to have a sense of humor about ourselves.
And that's so important. If Germans had a sense of humor,
maybe there wouldn't have been a holocaust.
If we could bring laughter to Darfur,
we could end this horrible,
lamentable tragedy that's going on there.
I just think as artists
we need to take our art
and use it like a megaphone
to shine a light on human suffering
and really know that there's
always...
Hookers.
(CLICKS TONGUE, PURRS)
All right, let's strike the set
and set up for the Australian dildo accident.
MAN: Seems like a lifetime has passed
since I was a young boy
growing up in the smoky mountains
of Tennessee.
Oh, I know I ain't as young as I used to be,
but that doesn't mean I don't enjoy
making time with a lady.
And whenever I bring a hot piece of ass
back to my place for dinner
and a night of animal lovemaking,
I make sure and have
a can of little Vienna sausages.
Because little Vienna sausages
are more than just artificial gelatin
and leftover cattle feces.
They're a mind-blowing aphrodisiac
that'll give any girl
a little breeze between her legs.
Last Friday
I was in the shower with Tawni.
The soapy lather
was dripping off her supple breasts.
And thanks to my little Vienna sausages,
her nipples were on fire.
She dropped the soap,
grabbed the back of my head and said,
"take a bite of peach."
We made love for hours.
And when we woke up in the morning...
well, I guess you know
what I made her for breakfast.
Little Vienna sausages.
Just a little taste of America.
I'm worried, doc. I think I got my secretary pregnant.
It's okay. I'm gonna give you
a prescription for the male birth control pill.
Really? Does it work?
Oh yeah, you take it the day after
and it changes your blood type.
Can I take it on an empty stomach?
No, take it on an empty conscience.
Oh, I will.
Would you like me to wrap that up for you?
No, but I'll take the little Vienna sausages.
Single, right?
Yeah. How did you guess?
Because I wanted little Vienna sausages?
No, 'cause you're fucking ugly.
(SURF MUSIC PLAYING)
Why do people from Iraq stink so bad?
So even blind people could hate them.
What one sagging titty say to the other sagging titty?
"We'd better get some support,
or people are gonna start thinking we're nuts."
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
A lick-a-lotta-puss.
(GO-GO MUSIC PLAYING)
Psst, you, come here.
How are the racist jokes coming?
They're coming good. I'm trying to branch out,
- play with the form a little bit. - How so?
I came up with a racist fart joke.
How does it go?
What did George Washington carver say
after he invented pork and beans?
What?
- That's as far as I've gotten. - Wonderful.
Now look, I've been thinking about this,
- and we've got to have the ni... - shh shh shh.
Right, thanks.
We've got to push the edge of the envelope here
to make up for lost time. Gotta use the n-word.
You want to drop the n-bomb? Oh, I don't know.
This is a dirty joke movie,
and that is the ultimate dirty joke.
I'll see what I can dig up.
Good man.
- All we need is one. - Just one?
Just one.
Okay, class, today we're gonna learn
about animals on the farm and the sounds they make.
Who knows what a duck says?
Eddie.
A duck says, "quack quack."
Very good.
Who knows what a cow says?
Suzy.
- A cow says "moo." - Excellent.
Now who can tell me what a pig says?
(SIGHS) Little Johnny.
A pig says,
"get up against the wall! Put your hands on your head,
you black motherfucker!"
(PHONE RINGS) - Hello.
MAN: Doc, this is Mr. Albertson.
Did you get the test results back on my wife?
Yes, we did, but they're a little unclear.
She either has aids or Alzheimer's.
What do I do?
Take her out for a drive and drop her a few Miles from the house.
If she comes home, don't fuck her.
Oh man, look at that goat.
It's stuck.
(BLEATING)
What are we gonna do?
I don't know about you,
but I know what I'm gonna do.
(MOANING)
Oh yeah.
Oh man.
- Want some of this action? - Hell yeah.
But I ain't sticking my head through no fence.
When I saw you at the bar tonight,
something just came over me.
- I've never been with a black man before. (SOUL MUSIC PLAYING)
I'm wondering
if it's true what they say.
MAN: Oh, it's true, baby.
Oh, then come over here and show me
what you big black bucks do best.
I'm sorry, man. I can't do this.
DIRECTOR: Cut!
All right, what's the problem? Did you forget the blocking?
Blocking? Fuck the blocking!
I'm not doing this shit, man.
Why not?
This shit is demeaning to my people.
Which people? Little people or...
black people, motherfucker!
Okay okay, we can discuss any kind of uncomfortableness.
Is it the line?
I don't even think you have a line there.
Can I see the script, please?
Hello, can I get the sides?
I got it. I got it.
Okay, what's the action here?
She says, "then come over here
and show me what you big black bucks do best."
And then he punches her in the face,
- steals her stereo and runs away. - Fuck that.
Look, I know this is a really...
could you just look at me?
Sir? Little...
I'm coming around. I'm coming around.
I'm coming around!
Look, I know it's a little edgy,
but that's the kind of movie we're making here.
It's... we're pushing buttons.
It's a very political movie. We've got arab jokes.
Or course you've got arab jokes.
We're at war with the arabs.
Telling arab jokes is practically a patriotic duty.
(WHISPERING) I'll talk to him for five seconds.
Hey, what's the deal? I thought we couldn't get any blacks
- to be in this movie. - He's just a little black.
Right. Wait, I thought
we couldn't afford any dwarves either.
He's a black dwarf. They're less than the white ones.
- In this day and age? - You hate to take advantage but...
you know, there are still parts of the South he can't vote.
Voter discrimination is still legal?
No, he can't reach the levers.
Okay, just give me one second, just one second.
Look, we're doing a joke movie
and there's no jokes
that people love telling more than racist jokes.
I mean, why won't Texans
put Mexicans in the electric chair?
Because it's too hard to put out the grease fires.
Yeah? Everybody loves them.
Yeah, my sister dated a Mexican.
They're some greasy motherfuckers.
See? You get what I'm saying?
Yeah, I guess so.
Hey, why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on the starship enterprise?
Because they don't work in the future either.
Wait wait wait, I got one, I got one.
Ahem... why did the Jews
spend 40 years wandering in the desert?
They heard someone dropped a quarter.
Okay, I think that's about enough.
MAN: They are so cheap.
Oh, this is really good. This is great.
What is the difference between a park bench and a black man?
A park bench can support a family of four.
- MAN: Oh boy. (CRICKETS CHIRPING)
This is so good.
What did the black kid get for Christmas? My bike!
Fuck you.
Call me.
Do you have any Aryan in you?
No.
Would you like some?
MOTHER: That kinky little bastard!
Look what I found in your son's closet!
- Look. - Oh sweet Jesus.
What are we gonna do about it?
Oh, I don't know,
but we shouldn't spank him.
MAN: Boy, you've done a fine job working on my farm.
I'm gonna hate to lose you.
- Oh, thank you. - In fact, tonight
I'm gonna throw you a going-away party.
All right.
I hope you can handle your liquor,
'cause there's gonna be a lot of boozing.
I love boozing.
And there might be some fighting too.
I love fighting.
Good for you, 'cause there's gonna be
a whole lot of fucking.
Well, I love me some fucking.
What do you want me to wear to the party?
I don't care.
Ain't gonna be but the two of us.
Hey, buddy. The wife let you out tonight?
No no, she volunteers two nights a week at the tempura house.
Tempura house? That's that new Sushi restaurant?
No no, it's a shelter for lightly battered women.
(PHONE RINGS)
Hello.
Hello, son. How is it going?
Hiya, dad. I think I need a change. I want to be a mortician.
A mortician? Why a mortician?
I'm really good with people.
All right, cut! Cut.
Hold on a second. This was very sloppy.
- Are you drunk or something? - No.
Are you sure? What is the...
this is prop, right? Props are...
this is... this is real.
I'm method.
Yeah, so was Marlon Brando, but he didn't get
blown out of his mind. What's wrong with you?
He ate.
He got fat. He didn't get high.
He could at least remember his li...
what's g... what's your name?
You don't even know... he doesn't even know his name!
Get rid of him.
It just said "doctor" in the script.
You're fired!
(DOO-WOP MUSIC PLAYING)
You got I.D.?
Oh, what'll it be, Dr. Katz?
Martini, olives, up. Make it dirty.
(TICKS)
If you woke up in the jungle...
fuck you.
(TICKS)
You're late.
I know. I'm sorry.
Somebody is going to get a spanking.
Hello.
Hi, how are you?
Good. Are you the girl that gives the hand jobs?
I sure am.
Wash your hands. I want a cheese sandwich.
- No no no! - Oh, calm down.
It's a... joke.
Don't say that word.
They'll throw us into racist rehab or worse.
- For saying...? - Yes, I've been to rehab. I know.
- Oh please. - Stop it!
You know, I think the kid has a point here.
Calling them... is a little over the line.
Over the line my ass. Why can't we call them...?
...Call each other... all the time.
- They're allowed to call each other... - Why can't we call them...?
I don't know. It's some unwritten code or something.
I asked my maid about that once.
Your maid is from the Ukraine.
I know. They really hate...
I think it's okay to make fun of a...
as long as you don't call him a...
That doesn't make one bit of sense.
- I don't make the rules. - Well, who does make the rules?
I mean, can a spic call a... a...?
Can a... call a spic a spic?
Depends on who's holding the knife.
Look look look, guys. I don't know about you,
but I am not having that word in my movie.
Oh really? Why not?
- Why not? - Yeah, why not?
I'm gonna tell you why not.
How many black people do you see in this room?
Is Tupac in this room? Is biggie in this room?
They're dead.
Eh.
That's not... my point is
we are not black. If any of us were black, we could say it.
But we're not, so we can't.
Look, if you say "black person" too many times,
people will just think you're too scared to say...
I am afraid to say...
You son of a bitch.
Maybe there's some half-offensive term we could use,
something somewhere in between "black person" and...
- TIFFANY: "African-American." - Thank you, sweetie.
Did you know if you mouth the word "snicker,"
it looks just like you're saying the word...?
- What good does that do us? - All right, look, guys,
we need a... joke.
He is right!
He's right! You know where this company went wrong?
You know where all of American comedy went wrong?
When we started pandering,
going for those cheap laughs
with the warmed-over, politically-correct bullshit.
Our comedy used to have teeth.
It used to have balls!
And now everyone's so afraid
of stepping on toes, of saying the wrong thing.
(PATRIOTIC MUSIC PLAYING) - Well, fuck it! We do it all.
Why did the faggot cross the road?
How many dagos to screw in a light bulb?
We're gonna get the krauts, the frogs, the kikes.
Micks, camel jockeys.
The Macacas, the wetbacks.
- Ali Babas. - Bone smugglers.
- Snow monkeys. - Pencil-dick honkeys.
- Cripples. - Trannies.
- Harelips. - Burn victims.
Yes.
We are going to make fun of people
using some of the greatest jokes ever told.
And this movie...
this movie will go down in history
as one of the greatest comedies
the earth has ever known.
You've been found guilty.
Your movie is a hate crime.
Yay!
LARRY: Quiet in the court.
Are you sending us to racist rehab?
Rehabs are for pussies.
- Where's our fucking lawyer? - Quiet in the court.
- Don't tell me to be quiet. - It'll get worse.
- Don't tell me to be quiet. - Shut up.
Your fucking movie is a disgrace.
- Your honor, I resent that remark. - The movie is filthy,
- nasty, class "a" dirty. - Fine.
You should be ashamed of yourself making fun of midgets,
black people, crippled people,
- burned people, Jewish people. - Your honor, if I may correct you,
- there was no burn victim, for the record. - There was no burn victim.
Quiet. Somebody shut those two crackers up.
CHARLIE: Hey, I heard that.
- Your honor, I object... - Quiet. Quiet.
- Your ho... can I... - Quiet. Quiet.
You're now sentenced for 25 years in prison.
- 25 years? - I figured, the worst... seven to 10.
- That's gonna hurt. - Please, you can't send me to prison.
- Sit down, boy. - I haven't done anything wrong.
I've got lots of black friends, I swear.
Name one.
He's in Vancouver.
I... I... I volunteer at soup kitchens.
You've only seen the bad evidence. You've only seen the bad evidence.
Just watch this last scene. Just watch this last scene.
Watch it and you'll see what I was trying to do.
You'll see that I'm an artist.
Please!
This poor cracker's going crazy.
Don't send me to 25 years in prison, please!
Please! Please.
You must be the man from the government.
I heard you was comin' down.
Yes, sir.
We're down here in Mississippi investigating a disappearance
of a busload of black gospel singers from Detroit.
Yep yep, they came through here all right,
about a week back.
There was a hailstorm... bad.
They lost control of their vehicle,
plunged over the guard rail, went down the embankment
and crashed down at the bottom of the gulley.
It was terrible... bodies everywhere.
- Oh my God. - Well, you said it.
We couldn't handle that kind of accident,
not with our little mortuary,
so we had a minister come on up
and say some words and bless the bodies,
and we buried them right there on the spot.
- That's just terrible. - Oh, indeed it was.
It's unbelievable. And you say they're all dead?
Well, you know, some of them said they wasn't,
but you know how... lie.
I should kick all three of your butts.
(BELL CLANGS)
Okay, 25 years is fair.
♪ And the home ♪
♪ of the brave. ♪
this movie is bullshit.
(DOO-WOP MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ bom bom bom ♪
♪ dip-dip Dee bom bom bom ♪
♪ dip-dip Dee bom ♪
♪ wah wah wah ooh ♪
♪ bom bom bom ♪
♪ dip-dip Dee bom bom bom ♪
♪ dip-dip Dee bom ♪
♪ wah wah wah ooh ♪
♪ bom bom bom ♪
♪ dip-dip Dee bom bom bom... ♪
(GUNSHOT BLASTS)
You want to make some cheap piece of shit here?
Well, I have a vision.
And that vision is
since I didn't get a guest shot on "oz,"
- I'm taking my piece now! - Oh God.
Do you want to see this or the hot chicks?
I think this could be much hotter.
Actors are whores.
That's the principal foundation of this business.
You know, years ago
I got an actor in Nashville to come...
oh shit.
(CREW LAUGHING)
In Nashville once I got an actor to jerk off on an oatmeal c...
oh shit, I'm sorry.
Here, take this.
- How's your mother? - They had to amputate.
Oh, too bad. S... (LAUGHING)
I've gotta act. I've got a job.
MAN: Hey, Mario, what's that...
I'm done.
Oh God, that's the problem with you... (LAUGHING)
- Sorry, I got... I'm sorry. - I hit you.
I got hit right in the face. Sorry.
I'm done.
See, that's the problem with you...
And with...
God damn it!
Pencil-dick honkeys.
Dick Cheney.
- MAN: You gotta keep him up. - MAN #2: Oh, sorry sorry.
Hello, we're from the church of Jesus Christ of latter day saints.
- The mormons. - Are your parents home?
What the fuck do you think?
(CLATTERS)
- Cut. (MAN LAUGHS)
Holy shit.
Well, that's our movie for tonight.
Hope you enjoyed it and come back and see
"DIRTY MOVIE 2: Whitey's revenge."
Stop.
You're giving me a headache.
Time for dinner.
(WOMAN CHUCKLES)
♪ Dip-dip Dee bom ♪
♪ wah wah wah ooh. ♪
do you want me to turn my head and cough?
Man, that'd be kind of hot.