You can run, but you can't hide from the Lord.
You can never judge a woman with bad...
Sarah Rose knows you're a beautiful person.
Sarah Rose knows you have an unusual talent.
Sarah Rose knows you're a teenage girl.
And she definitely knows...
that you are ready for the ultimate in teen glamour.
The American Teen Princess Pageant!
And now, a few words from last year's host...
Mr. Adam West!
The American Teen Princess Pageant...
has been enriching the lives of American-made girls since 1945.
The American Teen Princess Pageant...
provides personal growth, scholarship, travel!
And you might even meet a few celebrities.
Yes!
At the national level...
thousands of seventeen-year-old girls like yourselves...
compete around the country in places like...
beautiful Mount Rose, Minnesota...
and make it all the way here to Lincoln, Alabama...
to compete for the title of American Teen Princess.
So which one of you will it be?
Like sands through the hourglass so are the "Days Of Our Lives. "
God, Iris, you taped your shows over it.
I'm sorry.
Now, ladies, the rest of the tape...
which is now gone forever...
goes on about starting that great journey...
which we call the American Teen Princess Pageant.
So any of you young ladies...
who'd like to start on that journey...
you just come right down here and sign up.
And, please, help yourself to some coffee and bars.
Showtime.
Do you think most people would say...
that teenage beauty pageants are a good idea?
Oh, yeah, sure.
I know what some of your big-city, no-bra-wearin'...
hairy-legged women libbers might say.
They might say that a pageant...
is old-fashioned and demeaning to the girls.
What's sick is women dressing like men.
You betcha, Iris.
No, I think you boys are going to find something...
a little bit different here in Mount Rose.
For one thing, we're all God-fearin' folk.
Every last one of us.
And you will not find a "back room" in our video store.
No, that filth is better left to the sin cities.
A.k. a. Minneapolis, St. Paul.
Oh, yeah, sure.
Freda, sure.
She was the oldest living Lutheran.
Now she's as dead as a doornail.
It's the damn Shriners who won't take down...
that goddamn sign, the lazy sons of bitches.
Every year... every damn year, I tell 'em...
"Take down the goddamn Freda sign...
"you lazy sons of bitches!"
Today's "to do" list includes a trip to the Mall of America...
where we are going to be buying outfits...
for the physical fitness number.
Nothing too showy.
No. You betcha, Iris.
We need that third judge. Gosh, don't let me forget...
We need to think of a theme.
Gladys, look out!
Gosh darn it. Hello, Father Dunegan.
Sidewalks? Sidewalks?
Iris, stop it. It's not his fault.
The communal wine just proves too tempting for some of them.
That's why we Lutherans use grape Kool-Aid...
for the blood of Christ.
There's a parking space over there.
Oh, no. That's just a compact. Sorry.
You'd think they'd have the parking lot of America...
to go with the Mall of America.
It's a $200 fine!
I told you I would move the car if a cripple came.
Now just run in the store and pick out some outfits.
All right, let's go.
Wait, wait, wait.
What?
I think I just thought of the theme.
Oh, what?
"Proud to be an American. "
So, what was the theme of the pageant last year?
Oh, that was "Buy American. "
And the year before that was...
"U.S.A. Is A-OK!"
And can you remember the theme of your favorite pageant?
Can I?
"Amer-I Can!"
People ask me where I get this.
I don't know. A gift from God or something.
Hi.
Just introduce yourself and tell us why...
you're signing up for the pageant.
OK. Hi. Hi.
I'm Leslie Miller.
I'm signing up 'cause, you know...
I always watch the pageants on TV...
and my boyfriend thinks I'll win.
For my talent, I'm going to be doing...
You've been talking to this guy long enough.
I'm trying to tell him...
Now?
Hi, Pat.
Go Muskies!
Hi. I'm Amber Atkins, and I'm signing up...
'cause my two favorite people in the whole world...
competed in pageants...
my mom and Diane Sawyer.
Course, I hope I end up...
a little more like Diane Sawyer than my mom.
Do you do any of the embalming?
Oh, my God, no. Oh, God.
I just do the hair and makeup on the deceased.
I'm lucky I have an afterschool job...
where I can practice my talent.
Oh, yeah, sure. Every pageant is special...
but this one is extra-super-special to me.
When I was seventeen... I don't know if you know this...
I was crowned Mount Rose's American Teen Princess...
and this year...
drumroll, please...
my lovely daughter Rebecca Ann Leeman is competing.
Is this my mark?
Hi. I'm Rebecca Leeman, and I believe this pageant...
is an important experience for every young woman.
It...
Well, it teaches you what's really important in life...
and it has the power to change you...
in ways you've never dreamed of.
My mom gave me this nine-mill for my thirteenth birthday.
Yeah. I'll always remember what she wrote in the card.
"Jesus loves winners. "
That's why no matter what I do, I aim to win.
Why? Well, it's kinda like asking...
why all the guys chew Copenhagen, you know?
If you're seventeen...
and you're not a total fry, it's just what you do.
Have you decided what your talent is going to be yet?
Mm-hmm. Yeah. I'm gonna sing and dance...
to "New York, New York. "
I just fell in love with the Big Apple last summer...
when I was visiting my brother Peter there.
He followed his dream all the way to New York.
Wait.
Here's Peter as... Liza!
Here's him as Madonna.
As Barbara.
I don't know what my talent's gonna be yet.
Kenny! Kenny, come. Come, Kenny.
Oh, Kenny! Oh, this is Kenny.
Spike, my German shepherd...
he went to live with a nice family on a farm...
after he attacked me...
but it wasn't his fault, was it, Kenny? No.
I had beef jerky in my front pocket.
They remade my belly with skin from my butt.
I was Mount Rose American Teen Princess in 1945.
We were at war with the Japs.
Didn't even get to keep my damn tiara.
I had to turn it in for scrap.
So we adopt Molly three year ago when we come to America...
to help acclimate us to American.
To America, Dad.
She all-American girl.
She our Teen American Princess.
Oh, Ma.
English!
Speak English, you stupid little retard!
So, Molly, tell movie man what you talent do.
I'll be line dancing.
Country western!
Clint Black, ruff!
Hey, what he got that I not got?
So have you decided what your talent is going to be...
for the pageant yet?
Yeah. I'll be doing a dramatic monologue...
and right now I'm thinking "Othello... "
or "Soylent Green... "
Well, my own version of it.
You know, a lot of girls make a smooth transition...
from pageants into acting.
Competing for the title...
of Minnesota's American Teen Princess sure was exciting...
but I never could have won...
without my Saint Paul pork products.
I've been enjoying Saint Paul pork products for years.
I grew up right next to these stockyards.
It's still the same family-run business...
that Walter and Vera Pularski started in 1920...
when they raised and slaughtered their first pig.
I just love Saint Paul pork products.
In fact, I love 'em so much...
I work here now!
Oh, help yourself.
Thanks.
You're welcome.
My talent will be...
an interpretive...
dance...
while I sign...
"Through the Eyes of Love. "
Yeah. Well, see...
I have a dream...
of spreading sign language...
around the world.
Mom, will you be so kind?
Tammy Curry...
and I'm signing up for the pageant...
'cause of the scholarships and all.
This one's for varsity soccer.
I'm captain.
I run track, and right here I'm the new president...
of the Lutheran Sisterhood Gun Club.
Love that one.
Would you say...
you have a good chance to win this pageant?
Yeah. You bet I do.
I mean, maybe other people think I can't win a beauty pageant...
but other people didn't think I could beat out...
Becky Leeman for president of the gun club, either, and I did.
It's just like Anthony Robbins says...
"I'm a winner.
"Nobody can stop me but me. "
Well, you know, I think everybody's doing really well...
considering the fact she was so young.
It's always hard to see the young ones called home.
Especially on an exploding thresher.
It's just so odd and gross.
You know, sometimes...
it's hard to understand God's great plan.
But the show must go on.
I gotta get ahold of Ted...
and ask him if we can use that barn light as a spot again...
so you watch the Jell-O salad, OK?
You girls gonna sign up for the pageant this year?
I ain't gonna be in no goddamn pageant.
Look what happened to that dork-ass farm girl.
Tammy Curry?
Yeah. Everyone says this is a big accident?
She got iced because she wins everything...
and this time someone didn't want her to win.
This pageant's like a Roach Motel.
Girls check in, but they don't check out.
Yeah, and they say smoking's bad for your health.
And... tendu, close. Tendu, close.
Tendu, close, plié.
And repeat.
Tendu...
Suck in the bellies, girls!
And tuck in the tushes!
Close those legs.
You look like a bunch of bowlegged cows.
Other side!
And tendu, close. Tendu, close.
Tendu, close, plié.
Yeah, you boys sure picked a good year.
If I was a betting woman...
and there was a line on this in Vegas...
I'd lay down ten to one that it all comes down...
to Amber Atkins and Becky Leeman.
Oh, sweet Jesus.
What a showdown this should be.
If Cain and Abel...
Oh, God!
That's so embarrassing.
My winning the Mount Rose...
American Teen Princess Pageant really changed my life.
Amber does my hair once a week.
Well, it's the least I can do...
for the reigning Mount Rose American Teen Princess.
- Oh, God. - What?
Oh, just a little snarl.
Don't tell.
What? Oh, my God.
Lights, camera, and me without a stitch of makeup on.
What are you guys doing here?
What are you doing here?
Oh, Amber, like you're the only one who visits Mary?
Who are you?
"Who are you?" Oh, Mary, you kill me.
She always says that.
It's a little game we play every week.
Same dippy little look on her face.
"Who are you? Who are you?"
Just like that.
It's me... Becky.
And I brought your favorites.
Real nice, Becky. She's anorexic.
She's skinny, Amber, not deaf.
So, beyond this pageant you must have certain dreams...
and certain things you aspire to, yeah?
Yeah, I got dreams.
Sometimes I dream of winning.
I dream of getting out of Mount Rose...
and being a big-time reporter like Diane Sawyer.
I mean, guys get out of Mount Rose all the time...
for hockey scholarships...
or prison.
Yeah, 1963.
Her beauty worked against her...
when she started as a reporter in Louisville, her hometown.
Those were different times.
That's my mom.
Hey, Amber, did you get my smokes?
Yeah. I'll get 'em in a sec.
Aw, shit.
They're from Los Angeles.
They wanted to see my room and film me for their movie.
Yeah, well, if they ask you to take your top off...
get the money first.
And go get my smokes!
Hey, hey, you like it?
- Open it. - This?
Yeah, the globe.
Go on, pull on the North Pole there.
Here, watch.
Honey, this isn't a showroom.
See, this holds three full-size booze bottles.
Tape cassette comes out of Afghanistan.
All right, all right.
How quickly they forget where this all comes from.
Taiwan.
That's enough, young lady.
I beg your pardon. Would you like a drink?
Lmpartial?
When I'm outside these walls, I am Gladys Leeman...
president Civil Servettes, impartial as the day is long.
But I'm in my house now, and I gotta warn you...
I'm wearing my wife apron and my mom hat...
so I can safely say that I am the mother...
of the most talented contestant Mount Rose has ever had.
Oh, gosh, she's been singing and dancing...
since she was knee-high to a pig's eye.
Yeah, she's damn near as good as...
you know, that little... that black fellow...
the one with the glass eye...
the Candy Man...
- Sammy Davis, Jr. - Yeah, the Jew.
Nice one, Dad. He's dead.
Yeah. Then we have the Judges Interview.
Where each girl has a little ten-minute get-together...
with the judges prior to the pageant.
Then we have the...
Hello, Tony.
Hey to the folks.
Yeah, all right.
Gladys, the Judges Interview.
So you've judged a lot of pageants over the years?
No. No. No way. No.
Never judged a pageant before in my life.
No way.
Never been around young girls.
I mean, even if I was...
I mean, why would I want to be, you know?
I don't get off on that kind of thing.
That's really why you're asking, right?
Someone say something?
Do you judge the pageant every year?
No. I've never judged nothin' before.
Harold, are we on "Cops"?
Are we on "Cops," Harold?
Shut up, Hank. This here's business.
Harold, Mom said not in the head!
Well, Mom's dead, so shut your flytrap.
I will if you shut your piehole.
Don't make me...
Don't make me kick you where the good Lord...
Don't make me split you where you...
Come on! You want some of this!
So, are you excited?
Oh, you bet.
We're happier than the day Hankie got acquitted.
I get made a judge, then the furniture store hires us...
to paint the whole damn thing.
We're going to use the money...
to get our mom a proper headstone...
and to move her out to the cemetery.
Listen, guys, if you see anything you like...
you just let me know because I happen to know the owner.
So, here we are.
My place of business, my little house of worship...
the world's largest Conestoga wagon.
Right here, we have a very attractive unit.
Farmers like that one.
OK, showtime.
Hey, Tim, Carla, listen...
you two don't Jew me down too much on that dinette...
I'll throw in a hutch for free, OK?
See, that's my specialty.
You don't pay less, I give you more.
The secret is... the hutch is included in the price.
Ain't that right, Jean?
Take a memo, sweetheart.
Five, six, seven... and one...
Get that tempo right. Kick it!
Come on, kick it!
Just watching the young girls.
Contestants. You know...
like the rest of my friends and neighbors.
Are you getting her?
The third one, the blond one.
Leave him alone. It's OK.
It's just a camera I keep in the glove compartment...
for... car accidents. Insurance.
I mean, you guys got a camera...
and no one's accusing you of anything, right?
So, Brett, you want to go to the lake with me on Thursday?
Actually, I got practice on Thursday.
Well, maybe Friday then.
A bunch of us were going cow tipping.
Well...
I'm kind of busy on Friday.
Give her your tray, Brett.
You're holding up the line.
Give it to her.
Here, I'll take it. It's my job.
No. It's all right. Don't worry about it.
Well, you're supposed to put it in the...
Aw, man.
You got some lutefisk in your hair.
Then it must be Wednesday.
Lutefisk is codfish that's been salted...
and soaked in lye for a week or so.
It's best with lots of butter.
I'm not really busy on Friday.
I was just saying that, you know?
I know.
Well...
if you wanted to do something...
Oh, yeah. Yeah, sure. You bet.
Oh, crap.
I probably gotta work at the funeral home.
We're real busy this time of year.
Hunting season.
Well, I'm cutting out of here early today...
and doing a little duck hunting...
but maybe I could call you tonight?
Yeah, sure.
- All right. - Fine.
Oh, God.
You don't think Becky saw you guys, do you?
Look, you shouldn't be in here.
Doreen gave us hair nets.
No, listen. We shouldn't talk here.
Stop by my house tonight, OK?
Go.
They take out her butt?
Oh, Jesus H. Christ.
Oh, are we on "Cops" again?
OK, be quiet.
It's just the guys that are, you know...
making the movie about the pageant.
I told you all about 'em. This here's Loretta.
I tell Annette, you talk to me during my stories...
you might as well be talking to the wall.
You guys want a beer?
No, thank you. Is Amber here?
Oh, no. You just missed her.
She got called down to the bone gardens.
She's in a hell of a mood today.
Say, you boys been to the Leemans'?
Shut it, Loretta.
If so, you got all the pictures of the winner you need.
- Shut it. - It's true.
Let's just say who should win, who deserves to win is Amber.
Why don't you just paint a target on your ass?
Best damn tapper, the most smartest.
Most smartest?
Oh, that's great. You're real educated.
"Most smartest. " Get a picture of that.
Most smartest.
I'm cutting you off and sending you home.
Excuse me, but I'm bragging up your kid here.
I know. Come on, let's go.
Amber's gonna be the next Diane Sawyer, you know.
They're making a movie here.
All right, they're making a movie.
What makes you think that Becky's going to win?
Why do I think Becky'll win?
You're talking... Don't pinch.
You're talking about the richest family in a small town.
It's front-page news when one of 'em takes a shit.
Oh, great.
Can one of you boys give me a ride home?
Don't fall for it.
She lives two trailers down.
So? Be real easy.
Go on home, Loretta.
Go on. The party's over.
Oh, my God!
Jesus Christ on a cross!
Look, number one rule in a funeral home...
Never sneak up on the living.
You never know who could have an embalming needle...
or a skull saw in their hand.
Mr. Larson's son learned the hard way.
He's buried next to my grandpa.
Are you upset about Brett?
Upset about Brett?
Nah. Hazard of the trade.
I don't really have time for guys anyways.
It's weird, though.
He took it right between the eyes.
Don't often see that.
So, you know, Brett just got shot in the head.
He did?
Well, hunting's dangerous.
So, anyways, my mom gave me this thirty-aught...
for my sixteenth birthday.
I need Stella now.
The family's steaming like a cow pie in July.
Said she doesn't look nothin' like the picture they gave you.
Sorry. I just thought she might not want to meet her maker...
looking like a cheap whore.
Well, this cheap whore is that family's loving mother.
The Clemens said to make him look...
like he just came in from snowmobiling.
Pink cheeks and...
Red nose and ears. I know, I know.
Sorry I couldn't talk to you before in the cafeteria.
I was scared, OK?
I open my locker today after first period...
and there's a picture of Tammy Curry taped inside.
This was written on the back:
Oh, yeah, hell of a way to go, there.
After some thorough investigating...
we determined that the Curry girl...
must have been smoking and driving.
Well, yeah, Tammy liked to drive her dad's thresher...
but, I mean...
She said the heavy vibration helped her think.
But I know for a fact Tammy only smoked after a good drive.
You ask me or anyone else who isn't scared to talk about it...
Tammy was murdered.
I bet Diane Sawyer never had to deal with crap like this.
If it's another stray bullet to the head...
I'm gonna need more caps.
You have to go home.
There's some kind of emergency at the trailer park.
Relax. That's my ma's code...
for bring home milk and a carton of Lucky...
No. Loretta called. There's been a fire.
Oh, my God.
Hey, hey, hey! Family?
No, she's just screaming "Mom" because she's got Turret's.
She's Annette's kid, dipshit.
She's alive, sweetie. She's right over there.
I'll be right behind you in the hearse, OK?
Don't let that worry you, Annette!
So, Doctor, is this sort of an unusual injury?
This was a doozie.
Right now our chief concern is to stabilize Annette here...
and then in surgery...
remove this.
Oh, God.
Oh, Mom, it's so ugly.
Ruined a brand-new pair of Lee Press-Ons.
Well, I sat down to have a beer, and kablooey.
Next thing I know...
something blows through my kitchen window...
and I'm ass-up in somebody's flower bed.
Hey, ass-wipe, quit dicking around with the camera.
Just put another book under it.
Dude, don't say "ass-wipe. "
Mom's got the window open. We gotta hurry up, though...
because we only got three frickin' minutes on the battery.
All right, ready.
One, two...
One, two, three!
Shit!
Let's get out of here!
I shoved your tap shoes in my panties...
before I was blown out of the house.
You go find the guy who cut 'em off.
He'll give 'em to you...
so you can practice for the pageant.
About that...
I... Oh, my God!
Oh, Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.
She's pregnant!
Oh, Amber, wait!
Come back here. Mommy wants to talk to you.
And then kill you!
Why don't you see if there's any more beer...
left in that can and relax a bit?
- I'm quitting the pageant. - You're what?
I'm quitting the pageant.
I was just trying to scare you into changing your mind.
Christ, the woman clung to your tap shoes...
while flying through the air like a goddamn lawn dart.
I know, I know.
Hey, Little Miss Sad Pants and her friend Serious Sally.
How about some nice cool mints...
to turn those frowns upside down?
Do you think a nice cool mint would help...
if I shoved your head up your ass?
So what do I say?
Simple, just say...
I know you sacrificed everything...
relationships, dreams...
your tummy, ass, and thighs...
all to bring me into this world...
all so I could have tap lessons and be in the pageant...
the same one you were in, but you know what?
I'm quitting.
There. Easy as pie.
Oh, my God. I am so dead.
Yeah, you betcha.
Go on, get out!
Next one in here without a pack of Luckys in her hand dies!
Yeah, sure. You have a super day, too.
Get out!
Mom, look. Don't talk.
First of all, I'm not pregnant, OK?
I am not letting go until you tell me what's up.
Amber, I am reaching a point where I would kill someone...
for the nicotine under their fingernails.
You hear me, Loretta?
OK, OK...
yesterday I got this picture...
so I'm thinking about...
you know...
I'm gonna quit the pageant.
What?
Oh, excuse us, guys.
Would you excuse us for a moment?
Loretta, get out of here! Go on, get out.
What's your problem?
What's my problem? Sit your skinny little ass down.
Nice, Ma. Real nice.
Nice mouth you got there...
but I'm not going through this again.
You? You're not going through it again?
You're not the one that knows how Jiffy Pop feels, missy.
Oh, come on, Mom.
First the picture of Tammy, then Brett Clemmens, and now this?
It's scary.
Scary? Let me tell you scary.
Look here. Look at me.
You want to look like you've been rode hard...
and put away wet when you're my age?
I'm a lifer here.
Best thing I got to look forward to...
is to end up in some decent raisin ranch...
where they change me twice a day.
Honest to God, honey.
If I had it to do over...
I'd start walking out of this town...
the minute I could take my first step.
You know, practically...
the only thing I wouldn't do different is have you.
God, I hope that's you and not your concussion talking.
It's me.
I just don't want this to be the thing that you do over.
Now, this pageant's your ticket out of here...
and I know you can win.
Come here.
Oh, I love you much.
I love you much.
And you're gonna win.
She's gonna win.
Isn't she gonna win, Loretta?
You bet.
You'll see.
Hell no, she ain't quitting.
No. Mom said if I did...
she'd look up my dad and marry him.
So, has your mom kept your dad's life a secret?
No, she never hid the fact...
that my dad picked his career over us.
What did she used to say?
Once a carny, always a carny.
Mom still cries when she sees a tilt-a-whirl...
or a fat lady in a tube top.
The Atkins fire.
Foul play? Shit, no.
After some extensive investigating...
we determined that it must have been bad wiring.
Bad wiring?
That's the biggest crock of shit I ever heard.
What, they have a sale on dull needles at K-Mart?
I just need one more do-over.
Now, we need to remember the three most important parts...
to give a really good interview...
Listen up, number one.
Number one.
American Teen Princesses...
do not cross their legs like streetwalkers.
Excuse me, "Miss Penthouse '98... "
put your knees together.
I could drive a boat show in there.
Ankles together.
Hands resting lightly on your laps.
Good. Sit up straight. Smile.
All right, number two.
The judges are just as nervous as you are.
So, are you about ready...
to start the judging, start the interview there?
I guess I could answer that.
Yeah, we're ready.
So we should probably get the young girls in here, then.
You know, to start the interviews.
If you could be any tree in the woods...
what kind of tree would you be?
Dogwood.
Bonsai.
Green?
I can be any kind of tree you want.
Just give me a minute to warm up.
One with strong roots in a community like Mount Rose...
a solid Christian trunk...
and long leafy branches to provide shade...
for handicapped kids on a hot summer day.
You guys know the retard's pants are open?
I don't want to see that.
Who would you pick to be the president, dead or alive?
Emperor Hirohito.
Brett Favre.
My mother, 'cause she could solve world hunger...
with one of her blue-ribbon rhubarb pies...
create world peace with one of her prayers...
and still find time to look beautiful...
for my dad, Lester Leeman.
Do you like to swim?
Yeah, I love to swim.
When I was in New York, I met Greg Louganis...
at one of my brother's shows.
The tard's pants are completely off.
Close up shop.
Are you Amber Atkins?
Yes, yes, I am. Hello.
Name and spell all the United States...
in alphabetical order.
Seriously?
Well...
Alabama.
A- I-a-b-a-m-a.
Alaska.
A- I-a-s-k-a.
Arizona.
A- r-i-z-o-n-a.
West Virginia.
W- e-s-t V-i-r-g-i-n-i-a.
Wisconsin.
W- i-s-c-o-n-s-i-n.
Wyoming.
W- y-o-m-i-n-g.
Well, OK.
With two weeks until the pageant...
I was practicing my talent, finishing my costume...
brushing up on current events...
and running eighteen miles a day on about four hundred calories.
I was ready.
Girls, couple of things.
All right, very important.
Gladys wants us to all go in show order today.
All right, so very important, don't forget that.
Oh, yeah, really nervous.
It's been about two months.
I haven't told my boyfriend yet.
How did you know?
I meant nervous about the pageant.
Oh, nervous about the pageant.
There are eight thousand sequins...
and fifteen hundred beads on the skirt alone.
My mom had Mrs. Lopez make it.
She's one of my father's many Mexican workers.
He lifts them from the poverty they know in Mexico.
Yeah, all my mom's clothes melted onto mine.
Forming, like, this big polyester meteor in our closet.
But in some kind of weird miracle...
our neighbor boy Kenny Hansen...
found my tap costume on the roof of their trailer...
while he was setting coon traps for his dad.
Here's the weird part.
It was still on the hanger.
This is my lucky bolt.
They think that it fell from a DC-10.
The doctor said I was really lucky the flat side hit me.
'Cause otherwise it could have gone right through my head.
I know, I know. Gives me the willies, too.
Can we switch numbers?
My cousin just had a deaf baby, and I get to go see it.
I need to go first.
Yeah, sure. It's my lucky number anyway.
Diane Sawyer has number eight at her local.
- Thanks. - You're welcome.
I can see what's mine now
Finding out what's true
Since I found you
Looking through the eyes
Of...
I'm gonna be honest.
This is a hard time for me...
because this is the time in the pageant...
when you realize that tomorrow night...
all but one of these girls is gonna walk away a loser.
To be
It's just really hard...
for me to know what that would feel like.
It can't feel good.
Oh, my God, oh, my God.
Don't touch her.
Don't move the body. Don't touch the body.
She could be paralyzed from the neck down...
and you wouldn't know it.
Someone call nine-one-one.
Don't say anything...
'cause it might be a hypnotic suggestion.
Don't you get it?
I was supposed to go first.
I was contestant number one.
That light was meant for my head.
If Jenelle hadn't wanted to go first...
I owe my life to that deaf baby.
Hey, that was your mom.
She wanted you to have this.
Really, Loretta?
You bet.
My mom wanted me to have this?
Oh, shut up.
I thought it might help you get some sleep.
Loretta, never have kids.
Well, God love you for thinking I still could.
Your ma did want you to have this, though...
since your other one got toasted.
It's just like Diane Sawyer's!
Of course, it's not a size ten.
Diane was a little hippy then.
- Not our girl. - Oh, no.
Pain meds.
Hope this thing ends before they do.
We have excitement.
Big excitement.
Go, Molly!
Go.
Leslie Miller kicks Teen Princess ass!
Whoo! Go, Muskies!
Oh, gotta go.
Thank you, thank you.
Oh, my.
Is that for me or my gown?
Welcome to the Mount Rose American Teen Princess Pageant.
While every contestant...
you'll meet here tonight is special and unique...
they all have one thing in common.
They are all proud to be an American.
I chose Mount Rushmore...
because to live in a country...
where you can take an ugly old mountain...
and put faces on it, faces of great Americans...
who did so much to make our country super great...
well, that makes me, Rebecca Leeman...
proud to be an American.
I'm Lisa Swenson, and I am proud to be an American...
because living in a country where Lady Liberty...
always keeps her flame burning bright...
She always keeps her flame burning bright.
It makes me proud to be an American.
God.
The Washington Monument...
Oh, yeah, baby!
Makes me...
Leslie Miller, proud to be an American.
Living in a country where no matter who you are...
or where you come from, you can grow up...
and become what you've always dreamed of makes me...
Amber Atkins, proud to be an American.
Atomic power makes me, Molly Howard...
proud to be an Asian-American.
My uncle Phil's world's-largest ball of twine...
in Bundy, Minnesota...
it makes me proud I'm American.
I kind of misunderstood the assignment.
A couple of notes from yesterday's dress rehearsal.
Gladys says a couple of youse...
are getting sexy with your hips...
during the physical fitness routine.
Oh, my God, my tap costume's gone.
Amber, we are not putting on our talent costume.
You need to put on your physical fitness outfit.
Let's shake a leg, ladies!
It was here before the opening number.
Wait.
What am I saying?
I should just ask you, Becky.
Where is it?
What?
You heard me. Where is it?
If you're getting at something, you'd better just say it.
I just did.
Well, then you'd better be willing to back it up...
because you're talking crazy.
You bring me on some of that snotty attitude.
Bring it on!
Well, as my mother says at Sunday dinner...
come and get it!
I'll get it!
I might even take seconds!
If you want seconds, I'll make sure you get them!
Give me your stringy ass!
I think that you guys should leave.
The girls are changing. I think you should leave.
All right, let's go.
- I hate her! - We all do. Let's go.
Let's give a big round of applause...
for last year's American Teen Princess...
in her farewell performance.
Who could ever forget her lip-synching...
to "Don't Cry Out Loud" by Melissa Manchester?
And here she is...
Mary Johanson.
Don't cry out loud
Just keep it inside
And learn how to hide your feelings
Fly high and proud
And if you should fall
Remember you almost
Had it all
All right, why don't we pick up the stepladders...
for the physical fitness number?
There we go.
They're wet.
What?
My hands are stuck.
I'm kind of dizzy from the fumes.
You know what, girls?
Keep them away from you so they don't get on the outfits.
There we go.
Let's form a line.
What kind of a mental retard...
paints stepladders right before a pageant?
I'm the judge!
Back, you cuddly retard.
Go, Hank!
It's OK.
My dress is fine.
All right, so...
our other judges are...
Jean Kangas...
and John Dough...
Opening number looked good...
solid, but now you're going to have to actually dance.
So, here, put a dab of this on the old choppers, ladies.
It'll help you smile...
and when they're looking at your teeth, God willing...
they won't be looking at your feet.
Hurry up.
OK, I think we all got some.
Just take it off.
Here, I didn't...
I think it went really well.
Don't go in the bathroom.
Tess blew chunks all over.
She ate a really large dinner.
Maybe she should've shoved that lucky bolt...
down her throat for dessert.
And the winner of the spirit award goes to...
I'd like to take you back seventeen years...
when a peanut farmer was in the White House...
a group of boys calling themselves Queen...
topped the record charts...
and Gladys Leeman was Gladys Wood...
and she was Mount Rose American Teen Princess.
Thank you very much.
You know, seventeen years ago, I won the talent contest...
by sewing...
these culottes...
Butterick pattern seven-four-three-two.
And can you believe it?
They still fit.
She had a big ass then, she's got a big ass now.
Our next contestant is ready, so let's welcome her...
Tess Weinhaus.
Yeah, it's just gone.
I mean...
I just wanna tap, you know?
I'm not saying I'm the best or that I'd even win, but...
shouldn't I at least get a chance to compete?
The beagle is known for its howl.
I just wanted my mom to see me dance.
Amber, Amber, come here.
Please. I got so much Vaseline on my teeth...
I'm going to be smiling for a year.
No. Here.
It's nothing special...
but talent like yours doesn't need to hide behind sequins.
Oh, Miss K.
Oh, look.
But none can compare to the greatest bark of all...
the German shepherd.
Aw, hell, go out there and kick some Leeman ass.
Not so hard, sweetie. I heard something snap.
Roll him over!
Lay him flat!
Pin his shoulders!
To the mat!
Roll him over! Lay him flat!
Pin their shoulders to the mat!
Go...
Muskies! Yeah!
Fade in.
The year... 2024.
Planet... Earth.
The question on everyone's mind?
What is...
Soylent Green?
Mrs. Clark, why are you doing this to me?
Why are you pretending you don't know what's going on?
Amber, I'm sorry. I really am.
But you know the rules.
All talent costumes have to be OK'd...
by Gladys before the pageant.
But doesn't someone taking your costume...
so you can't compete overrule that rule?
Amber, I'm sorry. I don't make up the rules.
Oh, this...
this is bullshit!
Amber Atkins, that is not American Teen Princess language.
Good, because this isn't an American Teen Princess Pageant.
This is... this is...
this is Nazi Germany!
Where do they get this stuff?
I'm wearing this tap costume.
I'm going to do my talent tonight.
Oh, really?
I don't think so.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news...
but you know the rules state that a costume has to be OK'd...
at least a week in advance.
I couldn't let you go out there in that skimpy little thing.
We've got kids in the audience.
I hope you understand.
But you... I mean...
It's not my fault. Please.
I didn't do anything wrong.
I know the truth, that's why.
I must say...
Soylent Green...
is people!
Now, that's my cue.
I just wanted to compete.
I can't believe this is happening.
I can't believe she said...
Here.
Here? What?
My jacket.
Take it, because I got my costume OK'd a month ago...
before the pageant. You can wear it.
Put it on.
Oh, wow.
Lisa, I don't think you should do this.
They're never going to let you perform naked. I asked.
Shut up, you guys.
Listen, Amber...
I'm not going to win.
And let's be honest, the family only needs one Liza...
and Peter's got much better legs than me, OK?
Your parents will kill you.
Ah, come on. I love them...
but they only had me because Peter needed that kidney.
Thank you.
Now...
it is with overwhelming pride...
that I introduce to you contestant number six...
who is also the president of her class two years running...
an honor roll student, and the new president...
of the Lutheran Sisterhood Gun Club.
Ladies and gentlemen...
Rebecca Ann Leeman!
You know what?
The rumors are true.
I do have a special fella in my life...
and if nobody minds...
I'd like to sing a little song just for him.
You're just too good
To be true
Can't take my eyes
Off of you
Bullshit.
You'd be like heaven
To touch
I wanna hold you
So much
At long last
Love has arrived
And I thank God
I'm alive
You're just too good
To be true
Can't take my eyes
Off of you
I love you, baby
And if it's quite all right
I need you, baby
To warm the lonely night
I love you, baby
Trust in me when I say
Lisa, come on, you're next.
Nah, I quit.
And since my costume was OK'd a month ago...
I'm giving it to Amber.
Let me love you, baby
Let me love you
Oh, boy, I'd hate to follow that act.
The voice of an angel, that one.
I have just been notified that contestant number seven...
Lisa Swenson has dropped out of the pageant.
I know, but these things happen...
and we still have one more contestant... number eight.
Amber Atkins.
Thank you.
Well...
The time has finally come...
where we say good-bye to the judges...
so that they can go off and make the toughest decision...
of their lives.
So, who gets the crown?
How are you going to figure this all out?
Well, you know, we'll...
compare scores and figure out a winner...
because, I mean, we don't know who the winner is yet.
I mean, I have no idea who Jean picked...
or Harold.
- No. - No idea.
I know who the winner is.
I know who the winner... Harold.
I know who the winner is.
That's it.
You shut your goddamn mouth, you goddamn retard!
I've had your shit for two weeks now!
Come on.
Back off, college boy! Now listen!
Hank can't help it if he's born crazier than a shit-house rat!
For fuck's sake, why didn't you leave him with a sitter?
Nice, John.
That's real nice.
You know the baby-sitter's dead.
So...
Anyone talk to Jenelle lately?
Oh, yeah. I brought her some flowers this morning.
Yeah. She's in the room next to my mom.
Oh, she's super happy.
She's happy?
Oh, the blow to her head made her deaf.
Oh, God.
- Isn't that great? - Oh, that's great.
She's so happy.
Jesus Christ!
What are they doing, letting the retard count the votes?
Ladies, it's time.
Welcome back, everybody...
and judges.
Oh, gosh.
We are so darn close to that moment...
we have all been waiting for.
And now, our second runner-up...
and winner of a fifty-dollar scholarship...
for the vo-tech of her choice is...
Leslie Miller.
You rule, Leslie!
Envelope, please.
Our next prize, a seventy-five- dollar scholarship...
will be awarded to the first runner-up.
The first runner-up is...
Amber Atkins.
And now, finally the moment...
that I know I've been waiting for.
With a scholarship of five hundred dollars...
courtesy Leeman Furniture, and an all-expense-paid trip...
next weekend, when she will be competing for the title...
of Sarah Rose Cosmetics...
Minnesota American Teen Princess...
Our new...
Mount Rose American Teen Princess is...
contestant number...
You know what? It's my daughter...
Rebecca Ann Leeman!
Oh, thank you so much.
Bitch.
Here she is
Our Mount Rose
American Teen Princess
Look at her
Doesn't she look fine?
Our heart swells big
As we look at her
Our Mount Rose
American Teen Princess
One, two, three.
- You got her there? - Yeah, I got her.
We was robbed. We was robbed.
It's OK. They're just giving her a ride back.
She almost blew out of Loretta's pickup on the way over.
Thank God for bungee cords.
I got second runner-up.
I got second place.
- Third. - Huh?
- Third. - Bye.
Are you disappointed about not winning?
Yeah, well, no.
At least I got to compete, and my mom got to see me dance.
I guess number eight only worked for Diane Sawyer.
Oh, stop.
Let's go home.
I'll let you drive.
I hope it was worth it.
No, Dad, it was worth it.
Amber should've won.
I tell you one thing...
Peter never would've pulled a shenanigan like that.
Well, you know what, Dad?
You know what? Peter's gay.
Gay!
What?
So, Becky, how does it feel?
Oh, well...
I mean, it's all happening so fast.
I'm so excited.
I mean, I won.
I'm the winner, and I'm going to state.
She's the winner, and we're going to state.
What a surprise.
Gladys Leeman's finally going to go to state...
and she'll probably ride on Becky's ass...
all the way to nationals, too.
Wonder how she's going to fix that one.
Are you ladies going to the parade?
Nah. I think I'm, like, due or something.
Beautiful as a whore's ass today, huh, boys?
Do you need help with the cooler?
See, Gladys had me get that special-made from Mexico...
in case Becky won.
You know, I do a lot of business down there...
always offer to pay them off in tacos.
Oh, they love that.
Keep on moving through.
Let's get this straight right now.
We wouldn't have been late at all if not for you.
I want to have the big bag of little doughnuts.
You get nothing, Hank.
I want to eat a big bag of little doughnuts.
There's your paint can.
The next time you drink window cleaner...
I'm just going to leave it in you.
My pants are...
You rule!
Rebecca Ann Leeman.
You are the one that wanted this.
Now get up there.
I don't care if you have to ride this thing sidesaddle.
Get up there.
It smells funny... like gasoline.
Everything smells like that in Mexico.
My dress will reek, Mother.
You listen to me now, missy.
This thing cost your dad a pretty penny...
so you get your ass up there.
And show me some teeth.
Love you, baby.
You rule!
Stop it!
You are a bad kid!
You rule!
If I die from these fumes...
you'll make sure and cover up the hickeys on my neck?
And the bite marks on my ears.
Yeah, sure.
And I know it won't show, but on my inner thighs...
Yes, Leslie, OK.
Help!
OK, I designed the float.
And what's going to happen here is that this is going to look...
like a glistening lake beneath the swan.
We need more bars.
This is... What?
Enid ate a whole pan.
She can't do anything by herself.
This is exactly how I pictured it...
Choking on swan gas.
Oh, great.
Oh, my God.
Oh, crap. Oh, crap. Oh, crap.
Oh, my God.
Oh, crap. Oh, crap.
Oh, my baby!
Oh, my God!
The swan ate my baby!
Becky, baby, get up!
We got to go to state!
Gladys, let her go.
No. She's not getting up.
We got to... Get off of me, you cow!
What are you looking at, huh?
A whole goddamned town full of losers...
that's what I'm looking at!
And you...
You piece of shit trailer trash!
That should've been you in there!
Damn it, I should've killed you when I had a chance...
just like your little friend!
Tammy was one crispy critter up on that thresher!
Ding! Fries are up!
Stop it! Stop it!
Take it easy.
Let go of me!
Oh, my God, it's "Cops. "
He sells reproductions!
His furniture's as fake as my orgasms.
Hey, how you doing?
Hey. What's up, Scott?
You remember Bruce, right?
Bruce, that's Roy. Roy, Bruce.
And that's why, dear Lord, it's with such great sorrow...
we turn over to you this young woman...
whose dream of riding on a giant swan...
has brought about her untimely death.
Maybe it's your way of telling us to buy American.
That's right.
As acting president...
of the Mount Rose Civil Servettes...
it is my duty...
to make you Mount Rose American Teen Princess.
Turn around for the picture.
You look good.
What is wrong with you?
I don't know.
I didn't wanna win like this.
You stop right there.
You are a good person.
Good things happen to good people.
Really?
No, it's pure bullshit, sweetie.
You're lucky as hell, so you might as well enjoy it.
Let's get you a root-beer float.
You guys want some shots? I'm buying.
I never liked her, but she didn't deserve...
to die in the belly of a swan like that.
The whole thing's just kinda sad and lame at the same time.
This came for you, sweetie.
Hi, guys.
It's from the state!
Yeah. Open it up.
It's all the stuff I get to do.
OK, let's see.
We get a personal consultation with a makeup artist.
Oh, there'll be a choreographer to the stars.
- Choreographer. - The stars.
Oh, my God.
No way. Oh, my God.
For Christ's sakes, spit it out, Amber.
We'll be staying overnight at...
the Airport Howard Johnson!
Right by the airport!
Oh, Amber!
God, that's so great!
Oh, crap. I only got four weeks to practice.
Let's go, let's go! Right now!
I'm gonna call your mom.
All right, say, "airport hotel. "
Airport hotel!
Coffee and doughnuts.
Yeah, why don't you take a picture?
It lasts longer.
Loretta, don't do that.
All right. I'm sorry. They're just staring.
I gotta work with these girls.
OK, I'm sorry.
And you are...
Mount Rose American Teen Princess.
Funny, you don't look dead.
- OK, ladies! - Girls, come on.
Ladies, listen up. I'm Colleen Douglas.
And this raven beauty on my right is Terry Macy.
Hi there.
And we're your Minnesota American Teen Princess...
state board.
That's right.
We're also the cofounders of the Minnesota Modeling Academy.
Yep. And you can get your applications...
over here at the tiki bar...
and we will wave the fifty-dollar application fee...
if you list a friend and put down her address.
So...
you're cute.
Oh, I see you're married.
If you catch this in your mouth, I'll give you a present.
All right? Open wide.
Oh, God, you got that on the first try.
Come here.
Oh, you are cute.
OK, due to budgetary cutbacks...
And the fact...
that the national didn't cough up a goddamn nickel...
You won't be staying overnight.
So everybody pay attention.
You've got about eight hours till showtime.
Remember to count, ladies.
Cross on the left and arms up on eight.
On the beat, on the beat, on the beat!
Keep on. Keep moving it.
Come on, Miss Forest Lake...
take that stick out of your ass or I will!
All right. Very nice.
Now come on.
Mom's out here in the front row.
Come on. Sell it!
That's very nice.
Remember, figure eights, ladies.
I can sum up our entire philosophy with this glass.
I can look at it and see...
it's half full.
Which in the beauty pageant biz means...
"Where the hell is my waiter?!"
- Marco! - Polo!
Stop with the friggin' Marco Polo, or I'll come over there...
and rip your fat little heads off!
Miss Burnsville, you're up next.
I have a little secret weapon of my own.
Don't tell anyone.
Oh, I don't eat shellfish.
Ma always says, "Don't eat anything...
"that can carry its house around with it.
"Who knows the last time it's been cleaned?"
I've done about thirty-five pageants.
I guess my most memorable one...
would have to be Miss Teen America 1995...
'cause it was in Vegas.
And my roommate did Adam West.
She said he was so horny.
Oh, my God.
I should just go home now.
OK, real good.
One suggestion, sweetie.
Why don't you hike up your skirt a little bit then, OK?
Next!
Oh, my God.
I gotta go!
You better do something about those nerves, sweetie.
Thirty million people aren't gonna wait for you...
while you run to the john.
That's true.
Will somebody get a mop and a bucket?
Today, a beauty pageant turned ugly.
Did I win?
Honey, if I was a good lover...
Oh, for crap sake.
A salmonella dysentery outbreak...
now traced to improperly refrigerated shellfish...
was believed to be the cause.
Oh, my God. Do you think they heard us?
Oh, for Christ's sake! Call an ambulance!
An ambulance?
Call a priest, for Christ's sake!
Joining us now is David Richardson...
a member of a documentary crew filming the pageant.
He was there when tragedy struck.
Fuckin' beauty queens blowin' chunks everywhere.
I've never seen anything like it before, and...
I live in L.A.
Oh, hey, Ed.
That's our sound guy.
Could you tell us anything about the controversy?
Is there a controversy here?
Has there been sabotage?
Wait a minute.
While we haven't ruled out sabotage...
from neighboring state pageants...
Iowa, Wisconsin, South Dakota.
Yeah, that's right.
Ohio.
That bitch from Wisconsin.
All right then.
The important thing is we have a winner!
- Yes, we do. - OK.
The Minnesota Modeling Academy is proud to present...
Along with Sarah Rose Cosmetics...
Amber Atkins...
The new Minnesota American Teen Princess!
That's Amber Atkins.
That's right. From Mount Rose.
Amber, how do you feel?
Well, I...
I feel like I need to take a shower.
Honey, is this the best day of your life?
Yeah. I wish my mom was here, though.
Wave hi to her.
Hi, Mom.
Hey, you hear that?
Hi, monkey.
I got some.
Uh-huh. No, no. Gosh, no.
You know, I still don't want to be on camera.
I just wanna say...
that little bitch better watch her back...
at the nationals...
'cause I am making friends on the inside.
Yeah. Darn good friends.
Friends who have friends on the outside.
Get your sweet ass off the phone, Cinnamon.
Gotta go.
Oh, yeah.
I just can't believe it.
I'm Minnesota's American Teen Princess.
Our baby's going to nationals.
Lincoln, Alabama, look out!
I'm gonna be on TV just like Diane Sawyer.
Annette, just use your hand.
They told me to practice.
I did it.
OK. Ready?
Here's the signal I'm gonna give Mom when I'm on TV.
My little Carol Burnett.
Here she is...
Minnesota's American Teen Princess...
and soon to be...
the next America's American Teen Princess...
our little Amber.
So after Frank dusts the crops...
he's taking her to Lincoln, Alabama.
Come on out...
you little blond piece of trailer-park trash!
We're here in the sixth hour of a shootout between...
This is Amber Atkins...
reporting live from the Food Shack for KRLH News.
One of our reporters has just been shot.
Paramedics are working on her right now...
I'm Peter Atchison.
And I'm Amber Atkins.
For WAZB News, good night.