(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
(SIGHS)
There he is again.
Almost two decades and he still comes.
So sad.
How you doing, buddy?
Brought you all your favorite candies.
Come on, Lloyd, you gotta get over her!
Mary Samsonite was just a girl.
Besides, she's married.
And even if it had worked out,
would you really want ginger babies? Ugh.
Gross.
Man, you gotta give me something!
(URINATING)
(SIGHS)
Lloyd, I got something important to tell you.
I can't come here anymore.
I got kind of a serious medical problem.
(MUMBLING)
It's sort of complicated.
Basically, I'm gonna be pretty busy for the next few months.
Anyway- --
You're in good hands here. So...
Take care, buddy.
(BABBLES)
Lloyd, did you say something?
(MUFFLED) I got you.
That's it, kid. You can do it.
Come on, come on, come on! Spit it out!
(YELLING) Got ya!
(LAUGHS)
(STAMMERING) What?
You should see the look on your face!
I got you so good!
(STAMMERING) Wait a second! (CHUCKLES)
Are you telling me that you were faking for 20 years?
Uh-huh.
So you mean that you just wasted the best years of your life?
(BLOWS RASPBERRY) Out the window!
And you let me come here every Wednesday for, like, a thousand weeks,
and it was all just for a gag?
Uh-huh.
That's...
awesome! (CHUCKLES)
I know!
You gotta admit, I totally had you suckered, didn't I?
Hook, line and sphincter!
(BOTH LAUGH)
on, oh. (GROANS) on! on, oh. on.
Legs are a little rubbery after all that time sitting here.
Why don't you roll me inside?
We'll get the nurse to take the catheter out of me. Oh.
I wanna see if my lizard's still spitting straight.
We don't need nurses for that. I know how to do it.
But don't you have to... (GRUNTING)
(GROANING)
(YELLING)
Oh, God!
That thing's really taken root!
(COUGHS) Hey, fellas!
Give me a hand over here. Si.
(HUFFS)
Yankos los pee-pee.
Are you sure about this, Har?
Usually, doctors like to do this sort of thing.
Oh, that's just for insurance purposes.
On three. Three!
(ALL GRUNTING) (YELLING)
(HARRY LAUGHING)
You are a fricking genius, Lloyd!
I mean, nobody else could have pulled that off!
Eh! Nobody!
I mean, the shock treatments, the partial lobotomy!
That's commitment! Yeah.
It broke up the monotony.
One thing I don't get, though.
Why did you play it out for 20 whole years?
Because it wouldn't have been funny if I stopped too soon.
Comedy is all about timing, Har.
Yeah, but wouldn’t it still have been funny if you quit after 10 years?
Oh, definitely. But not as!
(BOTH LAUGH) Whoa!
Pretty bird.
LLOYD: Crap on toast! Pretty bird.
Is that grown-up Billy in 4-C? Uh-huh.
Come on, Siskel, give me a movie quote.
What did they say in Jerry Maguire?
"You had me at hello."
Um, Titanic?
"I’m king of the world."
(CHUCKLING) Good job!
(SOFTLY) We better tiptoe past him.
Oh, no, you can't tiptoe past a blindy.
Their hearing's too good.
What? Mmm-hmm.
That's just an old wives' tale.
Like women shouldn't smoke during pregnancy.
I turned out fine. My mom smoked like a chimney.
Especially when she was drinking! (CHUCKLES)
Whatever. Doesn't matter.
Billy's over the whole Petey thing.
You should see his apartment.
He's got the best rare bird collection in Rhody!
(SCOFFS)
I gotta see this.
Hey, Billy!
I hear you got a lot of flocking birds. (BOTH LAUGHING)
ls that you, Lloyd? (CHUCKLES)
Very good.
I didn't think you'd recognize me after all these years.
So what have you been up to, buddy boy?
Seen any good movies lately?
I mean, you know, like...
On the radio?
What was that? (SQUAWKING)
Did you just feed them something?
Relax.
It's just a little candy.
You can't feed candy to birds!
Their stomachs will explode!
Even if it's just a few Pop Rocks?
Are you crazy? Pick those up!
Pick them up! All right, all right!
Sheesh.
Well, nice catching up.
See you later.
Not if I see you first!
LLOYD: Ha-ha! Good one!
No,no,no, it's okay, Siskel.
Daddy's not gonna let him get anywhere near you.
BOTH: Booga! (SCREAMING)
See? I told you that hearing thing
was a wives' tale. (CHUCKLES)
0h. yeah!
Hey, who's this? Ah.
That's Butthole.
I found him out in the alley a couple years ago.
Why did you name him Butthole? Oh.
Because of this.
Oh, yeah. Good name.
Totally fits.
I like what you've done with the place.
(HUMMING) Nice cappuccino machine.
Who's the astronaut?
Oh, that's my roommate.
Roommate?
You got a new roommate?
I had to get somebody to pay your half of the rent
while you were in the hospital.
How's it going, Ice Pick?
Best day ever. Greatest day of my life, really.
Pick cooks up a rock candy
that will make you dizzy.
Folks come from all over the city to buy it.
It's burning my eyes.
Must be Cajun style.
So what's this serious medical problem you've been blabbing about?
And it better be good.
Lloyd, there's something...
I've known about this for a while,
but I didn't wanna worry you.
Mmm-hmm? (SIGHS)
I need a kidney transplant.
No way! Really?
Wow.
So what do you wanna do for dinner tonight?
Wanna hit Haven Brothers?
I could eat the mud-hole out of a dead skunk! (SNICKERING)
Are you not listening to me, Lloyd?
Getting a new kidney is a really big deal.
There's waiting lists, lots and lots of forms to fill out,
and if I can't find another kidney real soon, I'm dead meat.
Yeah, well,
maybe, just maybe,
there's a person out there who cares about you so much
that said person would be willing
to give up a little piece of himself to save your life.
Really, Lloyd? You'd do that?
Me? (LAUGHING) Yeah, right! Nice try!
The nerve! Oh.
I mean, l would, in a New York heartbeat.
I'm just not a urine match. (MEOWS)
My wizz doesn't get all sudsy like yours.
(INHALES) Ow.
Wait. Don't panic. (YOWLING)
I know exactly what we gotta do. (CRASHES)
I don't know about this, Lloyd.
I haven't been home in over 20 years.
Come on, Harry!
You need a genital organ match.
They're your parents.
I'm not gonna go crawling back to them, Lloyd.
Not after what they did to me.
What did they do?
They threw me out of the house.
Why? Just because I told them I was gay.
Why did you tell them that?
I was sick of mowing the lawn.
Oh, yeah.
Well, I don't see what choice you have.
You either go home and face the music
or you suffocate in your own pee.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
Okay, let's do this.
All right. Hop on.
Engage super thrusters!
Don't, Lloyd!
(COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING) (GRUNTING)
Pardon me, Harry.
(INAUDIBLE)
(BRAKES SCREECHING)
Here we are.
Place looks smaller than I remember.
Oh, yeah.
Wow.
Lot of memories on this street.
Yeah.
Remember when we pulled up on the bike
and parked it a couple seconds ago?
Yeah, that was cool.
Oh, those were the days.
I remember one afternoon,
it was the first day of spring,
the flowers were blooming, the sun was shining
and you and I were doing cartwheels
right down that hill over there.
Yeah, I remember that!
We were in your dad's Lincoln, right? Yeah.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
You totally lost it when I yanked the wheel. (BOTH LAUGHING)
(BOTH GRUNT)
Come on! Pick it up!
Show a little hustle in there!
(BOTH GASP)
Wow. Rong time, Harry!
Oh, sorry. We'll come back later.
Hey! No, no, no! I mean,
rong time, no see.
BOTH: Oh. (BOTH CHUCKLE)
HARRY'S DAD: Where you been?
Come! Come in!
(CHUCKLING) Thanks, Dad.
So you see,
my best hope for a donor match is with a blood relative.
Family.
(CHUCKLES)
Harry, you not touch your peanut butter.
Oh, that's okay. I'm not very hungry, Dad.
(CHUCKLES) When Harry young,
oh, boy, he loves the peanut butter.
On. (CHUCKLES)
Three jar a week disappear!
Good to know.
So anyway, which one of you two's gonna cough up a kidney?
(SPEAKING CANTONESE)
What? What was that? (LAUGHING)
Wait!
I know! You're the gopher from Caddyshack.
Look at her! She's got it down!
We love you, Harry.
Do you love him long time? (CHUCKLES)
But you know you're not our real son, right?
You adopted.
Ouch. (WHISTLES)
(GROANS)
(MAKES CREAKING NOISES)
Dad, what are you saying? (SIGHS)
Sorry, Harry.
We thought you know.
Wow.
What a nut punch.
Don't be glum, Har.
All this means is that your real parents are out there somewhere.
And l will go to the ends of the earth to...
Real parents dead.
You're boned.
James boned.
HARRY'S MOM: Harry, Harry.
(SPEAKING CANTONESE)
(LAUGHS)
(SNICKERING)
No idea what you're saying, Ma, but right back at you.
Harry, before you go, your mail piling up for many year.
Oh. We saving for you.
Huh. Junk mail, junk mail.
(MUMBLES)
I got accepted to Arizona State.
Hmm? (CHUCKLES)
Oh, look at this.
It's a postcard from Fraida Felcher.
The chick from Cranston?
(CHUCKLING) Ooh!
So, what'd she have to say?
"Harry, I'm pregnant. Please call me."
(GASPS) Lloyd, I'm gonna be a dad!
No way!
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
Look at the postmark.
1991.
Do you know what this means, Harry?
You have a grown kid. Oh.
With grown kidneys.
But, Lloyd, we don't have a phone number or address,
or nothing. And who we fooling?
Even if I find him, my kid's never met me.
Why would he wanna give me a kidney?
Are you serious?
After all you've done for him?
It's the least he can do.
What have I ever done for him?
You gave him his space. Kids love that.
I didn't wanna be a helicopter parent.
And you filled him with wonder.
Wonder? Yeah.
Like, "I wonder who my deadbeat dad is?"
Oh, it's okay, Lloyd.
I've had a full life.
I was a paperboy for a week.
I fathered a child.
I've seen every episode of Full House.
(MOUTHFUL) Wow!
Every episode?
Okay, 0K8)'-
So how are we gonna do this?
If we find Fraida, we find your kid.
If we find your kid, we find your kidney.
Simple.
Yeah, but I never even knew where Fraida lived.
I didn't have a car. She always had to pick me up in her van.
Didn't you meet her through Pete Stainer?
Who? Pee-Stain!
He'll know how to reach her.
Yeah, but I haven't talked to Pee-Stain in a hundred years!
I can't drop by his house in the middle of the night
and ask him for some chick's number.
Sure you can!
Oh, okay. But we gotta be sub-tull about it.
(CHUCKLES)
The word is pronounced "subtle," Harry.
It's a silent
(GRUNTS)
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
What was that for?
You had a gah-nat on you.
Maybe we should catch a bus to Pee-Stain's house.
We can't. We got the bike.
Oh, that's okay. They got bike racks on the front of buses now.
LLOYD: Cool.
(GRUNTING)
Perfect.
That's very convenient.
BUS DRIVER: Hey, guys!
You forgot your bike!
Oh, it's not ours. Somebody abandoned it in front of our place.
Yeah. Just left it there double-chained to a tree.
Hey, Har.
You wanna hear the second most annoying sound in the world?
Sure.
(BELL DINGING)
Yeah, that's pretty annoying.
No, not that.
(SCREAMING) What the hell are you doing
ringing our doorbell like that in the middle of the night?
That! (LAUGHS)
Mr. Stainer. Mrs. Stainer. Nice to see you.
Harry, Lloyd.
To what do we owe the honor at this late hour, gentlemen?
We were just wondering if Pee-Stain
wanted to come out for some suds.
And maybe have his ass handed to him
in a couple of games of Dig Dug.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
Lloyd.
Peter is dead.
Yeah, right. Since when? (BOTH LAUGH)
Since 1991. Remember?
The motorcycle accident?
But I thought he pulled through.
The obituary said he was survived by his parents.
Uh, no. He did not pull through.
Are you sure?
Yes.
LLOYD: on, yeah.
You guys are right. (CHUCKLES)
Anyway. Sorry about that whole thing.
Pee-Stain and l were very close friends.
MR. STAINER: Yeah, we know.
You're the one who sold him the motorcycle.
LLOYD: And if I recall,
I made him a sweet deal.
My bike for his helmet, straight up.
(CHUCKLING) That thing was a rocket.
A little squirrelly on the corners,
but when you got it on a straightaway...
(IMITATING ENGINE REVING) Good night, Lloyd. Good night, Harry.
That was awkward.
You're not kidding.
When somebody comes to your door at 3:00 a.m.,
put some pants on! (CHUCKLES)
Hey, wait a second.
That's where I met Fraida Felcher.
She worked at the funeral parlor where they buried Pee-Stain.
Wow.
Think about it.
If I hadn't sold that crotch rocket to Pee-Stain,
you wouldn't have a bastard child
who's gonna save your life.
God's got a pretty warped sense of humor, huh?
Yeah. I bet he smokes weed.
Otherwise, why would he put our testicles outside our bodies
where someone could do this?
(GRUNTS) (LAUGHS)
(GRUNTS)
(GROANS) Ow! (LAUGHS)
Bush club!
(LAUGHS)
What are you doing, Lloyd?
I'm about to meet my kid!
Sorry, Har.
Bushes like that don't come along every day.
(GROANS)
Excuse me, sir. ls Fraida working today?
I'm Fraida. LLOYD: Oh.
Sorry for the confusion.
We meant your smoking-hot daughter, Fraida Junior.
There is no Fraida Junior.
I'm the only Fraida in the family.
(SCOFFS) That little hottie must have given us a fake name.
Look, guys, it's me,
Fraida Felcher.
(LAUGHING) Yeah, right.
Like we'd be fighting over those blowfish jowls. (BOTH SNICKERING)
No offense.
Harry.
Lloyd.
I'm gonna say this one more time.
I'm Fraida.
(WHISPERING) Tattoo.
0h. yeah?
Then show us your tattoo. Mmm-hmm.
Because Fraida had a cute little smiley face on her back
right above her bikini line.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
Well?
Hmm.
It's close. Mmm.
Oh. Hi, Fraida.
Oh, hey! How you been?
Have you been doing yoga?
Yeah, I'm kind of busy. ls there a reason you guys are here?
Yes.
I just received this postcard that you sent me 22 years ago.
Talk about snail mail. (CHUCKLES)
You better come in.
So, did you, uh, ever have the baby?
I had a daughter. Named her Fanny. (EXHALES)
You hear that, Har? A little girl.
Fanny Felcher! Ow!
Are you all right? Uh, bad back.
Oh, I have so many questions for you.
FRAIDA: Like?
HARRY: For starters, how was the pregnancy?
Was it a tough one? Did they have to saw you open?
Whoa, Har. Dial it down!
We're talking about the miracle of childbirth here.
What my insensitive friend meant was,
did you have a C-section
or were you able to have the baby au natch-urel?
It went smoothly. (SCOFFS)
So, uh, where is she?
Can I meet her?
(SIGHS)
I gave her up for adoption.
What?
Why? Because I was broke and scared.
I regretted it as soon as I did it.
But it was too late.
I'd already signed away all my rights.
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
Then a couple years ago
I wrote her a letter.
But she never wrote me back.
Wait here.
What do we do now?
What do you mean, "What do we do now?"
I mean, at this exact moment in time, what do we do?
Harry, don't you hear that?
It's the fat lady singing.
It's over!
I need something to drink.
But... Harry, enough!
We tried and we failed!
As Vince Lombardi used to say,
you gotta know when to quit!
Hey, you should pick out one of those coffins while we're here.
What if... Darn it, Har!
I cannot live on this emotional roller coaster any longer.
I feel bad saying it, but you're slunk meat.
Here's a picture I found of my daughter online.
(GASPS)
Or, we could suck it up,
pick ourselves up by our bootstraps
and go find that little girl! (CHUCKLING)
(MUMBLES)
Hold on.
You wrote her a letter. You must know where she lives!
Yeah. I tracked her down through this adoption search site.
She was raised by this hotshot scientist.
Why didn't you just go find her in person?
If she doesn't want to meet me,
lam not going to force myself on her.
Maybe she didn't get your letter.
She got it, all right.
LLOYD: What if we go track her down for you?
There's no lawsuit against that.
Are you guys serious?
You'd help me out?
Of course we'll help you out.
We're gonna need some wheels.
I'll lend you a car.
Then it's done.
Yeah, using this address and our superior instincts,
you and your little girl are gonna be having
a family reunion in no time.
Cheers!
Whoa! Wait. Where did you get that?
The Slurpee machine in the back.
That's embalming fluid.
Oh.
Does it have aspartame?
No.
Cool.
(CHUCKING)
Hey, guys, check this out!
(CHUCKLES)
(GROWLS)
(ALL SCREAMING)
(LAUGHS)
(ALL LAUGH)
What about the blue roads with the big numbers?
Those are rivers.
They're rivers? Yeah.
We could get a boat.
Boats are dangerous.
(TIRES SQUEAL)
This is it.
6765 Elmwood.
(SIGHS)
You look nervous.
I am nervous! I'm about to meet my kid
and I don't know what to say to her.
That's real easy, Har.
You make a little small talk about why you missed all those birthdays,
holidays and graduations.
Maybe a couple of dick jokes to put her at ease.
And boing, you hit her up for the kidney.
Okay. What if she says no?
She's not gonna say no.
She's the fruit of your loom.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
(GASPS)
Suck me sideways.
You're the spitting image of your mother. (CHUCKLES)
You morons.
This is the return address.
Hers is on the side with the stamp.
Oh.
But it's still uncanny! (CHUCKLES)
(TIRES SQUEALING)
Oxford, Maryland, huh?
So that's where my little girl's been living all these years.
He)', Har!
Lookit! Giant nutcracker. (WHIRRING)
on. (CHUCKLES)
(IN DEEP VOICE) I want
your nuts,
Harry!
(CHUCKLES)
Boy, I sure wish I could have been there for her when she was little.
Whatever.
That's all water under the fridge now, Har.
Think of the bright side.
You're finally getting to meet her
and you never had to change all those poopie diapers.
That's called being a parent, Lloyd.
Besides, I changed your poopie diapers for 20 years.
(LAUGHS)
I totally sucked you in.
Half the time, it wasn't even my poop.
(CHUCKLES)
I wonder what it would have been like to raise a child.
Maybe I couldn't afford to send her to the best public schools,
but I'll bet I would have been a pretty good dad.
You don't need training wheels. You can do this.
Here we go!
MAN: Come on, come on!
(ALL CHEERING) No way!
That was awesome!
Awesome!
Perfect. Okay.
One,
two,
three.
(GROANS)
(CHUCKING)
Hey, Mr. Dunne.
Hello, Baxter. How are you? Good to see you.
Here you go, honey.
Thank you, Mr. Dunne! Bye,Dad!
Isn't that good? Mmm-hmm.
LLOYD: Mr. Dunne!
Mr. Dunne!
Hey, Mr. Dunne!
Do you mind?
Bon appétit, kid!
(MUNCHING)
(SQUEAKING)
Lloyd!
What are you doing?
I was trying to clean off this smudge!
But you know what?
I think it might be on the inside! (LAUGHS)
(EXHALES) (HORN HONKING)
ANNOUNCER: This type of evening always provides
nonstop surprises.
Ah, look who's arrived. Tom Brady
with his gorgeous wife, Giselle, by his side.
Doesn't she look radiant? Tom's in agreement, I think.
Now that is hot.
Y9K)-
That's why he gets all the girls.
(TURNS OFF TV)
(INHALES DEEPLY)
lt sure would be nice. (EXHALES)
What would be nice, Lloyd?
Oh! You know,
if she introduced me to one of her hot girlfriends.
(CHUCKLING) Girlfriends.
She's 22!
So?
So, that's a lot younger than you.
Don't worry, when we get home,
I'm gonna fix you up with someone your own age.
My age? Gross!
I mean, what would we talk about?
I don't know. Same stuff you talked about in high school
when you took chicks down to Oyster Swallow Cove. (LAUGHS)
Oyster Swallow Cove.
There's a trip down Mammary Lane.
(BOTH GIGGLING)
Oh, crap!
We gotta get back to Providence!
What? Why?
Remember I told you Ice Pick had to make
that rock candy run down to Maine?
Yeah.
I forgot to get someone to feed Butthole. (SCOFFS)
Relax. I took care of it.
You did?
Yeah. Billy in 4-C's gonna feed him.
(CHUCKLING) on, great!
Did you give him the key to our apartment?
No.
You think I want wheel marks all over the rug?
I just wrote him a note, left some food
and threw Butthole inside his place when we were leaving.
But, Lloyd, Billy has over a hundred rare birds in there!
So?
They're not gonna mess with a 30-pound alley cat.
(CHUCKLES) Sheesh!
Hey, gang! I'm home!
Guys?
(WHISTLING)
You sure are quiet.
(PARTS)
(SQUAWKS) Speak to me, Siskel.
The horror! The horror!
(HORN HONKING)
Are you sure you don't wanna come, Dad?
It's not gonna be nearly as much fun without you.
Oh, of course I wanna come, monkey,
but it's out of the question.
(coughing)
I'm way too flu-ey to travel.
But all the geeky science guys are gonna be so disappointed.
They were finally gonna get to meet you in person!
PINCHELOW: So sorry, honey.
Ms. Pinchelow, your car is here.
PENNY: Thanks, Travis!
Okay!
Take care of my dad, Adele.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, whoa!
Penny, do you have the speech I wrote for you?
I do.
Good. Oh!
I almost forgot. There's one more thing.
I want you to take this box
and personally give it to the head of the conference, Dr. Walcott,
and say how sorry I am that I can't be there.
Got it.
Oh, what's in the box, honey? Mmm.
Just a small gift.
Wow, Penny. You're giving a speech?
Oh, it's only a couple of sentences on the last day,
but then I'm picking up a reward for my dad.
Award, honey.
Did you remember to bring the ATM card I gave you?
Yes. But what’s my PIN number again? I keep forgetting.
It's11-11.
I thought it had to be four numbers.
There are four numbers.
One-one-one-one.
(HORN HONKING)
Time to go! Come on, Penny.
(BARKING)
Aw!
Are you smiling at me? Are you smiling at me?
He's a good boy! Yes, he is!
Let me see your purty teeth!
Oh! Say it, don't spray it!
(CHUCKLES)
(MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)
We're almost there. The guy told me to get off at the next exit.
Shh. They're picking the lottery balls.
ANNOUNCER: Here's today's Mega-Lottery picks, worth 34 million dollars.
The first number is 44. The next is 2.
38, 24, 21 and 54.
Cripes! I was so close!
I had all the right numbers, but in the wrong order.
PINCHELOW: Honey, my stomach is killing me.
Can you bring me some more Pepto?
I'm making you some nice warm oatmeal.
It will settle your tummy.
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
What are you doing?
I'm fixing lunch for my husband.
That's not enough.
(SCOFFS)
We gotta pick up the pace a little bit. We want him dead
before Dumbelina gets back from that egghead convention, remember?
Slow it down.
If we put too much in at once, it could show up in an autopsy.
Not this stuff.
I got it from my twin brother. He's Special Ops.
It's totally undetectable.
Now come on. Let's hurry this up.
That way we have a few extra days to ourselves,
to enjoy our inheritance.
Oh, there's gonna be plenty of time for that.
Five million dollars buys a lot of champagne.
(MOANING)
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
(WHISPERING) Give it to me.
(SIGHS)
(MOANS)
You like that, don't you?
Yeah. It's all right.
(MOANS)
I'll be honest. It's not my favorite thing.
(DOORBELL DINGING RAPIDLY)
Who the hell is that?
Boy, this is quite a shack, huh, Har?
Yeah, but I bet if you pulled the weeds off the walls
and slapped up some aluminum siding, it wouldn't be half bad.
Yeah. Those things are rat ladders.
ADELE: Please stop that.
There's a very sick man in here who's trying to rest.
I'm sorry, lady! We're looking for Fanny Felcher!
The one with the kidneys.
Is she there?
There is no one here by that horrible name.
Now go away.
Is this 6765 Elmwood Avenue,
Cranston, Rhode Island?
ADELE: You're in Maryland.
(GROANING) The side with the stamp!
(STAMMERING) I mean, uh, is this 1111 Foothill Road?
That's right.
But there are no Felchers here.
This is the Pinchelow residence.
Wait a second. My friend Harry here
gave his daughter up for adoption 20-something years ago
and we were told this is where she lives.
It's kind of a medical
emergency that we find her.
As long as she doesn't have AIDS. (INTERCOM BEEPS)
PINCHELOW: Adele, darling, whoever they are,
they must be talking about Penny!
She was adopted.
I'll see them. Let them in. (INTERCOM BUZZING)
What the hell was that?
That's exactly the kind of random crap we don't need!
Relax.
Would you like some hot tea with lemon?
Oh, no. I can see why you might think that.
Two gentlemen traveling together.
But we're straight.
PINCHELOW: I must tell you, Harry,
this is an unexpected treat.
Yeah! Me, too.
You know, I always wondered what Penny's natural father was like.
When my late wife and I adopted her,
we weren't given much information about her birth parents.
We were only told that her mother was single and that she was...
You can say it, dear.
She was rumored to be a titanic whore.
That's a lie! Fraida never stepped foot on the Titanic!
They must be talking about the time she did the night crew
on the Block Island Ferry.
(PINCHELOW LAUGHING)
That's good!
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
So, is Penny here?
Unfortunately, no.
She flew out this morning to El Paso.
She's going to the KEN Conference.
What? Who's this Ken guy?
No. No.
The KEN Conference is a symposium
where the year's newest technologies,
creative concepts and ideas
are introduced and discussed.
Wow.
That's the single most boring sentence I ever heard.
Adele, what do you say we call Penny right now
with the news that her biological father is looking for her?
She'll be so excited.
She might not be as excited as you think, Doc.
When her mother tried to get in touch with her,
she sent this letter right back.
PINCHELOW: Mmm.
That's interesting.
What's that, dear?
Uh, nothing.
She just, uh, never mentioned it.
But that was a couple of years ago.
I'm sure she'll appreciate all the trouble you've gone to
to find her. Let's call her.
(CELL PHONE BEEPS)
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
It's ringing! (CELL PHONE BUZZING)
(BEEP5)
(WHISPERING) Whoever this is,
we're in the middle of something really important.
Can you call back later?
No,lcan% call back later.
I have something to tell you that might freak you out a little bit,
but this is your dad.
(WHISPERING) What? Hold on.
Hey, guys, I know this is weird timing, but I gotta take this.
It's my dead dad.
She's got me on hold.
Dad, what did you do with all those Penthouses?
Did you throw them out?
No, they're under my mattress. Why?
You idiot, that is Penny's phone!
Oh.
Oh, no. No.
No! This is awful!
She forgot the package!
What are you doing? You shouldn't be up!
Just relax. We can overnight it to her.
No! No. We can't.
The culmination of my life's work is in this box.
It's much too valuable to ship.
(STAMMERING) I thought you said it was just a gift.
Oh, it is.
A gift to all humanity.
I wanted it to be a surprise, Adele. (EXHALES)
That's why I was unveiling it at the KEN Conference.
Wow.
Something like that's gotta be worth millions, huh?
Try billions. Billions?
PINCHELOW: Oh, yes. But I won't get a dime.
It would be morally wrong to profit from this.
Huh?
This box contains one of the most important
discoveries in human history
and all mankind deserves free access to it
and that is why I have relinquished
all proprietary rights.
Wait, when did you do that?
It's all in the speech
that Penny's going to read at the award ceremony.
Oh, my God, that's so nice! (CHUCKLES)
What in God's name?
You guys sounded busy, so we built a couch-fort.
You wanna come in, Dr. P?
Sorry, no girls allowed.
Boys rule, girls drool.
(LAUGHING)
Wait a minute.
I have an idea.
Why don't we have Harry and Lloyd
hand-deliver the box to Penny? (GASPS)
That way Harry will get to meet his daughter in person
and you'll be assured the box gets there safely.
(CHUCKLES)
(WHISPERING) Are you insane?
You think I'm just going to hand over my invention to these 10-year-olds?
Oh, don't you worry. We'll have Travis go with them.
He won't let anything happen to the box.
And he will lead them straight to Penny.
LLOYD: You can count on us, sir.
Our word is our bond.
(IN DEEP VOICE) James Bond.
(YELLS)
(BOTH GIGGLING)
I'm going with them? Why the hell did you tell him that?
Do you not realize what just fell into our laps?
Our five million just turned into a billion.
LLOYD: What's wrong with this thing?
Yeah, but he said he was gonna give it all away.
Not if we get to Penny before she reads that speech.
LLOYD: Hey,
when is this KEN thing, anyway?
It actually starts today,
but Penny doesn't give her speech until the night of May 2nd.
So that gives us...
How many days are in April?
"Thirty days have September,
"all the rest I can't remember."
Must be 31 because nothing rhymes with August.
LLOYD: No, I think it's 32, Har.
April's a leap month.
31. 32.
31.31,1,1,1! 2,2,2!
30! There's 30!
Thank you!
You said 31.
Yeah, but I was closer.
TRAVIS: Hey, guys, where's the box?
What box?
The box with the billion-dollar invention
Lloyd, what did you do with the box?
Me? You had it.
No, remember we stopped at that truck stop
and we were kicking field goals with it
out in that parking lot? LLOYD: Yeah.
I remember I kicked one over the telephone wires, and you said...
You know what, you're right. I did have it.
Look at that! (HARRY GASPS)
(SING SONG) I just saved humanity!
You know what? Maybe I should hold on to that box.
I don't think so, mister.
Dr. P encrusted that to me.
And I'm gonna make sure it gets to my daughter, safe and sound.
Yeah, well, you're doing a great job so far.
You guys wanna play "He Who Smelt lt"?
Yeah.
What's that?
It's complicated, so pay attention.
We put the windows up, first one who smells a fart gets a point.
If you say who dealt it,
double points.
But if you say you smelled a fart
and nobody farted,
like if we were just passing a slaughterhouse...
False fart!
...you lose a point. And you can't smell your own farts, either.
Are you guys kidding? No! No!
I'm not gonna sit around sniffing your farts like some kinda truffle pig.
Forget it! (CHUCKLES)
Okay, fine. Lloyd and I will play one-on-one.
Yeah, head-to-head.
How can you play one-on-one?
If you smell a fart, and you didn't do it,
isn't it obvious the other guy did?
I thought you said you never played before.
Yeah. Sounds like he wrote the rulebook.
I think we might have a hustler here, Har.
Uh-huh.
What are you doing?
I forgot.
TRAVIS: Uh, you know what? I'm going to make a rule.
There will be no fart games while I'm in the car, got it?
Wow.
Who made you king of the car?
I know how to settle this.
I'm thinking of a number between one and three.
Whoever guesses it gets to be king of the car.
One! No.
Three? Nope.
Okay, what is it?
Two.
(GROANS) (YELLING) I swear I was gonna say that!
All right, so it's agreed, I'm king of the car, right?
Fine.
Excuse me, Your Highness,
would you grab me a Slim Jim out of the back?
One of the long ones.
TRAVIS: Yeah. (GRUNTS)
(BOTH FARTING)
TRAVIS: Oh, hey, what the hell?
On, God! Hey!
No! Hey!
(GRUNTS)
(SCREAMING)
What is that? Oh, God!
(GROANING)
Look, Harry.
He's hooked on crack.
(LAUGHING)
TRAVIS: For the love of God, have mercy!
HERBERT: Hello, you've reached Herbert Felcher
at Felcher and Felcher Funeral Parlor.
Please leave a message at the beep. (BEEPS)
Hi! This is a private message for Fraida Felcher.
Would you please tell Fraida that Harry called?
Harry Dunne.
The guy who knocked her up 20-something years ago.
Um, pleasure finally meeting you all, by the way.
Anyway, would you tell her that I've located our daughter.
(CAMERA CLICKS)
She's at a thing called the KEN Conference in El Paso.
The town named after the bean dip.
(BABY CRYING)
Oh, that's sweet!
Bye, Grandma!
(IN MANLY VOICE) Have fun, sweetie.
WOMAN: Now, there's a real man.
I bet you he don't pee sitting down.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
(BOTH SCREAMING)
(GRUNTING)
Don't touch that joystick! (STRAINING)
(AIR HISSING)
(BOTH GASP)
STUDENT: WOW, look!
Let my pe0Ple
go! (ALL SCREAM)
Harry!
(GRUNTING)
It hurts, Lloyd. lt hurts so bad.
Which one hurts, Harry? This one? Or this one? (GROANS)
Stop it! Lloyd, please,
save my daughter.
And then
I want you to bone her like a chicken cutlet.
You hear me, mister?
(GASPS) (CHOKES)
(ALL GASP)
(SCREAMING)
Huh?
(ALL GRUNT)
(ALL SCREAMING)
(GRUNTS) (GROANS)
(GASPS)
(ALL SCREAMING)
(GROANS)
Looking for these?
(LAUGHS) (SNIFFLES)
(CHOKING)
(WHISTLES) on!
What are you doing?
Oh. Uh...
She's all clean, sir.
You're good to go.
(MUTTERING) Nutcase.
Hey, guys.
(SPITS)
(SIGHS) Let's call a truce, huh?
I think we got off on the wrong foot.
I don't wanna argue with you guys all the way down to El Paso.
So what do you say? Peace?
Come on, bring it in!
(CHUCKLES) Yeah, why not?
Hmm.
0K3)'-
Hey, all right. All right, that's good. Mmm...
All right, all right, all right. Aw.
Hey! Have you guys ever played "Funnel Nuts"?
What?
Oh, come on. You guys have had to play Funnel Nuts.
This is the best game ever invented.
Check it out, you take the funnel,
you put it in the front of your pants like that, right?
Okay? Then you put a peanut on your nose like this,
and then when you're ready...
No way!
You gotta be kidding!
That's not right! (TRAVIS CHUCKLES)
The person who gets the most nuts wins.
Now, who's gonna play me first?
I'll d0 it. I got it.
This is mine! You always go first!
I got it first!
Guys, hold on, all right? Look.
You guys play each other first, and then I'll play the winner.
All right.
Here you go.
Take your time. lt takes time.
Get a good balance on that.
Okay. Look way up high.
Good. Okay, keep looking at the sky. When you're ready.
Now don't drop it until you're ready, guys.
L9ot it!
(BLOWING RASPBERRY)
That's weird. Ooh!
The smell of peanuts makes my weenie cold. Ooh!
It shrank mine.
(CHUCKING)
Oh!
Hey!
(CHUCKING)
Do you believe that? Did you see what he did?
It's on!
Oh, yeah.
He's going down!
Right after we finish playing Funnel Nuts.
(WHISPERING) Shh. Don't wake him up! I know.
How many did you put in there?
Just enough to get a rise out of him.
(BOTH GIGGLE)
(SNORING)
(FIRECRACKERS BURSTING)
(SCREAMING)
N0! Oh, God!
No! Oh, my God!
(SCREAMING)
(BOTH LAUGHING)
(GROANING)
Oh, my God!
Wait, Lloyd. I think he might be hurt.
(GROANING)
Man, you okay? lt was just a goof.
Yeah. By the way, we're even.
I want them dead, now! Now! Do you hear me?
ADELE: (WHISPERING) Calm down.
No! No, I can't take it any longer!
(EXHALES) If you don't let me kill them now,
lam quitting, and I mean it!
Okay. Give me some time to think.
I'll come up with a plan.
Plan? You don't need a plan! These guys are morons!
Besides, I told you, my brother's in Special Ops.
I know how to get stuff done!
All right. But make sure nobody knows they paid us a visit.
I don't want this coming back to us.
God, shut up! (BEEPS)
I wonder what's in this sucker.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
That thing is worth a fortune! Be careful!
Give it to me.
It would be nice to know what's in it, though.
I've been racking my sack about that.
I have a theory.
(CHUCKLES) Oh, yeah?
He said it was something that would help everybody in the world, right?
Yeah.
I think it might be a baked potato.
How does a baked potato help everybody in the world?
That's the only part I haven't figured out yet.
You'll get it, Lloyd.
We should pick up some sour cream and chives, just in case.
Do you guys have any idea where we are?
Not really.
You're the one who told us to take the shortcut off the highway.
Yeah. It's like you wanted to get us alone, so you could kill us
and take the billion-dollar box.
But what would be the motive? (CHUCKLES)
Yeah. (CHUCKLES)
Yeah.
I better get a map out of the bag, huh?
Sure. Okay.
TRAVIS: So, guys, who else is helping you look for your daughter?
HARRY: No one. LLOYD: Mmm-hmm.
TRAVIS: Nobody?
Not even some friends to lend a hand? Mmm-mmm.
Nope, just us.
What about your wives? LLOYD: Wives?
How stupid do we look? (CHUCKLES)
Harry?
Easy.
(INHALES)
(SIGHS)
Close one. Any girlfriends?
Been there, done that.
See, we don't want to be tied down by anything or anyone.
We don't even have social security cards.
We sold them for 30 bucks to two Brazilian guys.
And the good thing about having no identity
is that you never have to worry about identity theft.
He can't even be identified by his teeth
because he's never even been to a dentist.
And I've never joined anything. Ever.
That's how you keep a low-pro.
Yep, there's no actual proof that we even exist.
LLOYD: If we died, no one would even miss us.
We are truly blessed.
(EXPLOSION) (TIRES SCREECHING)
(HIGH-PITCHED RINGING)
(INAUDIBLE)
(MUFFLED) What the hell happened, Harry?
What?
What the hell happened?
(LAUGHING) Whoo! HARRY: I can't hear you!
So long, boys. (SCREAMS)
(INAUDIBLE)
We may have been involved in an alien abduction, Harry.
Is your butt okay?
(GASPING)
Harry!
Holy crap!
He took off on us!
What?
He took off on us.
What?
LLOYD: I can't believe that douchebag stole our hearse.
I hope something really bad happens to him.
No, but I tried ostrich once.
Harry, holy cow.
I'm worried about you.
You're as deaf as a bat.
That's not exactly how it happened, Lloyd.
Your mother got into bed with me.
That's it. We're getting you hearing aids.
RECEPTIONIST: May I help you?
Um...
My friend here would like to visit his sweet 0l' grandma.
What's the name?
LLOYD: I'll give you a hint.
She's the one with the biggest hearing aids.
Ms. Snergle, your grandson and his friend are here.
This is stupid, Lloyd!
I'm not gonna steal an old lady's hearing aid!
(SHUSHING)
Relax!
We're just looking for a backup pair.
There's gotta be some around here.
Mikey?
Yeah, Gran.
It's Mikey.
MRS. SNERGLE: Oh, thank God you're here.
I've got the diamonds.
Did she say diamonds?
(CLICKING TONGUE)
Go ahead, Granny. Mikey's listening.
I want you to take all the diamonds with you when you go.
I've been hiding them from those thieving lawyers.
That's good.
Granny did a good thing!
So, where are the rocks?
They're underneath me.
You mean, under the bed?
No, under the blanket. Oh.
(MOANS)
I'm not finding anything. (CHUCKLES)
Go up more.
UP here? Keep QOing_
Did you hide them inside this turkey?
Yeah, right.
(INHALES) Wait.
There's no diamonds here!
And you're not my grandson!
Harry, she's got me.
She's really clamping down!
(GRUNTS)
Ahhh! (GASPS)
(SHUDDERING BREATH)
Lloyd?
(GIGGLING) I think that was her gran-gina.
That's right!
So you can cross that one off your bucket list!
(BLOWS) (BOTH COUGHING)
Hey, Goldfinger!
Here. (CHUCKLES)
You've earned them. (GIGGLING)
Are you serious?
Travis is dead?
LIPPINCOTT: That's right.
The Kansas state police informed me this morning.
I thought you'd want to know. (SIGHS)
Thank you, Captain Lippincott.
I know it's never easy to relay this kind of sad news.
But I want you to know that your brother, Travis,
was more than just a handyman to us.
He was
family. (CHUCKLES)
LIPPINCOTT: Really?
Do you suck the toe jam off Mommy and Daddy, too?
Um, I beg your pardon?
My brother told me everything.
(GASPS)
I don't know what you're talking about.
Look, lady, I know you're terminating your husband.
I'm the one who supplied you with the untraceables.
Remember? I also know
that my brother was supposed to eliminate those two idiots,
but somehow they turned the tables on him.
Relax.
I'm not here to turn you in.
I'm here to help you out.
So how are those things working?
Not bad. I can hear you a little.
Here, let me turn them up.
Honey, would you like some pancakes?
Yeah, I'd love some pancakes.
What? (SCREAMS)
Stop yelling! (GROANS) I'm not yelling.
Why would you say I'm yelling?
(YELLING) This is yelling!
(GROANING)
Harry!
I think I might have turned them up too high!
Oh, look! Barbara Hershey Highway. (CHUCKLES)
Wait a minute.
I think I know where we are.
Follow me.
Are you sure about this, Lloyd?
Positive. The kid worked at the hockey rink just past the museum.
Come on, Harry!
He drove a Zamboni!
(BOTH GASP)
Oh, my God. I never thought I'd see her again.
I don't know if I told you this, Har,
but that kid kinda porked me when I traded him for the mini bike.
And he only gave me a quarter-tank of gas.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
(TIRES SQUEAL)
(BRAKES SCREECH)
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
(HORN HONKING)
Yeah!
(HORN HONKING)
(SNORING)
Bush club!
Bush club! Bush club! Bush club! (GROANING)
(LAUGHING)
I feel really good, Har.
Me, too!
Really good!
You might want to step on it, Har!
(PANTING)
(GRUNTING)
(HORN HONKING)
Wow, look at all the brains.
(SING SONG) They're blinding me with science!
Okay, Lloyd. I'm gonna find out what time this thing starts.
You keep an eye out for Penny.
Roger that.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is an AMBER Alert.
Has anybody seen this lovely, delicate angel?
Have you seen her? Lovely and delicate.
This girl is slammin'.
Oh, yeah, sure, I know her.
I got a hit.
It's, uh, Penny Pinchelow.
I met her at the bar yesterday.
What's that supposed to mean?
Whoa! Easy, hoser!
We just hung out a little.
Oh.
Do you happen to know where she is right now?
Yeah, my, uh, friends just went to meet her at her hotel room.
They're walking her over here.
She's giving a speech tonight.
When you see her,
tell her that Lloyd and her dad are looking for her.
And get her to call me on this.
LLOYD: There you are!
I've been looking all over for you.
Cool!
I just ran into a Mexican guy who knows Penny.
He said she's on her way!
Come on, let's get in line.
(SOFTLY) Dressed like this?
Harry, people who come to these things are smart.
We can't go in there looking like a couple of goofballs.
Oh, yeah. Let's go buy some smart stuff.
How's your day?
Living the dream.
Ooh, that mac and cheese looks good!
Um, I think I'm gonna need some chopsticks
or a really, really skinny fork.
You got it.
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
It's open!
Hey,Penny!
Hey, Tom! Hey, Gus!
Hey, uh, Penny. Um...
What are you doing in your undies
in front of the room service guy here, eh? (BOTH CHUCKLE)
You don't know him.
Oh, no. Someone told me this great trick about how not to get nervous
when you're giving a speech.
All you do is imagine that you're in your underwear.
So I've been practicing all afternoon.
Will there be anything else, ma'am?
Oh, no. Just that skinny fork.
Right.
Okay. Burning daylight.
Yeah. Oh! Great news. Your dad showed up for the conference.
(GASPS) What? Yeah, Gordy just called us.
He ran into some guy named Lloyd who was with your father.
They were looking for them out front of the convention hall.
BARBARA: Oh, my goodness.
Are you absolutely certain?
And there's no way you're mistaken?
All right, um, yes, then I'll have someone
meet him at the door in a hurry.
(CHUCKLES) Yes, okay. Goodbye.
What is it?
Dr. Pinchelow is coming.
What? Are you certain? I thought he was sick!
Apparently he's better.
I just spoke with his daughter, Penny, on the phone
and she's headed right over here to meet him.
Oh, the man didn't even show up for his Nobel ceremony.
He showed up for us. Go find him.
Uh,yeah,yeah, I'm on it.
Lloyd, look!
Penny is speaking soon.
That's so hot. (CHUCKLES)
ADELE: ls it done? (SIGHS) No.
Some Canadian douchebags barged in before I could finish her.
0K3)'-
You follow Penny, and the next chance you get, kill her.
I'll take out the guys, get the box.
What if they have already gone into the KEN conference?
Not a chance.
The event's been sold out for over a year, and the security is insane.
Tickets, please.
No, thank you.
We're not much for boring speeches.
We just have to make sure that his daughter gets this box.
No tickie, no entry. No exceptions.
BARBARA: Have you found Dr. Pinchelow yet?
No. I don't even know what he looks like.
This is ridiculous.
How am I supposed to find the man in this throng
when all I know about him is that he wears hearing aids?
Great. It's sold out. I'm dead.
So much for higher education.
(GROANS)
Relax, Har.
We're gonna find her. Don't get that dying kidney all worked up.
Oh, it's not the kidney.
I think I gotta pinch a loaf.
Pinchelow? Did someone say Pinchelow?
Oh, my goodness, it is you!
You're really here! I'm Dr. Meldmann.
How was your trip from Maryland?
Not so great.
Somebody stole our car and he finger-bombed an old lady.
(CHUCKLES)
Sounds terrible.
We'll take really good care of you now that you're here.
Uh, would you like to go into the foyer
for the cocktail reception, Dr. Pinchelow?
Oh. Yes, Dr. Pinchelow would love to go
to the foyer for the cocktail reception.
Yeah, cool. Let's get ripped.
(CLEARS THROAT) Uh, this way, please.
I'm sorry, your name is?
I'm his associate, Dr. Christmas.
Ah, Christmas like the holiday?
No. (CHUCKLES) Like the tree.
(DR. MELDMANN CHUCKLES)
May I ask you a question, Doctor,
and I don't mean to be insensitive,
but, uh, does Dr. Pinchelow have Asperger's?
Probably.
I know he doesn't wipe real well.
Why don't you gentlemen make yourselves at home.
I'm gonna go fetch the, uh, director of the conference,
Dr. Barbara Walcott.
She can't wait to meet you.
Dr. Barbara? A lady doctor? Seriously?
Lady doctor, that always cracks me up.
Yeah, doctor of doing the laundry, maybe.
Am I right?
(BOTH SNICKERING)
I'll be right back.
What were you thinking, Lloyd?
Now he thinks we're doctors.
At least we're in the door.
Now all we gotta do is act intelligent. We'll fit right in.
0K3)'-
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Hi, barkeep.
How much for a beer? It's gratis.
Ooh.
That sounds expensive.
Can you give us a moment?
Lloyd, we blew our money on the graduation robes.
Maybe we shouldn't drink.
No way. I need booze, man.
If I meet your daughter without a buzz on,
she'll think I'm an idiot.
(HUFF5)
LLOYD: Hey, wait a minute!
What about the old Stinkeroo?
(SIGHS) Yeah, I'm in. (CHUCKLES)
(SCRATCHING)
(EXHALES)
Excuse me, ma'am. Yes?
This beer smells funky.
Can I have a new one, please?
What do you mean "funky"?
Go ahead, take a sniff.
(SNIFFS) EW!
I'll get you a freshie.
Mine is stinky, too.
(GAGGING)
Yours smells even worse!
(CHUCKLES) I'll be right back.
"Yours smells even worse."
Thanks! (BOTH CHUCKUNG)
You're really good at that, Lloyd.
I learned from the best.
Thanks, Mom.
I can't wait to see what's in this.
Yeah. Hey, Har? Mmm?
Do you know how long you have to wait
after kidney surgery to have sex?
I don't think I'll have to wait too long.
No, not you. I meant the donor chick.
What are you talking about? Okay! Fine!
Let's just drop it!
Here you go, doctors.
Fresh beers.
And I also brought you some hydroponically grown goji berries
with vegan barbecue sauce
and some organic pumpkin chips. Enjoy.
Why, thank you! Mmm.
BOTH: Mmm.
Mmm.
These are salty. Mmm-hmm.
Try these.
Mmm.
Yours are super tangy.
I like it a lot.
DR. MELDMANN: Gentlemen.
I'd like you to meet the director of the conference,
Dr. Barbara Walcott.
And, Barbara, this is Dr. Pinchelow
and his associate, Dr. Christmas.
Wonderful. It is a high honor to meet you both.
Wow. Great accent, doc. Where you from?
England. Surrey.
Oh, no need to apologize. That was years ago.
We kicked your butt anyway, so we're cool with it.
(BOTH LAUGH)
(LAUGHS)
BARBARA: Oh, you're a leg-puller!
(CHUCKLES) Let's get you both to your seats.
Professor Garabedian's KEN talk is about to begin.
Now, the existence of dark matter is largely inferred
from the gravitational effect on visible matter
and the gravitational lensing of background radiation.
We saved two seats for you at the end of the second row.
Just there.
...because they were trying to figure out the discrepancies...
You could actually go in the front.
HARRY: Coming through. LLOYD: My bad!
Here we go. Oops!
Wow. ls that silk?
(LAUGHS)
That sucks!
That's good. Sorry.
Watch my knee.
We make a better door than a window, don't we?
(TALKING)
LLOYD: I hope this isn't your favorite part.
HARRY: There are a couple of hotties over here.
'Got m (YELLING) om
(CHUCKLES)
That was easy!
That Dr. Pinchelow is certainly a fascinating character.
Of course he is. He's a genius.
Indeed, the Large Hadron Collider has already shown us
that dark matter is likely...
Especially when you eat prunes!
(FARTING NOISES) (CHUCKLES)
Yes. (CHUCKLES)
(STAMMERING) That dark matter is likely...
(FARTING NOISES) (CHUCKLES)
...the missing piece of the puzzle
that physicists have been searching for, for years.
BOTH: (CHANTING) Nerd!
Nerd! Nerd! Nerd! (CROWD MUMBLING)
Nerd! Nerd! Nerd!
Excuse me, gentlemen.
Holy crap!
(CHUCKLING) Did that come from you?
Dr. Garabedian is a world-renowned astrophysicist
and many of us are interested in hearing his findings.
I'm reading his mind. Mmm-hmm. I'm picking it up, too.
Who is that?
(WHISPERING) It's Dr. Pinchelow!
Bernard Pinchelow?
AUTOMATED VOICE: Dark matter is not a joke. (SQUEAKS)
Your antics are proving to be disruptive.
Thank you, Dr. Dilbeck,
but Dr. Pinchelow is right.
My dark matter data was insufficient. (CROWD MURMURING)
What the fuck?
My methods were sloppy.
I'm a hack. (CROWD GASPS)
(SOBBING) I'm really sorry.
See?
Eat me. Suck it!
You wish. Lloyd. Lloyd.
Thank you, Professor Garabedian.
That's what the KEN Conference is all about.
Truth.
But I will ask that everyone please behave
in a professional and dignified...
BOTH: Show us your tits!
(CROWD GASPS)
HARRY: Both Of them! LLOYD: (CHUCKLING) Yeah!
We're just gonna take a short two-minute break. Thank you!
(CHUCKING)
Man.
Hey, this is great!
We're learning so much about dark matter.
(FARTING NOISE) (LAUGHING)
Yes, indeed.
Uh, I'm sorry, Dr. Pinchelow,
but we can't seem to find Dr. Christmas on the roster.
Oh, that's okay. He's with me.
Due to security concerns everyone must be on the list to get in.
It's all right, Doctor.
I think I know a shakedown when I see one.
I'll tell you what.
I'm gonna write an IOU and I'm gonna leave it blank.
Anybody have a pen?
There are no exceptions.
Really?
I'll tell you what, warden.
If I'm leaving,
then my steamed colleague is leaving with me.
No, he's not.
Quick conference.
(WHISPERING) What are you doing, Har?
You're killing me! Lloyd, I can't leave.
Penny is gonna be speaking soon. I wanna meet her!
What?
How come you get to meet her before I do?
Lloyd, this is about me.
Me, my daughter and my kidney.
That's why we're here, remember?
How can I forget? It's all you ever talk about.
Penny and my kidney. My kidney and Penny.
To tell you the truth, I'm getting a little sick of it.
Wait a minute.
I know what you're up to, mister.
(CHUCKING)
You wanna stay because you're hot for my daughter!
What? Am I right?
That's insane!
Don't deny it, Lloyd!
You have been drooling over her
ever since you first saw her picture.
So what?
I'm not gonna apologize for letting nature take its course, Har.
I hate to burst your butthole, mister.
It ain't gonna happen.
It's my job to protect my daughter.
Protect her?
(CHUCKLING) Look who's talking!
You're trying to swindle her out of a kidney!
At least I'm gonna marry her.
Marry her? No.
You're not gonna marry. Why not?
No! Lloyd, you are not going to marry my daughter.
Why? Because she's a tick younger than me? Get over it.
Age is just a letter, man.
It's got nothing to do with age! It's got to do...
With what?
I'm her father, Lloyd,
and, frankly,
I think she can do better.
Oh...
0K3)'-
(GAGGING)
(CLICKING TONGUE)
Time to go, Doctor. All right, buddy.
(WHIMPERING) Harry? GUARD: Let's go.
LLOYD: Harry?
Harry?
Dr. Walcott just had a wonderful idea.
How would you like to come with us
and judge the Young Inventors competition?
Yeah, cool. Let's judge shit.
Hey! Hey!
So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Mmm, not that bad. (CHUCKLES)
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
(GASPS)
Hello?
(VOICE BREAKING) Hello? Hello?
(STAMMERS) Hello?
Penny?
I can't hear you, you're breaking up.
Penny?
Penny! How's this?
(VOICE BREAKING) Just hang on. Don't go anywhere.
(STATIC)
Can you hear me now?
Yes, I can hear you now.
LLOYD: Good! I can hear you loud and clear.
This is Lloyd, your dad's good buddy.
Unfortunately, I don't have him at the moment,
but, uh, he wanted me to ask you to find a nice, romantic place
where we can all meet.
No, by "romantic" I meant convenient.
And it has to be some place outside the convention center.
(GRUNTS)
The fountain? On Main Street? In 10 minutes?
Perfect!
Yes!
BARBARA: It's marvelous to meet you, Mrs. Pinchelow.
I trust you had a safe journey in?
It was lovely.
Great. We have a seat saved for you in the front row.
We're just about to introduce your charming husband.
My husband?
DR. MELDMANN: So let's give a warm, KEN welcome
to our very distinguished judge,
Dr. Bernard Pinchelow.
(APPLAUSE)
(WHISPERING) Hi!
Hello!
How about a hug?
Sure!
(GRUNTS)
Oh!
I love hellos.
Oh, me, too.
(GRUNTING)
Wow!
You're really sweet, mister,
but I'm waiting for my dad and his friend, so if you’ll excuse me.
No, it's me, Lloyd!
Hi, Lloyd, I'm Penny.
On! Lloyd! Hi! (CHUCKING)
It's so nice to meet you!
Um, where's my dad?
Uh, he was delayed, so, uh, he asked me to come by
and entertain you...
(BLUBBERING)
(CHUCKING)
...until he can meet up with us.
I think he wanted us to have a chance to bond.
James Bond.
Great!
Are you hungry? Can I get you something to eat?
Sure! (EXHALES)
(CHUCKLING) Awesome!
Wow!
We can go somewhere nice.
Sounds yummy!
Here, try this.
This is incredible popcorn.
And I know popcorn. I'm the second-best popcorn maker I know.
All right, I'll take the bait. Who's the third-best?
I know, right? I've always wondered that!
(GRUNTS) (LAUGHS)
Shrub club! (LAUGHS)
Sorry!
It's just this game that I play with my friends back home.
I love you!
What?
Um...
That's a direct quote, from your dad.
(EXHALING) "I love you."
His words.
Hey, wait a second.
How do I even know that you know my dad?
You could be one of those foreign guys who always calls me up
and makes me get undressed in front of the computer
because he lost his passports and money.
No, no, that's not me.
Look, I can prove it.
I have your cell phone.
Oh, my gosh! No wonder no one's been calling me!
Oh.
LLOYD: I, uh, plugged my number in there
in case you need me late at night.
Oh, and we brought your box. You left it at the house, you stupid idiot.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
Hey, you wanna see something neat?
Okay!
(GASPS)
Wait, are you sure that it's okay for birds to be eating Pop Rocks?
I mean, you'd think it would be bad for their teeth.
Nah! That’s just a suburban legend.
On. (GUNSHOT)
Shit!
Spontaneous combustion, however, totally real.
Oh.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
What? ADELE: You gotta get back here right now.
One of those idiots is in the building
and he's pretending to be my husband!
Why don't you tell them he's not your husband?
Because I don't even know what they're up to.
He must be trying to sell the box.
Just get back here!
This microscopic robot, or nanobot
can be injected into the human body
to detect and cure cancer.
(CROWD GASPS)
Interesting.
Can it sing? (CROWD LAUGHS)
Uh...
What?
They got a large-mouth bass now that you hang it on the wall.
When you walk past it, it sings Take Me to the River.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Are you saying... What I'm saying is,
you're this close,
but there's a drawing board you should be getting back to.
Next! (CROWD LAUGHS)
But it cures cancer.
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
Ni hao.
Listen to this.
"You will do important things in the world."
(GASPS) That's so weird
because I actually want to do important things in the world.
Wow. That's neat.
Someday, I wanna do important things, too.
Oh, yeah? Like what?
I'm thinking about getting new speakers.
On. (SLURPS)
I've always wanted to go to India
and volunteer at one of those leprechaun colonies.
I think you mean Ireland.
Oh.
So what does your cookie say?
"You will have an amazing romance
"with the person sitted across from you."
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
It's a good thing I'm not your uncle.
"And don't be concerned about the age difference.
"Just shut up and make out.
"It will all sort itself out later. You'll see!"
That's ridiculously specific. Let me see that.
If you don't eat it, it doesn't come true.
Hey, where's my dad?
Do you know if Adele came with him?
She's probably the one slowing him down.
Adele?
His wife.
Harry doesn't have a wife.
Who's Harry?
Your father.
My father's name's not Harry.
It's Bernard.
Oh, yeah, but I'm talking about your real dad.
Harry Dunne!
The guy who abandoned you when you were a little, tiny baby.
You're gonna love him!
Wait a second.
So you're saying we're supposed to be meeting
my biographical father?
Yes.
Here.
This is a letter from your real mother, Fraida, that you sent back to her.
Nice.
"Do not contact again."
This isn't my handwriting.
I don't even know cursive.
"Dear daughter, I gave you up for adoption 18 years ago
"because I thought it was the right thing to do.
"I hope and pray I made the correct decision.
"You were conceived in Rhode Island on a chilly autumn night
"in the parking lot at Oyster Swallow Cove.
"We were young and stupid, especially him."
(SOFTLY) Oyster Swallow Cove?
FRAIDA: Are you ready, baby?
(BLOWS)
(SNIFFS)
Mmm-hmm.
Whoa! Whoa!
Slow down.
Let's be responsible here.
I brought some protection.
(CLICKS)
(SIGHS)
Let's do this.
(GRUNTING)
"So, if you ever wanna get in touch, I would love to meet you.
"All my love, Fraida Felcher, your mom."
That means I'm your...
And we almost...
Lloyd? Are you okay?
(GRUNTS)
I'm sorry, Lloyd, but I gotta get back to the convention.
I'm supposed to be giving a big speech for my dad any minute.
But, wait. We have so much to talk about.
It's an emergency!
It's all a big misunderstanding! I've gotta go!
(YELLING) Not dressed like that, you're not!
You're grounded!
(WHISPERING) Wait a minute.
If she's my kid,
then she's not Harry's kid,
and he can't take her kidneys.
What have I done?
Hi, I need to get in.
Credentials, please?
Oh, I'm giving a speech. (CHUCKLES)
Credentials, please.
What is that?
Is it that thingy that they gave me to get in here?
I think I've got it here, somewhere.
Mister, lam appealing to your sense of God and family.
I got a message that my daughter,
who I have not seen in 22 years,
is in there.
The event will be letting out soon.
After 22 years, what's another couple of hours, right?
Okay, buddy.
There's got to be a, uh,
broom closet around here somewhere, huh?
I'm sure we could work something out.
I didn't take 34 years to come out of the closet
just to go back into one
with you.
Okay, this device will give us a visual rendering of your cognitive processes.
Could you repeat the question? (CROWD LAUGHS)
This device will show us what he's thinking
right on this screen.
(BLOWS RASPBERRY)
(CHUCKLING) Yeah, really.
STUDENT: Go ahead, Dr. Pinchelow.
Think of a pleasant memory from your childhood. (BEEPS)
(SIGHS) okay-
(CROWD GASPS)
(CRACKING)
(CROWD EXCLAIMS)
Oh!
YOUNG HARRY: Here, Biscuit!
Biscuit, come here, boy.
(WHISTLING)
The door, buddy. Get the door.
(CROWD GROANS DISGUSTEDLY)
(SIGHS)
(GROANING)
Oh, okay.
(STUTTERING)
No! This gadget is way off!
(CROWD GASPS) First of all, my bedspread was orange.
(CROWD LAUGHS)
Are you okay, honey?
No, not really.
Boyfriend trouble?
No. I need a ticket to get in
and I lost the ticket that they need to take, plus, I lost my pass.
And I thought that I grabbed it,
but when I looked in my purse,
all I saw was the toothbrush. So maybe I took...
Okay, okay, 0K8)'-
(SIGHS)
All right.
What's going on?
My father's supposed to be getting a huge reward,
and I'm supposed to be making the speech,
and the speech is supposed to start right now,
and there's no way they'll let me in without a ticket.
Oh, honey.
There is always a way.
I admit, it's thought-provoking.
An invention that ends world hunger.
But, have you considered this,
where does all the extra poop go?
(ALL LAUGHING)
What? No.
The point is that there's no more hunger.
Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen.
We're gonna take a very brief break.
Uh, please stay in your seats
and we will resume, uh, shortly.
Why?
We're gonna have to take a walk.
Come on. I'm judging.
You're out of here. Okay!
You're out.
Mrs. P,
what are you doing here?
Do you always call your wife Mrs. P?
Oh, uh...
How you doing, sugar tits? I missed you.
This man is a fraud.
And that box belongs to my husband.
He stole it from us.
Hand it over, buddy.
Uh-uh. I swore I'd only give this box to Penny.
Give me the box! Here you go.
(ALARM WINING)
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
ADELE: What's happening? BARBARA: I have no idea.
Hey!
Hey, hey! Get back here!
Out of my way!
Thanks a lot, lady!
It's the least I could do.
(CHUCKLES)
(SIGHS DEEPLY)
(STUTTERS)
There's something I need to tell you.
(STAMMERS) You're my...
Okay. The reason I'm here is...
HARRY: Fraida!
FRAIDA: Harry? (CHUCKLES)
You made it! Oh!
Oh, and you found Penny.
Hey, how do you know my...
Oh! You're Harry?
Yes! And I'm your mother!
(GASPS)
He's got a gun! (ALL SCREAMING)
(DOOR CREAKS OPEN)
Why you standing in the toilet?
So you wouldn't see my feet.
Why not just stand on the rim?
There's ball hairs all over that thing.
I'm not stupid.
Get out of there! Move it!
Now!
Please don't hurt Penny, Mrs. P.
She's young and still has most of her future ahead of her.
Get the box.
Harry! There you are!
(CHUCKLES) Good thing you're loud.
What are you doing, Mrs. P?
I'm about to kill you.
Wait, wait, wait!
Can't you kill someone else?
My daughter, Penny, needs me now.
What are you talking about, Lloyd? Penny's my daughter.
No, Harry, she isn't. Mmm-mmm.
What?
Why would you think that she's your daughter?
Because of the postcard.
I was about to be a single mom and I needed money.
And you owed me 40 bucks
from that stupid worm farm loan.
LLOYD: It's true, Har.
I'm the deadbeat dad, not you.
(YELPS)
I'm Penny's baby-papa.
(HOWLS)
But don’t judge me till you see this.
Oh, yeah, like a cooler of cold brewskies
is gonna make everything okay!
It's not beer, it's my kidney!
Your kidney?
I figured
since you can't get one from Penny,
I'd give it to you myself.
Holy shit.
How did you get this? (PANTING)
I crossed the border into Mexico.
Turns out, the medical regs are a little more chill down there.
Pardon me for bringing this up, but I don't give a shit!
Yeah, but, Lloyd, she isn't your daughter either.
Nice try, Fraida,
but Penny read me the letter.
I know all about Oyster Swallow Cove,
which is exactly where you took me in the van!
So?
That was my spot.
I must have taken hundreds of guys there.
What can I say?
I was a titanic whore.
That's enough bullshit.
Go ahead, Lippincott, kill them.
LIPPINCOTT: Oh, I Will.
But first, why don't you join them.
(BREATHING HEAVILY) What?
You heard me. Drop it!
Get over there! Get over there!
You're kidding. She's on our team now?
Don't do this, Lippincott.
You're a military man.
I know you've got more integrity than this!
What is this?
Huh?
Two cupcakes?
Actually, there were four cupcakes, sir.
I ate the two chocolate ones. Lloyd!
It's okay. I left the vanilla ones for humanity.
Where's the invention?
Where's the goddamn billion-dollar invention?
(INDISTINCT YELLING)
Put the gun down! Freeze!
Put the gun down, Lippincott!
(CLATTERS)
(DOOR CREAKS OPEN)
Well! Hello.
Dad!
Bernard. Oh, thank God you're here.
God, and you're okay!
Stop right there.
What?
I appreciate your concern, Adele,
but it's a little late for that.
You see...
I couldn't stop wondering
why every time I ate your cooking, I was getting sicker.
And then when Harry and Lloyd showed me
the letter from Penny's birth mother,
I recognized that the handwriting
sending it back was yours.
And the cruelty of this got me to thinking.
Sol laid a little trap, and lo and behold, you took the bait
like the toe-sucking rat that you are.
After you left for El Paso,
I called the FBI to make sure Penny was protected.
I thought those Canadian accents were a little shaky.
Yeah? You try it.
But what about the invension?
It was just cupcakes.
A gift for Dr. Barbara Walcott
for my having canceled at the last moment.
This is great, Dad!
Now you can pick up your Lifetime Achievement reward in person!
It's "award," you stupid bitch!
No!
(GROANING)
(GRUNTING)
(INDISTINCT YELLING)
BOTH: Break it up! Get off!
Hands behind your back. Hands behind your back. (GRUNTING)
I'm the good guy here! All right.
(PANTS)
Are you okay, Har?
I think so.
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
Oh, yeah, it's just a little graze.
Uh, Har?
You might wanna put a dab of Bactine on that.
(SIREN WAILING)
Hurry, he's been shot!
MAN: We need a trauma room.
You're gonna be okay. What have we got?
Gunshot wound, left shoulder.
Lloyd, the kidney!
Kidney?
Oh, yeah.
Would you, by any chance, have time this evening
to swap out a kidney?
I'm sorry, sir. What is this?
It's a kidney. My kidney.
It's for him,
my best pal. (GROANING) Ah!
He needs it.
Gentlemen, this is not a kidney.
What is it?
Better not be my heart. DOCTOR: No.
I believe it's a pork chop.
In a baggie. (CHUCKLING)
I wondered why my kidney had grill marks.
And a bone.
Hey, wait.
Does that mean I still have all my kidneys?
Let's have a look.
Ah.
I'm going to say probably not.
That's it.
I am gonna give that quack an earful
at my follow-up appointment next Tuesday.
(SOBBING) I'm sorry, Harry.
I failed you again!
(SNIFFLES)
It's okay, Lloyd.
(SNIFFLES) I forgive you.
(SNICKERS)
LLOYD: What's so funny?
Got ya!
(MUMBLES)
I never needed a kidney!
(LAUGHS)
What?
Oh, you should have seen the look on your face!
L9°t YOU $0 good!
(LAUGHING) (EXHALES)
Wait a minute.
You mean,
I had my kidney removed
in the backseat of a Toyota Tercel
and you were faking? Uh-huh.
That is awesome!
(LAUGHING)
That is a good one.
Totally worth it!
Gentlemen, I hate to break up this Mensa summit,
but we've gotta get this man's shoulder cleaned out.
Do you remember, you've been shot?
That was a good gag, Harry.
(LAUGHING)
But don't you think it still would have been funny
if you had told me you were kidding before I lost my vital organ?
Oh, definitely. Butnotas!
(LAUGHING)
That's true.
You guys are so cool.
How can I ever thank you for what you did for me?
Got any cash?
Oh, yeah.
I think I've got a couple...
Thanks.
Score.
(PINCHELOW LAUGHING)
(LAUGHING)
(PINCHELOW CLEARS THROAT)
Oh, uh...
I'm sure those janitors will thank us later. Mmm.
We were just straightening up their broom closet.
FRAIDA: Penny, wonderful news!
Your father has invited me to come stay with you for a while,
so we can really get to know each other.
That's fantastic!
So let me ask you something, Fraida.
If I'm not Penny's father and Lloyd's not her father,
then who's her father?
Funny you should ask.
Honey,
how would you like to meet some relatives?
LLOYD: Mr. Stainer?
Oh, I should have known.
(YELLING) You horny, old goat!
No, Lloyd!
Mr. Stainer is Penny's grandfather.
Come on.
So, you mean Pee-Stain is the dad?
Duh!
(CHUCKING)
Hi!
Oh...
She's beautiful!
Sweet Jesus, look at her.
She's got Peter's eyes.
You're kidding!
He donated them?
Hi, Pee-Stain!
Stainy!
Hey, sorry you got killed!
Let's get you away from these guys, huh? Let's go.
PINCHELOW: Yeah.
Guys, there's still one thing I don't understand.
How could either of you have possibly thought
that you were Penny's father?
(SCOFFS) Why wouldn't we? Yeah!
Because we never had sex.
On. (CHUCKLES)
(SNICKERING)
You could have fooled us.
Yeah, nice try, Snow White.
Does the word "hot tub" jog your memory?
If I recall,
I played with your boobies for a long time that night.
The motor boat,
the windshield wipers,
the punching bag.
You know, Harry,
you can't get a woman pregnant by man-handling her breasts.
Oh, really?
Then why did your doorbells get so hard? (BOTH CHUCKLE)
Yeah. And did you forget about the French tickler,
in the back of the van?
Putting a frilly, glow-in-the-dark condom on your finger
is not the same as having sex.
But what if I go like this?
(GIBBERING)
No.
Okay, Dr. Picasso, what's your definition of sex?
(WHISPERING)
No way!
That's just...
Not my mom!
But that's where she pees!
It's in my head and I can't unlearn it!
You're bad!
Can you show us?
I call sloppy seconds!
(SIGHS)
Looks like everyone else ended up with someone.
Y9K)-
And I got this pork chop.
(CHUCKLES)
So let me get this straight, Har.
When you visited me in the nuthouse the last time...
Uh-huh. ...you knew about Penny already?
No, I found out about her when we visited my parents.
But I had finally figured out that you were faking.
Really? How? Mmm-hmm.
What gave it away?
A few months ago, I was changing your diaper before bedtime
and you just seemed a little too upbeat.
Lloyd,
even though it's Christmas Eve,
I want you to know that there's no place I would rather be
than right here, wiping my best friend's dookie.
(PARTS)
on. (CHUCKLES)
Looks like we got another stocking stuffer.
(CHUCKLES)
(CHUCKLING) I remember that.
That was the night I had all that eggnog and lamb, right?
Yeah. Whoa!
Lloyd!
Check out the hotties at 12 o'clock.
That's almost three hours away.
Can't I check them out now?
(GRUNTING)
(BOTH BREATHING HEAVILY)
(SPUTTERING)
Okay, Lloyd,
this time we're not gonna be stupid and pass up a sure thing.
I hear you, Han
We'll never get another chance like this.
Our time has finally come.
(BOTH SCREAM)
BOTH: Bush club!
(BOTH LAUGHING)
(FOLK MUSIC PLAYING)
Oh, crap!
I ordered a vanilla shake and they gave me a chocolate one.
Tell me about it. I ordered a chocolate shake.
Those dopes gave me a vanilla one.
They do that a lot.
What the hell?
Kick his ass, Sea bass!
SEABASS: Arr, the dirty sons-of-bitches!