MAN 1: One contest.... MAN 2: Jon, one song....
MAN 1: Trust me. MAN 3: Hit the fucking brakes.
JON: This place looks sweet. KYLE: I'll get the boards.
ERIK: That's my boy. KYLE: Yeah, fuck you.
JON: Hey. Who is this guy? SHANE: Some freak from Santa Clara.
-Don't worry about him. ERIK: Who gives a fuck?
JON: No, I'm not worried about it, I'm just saying.
KYLE: Listen, man, this is fucking America, man, not fucking Zimbabwe.
ERIK: Zimbabwe? Yo, fucking Caribbean, bitch.
How many times I gotta remind you? Kiss my ass.
Yo, leave this motherfucker here, man.
I'll drive Miss Daisy, I'll drive your ass home, bitch.
Drive this surfboard right up your....
JON: Let's go. KYLE: We're breaking in!
JON: Hey. Keep it down. ERIK: Shut up!
-Shut up! SHANE: Why, are you scared?
JON: Yeah. Yeah, I'm scared.
-Don't drop my board or I'll cut your throat. KYLE: Take this, Aryan bitch.
ERIK: I don't know where you found this swastika-waving wannabe-skinhead.
-Get the fuck away from me. JON: Fucking psycho.
[KYLE LAUGHING]
[SURFERS LAUGHING]
SHANE: Wait till you see the reaction on his face.
KYLE: Yo, it's corn-fed, fucking....
What the fuck are you doing on my beach?
ERIK: What you say, fussy? You're too red-eyed.
You don't run this thing. You run your pussy-whore blood-clot.
[SURFERS LAUGHING]
He says that you don't own the ocean.
Is that a fact?
Let me tell you something.
I own every drop of water between here and the lighthouse...
...as well as the sand and everything on it.
Which I guess now includes you.
[LAUGHING]
KYLE: Hey, you know what? Fuck that.
Why don't you just blow me, you old fuck?
Hey. Take it easy, man. We're done here, anyway.
Uh-uh. We're just getting started.
-Jesus. -We jumped your gate, it's not like...
...we went for a swim in your pool.
-We'd never go into anyone's house. -Unless we were invited.
[SCREECHING]
Hey.
Make sure you take the head.
Yo. Suck my dick, bitch.
Hey, Shane. Check this out.
Ow. Fucking....
I think I hit the spine.
Oh, you son of a bitch.
You fucking....
Clear the shot.
There you go. You ain't talking shit now, you bitch.
[AIRBOURNE'S "TOO MUCH, TOO YOUNG, TOO FAST" PLAYS ON CAR STEREO]
[MUSIC STOPS]
Not bad, right?
Not bad, not bad.
Not bad at all.
Right, little sister?
Thank you.
-Told you this was gonna work out. -Yeah? Then where's the sun?
The sun's overrated.
Gives you wrinkles.
-Chris. -Come on.
Get out.
CHRIS: Be nice. NICOLE: I'm always nice.
You're the one with the temper.
Now, see? That wasn't nice.
[NICOLE LAUGHS]
NICOLE: You're such an ass. CHRIS: Yup.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
WOMAN: Coming.
-Oh, my goodness, look at you. -Hi. Hey, Aunt Jillian.
I wasn't expecting you for ages, you're so early.
We didn't know how long it would take.
The last time I saw you, you were this high.
-I drank my milk. -Come here.
You drank your milk, you silly....
And Nicole, come here. Come here.
Let me look at you.
You're so beautiful. You--
You look so much like your mom.
-It's totally blowing my mind. NICOLE: Thanks.
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry that I didn't--
-That's okay, Aunt Jillian. -Didn't know--
NICOLE: Aunt Jillian.
-Thank you. -Look at me.
Let's get you guys situated.
So this is what we call in the business "a diamond in the rough."
It's got great bones, but it could use a little sprucing up.
There we go.
So there's the kitchen over there and some storage over there.
Sleeping space here, living-- Come this way.
Half-bath through there...
...and it creates a very nice rustic-y charm, feng-shui-type flow...
...that leads us straight out to-- Come on.
--this out to here.
There we go. Ta-da!
Beautiful.
Just watch that step there.
So lots of fresh air--
Scat. Scat.
Just ignore the old guy.
I was thinking 650 a month, how does that sound?
Six-fifty?
I know, I know. I could be getting at least 800, but what am I gonna do?
Charge you guys full price? You're family.
Well, it sounds good.
It is so great having you both here.
Here's the keys. Remember, Jillian with a J.
NICOLE: I thought she was gonna let us stay here for free.
CHRIS: Well, yeah. So did I.
NICOLE: Does this even work? CHRIS: Yeah. I'm sure it's fine.
-Plug it in, dust it off. -It doesn't work.
Hey, Nicole. Check this out.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
Oh, my God.
We're gonna put this up right now. These have got to go up.
It's a safety hazard.
CHRIS: Right there on that nail, right there. -Oh, oh, wait. There?
Now this place has everything.
Chris, where are we gonna sleep?
No, no, no. There's a bedroom back here, and we have that futon.
Maybe we can pick up another futon, used, for right over there.
-A futon? A used futon? -Yeah.
Great. Yeah.
You know, I bet this is just like college, only not cool.
You know what?
Maybe we'll get out of here for a little bit, okay?
We can unpack later. Let's go.
NICOLE: Okay.
It's right here.
Hey, you wouldn't happen to have the time?
Um.... Uh....
You're actually wearing a watch, so....
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure it's broken, you know.
Oh. Uh-huh.
You're Chris Emerson, right?
Yeah, yeah. What's your name, man?
-Alex. -Hey.
Dude, it's too bad you got kicked off the circuit.
You were the most amazing surfer since Slater, since Powers, man.
-You totally screwed that guy up. -Thanks dude, I appreciate that.
So, what are you doing here alone?
That sounded kind of creepy, didn't it?
Yeah, a little.
I'm here with my brother.
Reason I asked is because it's not that safe around here...
...for girls to be alone, you know?
-Creepy, once again. Sorry. -Yeah. Yeah, a little bit.
Just, for whatever reason, this town manages to attract...
...a lot of freaks and weirdoes.
Not that I'm a freak or a weirdo.
I'm just gonna stop talking, okay?
Okay.
Wanna check something real? Check out the Frog Brothers' shop.
I'm looking for some work.
I got the place pretty much handled.
Yeah, I know. I can tell.
You seem really busy, but I was looking to shape.
Well, in that case, yeah, check out Frog Brothers, man.
He's the only real shaper we have around here.
Where's his shop at?
Man, it's in the ass-end of nowhere, but I'll draw you a map.
-I'm gonna give you my number. -Because that's not creepy.
-Is it? -I'm totally kidding.
Okay, sorry.
NICOLE: I don't really even know your name.
-Evan. -I'm Nicole.
Just call me if you want somebody to hang out with. There you go.
Cool.
CHRIS: This should be it, right up here.
NICOLE: Charming.
Call me crazy, but do you really think anyone who lives here...
...would be able to pay you to shape?
It doesn't hurt to try.
-Okay, can we go? -No. Hand me a piece of paper and a pen.
Why?
Just in case he doesn't have a phone, I want him to know where to find me.
Oh, yes. Yes, leave our address...
...at the creepy Texas Chainsaw Massacre trailer.
It's a good plan.
CHRIS: I still think it's nicer than our place.
[CHRIS LAUGHS]
And what do you think the state of the shower is?
Not good.
I think I'm gonna give it a shot.
Sorry. Did I scare you?
No, sorry, you just--
I didn't hear you come up.
You want a picture? It might last longer.
Sorry, man. Just--
You look exactly like Shane Powers.
That makes sense.
What the hell happened to you, man? You had everything.
You were the greatest surfer in the world and you just disappeared?
I could probably ask you the same question.
Right?
Yeah, well. I don't know.
The dust hasn't settled yet so I don't know what the hell happened.
Well, don't take too long to figure it out.
But I had a chance to change my life and I took it, you know.
Carpe diem.
You got plans for tonight?
CHRIS: No.
I'm having a surf party.
You should cruise over, meet the rest of the guys.
They're killer.
NICOLE: Can I come?
No, I don't think it's a good idea.
Why not?
I don't know. A gut feeling I have, I don't know.
I just met this guy.
Oh, please, you had a poster of him on your wall in high school.
So I wanna go hang out at his house? He's--
He's kind of a weirdo.
-Weird is good. -No, weird is weird, all right?
-I'm not going, so just save your breath. -What do you mean you're not going?
Chris, what are--? No. Get up, okay?
-Get up. You need a night out. -No, I don't.
Okay, I need a night out.
Let's go. Get up and--
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
-Hey. -Hi.
I don't know if the two of you are busy tonight or not, but...
...I have got The Goonies.
Excuse me?
JILLIAN: The Goonies?
Oh, my gosh, you mean to say the two of you have never heard of The Goonies?
You are in for a very serious treat.
Oh. Uh.... Actually, I mean, that--
Yeah, that sounds fun, but we actually have plans.
We're going to a party.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]
NICOLE: It's not gonna be that bad.
CHRIS: Talk to me after I have a drink.
I'm about to show you how to make the badass...
...motherfucking sickest margarita recipe you've ever heard of.
Take your hundred-percent, blue-agave tequila...
...a fresh squeeze of lemon and/or lime juice...
...a little bit of an orange liqueur, something to kind of...take the edge off that.
The fourth and very secret ingredient ties the whole room together.
Kind of like that rug in The Big Lebowski.
And it's Chris-fucking-Emerson and his...
-...hot piece-of-ass sister, Nicole? -Let's go.
JON: What are you guys doing here? -Shane invited us.
JON: No, idiot, here in Luna Bay.
-Are you fucking stalking me? CHRIS: We live here.
JON: Maybe we can get together again, Nicole.
-You bar-bitching? That your new job? JON: Not you, maybe your hot sister, though.
Speaking of which, it's been a long time.
-You're looking really good in those boots. -Why don't you stop being such an ass?
JON: Ooh! Yeah, that's right, walk away.
Nicole, you're looking good, you've really grown into yourself.
-Fuck off. JON: Call me.
I told you this was a bad idea.
-Forget about him. He's trying to get to you. -I don't care, I'm not staying at this party.
Chris. No, that's stupid, we just got here.
I don't wanna go anywhere, Chris, I wanna stay and have a good time, okay?
I'm not a kid anymore.
I know you're not, but you're still my responsibility, so let's go.
Okay, I won't get in trouble, okay? I promise.
I'll take care of myself and you take care of yourself, okay?
MAN: Hey, man, what's up? Yes, dude.
Dude, right? That's tight, bro.
Okay, okay. Don't look now...
...but that little hottie over there by the fire is giving you all kinds of love.
Have fun.
Hey, Nicole.
Nicole. Nicole.
-Whoo! Woo-hoo. Hey, what's your deal?
The deal is you're gonna go over there and sit by yourself...
...and you're gonna drink these margaritas by yourself.
-No, I'm not. KYLE: Jon.
Better than the alternative, bro.
It's a hell of a view, isn't it?
Yeah. The whole place, it's incredible.
Yeah. When I saw that view, I just knew I had to have this place.
I'm Shane.
I'm Nicole.
Well, Nicole, how about I give you a little tour?
Yeah, okay.
So are you gonna make your move or are you just gonna watch me dance all night?
I was waiting for my moment.
Seems to me like your moment almost passed you by, cowboy.
I don't know, you're standing here talking to me.
Only because I have a weakness for surfer boys.
And because I know who you are.
You follow surfing?
Surfers.
I follow surfers.
And sometimes they follow me.
[SHOWER RUNNING]
This is un-fucking-believable.
NICOLE: Wow.
-This place is amazing. -Thank you.
So do you and your brother get along?
Yeah. Well, most of the time, you know.
-Kind of have to. -You have to? Why's that?
Well, because it's pretty much just us now.
Our parents died in a car accident a few years ago.
I think it was actually a lot harder on Chris than it was on me.
You know, I think that's why he snapped.
Is that why he got kicked off the circuit?
-Yeah. Yeah. -Yeah.
And lost all his sponsors. Not the right image.
So we started running out of money and that's how we ended up here.
Yeah. Yeah.
Well, your brother's a good guy, huh?
He just got a tough break. You both did.
Well...
...I actually think death can be a positive thing.
You know, because...
...knowing you're gonna die makes you appreciate life.
The whole carpe diem thing.
That's an interesting view for someone so young.
I'm not that young.
Well....
Dying is a part of living, you know?
It's something that's gonna happen to all of us someday, right?
That depends.
I wanna try something.
I want you to take this dead rose in your hand.
I believe that it's possible for us to change reality...
...through sheer force of will.
You think that's possible?
Um....
-I guess so. -You guess so or you know so?
-I know so. -You know so.
Okay, well then, close your eyes.
Close your eyes.
Now focus on this rose...
...and try to imagine what it must have been like when it was alive and vital.
Do you feel anything?
-Definitely. -Mm-hm.
Open your eyes.
NICOLE: Oh, my God.
How did you do that?
Magic.
And I didn't do it...
...we did it, together.
What is it?
It's good, try it.
-Smells good. -Mm-hm.
What do you think?
I like it.
-You okay? -Yeah.
It just went right to my head.
You wanna go outside and get some fresh air?
Yeah? Let's go.
SHANE: You wanna go for a ride?
I don't know. It's kind of cold out.
Well, that's what this is for.
-Yo, Jo-Jo. JON: Hey.
ERIK: Watch the pretty boy there.
So here we are. Let's show him a little something.
JON: Yeah. -Come, now.
-Why don't you come upstairs with me-- -Yo, Kyle.
[GRUNTING]
[WOMEN SCREAMING]
KYLE: What the fuck?
[WOMAN SCREAMING]
What is it? What?
Fuck. It fucking stings, man, that's not cool.
Fucking asshole, man. I'm trying to get fucking laid.
This is a fucking brand-new shirt, prick. Come here, come here.
Come here. Give me the fucking knife.
What the fuck?
-Come back here. JON: Oh, down he goes.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, I gotta go.
I have to go check on my sister.
LISA: Your sister? -Sorry.
So you go that way, huh? I can do that.
-Sorry, I gotta go. -Wait. Don't leave.
-I gotta go. -Don't leave.
-Come on. -Don't. Stay.
-Sorry. -Come.
Feel better?
-Much. -Yeah?
I'm sure she's fine, she's with Shane.
You know, Shane's a good guy.
lf I were you, I'd be happy that he's into your sister.
Hey, get off the bike.
-What? Chris. -What's up, buddy?
-Get off the bike -Is there a problem?
No, dude, this is between me and my sister, man. Thank you.
She can handle herself, man. Believe me.
NICOLE: Chris. MAN: Oh, hell, no.
NICOLE: Chris. -Jon.
ERIK: Take it easy. -Let him go.
-Calm down. NICOLE: Get off of me.
-Overprotective much? -She's my family, asshole.
JON: Cool it, bitch. Settle down.
-Let him go. JON: What?
Let him go.
Stay the hell away from my sister.
Don't.
JON: Stay the hell out of Malibu, Lebowski.
KYLE: Stop walking like a fag.
CHRIS: I knew we shouldn't have gone to that party.
I asked you, like, to do two things, and you completely ignore me.
Do not hang out with some dude you don't know...
...and don't go up to his room to party with the guy.
-Okay, Chris. I get it. -What is that?
Stop it.
-Should have told me where you were-- -That's enough, stop it.
Stop trying to be my dad.
Oh, my God.
Chris, something is seriously wrong with me right now.
Nothing's wrong with you, you're just drunk.
NICOLE: Chris, I am not drunk.
Something is seriously the matter with me.
Okay, just hang on a little bit, all right? We're almost home.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God, I'm gonna--
[VOMITS]
NICOLE: My stomach.
CHRIS: Look, all right, we're almost there.
I'm telling you, there is something seriously the matter.
You're fine. You just need a glass of water and some Advil.
All right, you're just drunk.
NICOLE [IN DEMONIC VOICE]: I am not drunk.
-Nicole. Nicole. -I'm sick.
Chris Emerson? I'm Edgar Frog.
Surfboard shaper and vampire hunter.
What?
-Hey, get-- -What are you doing?
You don't know what you're doing. I'm trying to save you, your sister's infected.
-What are you talking about? -She's one of the undead.
Get--
Get out of my house.
It's your funeral, pal.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
CHRIS: I told you to get the hell out of here, man.
LISA: Hi.
We didn't get to finish what we started.
Yeah.
Well, aren't you gonna invite me in?
Now's not the best time.
Yeah.
Okay. Come on in.
You know what? I'm sorry, I'm not--
-I can't do this with my sister back there. -Let me see if I can change your mind.
Yeah?
You taste good.
Oh, hey.
Lisa, get off. Stop.
Lisa, stop it.
Seriously, get-- What's the matter with you?
Stop. Seriously, stop.
[LISA GROWLING]
Get off me.
Lisa, get off.
Lisa?
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
What the fuck?
Hey, man. Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey. Whoa.
Whoa.
Let's get something straight. I let you get away with that shit...
...because I understand what it's like to lose a family member to the other side.
lf it happens again, you're gonna end up on the wrong side of the stake, are we clear?
-Mm-hm. -Good.
It's cool, man. Look, I just--
I don't understand what's going on, all right?
You said my sister was infected?
Your sister's become a member of the undead.
A night stalker. A bloodsucker.
Nosferatu.
Your sister's a suck monkey.
Dude, that's-- That's ridiculous, man.
Ridiculous? Then what are you doing here?
Look, some crazy shit happened at my place after you left.
Define "crazy shit."
Well, this-- This chick came into my house and--
And she sprouted fangs and then she turned into stone and exploded.
Now, that's just ridiculous.
Vampires don't just turn into stone and then explode.
They have to be pierced through the heart with a sharp object.
You know, I guess the antlers could have done that.
I thought it had to be a wooden stake or something.
EDGAR: That's a myth. Any sharp object will do.
As a matter of fact, it doesn't have to be sharp.
It can be a blunt object, as long as it pierces the heart.
You said my sister was one of them?
-But how would that happen? -One of two ways:
Either A, she was bit...
...or B, she drank the blood of the head vampire.
How do you know so much about vampires?
EDGAR: Comic books, my friend, comic books.
I ask you for answers and you give me comic books?
A lot of valuable information can be gained by reading comic books.
For example...
...see here?
This poor sap's drinking the blood of the head vampire.
They like to trick people by putting it into wine bottles.
Dude, what are you drinking, man?
Frog Juice.
Garlic, holy water and raw eggs.
Okay, so what you're saying is, based on a comic book...
...my sister drank blood and now she's a vampire.
Half. She's only half vampire.
She won't make the transition to full bloodsucker until she makes her first kill.
-Great. -That is great, actually.
Because it means you still have time to save her mortal soul.
All you have to do is kill the head vampire before she feeds.
Hello?
NICOLE: It's open.
EVAN: Hi.
I brought wine.
I love wine.
To be honest, I really didn't think you dug me all that much.
-Why would you think that? -Just a vibe I got, I guess.
NICOLE: What vibe are you getting now?
EVAN: A really good one.
[GROWLS]
CHRIS: Nicole. EVAN: Oh, shit.
Did--? Did you do it?
-Get the hell out of here. -We didn't do anything, man.
Dude, I didn't know you guys were born-again Christians or whatever.
Man, I'm not using your sister.
CHRIS: Yeah, good to know. Thank you. -I really like her.
CHRIS: This is basically one of those, like, good news/bad news scenario things.
What do you want first?
Oh, shit. Okay, the bad news.
Okay, the bad news is that the wine that Shane gave you the other night...
...wasn't wine, all right, it was blood.
Shane's blood.
Right.
Okay, Chris, I know you don't like the guy, but, like, that's disgusting.
No, and by drinking his blood, you've been turned into a vampire.
Right, I'm a vampire, Chris. Great.
Stop being such an asshole, I'm not a freaking vampire.
I'm not being an asshole, Nicole.
I know it sounds ridiculous, but take a look.
See anything missing?
You.
No. Vampire. You weren't gonna make out with that kid...
...you were gonna eat him.
You had fangs and crazy eyes, I saw it all.
Okay, the good news better be really fucking good.
No, the good news is great news, okay?
See, right now you're only, like, half of a vampire.
Which means you can be turned back human.
As long as Eddie and I kill the head vampire before you feed.
-So just don't eat anyone. -What? Who's Eddie?
Eddie Frog, he's a vampire slayer.
-I thought he was a surfboard shaper. -Well, that too.
Right. Okay.
Let me just get this straight then. So you've teamed up...
...with a surfboard-shaper-slash-vampire-hunter...
...so you can kill this guy who I'm totally crushing on...
...so you can save me from eternal damnation?
-Is that pretty much it? -Yeah, that's pretty much it.
[BOTH SCREAMING]
-No. Calm down, calm down. -No, Chris, I'm not gonna calm down.
-No. -What's wrong with you?
I tried to eat that guy, do you realize that?
Do you know what it's like for me to want to drink blood?
Do you know how disgusting that is? I'm a vegetarian.
[YELLS]
[KYLE CACKLING]
KYLE: Is he behind Door Number 1?
Door Number 2?
Or Door Number...
...3?
[GRUNTING]
[WHISTLING "IN THE HALL OF THE MOUNTAIN KING"]
[EVAN SCREAMING]
EDGAR: We're screwed.
There's just too many places where the nest could be.
Look, I already told you, Shane's the head vampire.
We went to party at his house a couple nights ago.
It's gotta be the nest.
There's no way that any self-respecting vampire...
...would ever live in a place like that.
I mean, they may use it as a lure or a place to feed...
...but they'd never sleep there.
Vampires...
...always look for a place with a history of human suffering.
Deep, dark, dank places.
Places that never see the light of day.
Places with lots of vermin.
Places that smell of rot and earth...
...and decay.
Nicole.
Hurry.
There's no way we can find out where the nest is...
...without you being in their inner circle.
Well, then that's what I'll do.
I'll get back in with them.
-I'm gonna become one of them. -Don't be stupid, all right?
They can read your thoughts before you have them.
Come on, man. She's family, asshole.
You hit a soft spot there.
I know what it's like to lose a sibling.
lf you're gonna do this, then you have to do it all the way.
I mean, you have to be seduced by it.
You have to succumb to it.
You have to take it all the way to the brink of becoming a full vampire.
And then you have to betray them at the last possible moment.
Do you think you can really handle that?
It's the only way, Eddie.
Edgar.
Sorry, Edgar.
You know I'm right.
It's a dangerous game.
And it's one that you're likely to lose.
So just know...
...if you forget your place...
...and you become one of them...
...I'll be coming for you.
This shit's cool.
ERIK: Yo, Kyle, stop playing with yourself, man, the game gonna start.
KYLE: Fucking cheater. ERIK: You know what?
-I been calling you, brethren. KYLE: You haven't been calling me.
ERIK: Shut up.
Always with your crying.
-Dude, quit it. Fucking cheater. -Listen, don't start crying.
Check it out. Check it out.
Tape them.
-Tape them, man. -Skin out.
KYLE: So nice. ERIK: Backside.
[ERIK SCREAMS]
[KYLE LAUGHING]
KYLE: Yeah, bitch. ERIK: Holy fuck.
-What the fuck is your problem? -Motherfucker.
ERIK: You're a dead man. -Yeah, fucking blow me, buddy. Again.
-Who's the cheater now? -Fucking white people.
Pull this out. I ain't playing.
-You're gonna be all over the fucking Net. -Stop. Fuck off.
Dude, you're fucking squirting everywhere.
-You're a squirter. -Shane.
What about my brother?
I don't wanna lose him.
You won't.
Trust me.
MAN: Full name?
CHRIS: Uh, Nicole.
Em--
Emerson.
All right, we'll call you.
That's it? Just gonna type her name onto a computer...
...and hope someone turns her in like a dog pound?
-Isn’t that kind of passive? -Son, we have a system.
Officer, there's gotta be something you can do--
-Sheriff. -Sheriff, I'm sorry.
I'm really worried about her.
McGRAW: We have a lot of missing persons around here.
I know. I mean, what if they're not missing, you know?
It could be something else.
Son, hit the road. We have a system.
[PHONE RINGING]
Luna Bay. Sheriff McGraw.
Really? How big?
Yeah, last week I caught about a 25-pounder.
[JON WHISTLING "IN THE HALL OF THE MOUNTAIN KING"]
JON: Not very helpful, huh?
Yeah, I was gonna ask them if they could help us find Lisa.
Haven't seen her in a couple of days.
Hey, didn't I see you with her last?
Where's my sister, man?
Oh, yeah, your sister.
Man, I saw her like an hour ago.
She looked like she was having a really good time.
Where the hell is my sister, man?
Oh, hey, hey. Relax, little man, okay?
Trust me when I tell you this is, right here, a time that you wanna keep your cool...
...if you ever wanna see Nicole again.
What do you want?
It's not what I want, bro...
...it's what Shane wants.
Get in the car.
[JON WHISTLING "IN THE HALL OF THE MOUNTAIN KING"]
[HOWLS]
How's it, ladies?
Mr. Vampire Slayer, how you doing?
CHRIS: You okay?
I'm good.
I'm really good.
Sorry about last night, man.
You were protecting your sister.
I get it.
But I'd never do anything to hurt her.
In fact, once you understand it a little more, you'll see I've given Nicole a gift.
Do you know how much the fear of death has limited you, Chris?
The negative impact it's had on your life?
You're probably not even aware of it.
And I'm not just talking about the fear of your own death, no.
Look at what the fear of losing your loved ones has done to you.
You've been so worried about losing Nicole...
...that it's made you paranoid and overprotective.
I can take that fear away.
I can make you part of a real family, Chris.
One that never dies.
Kyle's human family wrote him off a long time ago.
They thought he was suicidal.
But I saw him for what he truly was...
...an adrenaline junkie.
Erik, well, the less we say about his past, the better.
We wouldn't wanna make you an accessory after the fact, now would we?
And Jonny boy, well...
...after you shattered his knee, he was never supposed to surf again.
Look at him now.
Stronger than ever, bro.
But for you to truly understand what we are, Chris...
...you have to see the world the way we do.
You and your sister...
...will never grow old...
...you'll never die and you'll never know fear again.
But you have to take that first step.
And what's that?
It's a little something me and the boys came up with.
[YELLING]
Warriors.
-What the--? -Come out to play.
Let's go.
Oh, shit.
Now! Now!
JON: Yo, hold up.
SHANE: Let him out, Kyle.
How do you like that, bitch?
Go, go.
SHANE: Jump it, Chris.
JON: Fuck you!
-Fuck you. -Yeah.
Fuck you!
[YELLING]
KYLE: How do you like that?
Hey, on top of the world, Ma.
ERIK: Hold on, brother.
It's a private club and you're not a member.
SHANE: Not yet, anyway.
Well, what if I say yes?
Think long and hard about it, Chris.
Once you join the tribe, there's no turning back.
[AIRBOURNE'S "TOO MUCH, TOO YOUNG, TOO FAST" PLAYS ON CAR STEREO]
[MUSIC STOPS]
JILLIAN: Your check bounced.
No, it's-- I transferred some money from one account to the other, so--
Save the bull for your buddies. I'm gonna need a new security deposit immediately.
It's gonna need to be in the form of a cashier's check or a money order.
Maybe this is my fault. Maybe I gave the wrong impression.
Come on, it's not that big of a deal. Just wait two days.
Just let me finish. Could you please take your sunglasses off?
I can't talk to you unless I can see your eyes.
Look, I didn't want you guys to feel like I was trying to step in...
...and act like your parents, but that doesn't mean you can go crazy here.
I saw your sister had a guy over last night. How old is she?
-She's almost, like, 18. -That means she's 17 years old.
And you coming and going at all hours of the day and night....
You know, I have a reputation to think of, I--
I realize I am not your mother, but--
But you-- Doesn't mean you can behave like this on my property.
All right, I'm sorry.
Yeah, me too.
Partying all night, sleeping all day.
You both need to quit acting like a couple of vampires.
This is ridiculous.
SHANE: You and your sister...
...will never grow old...
...you'll never die and you'll never know fear again.
[CAR HORN HONKING]
JON: You're sharking it, man, you're sharking it.
KYLE: Who wants some?
JON: Now you ask?
-Where we headed? SHANE: Devil's Reef.
I hear it's firing right now.
-We're paddling out tonight? -Yeah, why not?
CHRIS: There's no moon, bet we're not gonna see anything.
[VAMPIRES LAUGHING]
What, you guys have night vision or something?
ERIK: What kind of night vision you chatting about, boy?
-Can't you turn yourselves into bats? -Way too many movies, bro.
Yeah, we don't have night vision, Chris.
Bats, they don't actually have night vision either, they have sonar.
SHANE: You know what? You're half right.
Like I told you before, we do see things differently.
Kind of like you're about to.
After you have a little taste of this.
[VAMPIRES YELL]
[BANGING]
ERIK: Bye, boy.
-You haven't seen anything yet, Chris. ERIK: No, you ain't. You're not done yet.
Wait till you see the girls we got waiting for us at the reef, bro.
It's gonna be crazy, bro.
Crazy.
[PEOPLE LAUGHING]
All right, my turn.
ERIK: Did you ever hear of getting your own thing?
KYLE: Did you ever hear of shutting the hell up?
ERIK: You mind yourself, boy. Mister, ease off.
All right, enough.
[KYLE CHEERING]
What? What, what?
KYLE: Camera, please.
All right, girls.
Show me something that I can't find on YouTube.
WOMAN 1: That's you.
Nice. Go, go, go.
KYLE: What's that? That's what I'm talking about.
What about you, sweet thing?
-You gonna let her step you up like that? WOMAN 2: No.
WOMAN 3: What has she got? -What do you got for me?
KYLE: Oh, shit.
Oh, yes. That's sexy, but still that's something I could see...
...on my Girls Gone Wild box set, so...
...I dare you guys to kiss.
-Double dare? KYLE: Double dare.
KYLE: Oh, fuck, are you seeing this? Seriously, watch.
I think so.
SHANE: Guys? JON: Oh, hey.
-We're out of here. -Where are you going?
Back to our place...
-...for a drink. -I'll come with you.
SHANE: No, hang back, Chris, there's plenty for you to do here.
Besides, this is Nicole's time.
KYLE: Just have a seat, man.
JON: Attaboy.
So check this out.
Do you know that salt water and blood are basically the same thing?
It's true.
There's a French biologist that did this experiment on a stray dog...
...around the turn of the century.
He drained all the blood out of the dog and replaced it with diluted seawater...
...and everybody thought that this dog was gonna die.
Except the dog didn't.
What they found is that all the missing blood had regenerated.
The saltwater became blood.
And after that, the dog was more alive and vibrant than it ever had been before.
The dog went on to live a long and very healthy life.
To long life, Chris.
Let me try some of that.
JON: I don't really think you'd find it too much to your liking.
You might wanna just stick with the beer.
So what exactly was the point of your very long and boring story, Jon?
KYLE: Basically, what he's trying to say is...
...we're vampires.
[WOMEN LAUGH]
-Ooh. Scary. -No, but seriously...
[IN DEMONIC VOICE] ...we're vampires.
[WOMEN SCREAMING]
Help me!
No, no, no.
WOMAN: No, please.
Let me go.
Shut the fuck up.
[SCREAMING]
CHRIS: No, no, no.
I'm thinking I love this girl. Oh, fuck, I love this girl.
Do it.
Do it!
Run. Go.
Come on.
You're fucked up, bro.
Shane's not around to save your ass and I've had it with your attitude.
Guess you think I'm kidding you, bud...
...but it ain't so.
Where's Shane now, bi--? Fuck.
You ain't got no fucking stick now, do you?
Come on, let's finish this.
EDGAR: Hey!
Who ordered the stake?
Are you cool?
Yeah, I'm cool.
I said, are you cool?
Show me your teeth.
I said I'm cool.
And I said, show me your teeth.
I am cool.
Yeah, I can see that.
We don't have time for this shit, Eddie.
We have to get to the nest and get my sister before she feeds.
That's what I'm talking about.
I hate fucking vampires.
[EDGAR SPEAKING IN LATIN]
What are you doing, man?
Turning this into holy water.
-I'm a minister. -You're a minister?
Yup. I got ordained online.
I'm officially recognized by the International Association of Online Ministers...
...as the Honorable Reverend Edgar Frog, the vampire hunter.
Did you study for that?
No. I went to the website, filled out a couple forms...
...and clicked "Ordain Me."
Now, before going into battle, there's a few things that you need to be briefed on.
First of all, when a vampire buys it, it's never a pretty sight.
No two bloodsuckers go out the same way.
Some yell and scream, some go quietly, some explode, some implode...
...but all will try to take you with them.
As far as your arsenal of vamp artillery:
We got stakes.
Got some wooden ones, got some metal ones...
...and some carbon-fibers.
I like the resins, they're light and easy to handle.
That said, there's nothing as good as the old-fashioned, classic wood job.
Safe, sturdy, reliable.
Next, we have my air-propelled-rocket grenade launcher for holy-water balloons.
This is my baby, don't touch it.
We also have one of these.
-You know how to use this, right? -Yeah, totally.
-Okay, good. -No, dude, I have no idea what that is.
It's a garlic bolo.
Never mind, I'll hold on to this one.
Let's go kill some vampires.
They know we're here.
SHANE: Are you ready?
NICOLE: I guess so. SHANE: You guess so?
NICOLE: I know so.
[MUFFLED SPEECH]
Help me.
You smell that?
Smells like fungus or death.
It's vampire BO.
What?
-What the hell are you talking about? -Just follow me.
Nicole, help me.
Evan.
I can't.
You said you were ready.
But I know him.
Well, he's the only thing that still stands between us, Nicole.
The only thing that stands between you and immortality.
lf you wanna be with me...
...if you love me...
...you'll do this.
[CHRIS SCREAMS]
Quiet, man, you'll wake the dead.
Chris.
Shit.
What part of "stay together" don't you understand?
I smell ugly.
[KYLE HOOTING]
EDGAR: Chris.
Come on, Chris.
KYLE: Chris isn't here, Eddie...
...but your brother is.
Where are you?
Yup, it's ugly.
Missed.
Pop goes the weasel.
NICOLE: Chris.
Stay forever.
Live forever.
Stay with family.
Chris.
SHANE: Chris.
Welcome.
[SCREAMS]
[GRUNTING]
Chris.
I've been waiting to meet someone like you for quite some time, Chris.
Someone that would push the boundaries, someone that would challenge me.
-I saw that in you. NICOLE: Chris.
I don't wanna lose my brother.
Come on, taking in someone's essence...
...consuming living human blood...
...that's the real rush.
NICOLE: No!
Shane!
No. Shane. Stop.
You're killing him. Shane!
No!
SHANE: Nicole.
Why?
He's family, asshole.
Shane.
Shane, stop.
[SCREAMING]
SHANE: Nicole.
EDGAR: Build a man a fire...
...and he's warm for a day.
Light a man on fire...
...and he's warm for the rest of his life.
You'll be getting a bill for my services.
-Thanks, Eddie. -Hey, it's what I do.
And it's Edgar.
Hey, is it--?
Is it cool if I call you sometime?
Uh....
Okay.
Yes!
Whoo-hoo!
This is completely unacceptable.
I know exactly what you've been up to.
I am telling you, it has to stop right now.
I will not stand by and watch two young people that I care about...
...fall into this trap, you hear me?
So if I so much as see one seed...
...or catch one whiff of reefer--
And believe me, I know what it smells like.
--I'm calling the cops.
No warning. We are talking zero tolerance, you got that?
End of discussion.
EDGAR: Cut the theatrics.
I know you're out there.
Show yourself.
That's a good way to get yourself staked, Sam.
MAN: Easy there, compadre.
After all the shit that you pulled?
I think you can at least hear me out. I mean, I feel like you owe me that.
You really expect me to act like nothing ever happened?
MAN: No, I've already forgiven you.
It's water under the bridge.
EDGAR: Stay there.
-You don't want it to go down like this. -Oh, it's going down like this.
I'm warning you.
Hey, I'm trembling.
[BOTH YELL]
[ENGLISH SDH]