I believe in America.
I believe we are the best.
I believe we're number one.
And I won't apologize for that.
My husband and I are survivors.
We fought tooth and nail to get to where we are today.
How? The old-fashioned way:
hard work and a can-do attitude.
And here in the great state of Iowa no less,
where all great battles begin.
My name is Laura Dean Pickler
and this is the cutthroat story
of greed, blackmail, sex and butter.
Bob? Bob Pickler?
Bob Pickler, where are ya?
Ah, there you are. Stand up for us, please.
That's us. The Picklers. Bob and Laura.
We were the royal family of butter carving.
Oh, sure, laugh. But did you know more people
saw the butter sculptures of the Iowa State Fair last year
than went to the Super Bowl? No, of course you didn't.
How could you, with the liberal media as biased as it is?
Would you dim the lights, please?
Sit down and watch this.
Oh, I come to the Iowa State Fair every year and that's mainly because of Bob.
Born into poverty in Battle Creek, Iowa in 1968,
Bob Pickler found solace in his best friend,
a young calf named Suki.
But tragedy arrived when Bob was just eight years old.
Suki was struck dead by lightning.
Distraught, Bob carved a likeness of his beloved Suki
with the only thing the Picklers had in the icebox... a block of butter.
Even though his mother destroyed young Bob's first sculpture,
Bob was bit by the butter-carving bug.
He first entered the Mastery in Butter competition
15 years ago, his lovely wife Laura
encouraging him every step of the way.
With a controversial, yet staggeringly elegant piece
titled "Newt Gingrich on Horse."
Hey, hon. What do you think?
Look at Newt.
Oh, it's great. How do you like my haircut?
I'd better like it. It cost me 15 bucks.
I'm worth it.
Get over here. Aww!
Thus began his unprecedented winning streak
that included the world-famous "T-Rex Eating Girl."
- Well, back in '94... - It was '95.
- Well, '94... - It was '95.
OK. We'll call it '95. '94, actually, but...
Bob comes out and reveals his piece. "Schindler's List."
"Schindler's List!"
- Here we go. - Sorry.
It just made me cry.
And we're not even Jewish.
But no one could imagine the showstopper
the boy from Battle Creek would pull out this year.
A life-size replica of "The Last Supper"
that the Des Moines Register called "better than the original."
I really think Bob and I could parlay this fame
we have from butter into politics.
I mean, don't be surprised if you see us in the Governor's mansion,
or the White House.
This is just the beginning.
Bob Pickler, ladies and gentlemen!
Fifteen wonderful years!
Butter was my world...
...until it all came crashing down.
If you can believe it, the first time I saw Mrs. Pickler
I actually wished she and Mr. Pickler would take me in.
You know, of course the awards are wonderful.
But what is most satisfying to me, and to Bob,
is the attention we bring to our charity, Camp Butter.
- Yes. - Where we help children with special needs.
The foster people had just put me with a bunch of families
and anyone had to be better than them.
First was the Moores.
They were home-schoolers, which always spells trouble.
And then God cast down the angels
and they fell to earth,
which is where dinosaur bones come from.
Next came Mrs. Carmichael. She was on pills.
Just tell the doctor you've been anxious lately and you need Klonopin.
OK. Klonopin.
You're gonna be such a great daughter.
- I liked her. - Stupid child-proof cap.
She was always so calm.
Here, you try.
Too calm to run from the police, I guess.
They're not mine!
So after that came the Gundersons.
They were old.
The red button is for the ambulance.
Tell her about the red button.
So you can understand why I wasn't on to Mrs. Pickler's bull sooner.
Plus, I was only ten at the time.
Now that I'm 11, I know the truth.
White people are weirdos.
Did they find my mom yet?
Come on, sweetheart. It's late.
Your room's still empty.
Thank you.
"Pickin' Up The Pieces"
Excuse me.
Wow!
Laura Dean Pickler!
- Hi, Carol Ann Stevenson. - Hey, Carol Ann.
Look at you, you look just amazing.
It's brave of you to wear stirrup pants with your body type.
Thank you. My pants keep riding up
and I need to pull them down with my feet.
They're hard to find,
Ill say that, but I found 'em.
Hey there.
Can I have a look at that?
Wow.
You're good.
Really good.
A real natural.
You're a quiet one, aren't ya?
That's OK. So was John Wayne, so...
Can I borrow this?
Bob makes butter carving look so easy.
I even think I could do it sometimes.
Then I'm like, "Wake up, Carol Ann! You're in a dream!"
That summer, they put me with Miss Jill and Mr. Ethan.
They were the whitest people I'd ever met.
I wasn't expecting to stay very long.
These people always get cold feet.
This will be your bedroom.
It's pink.
Yeah. I told her to go with green.
No, it's pretty.
- There's a TV? - Oh, yeah.
It's not HD though, so, sorry.
And no watching past eight.
Is that what we said, eight?
- No TV past nine. - Nine, right.
Eight, what is this, prison?
"Lights out!"
Um...
- Is there anything you need? - No. Thank you.
What do you like to do for fun? Do you have hobbies?
We can buy you some stuff, like books or a globe.
I'm not really that good at anything.
Oh... What? That's crazy. Everybody's good at something.
Not me. My last mom told me so.
Well, you don't have to worry about stuff like that anymore, OK?
- OK. - So if you need us, you know.
- We'll be out there. - Yeah. "Paging Mom and Dad."
- OK. OK. - All right.
One, two, three, Camp Butter!
I've always said that your people are the small flashlights
that help a dark world find its lost car keys.
- What? - Let's hear it for Camp Butter!
What can I do you for, Orval?
Look, the panel's been doing some talking,
and, uh... you've had a good run.
Well, 15 years.
You're a legend.
You're in Parade Magazine.
You're the Elvis of butter.
But we just kinda feel like it's time...
...you gave somebody else a shot.
Uh-huh.
We're prepared to offer you a spot at State.
Um... you could be a judge.
With me and Mary Alice and Carl Hudgens.
- Carl Hudgens is a good guy. - He's a great guy.
It's time to start giving back.
You know, like Oprah does.
Yeah, well, she's got that Angel Network.
I just have one sort of delicate question.
- Laura? - Laura.
You know, I really think that Bob
could be an excellent mayor.
or even, or even governor.
'Cause I know she's...
...she's very, uh... involved.
Oh, she's fine. She'll be fine.
Laura...
These fuckers have no idea who they're dealing with.
We're the motherfucking Picklers.
Clearly Orval wanted you out of the way.
I have always known what kind of man he was.
I never thought he'd go this far.
You know Orval is a good man.
He has had it out for us from day one, Bob.
I will call the governor.
That's what I'll do. I'll call the governor.
Or Jesus. I mean, don't you have his direct line?
My constitutional rights are being violated and I will call the governor.
The governor doesn't care, Laura.
What did you say?
The governor doesn't care.
Whose side are you on, Bob?
It's time to pass the baton, Laura.
I need to start giving back.
Like Oprah.
How dare you bring Oprah into this?
Kaitlen, sweetie.
Could you please provide your father and me with some privacy?
She can stay.
Cover your balls, Dad.
I see what happened here, Bob.
You didn't stand up for yourself, did you?
That's what happened here.
I think it'd show a real touch of class if we stepped down now.
I guess Dad was right when he warned me against marrying someone
whose biggest dream was to be the middle school principal.
- What's that supposed to mean? - It just means maybe I should've taken his advice
- and married Boyd Bolton. - Boyd Bolton?
At least he inherited a successful car dealership.
I am done.
I doubt Boyd would just give up Bolton Supercenter at the drop of a hat, Bob.
Laura, please.
You get back here, Bob.
If you won't stand up to them, then I will!
Fucking freaks.
I gotta ask you, you just turned down over a half a million dollars.
I told her not to pick 22.
Oh, shit! Tell her I'm not here.
What? Who? What's going on?
- Laura. Laura Pickler. - Oh, God. Here?
- Tell her I'm fishing. - At night?
Oh, God! Why is she here?
- Orval! - What if she gets inside?
- Orval! - Can you hear me?
I hear you!
- One is worth $200,000. - Yeah.
One case is worth one million.
Laura.
How nice to see you.
Where's Orval?
He's in the shower.
Maybe I can have him call you later.
I'll wait.
If you ask me, number 24 is too thin.
Oh, I see how it is.
He wants to play a game, does he?
Well, you tell Orval this isn't over.
That's what I'm talking about, baby!
# Only love makes you kill #
# Breaks your legs breaks your will #
# Pulls you up by the roots #
# Makes you fall down too #
# Harder #
# Deeper #
# Faster #
# Harder #
# Deeper #
# Faster #
# Harder #
# Deeper #
# Faster #
# Harder #
# Deeper #
# Faster #
How are they gonna do it without me?
Who's gonna throw the Butter Brunch, Helen?
Please.
And Camp Butter. It doesn't just organize itself.
And to think, I was just about to donate all my past gala gowns to the state fair museum.
Ohh.
I give so much.
You're the only man who cares about me.
That's not true. I'm sure there is plenty of men who like you.
Your father cares about you, right?
My father raped me.
Oh, my God!
I just... I need someone to take care of me.
Someone who understands me, someone to love me.
Not just someone to pay my rent
which, by the way, comes out to $560 a month plus utilities.
That's actually a really good deal.
But listen, Tokyo Rose...
- What? What? - Oh, my.
- What? - Tokyo Rose...
Brooke. My real name's Brooke.
Brooke.
I think I love you.
- Too soon? - No.
Here we go, um... Here, I wanna give you...
- Oh, no. - Yes.
Oh, I couldn't possibly accept this.
No.
Oh, that's a hundy.
You are such a good person.
Mmm.
You just give and give and give, and others
just take and take and take...
Oh, fuck!
But my strongest belief in life is that you should always take the high road.
What the fuck?!
She had tattoos, Bob.
How long has this been going on?
It's just the one time. Look.
Oh! Sweet Jesus!
You're not innocent in this whole thing, OK?
You're sleeping on the couch tonight.
I sleep on the couch every night.
If I were you... I'd get a good night's sleep.
Because County is in a month and we got a lot of work to do.
Laura, it's over. I'm not entering County. Orval and I agreed.
We gotta get the butter, we gotta sharpen the trowels.
We gotta check the cooling unit because the temperature thing's been all fucked up for ages.
- We gotta... - Listen to me. I'm not competing this year.
I know.
- I am. - What?
I'm competing.
I'll win County.
And after that I will bring back what is rightfully ours.
And you're gonna help me.
Good night.
There's Advil in the kitchen for your penis.
So I checked your schedule. You got Mr. Evans for History.
He's very, very old, so be patient.
I actually think he was around for most of the historical events that he covers.
Here we are.
You'll be fine.
I'll be in room 412 if you need me.
Just a short walk away.
- OK. - OK.
Go get 'em.
When you draw your tree,
I want you to rid your conscious mind
of any notion of what you think a tree should look like.
Here. You can use mine.
- I have two. - Thanks.
You know black people?
Yeah.
Well, I wanted you to know
I think they're real cool.
Thanks.
Destiny. I wanted to tell you how thrilled I am to have you in my class.
You're a very talented artist.
I'm not really that good.
We expect big things from you.
My new foster parents and everyone at my new school were so nice,
that I couldn't help but think, are these crackers for real?
You know how you guys asked if I needed anything a while back?
Mm-hmm. Shoot.
You don't have butter.
Thank you. I know. It's Jill.
Believe me, she means well. You know, she used to be worse.
She used to buy this fake meat called seitan.
- Like the devil? - Exactly like the devil.
- I'll get you some. Yeah. - Really?
OK. I'm gonna need like 200 pounds.
# It feels good to be home #
Honey.
Honey, just...
She's coming.
Here it comes.
Thank you.
- Beautiful chicken. - Thank you.
Well, Kaitlen, your father and I have some great news.
As you know the Mastery in Butter Committee has turned on your father
like Judas Iscariot himself.
The good news is that, instead of your father
I will be competing this year.
- I think we should be proud of your mother. - Stepmother.
And have you ever made a butter sculpture before?
You don't even eat dairy.
Oh, man, you are gonna suck so hard.
- Kaitlen. - I guess I expected outsiders to be skeptical,
but my own family?
I have stood by your father for the past 15 years.
Watching, learning, absorbing.
I was there when he turned 867 sticks of butter into First Lady Laura Bush.
I was there when, two days before State,
the cooler broke and his Iwo Jima just turned into a river of yellow.
And I am here now in his darkest hour of need
to lift him up and preserve our legacy.
Bird or door, Bob. Pick one. Let's go.
- Hey, boo! - You can't be here.
Oh, but you still owe me money, remember?
I never got the rest of the money.
That shit ain't free.
This isn't happening.
But you said you loved me, Bob.
That was a little early for me.
But we did it. I never do it with guys from the club, Bob.
Dad? Who's that?
Nobody.
Nobody?!
- Is she a hooker? - No, no.
- I like her boots. - Those are Army boots.
She's a recruiter.
Wait a minute. Is she your hooker?
- Because I totally understand if she is. - Kaitlen.
Go back to the table right now.
Nobody? Nobody?! Bob!
Brooke! Can't we do this over email?
Bob, I'm gonna shit on the hood of your car.
I see. You are definitely a passionate woman.
You have two minutes to get me that money or I swear to God.
I'm sorry, Brooke, I can't. I'm married.
You know what? Fuck you! You are just like my father.
- My wife controls the checkbook. - Your wife, Bob?
I can't believe you're gonna let your wife come between us.
- I thought you had morals. - OK.
You tell your wife to watch her back.
Will do. Thanks.
Fuck you, Bob!
No, thank you. We have plenty of steak knives.
You owe me, Bob.
You owe me big.
Can I come in?
Sure.
- So how was your first day? - Good.
Ethan said you were interested in doing that butter contest thing?
Yeah.
Are you sure?
It's kind of redneck-y.
I don't mind.
Looks like you've been practicing.
Who's that?
That's my real dad. And this is my mom.
And this must be you.
Don't you look all happy.
No. That's my sister.
So where are you?
Well, I'm here.
Don't worry. My real mom will come get me soon.
OK.
Time for bed.
- Hey, is she good? - She's fine.
Great.
The Secret is within you.
The more you use the power within you,
the more you will draw it to you.
You will reach a point where you won't need to practice anymore,
because you will be the power, you will be the perfection,
- you will be the wisdom... - Be the wisdom.
...you will be the intelligence, you will be the love...
- ...you will be the joy. - Be the joy.
Be the joy.
Oh, God what am I doing here? I can't do this.
I'm not an artist. I don't have any experience.
I just screwed up The Secret by even thinking that.
Just shut up, Laura. Pull it together, you stupid slut.
Don't call yourself a slut. Oh, God.
OK.
I will win.
Laura, I thought Bob was judging State this year.
He is. I'm signing up for myself.
Are you sure?
You have big shoes to fill, following your husband like that.
Well, don't worry, I'm not a feminist or anything like that.
I just worry about what would happen if this title
and all the power that goes with it ends up
in the hands of someone other than a Pickler.
I mean, we all know what happened with the Miss America Pageant
and Vanessa Williams.
Well, I guess I see your point.
I see I'm the only name here in Johnson County. What time do we wrap this up?
Official rules state we need to be here until noon.
I'll wait.
Good.
Do you want me to go in with you?
Don't tell Jill,
because she always likes me to think positive.
but what I like to do is this.
I imagine all the bad things
that could possibly happen if you enter this contest.
Like you could die of a tragic butter overdose.
There could be a rabid grizzly bear hiding inside this very moose lodge,
waiting to tear your face off.
There could be a python inside.
What if this place is full of monkeys with a deadly virus?
There could be the ghost of Hitler.
What if there's no gravity in there? And you float up
and bang your head on the ceiling. And then all of a sudden,
gravity kicks in and then you bang your head on the floor?
- There could be a black hole and it'd suck me all up. - Yes.
What if this place is full of good-looking British vampires?
- The worst of all of them. - They're so pale.
- Or hungry cannibals. - It could happen.
Or there could be a mass murderer who only kills adorable little girls.
- Think about it. - Or racist ninjas.
Or racist ninjas, yes. High five.
That was a good one.
So think about all that
and ask yourself, really,
what's the worst thing that could happen?
I could be terrible and lose.
Yeah.
Yeah, could you live with that?
I guess so.
OK then. So it's not such a big deal, is it?
Go make us proud.
Bring me back some butter.
Adorable.
What is this place?
Laura?
Oh, my God!
Are you entering, too?
Oh, my God!
We have to get coolers right next to each other!
It'll be just like camp!
How fun.
I'm really nervous.
I mean, what am I doing, right? But I just said to myself,
"Carol Ann, you've been sitting in the audience for too long.
Now's your time to get up on that stage and sing!"
I'm so glad you're here.
We're gonna be just like sisters.
Oh, no offense.
I'd like to sign up, please.
Oh, isn't that just precious.
So, that's that.
Looks like it'll be the three of us.
Is someone smoking?
Fuck this bullshit.
Hey.
Can I help you?
Yeah.
I want to... sign up.
For the Johnson County Mastery in Butter Sculpture Competition?
Oh, man.
Yeah. That. I want to sign up for that.
I'm gonna cut you.
Have you worked with butter before?
Oh, I've worked with it all.
- I object. - Uh...
You know, she is here on time
and the rules do state that anyone can enter.
Look at what she's wearing.
This will go over very badly with the Red Ribbon people.
Well, I don't see anything in here about that. I really...
Ah!
Your husband still owes me another $600.
Interesting. Did he buy 600 blowjobs on credit?
Look, lady, you came in between me and my man.
Sh! We're in a Moose Lodge.
Bob is my husband.
We have built a life together.
Once Kaitlen leaves, I plan on proudly bearing his children.
So? You want a cookie 'cause you're gonna get pregnant?
I get pregnant like once a month.
Do you honestly think you're anything more
than a cheap lay to him? He'll get bored.
After that he'll come right back where he belongs,
to my house.
Listen...
Would you prefer it if I didn't enter
this whole butter contest thing?
Absolutely.
Excellent.
It's on, cunt.
I haven't heard that word since my dad died.
Heavens! Look at that.
- Voila. - Cool.
Jesus, Laura.
Hi!
Incredible.
This is weird.
Sh, sh, sh.
Honey.
This is great.
- What's that? - I don't know.
- Hi, Carol Ann. - I'm sorry to bother you.
I know you're busy creating in here and...
Wow, Laura!
Talent does run in the Pickler family. Wow.
- Well... - Mine? I don't know.
I mean, you know, I thought it would work out, but...
...golly, Laura, this is really hard.
But my grandma used to say, "You can't polish a..."
How's the girl's look?
- What? - What's her name?
Destiny?
Amazing, isn't it?
I think that might be Harriet Tubman.
Oh.
Well, she obviously decided
to play the race card. I mean, it figures.
Whatever you lack in talent, you gotta find some way to...
I gotta go.
"Little Secrets"
# Let this be our little secret #
# No one needs to know we're feeling #
# Higher and higher and higher Higher and higher and higher #
# But I feel alive Oh, I feel it in me #
# Up and up we keep on climbing #
# Higher and higher and higher... #
Oh.
OK, contestants.
Five, four...
...three, two...
...one.
Trowels down!
Ladies and gentlemen.
welcome to the Johnson County Finals
for the State Mastery in Butter Competition.
I would like to introduce our esteemed panel of judges.
Betsy Lou Holt, our reigning Miss Dairy.
Mayor of Iowa City, Bill Olberweis.
And finally, State Head Judge Orval Flanagan's wife,
Mrs. Helen Flanagan.
Now, we're going to let each contestant say a few words about their work
before the judges begin deliberating.
Carol Ann Stevenson?
That's mine.
I just really love kittens.
Especially when they get tangled up in a blanket,
but I didn't know how to carve that, so I just put them in a basket.
I hope that's OK.
Thank you!
Thank you, Carol Ann. Uh, Brooke?
Many of you know that I am a former stripper...
...often taking my job a step further
and engaging in sexual acts for money.
I went from man to man to man,
always looking, always searching.
Then one day,
after I was nearly beaten to death by a customer...
...I stumbled into another house.
A big welcoming house.
And met another man.
And that man was Jesus Christ.
I present to you, "The Scarlet Letter."
For those of you who don't know, it's a movie starring Demi Moore.
Thank you and God bless you.
Butter saves!
- Thank you, Brooke... - Six hundred dollars.
- I don't have it. - ...for the inspiration.
Um, OK. Destiny?
Hi. My name is Destiny.
My last name is either Washington or Wilson.
The reason I'm not sure is because the State of Iowa isn't sure.
You see, I am, and have been, a foster child.
I've been shuttled from home to home.
While some of my experiences have been negative,
most of them have been overwhelmingly positive.
So why then, can a ten-year-old black girl
with no family, no money and no connections
stand before you today and believe that she can win this competition?
Why did the Pilgrims dare to cross
the vast, dark oceans to America?
Why did they risk it?
And why did a man named Abraham Lincoln
move from a log cabin to the... No, wait.
Move from a log house to the White House
and risk both houses to keep this great nation together?
The same reason a poor black woman risked life and limb,
partnering with white and black people alike
to bring my ancestors to freedom on the Underground Railroad.
Why?
Because she dared to dream.
And that's kinda what I'm doing here today.
Thank you very much.
How'd you do that?
Wow.
That's a hard act to follow.
Oh, um...
Last, but, uh, certainly not least, Laura Pickler!
Laura, come on up.
Family.
When... when I think about butter
I think about family.
Why?
Because like the thread of a grandmother's quilt,
butter is the centerpiece of a family dinner.
And family, in turn,
is the thread that holds our great country together.
Without butter, there is no family,
and without family, there is no...
This is really hard.
Just take your time, dear.
Um...
I'd like to remind you what this contest is about.
It is about "excellence in butter."
I have spent my life working hard,
trying to do the right thing.
Because I thought that's what this competition was about.
I just hope when you vote, you remember that.
Thank you. God bless America.
God bless you, Laura, God bless you.
Thank you, all four of you.
How'd I do?
You carved two more people than anyone else.
We now have coffee and donut holes in the back for everyone
while the judges deliberate.
Donut holes!
If I may have your attention.
We have a decision.
In fourth place, Carol Ann Stevenson.
Come on, come on!
Congrats, Carol Ann.
Uh, and in third place, Brooke Swinkowski.
What?!
Hey, I know you're only, like, ten and shit, but listen up.
You beat that skanky ass bitch.
You beat her hard. I've done all I can do. It's up to you now.
OK.
You're a good girl.
I don't think I want you hanging out with strippers, OK?
OK, if I may have your attention.
Um, will Laura Pickler
and Destiny please come up?
Representing Johnson County in the Iowa State Fair.
Mastery in Butter Competition this year will be...
...Destiny!
I guess it was wrong of me to say that all white people are weird.
That's not true at all.
Actually, white people are really awesome!
Screw that little Afro girl.
- Dad! - Kaitlen, your mother is upset.
What is it, African-Iowan? It's not my responsibility
to keep up with whatever it is they're calling themselves these days.
- What? - She knew she was good all along.
All along, she hustled us. She's a hustler.
What is your problem? It's just some stupid contest. God.
I cannot wait to get away from this stupid family.
Really?
Maybe I'll just be a stripper, like Dad's new friend.
Stupid Laura. You know what you should've said?
This is exactly why I stopped watching American Idol.
Because every year the best singer gets up there,
and every year she gets knocked down by some charity case
with a baby and a mug shot.
Well, I'm sorry that I was born white and tall and pretty.
And I'm sorry that I don't sit in front of the TV all day,
eating pork rinds and just soiling myself.
And I'm sorry that I haven't spent the last 15 years of my life
sucking every cock that flew in front of my face just to put on a cheap church dress
and claim to find God.
This is so messed up.
I hate my fucking life.
Language.
To Destiny!
- To Destiny! - To me!
# She tastes like midnight #
# She tastes like wine #
# She tastes like midnight #
# She tastes like wine #
# I'm gonna run my fingers #
# All down your spine #
# Just like a bad dream #
# Staying on my mind #
Boyd. Boyd Bolton.
Laura Pickler.
Boyd Bolton.
It's been a long time.
Bob wrecked our minivan.
Oh, yeah, I see that. Wow. What did he do?
He slammed into something he shouldn't have slammed into.
Well, if you want, we can...
...we can have it fixed for you right away.
That would be excellent.
- You look great, Laura. - Oh.
You look even better than you did in high school.
- No. - Yeah. Most women go the other way, but... Oh, my God.
- Have you had your boobs done? - They're just cutlets in a friendly bra.
Oh, my God.
- How's your wife? - Tammy?
- She's fine, I guess. - Great.
# Waiting by the mailbox by the train #
# Passing by the hills till I hear the name #
# I'm looking for a saw to cut the chains in half #
# And all I want is someone to rely on #
# As thunder comes a-rolling down #
# Someone to rely on as lightning comes #
# A-staring in again #
Ohh!
Brent and Tammy Knepp of Rancho Bernardo
were about to give up on swaddling their son.
Look at this shit.
It keeps babies from punching themselves.
And don't you think it's weird that babies can't sleep
without smacking themselves in the face?
I mean, think about how fucked up that is.
It's like you shouldn't be able to exist or something
if you can't sleep without your arms flailing around all over the place.
I mean, think about it. Is a baby better off dead or in the suburbs?
In the suburbs you are forced to live with some stupid family,
with stupid people that call you fat even when you are not fat at all.
and you're forced to deal with stupid guys like Rob Ackerman,
who don't call you back even when you give them a blowjob
in the back of their Honda.
God, I hate people!
I cannot wait until everyone just dies from global warming.
Right. Do you know where your dad keeps his money?
Why?
Does he owe you money?
Like for sex?
He just owes me money.
Your hair is so cool.
No one at my school has hair like that.
Thanks. So, the cash would probably in the...
I've never met anyone like you before.
You're so alternative.
...in a drawer or something like that, in the...?
Maybe.
Hey.
Do you want to play Truth or Dare?
Whoo!
Boyd! Oh!
How do you like that, Laura?
Oh, my God.
No, no, no, no, don't stop. Don't stop.
- I'm sorry, I can't do this. - No, no, no, I can get you the $600.
Actually, it's $1200.
OK. You are so beautiful.
You're everything that I've ever wanted to be.
And now you're right here in my arms.
- OK. - # Gonna spread you like butter #
# Baby on my bread #
# Don't want no other #
# Girl in my bed #
# Gonna spread you like butter #
# Baby on my bread #
# I don't want no other #
# Girl in my bed Gonna spread you like... #
Are you there, God? It's me, Boyd Bolton.
Oh, wait, there's probably a lot of Boyd Boltons.
Hmm.
OK, so just so you know, I'm the one that lives in Iowa City.
I don't think there's any other Boyd Boltons that live in Iowa City,
but if there is, I'm the one who runs Bolton Supercenter.
Yeah, anyway...
...I just wanted to take this moment to thank you
for sending Laura Pickler to fuck me.
I mean, I don't know what you guys are doing up there,
but her pussy is like even tighter than it was in high school.
It's... it's like she hasn't even used it in 20 years.
Anyway...
...I just wanted to say...
...thank you.
You're so cool, God.
Amen.
Hello?
Oh, hi, Nancy.
What?!
Well, what could possibly be the problem? She's ten years old.
Right, all right.
See you then. Good-bye.
I'm scared.
Why are you scared? You're amazing.
Really, it's them that should be scared.
No, I'm scared that you and Miss Jill won't want me anymore.
What?!
It's happened before.
They just leave me.
Did you know that Jill can't have kids?
Why?
Well, I mean, that's complicated.
It's...
- Is her vagina broken? - Yes.
Yep. That's it.
The adoption people would ask us over and over again...
"Are you sure you don't want a baby?
We can get you a baby.
You both have good jobs.
You have a nice house.
We can get you a baby."
But we made up this whole thing in our heads that, like,
we wanted an older child because they're always overlooked
and we'd be doing so much good for society and the world and everything.
But the truth is, we were afraid to have a baby.
Why?
I don't know.
It's OK to be scared, I guess.
Hey, you guys, they're ready for us now.
Destiny, um, come in.
What's going on?
This is Martin Caswell from Red Ribbon.
Julie, send in Mr. Bolton.
Oh.
Boyd, would you tell these people, please, what you told me? Exactly?
Oh, yeah.
On the evening of the 15th, Mr. Ethan approached me,
knowing I have superior skills in the art of sculpting butter.
And asked if I would help his daughter, Destiny,
with her sculpture...
...with her entry for the Johnson County Mastery in Butter contest.
I'm sorry, what?
I said no at first.
- But after he gave me $500... - You're kidding!
...I snuck in when no one was looking
and I... I carved her sculpture for her.
I can no longer live with this horrible blight...
...on, on, on, on, on...
...on my conscience.
This is crazy, OK?
I have never met this dude in my life, I swear to God.
Come on, you people saw her carve it with your own eyes.
I can't even believe I'm arguing this.
May I make a suggestion?
As it's clear that Destiny's win is in question, I...
Absolutely not.
Destiny won this on her own, fair and square.
I think the only fair solution would be to have a rematch.
Me versus Destiny.
At the State Fair.
Um, State is this weekend.
I mean, I can't possibly get the proper paperwork prepared in time.
I'm sure someone as smart as you can figure it out, Nancy.
But the coolers.
And then we'd have to haul all the butter in two days before
- so it'll set and... - Excellent. Great.
Well, now that Nancy has agreed to do her... her job
looks like we've got a rematch.
What's wrong with you people?
I can't believe you just let this two-bit trophy wife come in here...
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Now wait a second.
Hey, hey, hey.
- I know. - She's crazy.
This is the kind of thing that I just...
- Who are you? - I'll do it.
...from over here.
- I'll do it. - Destiny.
Eight-hour carve time, all out in the open,
officials present every minute.
No verbal contact with the audience.
No help.
And no speeches.
Just butter.
- Deal? - Deal.
Can you believe that bitch?
Jill.
Sorry. You know you can't say "bitch" right?
- I know. - Just her whole thing.
The hair, the dress, that grin.
Destiny, it's not too late to go back in there and tell them you don't wanna do this thing.
Are you kidding me? Destiny is gonna nail that witch. Aren't you, Destiny?
You better believe it.
All right.
Let's prep.
Laura.
Laura!
Obviously, I wish you had better reading skills, but all in all...
She's only ten!
Thank you for your help, Boyd.
What, that's it?
That's it?
Hey, hey, where are you going?
Come on, don't you remember us? We were Boyd and Laura.
- I give up. - Boyd.
Hey.
Imagine if we got an apartment together.
We could move to Des Moines.
You got the $1200 right?
Or maybe Chicago.
Can you imagine how humiliated my stepmom would be?
She'd probably like, explode.
I think you're late for practice.
I could be with you forever.
Yeah.
- About that. The money? - Oh.
I can't wait to see how this plays out.
Good luck.
Call me.
Yeah, definitely will.
I was only kidding about the moving in together stuff.
Move it, bitches!
Whoo!
- Hey, girl. - Hi.
Let's go for a ride. I got something to show you.
OK.
What'd you learn in school today?
Positive and negative numbers.
I have no idea what you're talking about.
See that store over there?
Mm-hm.
With this $1200 I could buy work clothes
like you have never seen.
Where do you work?
Barnes & Noble.
So I want you to look over there.
And I want you to see very clearly that I am willing to sacrifice $1200
worth of totally cute outfits so that you can have these knives.
And with these knives, you carve the best damn
butter sculpture this world has ever seen.
You must not fail, Destiny.
You can do this. You can take down Laura Pickler.
You kick her pasty, white ass so hard,
so that she and her stupid husband can never wreak havoc
on poor, innocent people like me ever again.
We cool?
Thank you.
Well, we don't know for sure, but nine times out of ten in these cases,
we suspect drugs and...
- Hey. - Hi, honey.
Hi, Destiny.
You know...
..I think it would be best if we had this discussion alone, just grownups.
Uh... No, no, she can stay.
OK.
- From what we can surmise, on the night of... - Um...
Destiny, your mother was a wonderful woman
who fell on hard times.
She was not capable of taking care of you,
but she loved you very much nonetheless.
We found this.
She's pretty.
Hi, Mom. It's me, Destiny. Your daughter.
We probably haven't seen each other since I was a baby.
I don't remember you at all.
But now that the lady gave me your picture, I wish I did.
I don't know what you were doing all these years,
but now that you've gone to heaven
I just want you to know I forgive you for leaving me.
I don't really understand it that much, but I still forgive you.
OK. Bye.
Motherfucker!
Hi, Bob.
Come on. Come on in, just standing there like Rain Man.
Hey.
Um... I don't think this is gonna work.
Laura, you're gonna need an armature for something that grand.
Then I'll build an armature.
I'm not afraid of hard work, Bob.
Not that it matters anymore anyway.
What do you mean?
Well, you saw what I did back there.
My sculpture was twice as good as your "Schindler's List" and you know it.
My cooler was 43 degrees, the eye-forehead-ratio was perfect.
Yeah. You had all that down.
I'm not gonna lie, I'm actually kinda surprised at how technically good you are.
- You think, Bob? - Yeah.
But you also need to inject some soul into it.
I'm just saying...
...not everyone can be an artist.
You don't think I can be an artist?
Look, I know what it is I'm dealing with here.
I am gonna have to give these so-called judges
the statement piece that they're looking for.
And when they see what I have planned for them, their jaws are gonna hit the floor.
And you are gonna be right there,
next to my cooler,
cheering me on as dutifully as I have you the last 15 years.
Good morning, folks. You're listening to
KQWK broadcasting live
from Des Moines at the Iowa State Fair.
It's 103 degrees out on the fairgrounds,
but even hotter in the Grand Hall
where crowds are squeezing in for the highly anticipated rematch.
Laura Pickler versus Destiny.
# Pump it up #
# Get out yo seats #
# Pump it up #
# You gotta move your feet #
# In the disco #
# I wanna see #
# I wanna see you celebrate #
# Celebrate, celebrate #
# And let yourself go #
# Fly away, fly away #
# Fly away and let your love go #
# Hello, good-bye #
# I'm gonna meet you on the other side #
# Oh, yeah All right #
# Go crazy #
# Celebrate #
Hi, how are you?
# Fly away and let your love go #
# Hello, good-bye #
# Gonna meet you on the other side #
# Oh, yeah All right #
# Go crazy #
# Are you livin' are you livin' Can't keep cool #
Five, four, three,
two, one!
Trowels down!
She's outdone herself.
- Oh, my! JFK! - Thank you all for coming.
Please come back tomorrow after church
when the judges will be viewing these two interesting pieces
for the very first time and will announce the winner
of the Johnson County Mastery in Butter competition again.
Dear God, it's me.
I just want you to know, Laura doesn't know about this.
So don't blame her. Oh, hang on, you already know that.
Man, you're awesome. Amen.
What the hell?
I'll see what's going on, OK?
Excuse me. What happened?
Um, we don't know.
But she's gonna get a chance to fix it, right?
Well, um, the judges have already begun deliberation.
And the rules indicate that no further adjustment can be made
once deliberation commences.
Come on, lady.
My name is Nancy and those are the rules.
You know what?
You people are ridiculous.
I mean, it's butter.
You put it on toast.
Right? The government gives it away for free.
Oh, oh, oh! And newsflash!
It's bad for you!
Yeah, I said it out loud.
It clogs your arteries and it makes you fat.
And you're all gonna die because of it!
What? Really?
The butter police? Wow!
We've got it. We've got it under control. We've got it.
Destiny, we'll be right back.
So now what?
I've lost, that's what.
I'd just like to say good luck.
You know, this is all I have.
You're still young and you have your whole life ahead of you
and you can, you can do anything.
And you're so beautiful.
And I know you...
Well, I know you don't understand this...
...but this is all I have.
This is unbelievable.
For the first time I can remember the midway is completely deserted
as everyone gathers to witness a little piece of history.
Thousands packed the Grand Hall to see these two contestants'
daring and radical butter sculptures.
Now it's up to our judges to decide once and for all
who will represent Johnson County here at State.
Stay tuned to KQWK for the live results
and your favorite light hits and less talk.
May I have your attention, please?
The judges have reached a decision. Orval?
Thank you, Nancy. Um...
In my years judging this competition, uh,
I've seen many things.
But only twice have I seen true art.
The first was Bob Pickler's brilliant "Passion of The Christ"
with Neil Diamond as Jesus.
- And the second this morning... - Did he say Neil Diamond?
...when I laid eyes on a work so tragic, so touching,
that it became not just butter carving, but butter art.
And to be touched yourself, you merely have to look right here...
...at the sad, melted face
of this unloved child.
Our winner, again, is Destiny.
Can you put me down, please?
I'd just like to say
this isn't all you have.
Aww!
You won't believe this, but somehow my messed-up sculpture
won the State competition that year.
The Des Moines Register called it "an angst-ridden exploration
- of post-natal abandonment." - Congratulations.
I told them it was just a sculpture of my mom, but whatever.
I was just happy that I finally found something I was good at.
I also got a postcard from Brooke.
She wrote to say that she was doing great
and was promoted to general manager of Barnes & Noble.
And then, some even cooler stuff started to happen.
Firstly, Jill finally figured out how to do my hair.
Destiny, come on down.
You get to hear Ethan attempt to sing Christmas carols.
- It's really awful. - She means awesome.
OK, I'll be down in a minute.
Yes! You won't regret it.
# God rest ye merry gentlemen #
# Let nothing you dismay #
Oh, and also Miss Jill and Mr. Ethan officially adopted me.
Which meant that was the last time I had to unpack that stupid suitcase.
And you've probably heard
that Mrs. Pickler is running for Governor.
The word on the street is that the big man himself
came to her in a vision and told her to run.
Sounds kinda messed up to me.
But a lot of people seem to really like what she stands for.
Mr. Ethan says it's because she panders
to the lowest common something-or-other.
But I think people actually kinda like her.
Still, if there's even the slightest chance she'll win,
I'm fixing to team up with some bad-ass ninjas
to march down to Des Moines and kick her butt.
"Keep Marchin'"
Mark!
Excuse me. Let me just try that again.
My father raped me.
Oops!
What if the whole place is a vacuum?
And you turn inside-out?
And your internal organs implode?
- You had your boobs done? - Thanks for noticing.
They look great.
You are so warm and minty.
Ooh!
There could be a Miley Cyrus concert.
There could be a Justin Bieber concert ready to break out.
Bob, I saw your penis.
Don't look at me.
My name is Kenneth. I'm Bob's brother.
But I will definitely...
Bob, I'm gonna shit on your lawn.
I can't, I can't say it. Ahh!
What if this place is full of piranhas?
That have learned how to walk?
Could be full of vegetarians.
Bob, I'm gonna shit on your lawn.
- Yeah. Mm. - That's disgusting.
You're disgusting.
You can take down Laura Pickler.
You can take down that pasty, white ass and make... Sorry.
Not "take down that ass." No.
Hey, look... Sweet baby Jesus.
It could be a Republican party fundraiser.
You tell Orval that this isn't over.
It's just not, right?
Move it, bitches!
- Oops! - Cut!
"Butter (The Greatest Gift In Life)"
# Gonna put it on bread #
# Spread it real nice #
# My favorite gold #
# Best gold in life #
# I ain't got no time #
- # For nothing else # - # Nothing else #
- # No substitute # - # Substitute #
- # On my shelf # - # On her shelf #
# 'Cause you can whip it, spread it, bite it #
# Let it wrap your loving arms around it #
# Eat it, need it, love it, leave it #
# Melt it with your heart and serve it up #
Whoo!
# I wanna put it on both sides #
# Then realize #
# Need more than a pat #
# As a matter of fact #
- # Gonna melt it down # - # Down #
- # And stir it up # - # Stir it up #
- # And get all crazy # - Yeah!
- # I can't get enough # - # Get enough #
# 'Cause you can pass it, cut it, add it, love it #
# Drown your corn and sorrows in it #
# Muffin, stuffing, drippy in the oven #
- # Nothing I can find is better than # - # Butter #
# Butter is the greatest gift in life #
- # Butter # - # Butter All you need is a knife #
# Better with butter Just ask Betty Crocker #
# When you're rocking with some loving in your butter-laden oven #
# It's time for some sweetbread Time for some jam #
# Butter to your mother Every child and man #
- # Butter # - # Butter is the rising of the cream #
- # Butter # - # There's no need for margarine, yeah #
- # Butter # - # Butter from sea to shining sea #
- # Butter # - # Butter is the only thing for #
- # For me # - # It's the only thing for #
# Me #
# Yeah #
Testify!
No, mama, clarify.