You may now kiss the bride.
From now on, he'll take care of you...
and you'll take care of him.
He'll make you big baloney sandwiches...
and you'll buy him new socks and a white briefcase.
And you'll live happily ever after.
You're the luckiest girl in the world, Barbie.
The luckiest girl in the world.
You are the luckiest girl in the world.
When I did Whitney Houston's wedding, she was even more nervous than you.
And you look ten times better than she did.
No, I don't.
This isn't gonna work.
I'm fat!
And I'm gonna marry the wrong guy.
Look at me.
You are exquisite.
You're timeless.
You're the envy of your future sister-in-law Janice...
whom I overheard say at the last gown fitting, " Look at those thighs.
I'd kill for Tracy's thighs."
But you have more than great thighs.
You have the love of a man named Tom.
A man who, when he walked into rehearsal dinner the other day...
said, "I can't believe she picked me.
I can't believe I'm marrying the most beautiful woman I've ever seen."
That tells me that this marriage of yours is not only gonna work...
it's gonna last forever.
Thank you.
Oh, Mom, come here.
Excuse me.
Hey, what are you doing?
Thank you!
Keep to areas A, B and E. I don't want any interference with the video team.
I know who you're looking for. They're right downstairs.
- Father, where are you going? - Nature calls.
You must call back later. We're about to start.
Let's go. Inside.
Good morning.
Penny, stop flirting. We're going in one.
Penny, go to M-12. We have a dark Tower choking the AV.
Hi, ma'am. You're in the preferred seating list.
- If you'll just follow me. - Bye.
There we go.
Enjoy the wedding from way back here.
Dark Tower demolished.
All right. Places, everyone.
Todd, cut the fill lights.
Maestro, on three.
Excuse me, Mary. We can't find the father of the bride.
That's okay. I got it. Penny, send over the FOB.
I did, 15 minutes ago.
Cover me up north. The FOB is MIA.
Oh, no, no, no. Count to 100 and start again, okay?
Father, you're gonna have to hold it.
Good.
Hey, guys, we're on. Come on, put your jackets on.
Hickory, dickory, dock. The mouse ran up the clock.
I have a 20 on the FOB.
My little girl's getting married today.
I remember her graduation from nursery school...
when she was a little girl.
I remember...
like it was yesterday.
- Who are you? - I'm the wedding planner.
Look, there's the wedding planner.
She must lead such a romantic life.
" Earwax."
"X" on a double letter. "A" on a triple word.
Seventy-two points.
No, I challenge you. " Earwax" is two words.
- It's one. - You're bluffing.
" Munch." Sixteen points.
Sixteen.
Maria, I know I'm a pain in the neck. I just want you to be happy.
I'm gonna say something that you may be a little resistant to...
but sometimes a father has to take action.
What are you talking about?
I found you a man who has agreed to marry you.
Oh, my God!
If her mother was alive...
and she heard that, she'd wish she was dead.
"Shaft." Twenty-two points.
Anyway, you know him. Remember Massimo?
No. Who?
Massimo Lenzetta, the little boy you played with the summer we were in Italy?
- The kid who ate mud? - That's the one!
I bumped into him on New Arrivals Night at the Sicilian Association.
Why, this is the most wonderful day of my life!
A man of my very own!
- You must bring me to him at once. - No need.
- He's here? - Yeah.
- He's here? He's here? - Massimo.
- No, he didn't. - Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
You remember Massimo?
That mud did him good.
The last time I see you, you were scrawny and ugly...
and your head was too big for your body.
How nice. Thank you.
You're welcome.
I look forward to our life together.
I want three sons and a garden of tomatoes.
Okay then.
Tomatoes? Tomatoes?
Maria, wait.
- Good morning. - Good morning.
The paper, and I'm gonna take that Yahoo too.
4.50.
- Keep it. - Thanks.
- See ya. - Bye.
- You look all excited. - I am.
- Mary, I need-- - Can you take it, please?
Francine Donolly.
Her family sold gourmet sausages out of the working-class kitchen.
- Yeah? - Now today, five years later...
they're one of the biggest Internet food specialty companies in America.
Pierre, I love you, but if you use another carnation in my bouquet...
I will deport you.
- Thank you so much. - Geri.
They put her wedding announcement in the society pages. Why?
Because they want their new money to be taken very seriously.
Sheila! Book the Gazebo Package for the Belettis, okay?
Take this ugly flower.
Call Davis and tell him we need a rush order on the Chuppa rental.
Thank you.
- What the hell is this? - Sunless tanning cream.
Wedding's tomorrow. You do the math.
Stop crying. Quarter cup of lemon juice, half a cup of salt and a loof of sponge.
- Really? - Scrub, scrub, scrub. Okay?
Look, they see this as their ticket into the club.
They wanna make it a social event, the party everybody talks about.
Oh, thank you, Sheila.
I already made contact. They're coming to the Copeland wedding to see my work.
I'm gonna nail this account.
We'll be in every major bridal magazine in the country.
- It'll be our biggest event ever. - Good.
When I pull it off, you're gonna make me a partner.
- A partner? - Yes.
A partner.
Okay, you are fantastic.
Really, you're incredible.
Very good work, but let me tell you something.
I built this business on my back.
I sweat, I toiled.
I did things a little, innocent wedding planner shouldn't even hear about.
I won't even say it.
I made the big plans, okay? I made the sacrifiices.
You also never made any money.
Wow!
Until I came along.
Look, I've been here for five years, Geri.
I bring in more revenue than all of your other wedding planners combined.
- That's great. - Times five!
You need me.
You know you need me.
- I know you know that you need me. - I don't know that.
You know, maybe I should just start my own company.
You wouldn't dare.
If I nailed the Donolly account and you made me a partner...
you'd save me the trouble of designing my own letterhead.
Let me see. What font would I use?
- You're gonna be a partner! - I gotta get the account first.
Please, Mary, you're totally gonna get the account.
The Greenburg marriage lasted one year, two months. You win the pot again.
How do you do it? I was more than four years off.
"I Honestly Love You" by Olivia Newton-John was their wedding song.
Puts them in the 14-month divorce range.
Speaking of honest love, Jed was asking about you again.
I don't trust a man who gets regular pedicures.
- You haven't had a date in two years. - Your point?
If you're not interested in Jed...
there is a handsome Italian man waiting to marry you in the lobby.
Hide me. Did you talk to him?
Just for a few minutes. He is so adorable.
- He's not adorable. - How can you say that?
When we were kids, he followed me for a summer asking me if I had a vagina.
I think that's adorable.
I gotta get out of here.
- Grab that side. - You shouldn't hold that against him.
You should give him a chance. He was a little boy.
Maybe he wanted to be a doctor. Besides, you do have a vagina.
My, this is hard to push all by myself.
May you have enough happiness to keep you sweet...
enough trials to keep you strong...
enough hope to keep you happy...
enough friends to give you comfort.
enough friends to give you comfort...
- enough determination... - and enough determination...
- to make each day a better day... - to make each day...
- a better day... - than yesterday.
- Raise your glass.
Congratulations, you guys. I love you both.
What? You think Kissinger came up with his own stuff?
You just fed the best man his speech.
Smooth. Real smooth.
You must be Francine. I saw your article in Yahoo.
- Very impressive. - God, I hate that picture.
It made me look like a psychotic poodle.
My fiance has got to see this.
He will just die.
- He should be here by now. - Most grooms are NIDS.
" Not Into details."
That's Eddie, all right.
- I want you to meet my parents. - Okay.
Thanks, doll. That rocked.
Mary, meet my parents, Kitty and Jack.
- How do you do? - So nice to meet you.
- Dad, are you eating the food? - Mm-hmm.
Champagne is delightful. Cristal? d.P.?
- Actually, it's Taittinger. - Exquisite.
Mother, we're not guests. You're not supposed to be drinking the champagne.
You give my little girl whatever she wants, no expense spared.
I'll be faxing you a list of the songs I'll be performing at the reception.
And none of those mini egg rolls. A lot of important people are coming.
- We've got an impression to make. - We haven't hired here yet.
And as previously discussed in detail, you won't be singing at the wedding.
I'm sorry, Mary. Hi.
The belly dancer's here, and she has a tattoo of an--
It's okay. Penny, I want you to meet the Donollys.
- This is one of my associates, Penny. - Pleasure.
What I need you to do is go to the offiice and prepare the Murdoch fiile.
Ooh, Murdoch.
As in--
discretion.
Oops.
The Murdoch files. Right.
All right now, wedding woman.
Let's get down to brass tacks.
What do you see for our wedding?
Well, now, having met you...
off the top of my head...
let's see.
Night.
Dubounce Botanical Gardens.
White, silk tents thin enough to see the stars.
Candle light.
Wedgewood.
Exotic waringin trees imported from Bali.
I'm thinking Gatsby.
Not a period wedding...
but the spirit of it, the time.
I nailed it, Geri. Yeah, but they want it in three months.
They're going for June. I know.
The clock is ticking. Put Penny on.
Guess what, Miss Moneypenny?
Hold on, Penny.
This shoe is stuck.
Not my good shoes.
Oh, my goodness.
My new Gucci shoe.
Come on!
Oh, are you okay? Are you okay?
I'm great.
- Okay. - Where's my shoe?
Your shoe? You got it right here.
Now talk to me. How are you feeling?
Are you experiencing any dizziness, nausea, difficulty breathing?
The breathing thing rings a bell.
Then again, you are on top of me, cutting off my air supply.
Your mental clarity's excellent. That's good. That's good.
Don't appear to have a concussion.
You took quite a fall.
Why are you still on top of me?
That's a good question.
You see that dumpster there? Seems that dumpster tried to kill you.
You were standing in the middle of the road, and it was coming right at you.
Just take your time. Sit up straight. You okay?
You saved...
my shoe.
My life.
Your shoe was what I was going for. You just turned out to be a bonus.
Come on. We're gonna try and get up. Take your time.
Up.
Here we go. I got you. I got you.
I got you, okay?
You smell like sweet red plums...
and grilled cheese sandwiches.
Okay. Here you go.
Yeah, I get that all the time. Thank you.
All right. Hold up! All right.
Yup, she's dead, all right.
- You think she's going to heaven? - definitely.
She's got the cleanest toes I've ever seen.
Where am I?
You're at the children's ward of St. Vincent's Hospital.
I'm your doctor. Try not to talk.
My God.
I'm paralyzed. I'm paralyzed!
If you're moving your arms and legs, you're clearly not paralyzed.
Boo!
Yes, thank you. There's my flashlight.
Thank you. How's our patient doing?
- It was touch and go for a while. - Was it? What do you recommend?
I think she needs more fluids.
Why don't you go load her up with 10 cc's of Yoo-Hoo, all right?
Here we go.
- You're the guy-- - Steve Edison.
I'm the supervising pediatrician here.
- Mary-- - Fiore. Yeah, I know.
I had to go through your wallet to get your identification.
I must say, I've never met anyone who alphabetized her credit cards before.
Here's the skinny on you.
Your X-rays are fine. Hemoglobin levels are normal.
We're just waiting on the CAT scan to be processed, then we can get you out.
You can take this off now.
- Oh, you've got a big neck. - I have a big neck?
Don't get me wrong. It's a fine neck.
It's just that haven't had a patient over the age of six in three years.
What happened to your hand?
My hand. You fell on it with your big neck.
Your CAT scan came back, and it's all clear.
- So I'm okay? - You're better than new.
Speaking of new, that's a pretty modern girl you have there.
- Who? - Your girlfriend.
No, that's my sister. I guess you could say she's modern.
The last time I saw her, she had a spike through her chin.
Oh, my.
What I don't understand is how she got near the dumpster!
Miss?
- Oh, my God, you're alive! - How did you find me?
I'm so happy! The nurse found my phone number taped to your Palm Pilot.
She told me what happened, and--
Is this the guy who saved you?
I wouldn't exactly call it a rescue.
I was just in the right place at the right time.
Well, aren't you just the modern-day hero?
Are you okay?
Fabulous.
Penny Nicholson. Nice to meet you.
I'm Steve Edison. Nice to meet you too.
Have a seat. Make yourself comfortable. Mary's gonna be fine.
So, you must work long hours. Are you working late tonight?
No, I'm not even on duty tonight.
Great!
You know, Mary and I were gonna go to Golden Gate Park.
They show old movies on the side of the museum.
You should come with us.
- We won't take no for an answer. - Will you leave him alone, please?
Oh, you don't want me to go?
Of course she wants you to go.
You know, the truth is, doctor...
that I've been thinking about a career in medicine.
Something medicinal or what not.
I'd really like to just pick apart your brain.
- Do not leave me here. - I know what's best for you.
I'm gonna get you over this Keith thing once and for all!
It's only been six years.
It's not a date!
Do not leave me alone. Please.
- It's for your own good. - Don't you dare!
- There he is. - There's your gum ball.
Thank you. Oh, good. Boy, you can never get the colors you want.
Okay, well.
Oh, no!
Darn it. I just remembered that I promised...
my friend's brother's godmother...
that I would help her...
change her fax cartridge tonight...
because she's going out of town tomorrow...
on an African safari.
I should go do that.
I'm really sorry that we're not gonna be able to have that...
- medical chat. - Medical chat, yeah.
Okay. Bye.
- Penny. - Wow.
Goodness, I hope her...
friend's brother's godmother is gonna be okay.
You know, I have reserved seating.
- All right. - Okay. Let's go.
- Thanks for guarding my tree. - Yes, I'm guarding your tree.
There's your blanket right there under your tree I kept for you.
- Thank you, Burt. This is Steve Edison. - Steve, how you do? Nice to meet you.
- Pleased to meet you. - It's about time you had a date.
- It's not-- - What line of business are you in?
- I'm a doctor at St. Vincent's. - You a doctor?
He's a doctor. Well, I get the hint.
See you at the Scrabble practice, kid.
Sorry. I'm so sorry about that.
Scrabble practice?
Please, don't ask.
Come on. You can't leave me hanging on that.
"See you at Scrabble practice, kid"? What's that?
I'm a member of the Bay Area Scrabble Club.
- Pathetic, I know. - Wow.
- What? - That is pathetic.
Shut up.
At least I can spell. What can you do?
- I throw a mean yo-yo. - You know what?
- No more caramel corn for you. - I'm serious.
How'd you get into it? I've never met a member of a Scrabble Club before.
That's for sure.
When my parents came over from Italy...
the joined a Scrabble Club so they could learn English.
After my mom died, my dad became, like, obsessed with the game...
and wanted me to play with him all the time...
so I guess, in a way, I was destined.
C-O-O-L.
What are you doing?
I only eat the brown ones.
Because?
'Cause I fiigure they have less artificial coloring...
'cause chocolate's already brown.
That's very scientific of you, dr. Steve.
Thank you.
So where would one go to see a Scrabble match?
Oh, look. It's starting.
And closer
tome
- Oh, that's beautiful. - You like it?
Yes.
This is by far the coolest thing I've ever done in this city.
The closer you are
- the brighter the stars glow - Wanna dance?
I don't know. I haven't danced in quite some time.
- Okay. - Girl asks you to dance, you dance.
Burt's right. Yes, Mary, I would love to dance.
- No pressure. - It's too late now.
Okay.
Where'd you learn to dance like this?
Ballroom class.
Oh, you're gay.
Oh, yeah, the gayest.
My mother put me in ballroom classes...
when I was eight years old.
She wanted me to be Fred Astaire. I wanted to be Marcus Welby.
So now you're a little bit of both?
I think you're being kind.
You can stop that. I'm gonna blush.
How's your thumb?
Never better.
YMCA.
My next Scrabble match is Saturday...
at 1 :00 at the north side YMCA.
It'll be the social event of the season.
Maybe you should be there.
- Maybe you shouldn't step on my foot. - did I?
- Yes. - I'm sorry.
That's okay. Just don't let it happen again.
Don't tell me what to do.
Don't what?
Holy shit!
Are you guys crazy? This isn't funny!
I am thinking teal for the bridesmaids. What do you think?
Good morning. Earth to Mary.
What is up with you? You're different.
I'm not different. How am I different?
You can't stop smiling.
I'm not smiling. Am I smiling?
Like a fool.
- Tell me. - It's nothing.
Then stop smiling.
- I can't. - Okay, who is he?
Okay. No, no!
Mr. Kotsioupolis, you cannot throw plates at the Ritz-fucking-Carlton!
It's okay.
This is like a fairy tale.
He saves your life. You dance under the stars.
- You kiss in the rain. - Almost kissed.
I don't know, Fran. I've been so out of the dating-relationship loop.
You?
You know, those who can't do, teach? Those who can't wed, plan.
With my help, you could marry this man in three months.
I have totally lost control. Will you please, please, please help me?
Penny, if you can't beat 'em--
- What has gotten into you? - She met a guy.
You met a guy? You mean--
- I wanna hear all about it! - I owe you one, Penny.
You do. You owe me one!
- Hello, Rene. How are you? - Great.
Listen, they're gonna be signing up for six classes.
So just be sure to pay up front, okay?
Basil himself is gonna be here today.
- Really? - Yes.
I'll have to call you back. Okay. Bye.
Mary, what are you doing here?
Oh, my God. I'm so embarrassed.
I may be a hell of a businesswoman...
but when I dance, I look like a retarded string bean.
I thought your class wasn't till Thursday though.
I know. We had to change it. But this is perfect.
You can finally meet Eddie. Come here. Eddie.
Eddie, come here.
I want you to meet the wedding planner.
The two most important people in my life set eyes on one another.
Eddie, this is Mary, the wedding planner.
Mary, this is my fiance Eddie.
- Mary, are you okay? - Uh-huh. Yup. Good.
Let's see who that is.
Hi, dad. Wait.
I can't hear you. Hang on. All right. Okay, I got you.
Okay, I'm losing you again. I'm sorry.
Shoot. Okay, wait, wait. Hello. do you hear me?
Quickly, people. Get your tootsies out here, pronto.
Welcome to the Basil St. Mosely School of dance.
I am Basil St. Mosely.
Hang on. I can't hear you. Wait a second. I can't hear you.
You're breaking up. Hang on.
There you go.
I'd like all my lovely couples, dancing partners, paired up in twos...
ready to dance, not next week, not tomorrow, but now.
- dance with Eddie. - I can't.
Quickly. Is there a problem in the room?
Pronto, people. I'd like us to still beyoung when this class is over.
I have to take this call.
Darling, I understand you're busy. I'm busy too.
- You're holding up the class. - She's with him.
All right.
Mary, watch out for his thumb. He hurt it saving some old lady.
- Sorry, I can't. - Listen, I got a prior engagement.
Interesting choice of words.
Wallflowers, it's time to blossom and bloom.
Obviously, what we have here, people, is a fear of dancing.
It's my firm belief we must conquer one's fears.
Now, I have to gauge what I am dealing with...
so I will play music, you will dance...
and I will observe.
Okay, Rene?
Yes, thank you.
Mary, would you like to dance?
Have no fear. dance. dance.
Yes.
- Old lady, huh? - Listen, this is--
- You told me your name was Steve. - It is Steve.
My last name is Edison. Fran calls me Eddie. It's a nickname.
I have a better nickname for you. How about common, cheating, sleazy--
If you're thinking--
What I'm thinking involves a machete and a pair of pliers.
Okay.
- The day that you had the accident. - That was a special day.
It was. I was running late.
How convenient.
I was meeting Fran and our wedding planner, which you turned out to be.
What are the odds?
Dance. Dance!
Don't dance around the issue. You didn't show 'cause you don't wanna get married.
- I see it all the time. - You see what?
Why'd you tell your fiancee you saved an old lady?
Exactly!
You think you want to get married, but you don't.
You're pitiful and confused, looking to get some hot pepper wherever you can.
Mary, you have no idea what you're talking about.
Yeah?
Why did you go to the movies with me?
Why did Steve go to the movies with you? Let's see.
First of all, Steve likes the movies.
Steve had the night off.
Steve said, " Hey, you know what?
A movie sounds good." Plus he got an invitation.
Why is Steve referring to himself in the third person?
What are you talking about?
Think you can double-talk your way out, throw me off your scent? I smell you!
And I smell like sweet red plums and grilled cheese sandwiches.
- What? - Yes.
- So you said before you passed out. - I did not!
You did too. If anybody was looking to get some, it's M-A-R-Y.
You are hideous.
Okay. Then why'd you ask me to dance?
- I didn't. - You did too.
- I did not. - You said, "Would you like to dance?"
And even if I did, I'm not the one who's engaged.
It was a dance.
Whoop-dee-doo. It didn't mean anything.
Then why'd you almost kiss me?
This pair, this lovely couple...
they have it, they know what it takes.
Very well done.
We need to pow wow.
As soon as dad mentioned it, I went, "Of course."
Everybody knows that it's the place to get married.
Sure, Fran. A vineyard sounds perfect.
- We should check it out right away. - I already have.
We have reservations for this weekend, but you'll have to take off Friday.
Friday? Friday's not good for me. I have a diverticulitis seminar planned.
- Okay. Saturday. - Saturday.
Saturday. All right, Mary? Thanks for everything.
Nice to meet you. Thanks for the dance. We'll let you know how it all goes.
- Pleasure to meet you. - Wait a second. She's coming with us.
- I'm coming? - She's comin'?
Yes.
You are not quitting the Donolly wedding!
I gotta tell Geri I'm off the account.
Hold on.
Listen...
the only good reason to quit a wedding is if you break the cardinal rule...
which is ridiculous because we both know you did not fall in love with the groom.
What?
You didn't.
Bad.
No, of course not.
I'd never get emotionally involved.
Never. Never.
It's the doctor.
I'm confused. Is it the doctor, or did you fall for the groom?
No, the doctor is the groom. The groom is the doctor.
The doctor is Fran Donolly's fiance!
The dumpster girl is your wedding planner?
Yes. I'm in hell.
And I'm in heaven. Now you can fix me up with her.
I'm not fixing you up, Dr.John. Look, this is complicated enough.
You are one of the top wedding planners...
in this great, big, thriving metropolis.
Look on the positive side. He got you to open up again.
Tank the bastard and move on.
You cannot tell me you would sacrifice your entire career over this!
You're not telling me that you think it's a mistake to marry Fran now?
I don't think it's a mistake to marry Fran. Fran is great.
Yes.
It's just that...
what if what I think is great really is great...
but it's not as great as something greater?
You will go through with this wedding!
Why?
Because you deserve this partnership. You've earned it!
- You're right. - Of course I'm right.
Of course you're right.
Your feelings for her, that's not chemistry, that's anxiety.
- It's nature. - It's natural.
Natural. It's not chemistry, it's anxiety.
I can do this. I can plan this wedding.
The feelings I have for Fran run deep.
It's not something that can be swept away in one night with one dance.
Not gonna happen.
- What the hell was I thinking? - You were thinking wrong.
I was thinking wrong. I was being a jackass. Come on, Steve.
I can treat that jackass like any other faceless groom.
That's just what I'm gonna do. Why?
Because he's nothing! Because I love a challenge!
And because I am a goddamn professional!
- So you're gonna give me her number? - No, I'm not.
I thought that we had everything covered...
but then I realized Eddie and I don't have a wedding song.
So I got this wedding compilation to see if we can find one.
Okay, here we go.
- What do you think? - That's groovy.
- I like it. - Let's see what else there is.
You fill up my senses
- What do you think of this one? - That's groovy too. I like it.
It's kinda cute.
Kinda not.
I love you
Oh, my God.
Olivia Newton-John. I love this song.
- I Honestly Love You - This is perfect, isn't it?
Yes, it is perfect.
- It is. - Yes.
What?
Nothing. It's nothing.
- What, is it a bad song? - No, I think it's absolutely perfect.
- See? It's perfect. - It's perfect?
Yes, it is. It's perfect.
You think so? We have a song!
I can't believe it. We have a song.
I love you
I honestly love you
What's that, like, 1983?
Oh, I've been meaning to ask you, speaking of love...
what happened to that guy?
You know, the one that you danced with--
There was a damn deer in the road.
Damn it.
Careful.
So, what happened?
- Didn't work out. - How is that possible?
I saw you three days later, and you still had stars in your eyes.
Well, he turned out to be the groom of one of the weddings I was planning.
Yes.
That is the most disgusting thing I have ever heard.
I would hate to be a single gal with all those creeps running around out there.
Yeah, Fran, you're really lucky.
I love you
I honestly love you
I suppose they'd like to see the gardens first. don't you think, Mary?
Over here is where the actual ceremony would take place.
What are you doing here?
Your papa tell me where you are, so I come to surprise you.
I made this for you.
And who is this?
- I'm her fiance. - What?
Her fiance?
- Buongiorno. I am Massimo. - I'm Steve.
And I'm Fran.
Oh, my God, Mary, I cannot believe you didn't tell us you were engaged.
Mary, you're engaged!
That's marvelous!
After all the weddings we've done together, now finally it's your turn.
- And I am her fiance. - Congratulations.
We're gonna have to plan something very special this weekend to celebrate.
- It won't be necessary. - Yes, it will, because it is wonderful.
It is wonderful.
You've found that somebody special in your life...
to be honest and faithful to...
until the end of time, no matter what.
You must take that moment, Mary.
And I am her fiiance.
- We're ready for our tour now. - Certainly.Just follow me.
Wow.
This wedding putting-together is not a job for a man.
You stay with me and we will do the manly bonding.
Manly bonding. You and me.
We'll let the ladies-- I mean, the brides-to-be--
we'll let them go do their thing.
Bye-bye, girls.
How cute is he?
He's so cute.
How long you known Mary?
Way before she had the breasts.
Believe me, back then she did not look so good.
Look. A center for the physical fitness.
We do the bonding. Follow me.
We do the bonding.
Take it easy there, buddy.
- I like the speed. - You like the speed.
Faster.
Run!
Run like a man!
Like me!
Well, here we are.
Hi, bunny. Wedding woman.
Mr. Donolly. Hello, Mrs. Donolly.
What took you guys so long?
We found seven of the most adorable vineyards on the way up.
- Right by the side of the road. - All you can drink.
- Really? Great. - Oh, honey, do you mind?
- How many is that for you? - Sixty-five.
And you?
- How many? - Sixty-five.
Same.
Sixty-seven.
Another plus is that their chefis rated one of the three best on the West Coast.
I really like it, dad.
You know who else was married here? Lesley Ann Martin.
Herb Martin's daughter? Forget it. This place is out.
I'm not following in Herb Martin's shoddy footsteps.
- I didn't see a stage either. - Find something bigger.
Eddie, what on earth--
What are you doing?
Yeah, just a second.
Good move, honey.
From this valley
they say you are leavin'
It's "going," honey.
Whatever, darling.
Is hall miss your bright eyes
And sweet smile
I'm starting a non-profit pediatric foundation. I want Eddie to head it up.
Can you imagine Eddie CEO of a major medical foundation?
He wants to give up his patients?
He does. He just doesn't know it yet.
He has a hard time leaving people behind.
Always do the right thing.
I'm sure he doesn't always do the right thing.
Just the some thing something
Red River Valley
Mom, would you please shut up!
Whoa! Heel, boy! Heel! Heel!
Pull on the reins!
Stop! Oh, God!
Horsey! Horsey! Horsey!
Oh, God.
Tree! Tree!
Hang on, Mary!
I got you! I got you!
On the count of three. One, two, three!
You okay?
Oh, my God. You could've been killed.
- It's important to learn how to ride. - Yeah.
- Eddie, you're riding back with Mary. - No, no, really.
Don't let her out of your sight.
And the good news is, I have the wine!
As I walked out on
the streets of Laredo
- Thank you fo rwhat you did. - No problem.
You don't have to be all smug about it.
How about a quick recap here, Mary?
You harpoon me for being engaged...
when, in a zippy and unexpected twist, you yourself turn out to have a fiance.
Now you have the nerve to call me smug?
Come on, Mary. What the hell is your problem?
You're the one with the problem.
I've been doing this a long time...
and I can predict down to the week how long a couple's going to last.
Are you aware that Fran has chosen teal for her bridesmaids?
Teal, the color of gangrene.
My last bride who chose teal got her marriage annulled in 12 days.
Oh, oh, and "I Honestly Love You" as your wedding song?
You might as well commit matrimonial suicide right now.
You want a confession in blood? Huh? All right.
That night at the movie, I was attracted to you.
I was. You caught me. I admit it.
I mean, let's see, maybe I was a little unsure about the whole marriage thing.
I don't know, maybe I was just being a guy...
and an opportunity presented itself.
Bottom line?
I never thought I'd see you again.
Bottom line? Nothing happened.
Bottom line?
Now, more than ever, I believe Fran is the one for me.
So...
I would say, based on the evidence...
all your theories on love sound like the rantings of a bitter, cynical woman.
Once I walked out on the streets of Laredo
And Laredo walked out
On the streets with me
Excuse me.
There's my good boy.
What's going on?
I am measuring you for your wedding dress.
Dad, I want my house key back. dad, dad, please.
Where's that old wedding dress?
Now we can finally get rid of this.
Dad, put that back!
Hey, Mary, what do you want on your bagel?
No bagel. No wedding dress. No wedding.
No wedding?
But Massimo said you announced your engagement.
I never said that.
My God, this is like the blind date that wouldn't end.
He's right.
You're frightened by a mounting attraction for him.
Oh, that's disgusting.
- I told you Mismo was full of crap. - No Mismo! Massimo!
Go toast the bagel.
Yeah, I'll toast when I see fit.
Mismo, Massimo or any other kind of"mo."
Dad, you cannot push some guy at me.
That's not how it works.
You know that. You had Ma.
Yes, and I didn't meet her until the day of our wedding.
What are you talking about?
Your mother and I had an arranged marriage.
An arranged marriage?
We met on the day of our wedding.
We couldn't even look at each other.
I was in love with another girl...
and your mother wanted nothing to do with me.
She said I had big eye brows and a low IQ
Anyway, one day...
I got very sick with scarlet fever...
and she stayed by my side.
She took good care of me.
For the first time...
I appreciated her.
Then the appreciation grew to respect.
Respect grew to like.
Then like grew to love.
A deeper love than I could ever hope for.
So give Massimo a chance.
Maybe you don't like him now...
but maybe you might love him later.
I should've told you about your mother and I a long time ago.
Maybe then you'd feel differently about love.
I don't feel anything about love.
What do you think, Mary?
Oh, the park's great.
You guys would be the first. No one else has been married here before.
Well, we'd have to construct the site from scratch...
but at least you wouldn't have to cut the guest list.
Dad would love it.
And what about the bride and groom-to-be?
- I say, let's take it. - I think we should keep looking.
- Really? - Maybe I should give you guys a minute.
You don't like it?
I don't know.
Come on.
All right, if this is what you want, then I'm-- I'm fine with it.
Do you see why I'm marrying this guy?
Because he is so good to me.
Yep, you two will have no problem planning the wedding while I'm gone.
- I beg your pardon? -Just for a week.
- Gone? - I've got to fly back east.
We're looking at buying out a few of our manufacturers.
- Fran, this is a really critical time. - That's why we shouldn't lose momentum.
You guys will do a great job. I trust you.
Fran wants statues at the wedding.
A well-chosen sculpture can help enhance the tone and theme of the ceremony.
Something like this could be nice.
A little depressing, isn't it?
No, it's wistful and romantic.
Oh.
Okay.
I always pictured a small wedding myself.
Close friends and family.
On the beach somewhere. Cool, salty breeze.
You know, the Aphrodite we passed on the way in might be perfect.
What about this guy?
Well, this is all wrong for a wedding. It's too menacing.
Mary, I think you're wrong.
He's not menacing. He's masculine.
He's the protector.
- This man is strong. - He's naked.
This man is sturdy.
Oh, my God.
Pick him up before somebody sees.
You all right?
- The man is heavy. - Oh, my God, there's a guard coming.
There.
Oh, my God.
You castrated him.
Oh, no.
The guard's coming this way.
- I'm sorry, buddy. - We gotta fix him.
What do you got? Oh, of course. Krazy Glue.
Why didn't I bring Krazy Glue, in case his pecker fell off?
- All right, ready? - Is it sticking?
- You got it? - Yeah, he's on. Oh, shit.
Steve's stuck. Steve's glued to his pecker.
- Hi. - Hi there.
Sir, touching the statues isn't permitted.
Yes, sir.
You're right. It's limestone, not granite.
We had a bet going. She won.
- Sir. - Yeah?
Your hand, sir.
Yeah, my hand.
Here it is. You were right.
A limestone penis.
You'd think he'd be bigger, huh?
All right.
Jesus.
What else you got in that?
My entire universe.
- I'm sorry-- - I'm sorry--
- I'm sorry. Go ahead. - No, you go.
I'm sorry about Napa.
I didn't mean to call you bitter and cynical. You're not.
And I'm sorry, what I said about your marriage being doomed to fail.
Well, I apologize for saying you were just an opportunity.
That was pretty ugly of me.
And I was only half serious about the teal bridesmaid thing.
Well, at least I have a 50-50 chance, right?
You and Fran are gonna be real happy together.
So are you and Massimo. It's gonna work.
Yeah, well, um, we're not engaged anymore.
- Really? - Really.
- Are you okay with that? - Yeah.
It was more my dad trying to get us together.
Why would he want to do that?
Well, probably because he was so happy with my mom.
Fran said to go forward with the violet chocolate--
- The chocolate one? - The one that you suggested.
Good. Then I'll put in that order today.
- How is Fran? - She's good.
She's making deals, kickin' butt. You know, being Fran.
Oh, nicely done.
- Thank you, Mary. - You're welcome.
You wanna keep it?
Sure.
Wow, it's a nice day.
I agree with you about the small wedding.
That's the way I'd do it too.
Papa.
How nice to see you.
Where's my father?
He's out buying the balloons for Burt's birthday party.
Tell him I was here.
Wait, Mary.
Are you mad with me?
Yes...
I'm mad at you.
You told my father we were engaged.
He tried to measure me for a wedding dress.
What is the matter with you? You never listen.
Massimo, we are not going to be together like that. Okay?
- And why are you in my father's house? - I am sorry. I will leave you alone.
From now on, I'll no longer bother you. We will be just friends.
Oh, you think we can be friends just like that?
I want to apologize for any madness I caused you.
Is this a trick?
No tricks. I'm very serious.
I just want for us to be buddy-buddy.
I promise you.
Do you have plans for dinner?
As a friend, I want to make for you a wonderful...
American dish.
Sit. I will start.
That's your specialty? Instant macaroni and cheese?
It is a low-budget wonder.
Already today, I've eaten three boxes.
Nothing like a well-balanced diet.
- You remind me so much of your mother. - You don't remember my mother.
Yeah, I remember your mother.
She had the same big smile...
and the same dark hair.
She had no nail on her little fiinger. I don't remember why.
A brick fell on it when she was little. It never grew back.
You see? We have much history together.
I guess we sort of do.
You look like you have much on your mind.
Not at all.
Well, we're friends...
and friends listen when friends are not feeling so good...
so please to tell me.
There's nothing to tell.
I thought I could control everything, and I can't.
I met someone who I thought was--
Well, he's not.
Did you ever like somebody, but the timing was off?
Way off?
You feel things you should not be feeling?
I'm not making any sense.
You make much sense.
You long for him the way I long for you.
I don't want you to think--
I want to tell you something.
You need to learn patience.
Love can't always be perfect.
Love is just love.
My mom used to say that.
Your mother was a very wise woman.
Eat.
We'll start with camellias as a base, and anything else that jumps out at you.
- Let me know. - Okay.
Roses.
Wreaths.
We don't need any more statues.
How about this beauty?
Interesting.
This is called a bleeding heart...
the offiicial funeral fower of Tibet.
I knew I'd be good at this.
I'll take some Slit-My-Wrists-Susans...
and we'll be ready.
How'd you guys meet?
- Me and Fran? - Yeah.
College.
She was in one of your classes?
No, she was a bookie, actually.
- Fran was a bookie? - Yeah, she was.
She single-handedly established...
this underground gambling ring at UC Berkeley...
took bets on every sporting event imaginable, ran numbers...
and even hosted a Vegas night at her sorority house.
- You're lying. - No, that was Fran.
- Orchids? does that work? - Yeah, orchids would work.
Okay.
Yeah, she was the coolest.
I was the bookworm, she was the wild child, and she picked me.
- Thank you. - Enjoy.
- How about cabbage? - My God.
- What's the matter? -Just hide me.
- Mary, what are you doing? - don't say my name!
Oh, my God.
You okay?
I found it.
Hi. How you doing? I'm Steve Edison.
Keith Richmond. My wife Wendy.
Nice to meet you, Wendy.
So, how do you all know each other?
- It's a long story. - Oh, let me tell it.
It's really a funny story.
See, Keith...
was my fiance.
And Wendy was his high school girlfriend.
On the night of our rehearsal dinner, I found them making out.
In my car.
I think that covers all the high points.
Did I leave anything out?
- You all right? - Yeah.
This home?
You wanna go up?
All right? You okay?
Jezebel was the only queen in the Bible to be eaten by dogs.
- Did she fall down in the street? - That's yours.
Hang on. Hang on.
- Mr. and Mrs. Wilfred Barber. - No, it's not that one.
Nancy Pong.
Who is it?
Nancy Pong? 2C?
- Yes. - Nancy, would you buzz us in, please?
It's Mary Fiore, 7H.
Who?
You don't know me.
We haven't met because...
I'm a control freak...
and I don't have time for people.
But if you ever need to borrow a cup of sugar...
I can't help you...
'cause I don't have time to shop.
I wanna go home.
We are home.
We're just out on the porch.
All right?
He's married...
and they're gonna have a baby.
And he looked good.
No, he didn't.
- No, he really didn't. - He did.
Hold it there, please. Thank you. Here we go. We're in.
-I don't know him. -I know, but he'll hold the door for us.
Come here. Here we go. Stand up.
Hold that position. Here we go.
We got your beer, we got your purse, we got you, we got your keys.
Hi there. Here we go.
This is somebody that lives in the same building. Thank you.
Are you Nancy Pong?
Okay, a little bit more.
A little fire.
Medium well.
You really don't think he looked good?
Oh, no. He looked old.
You know?
Unhappy and fat. He put on a couple pounds.
Be quiet.
He said they were just friends...
but deep down, I knew better.
I was just a stand-in.
A poor man's Wendy.
She threw my bridal shower for me.
She even took time to freeze mint leaves and raspberries in ice cubes.
That should've tipped me off right there.
She was trying too hard.
Jerk.
It's a good thing I didn't marry him.
But most of the time I think...
I just wasn't enough.
No, no, no, you're wrong.
And another thing.
This Wendy...
she's nothing but a poor man's Mary.
It's getting late.
I'd better go.
I'll walk you to the door.
- That's all right. Stay there. - No, it's okay.
- Wait. - Take your time. You all right?
Thanks for tonight. I know that I was a mess.
No, you weren't a mess.
A little bit.
Shut up.
- You gonna be okay? - Yeah.
Two aspirin, a lot of water, sleep, and a beer in the morning.
That's the cure.
- Good night, Mary. - Good night.
You ever think about that night in the park?
What?
I barely know you.
I don't know your dad's first name.
I don't know if you ever wore braces or contacts or glasses.
I have no idea how you came to be a wedding planner, Mary.
But I know the curves of your face...
and I know every feck of gold in your eyes.
And I know that that night in the park...
was the best time I've ever had.
Please say something.
I'm a magnet for unavailable men...
and I'm sick of it.
It's simple.
I know Fran.
I respect her.
And she loves you.
So, besides your tux measurements...
that's all I need to know.
Please go away.
Good night, Mary.
How do you word an invitation...
where both sets of parents are paying for the wedding...
the groom is in the military, about to receive a medical degree...
and the bride is a widow whose father recently had a sex-change operation...
and now goes by the name Sugar Pie deSanto?
- Mary? - What is it?
A little tense?
Just terribly, terribly...
alert.
What's the matter?
I came back early.
Why? I mean, is everything okay?
I've discovered something.
I've been blind. I didn't want to see it.
I tried to ignore the signs.
I think you know what I'm talking about.
Let me explain. It's not what you think.
Yes, it is.
I can't go through with this wedding.
But, Fran--
I was in a meeting talking about Boccolino mozzarella...
and it hit me that this isn't going to work.
I can't stand the way he chews on pen caps...
or the songs that he sings in the shower.
It drives me nuts, how he hikes up his left pant leg after he's eaten too much.
Is Eddie gonna be the last man that I sleep with...
ever?
I've been with him so long, I don't even know why we're together anymore.
Look at me.
You are exquisite.
You're timeless.
And you have the love of a man named Steve.
A man who, while you were away having meetings about mozzarella, said to me...
"I can't believe she picked me.
I can't believe I'm marrying the most incredible woman I've ever met."
So that tells me that this marriage of yours...
is not only gonna work...
it's gonna last forever.
Really?
Really.
Thank you.
Thank you, thank you.
For he's a jolly good fellow
Which nobody can deny
Let me pray, let me pray.
Hope he didn't spit on the cake.
Come on. Open up your presents.
No, no, please. Everyone, I want to make some toast.
- Happy birthday, Burt. - Salute.
Buddy Burt. Salvatore.
I want to thank Salvatore for taking me into his life...
and introducing me to all you wonderful people.
Hold on a moment.
Where is he going?
I know I never done the right thing, I never say the right thing...
and I act like a fool.
I know I say we're just buddy-buddy friends...
but that would not be true to my heart.
So I would ask you this one question.
And if you answer no...
then I will leave you alone once and for all.
Be my wife, Mary Fiore...
and I will take care of you and be true to you...
and, like this house I built for your dolls...
I will make sure you have a strong roof over your head.
If your answer is yes...
then no one will ever love you as much as I love you.
If your answer is yes...
you will make me the happiest man on the Earth.
What would I have done without you?
Hey, wedding woman, you did some job.
My girl's gonna knock 'em dead. Aren't you, sluggo?
Well, somebody stole my lucky mike. I can't sing without my lucky mike.
What are you doing here?
You know it's bad luck to see the bride before the wedding.
You look beautiful.
Go on. Get out of here. We're starting any minute.
Come on.
- Let's take a walk. - A walk?
A walk. Come on.
Come on.
No. What are you talking about? You cannot give the whole wedding to me.
Everything is gonna be fine. It's a no-brainer.
You can't do this. Geri's out there!
So? The whole commission is yours.
That's more money than I make in a year.
Then I guess that means we're gonna have to go shopping next week.
I am completely confused. Why are you doing this?
Because there's somewhere I've gotta be.
Okay, we can talk after the wedding.
Hang on a minute, Fran.
- Why do you wanna marry me? - What?
That's one of the questions I need answered.
Steve, you're scaring me.
You never call me Steve.
That's because you don't like it.
I never said I didn't like it.
- Okay, where is this going? - Why do you wanna marry me?
Are you kidding me?
- Are you kidding me? - No, I'm not.
You're trying to dump me on the day of my wedding.
- I just need to know your answer. - This is not happening to me.
- Franny, Franny. - This is-- don't " Franny" me!
Don't " Franny" me, you selfish bastard!
The reasons we were together in college don't hold up anymore.
We're different people now.
- And? - And I think you know that.
Listen to me.
If you really love me, I'll put this cummerbund on right now...
we'll walk up that hill and go to the big tent and do it.
- You would do that? - Yes, I would.
All those people.
You don't know half of'em.
You and me.
Are you ready?
Yes. Yes, of course.
I just need a second.
Oh, God.
I don't want to get married.
How did we let it get this far?
I don't know.
What are we gonna do?
Well, that's the beauty of it.
Whatever we want.
I haven't thought about what I really want in so long.
Me neither.
There you go.
Okay.
That is the bride. Is that the bride?
Yes, it is.
Well, is she coming back?
I think all the blood is rushing to my head and I'm gonna faint.
I'm gonna kill Mary for leaving me all alone here.
- I don't know what to do. - Penny, take a breath.
What are you talking about?
I'm talking about your wedding planner leaving me here all alone...
to go to city hall and get married.
Married?
- What? Mary's getting married? - Yeah, married.
- You know, married? - No, she can't get married.
- Married. - Hey, hey, city hall.
Married, you know, like what you're supposed to be doing.
Oh, that's-- Yeah.
That's great. Go. I'll tell everyone. I'll tell Kathie Lee Gifford.
Beautiful.
Thanks.
Come on! Goddamn it.
Are you sure you don't know a shortcut?
Take a shortcut somewhere?
- What do you expect me-- - Bullshit.
What are you doing?
Hold on the right. Hold!
We are gathered together in the presence of these witnesses...
to join this man and this woman...
in matrimony.
This contract is not to be taken lightly...
but thoughtfully and seriously...
with a deep realization...
of its obligations and responsibilities.
If anyone can show just cause...
why these two should not be joined together in matrimony...
then let him speak now or forever...
hold his peace.
Fine.
- Then let us proceed. - No.
- Thank God. - Oh, hell, I object too.
What is going on here?
Here we go.
Maria, I look in your eyes and it hurts my insides.
This is not what you want. This is what I want.
Shame on me.
I'm so lucky to have a father like you.
But you're right.
Love isn't like some enchanted evening...
isn't a fairy tale...
or even love at first sight.
That isn't real life.
Massimo's a good man.
Don't worry, Papa.
I know what I'm doing.
I'm just all grown up now.
Okay.
Hey, that's the doc!
- Steve! - Oh, yes.
- You know the doctor? - Mary. Where's Mary?
I'm her father. Who the hell are you?
- He's the doctor. - I'm Steve, the doctor.
- I'm in love with your daughter. - You are the one?
- What the hell is going on? - I'm sorry, but I am.
- What about Fran? - Fran and I did not get married.
That's been happening a lot today.
Whoa. You didn't get married?
We're not married. I am not the one. You are the one, Steve.
And you didn't get married? She's not married?
She does not love me. She loves you, Steve.
I could never forgive myself if ever I got in the way of Mary's true love.
- Who the hell are you? - I'm Steve.
He's Steve. He's the one.
I'm the doctor. I'm in love with Mary.
Wait a minute! Hold the phone.
You mean to tell me, you love her and she loves you...
and neither of you got married today?
That's what I'm saying.
Then what the hell are you standing around talking to us for?
I don't know. Where is she? Where is Mary? Somebody take me to Mary.
I take you. Come on.
- I like him. - He's a doctor.
Congratulations!
Fabulous!
Good for you!
- Congratulations! - Go, go. Thank you.
Thank you, Massimo!
You better be good to her!
I still do more chin-ups than you!
Why are you only eating the brown ones?
Because someone once said that...
they had less artifiicial coloring because chocolate's already brown.
And it kind of stayed with me.
You kind of stayed with me.
Where's Fran?
She's in Tahiti...
on our honeymoon.
We didn't get married.
Because?
Because she needs to find her own life.
And I--
You what?
What does Steve want?
I want to dance...
with you.