Shit.
Molly? Molly.
- Molly! - Hey, I was listening to that.
Earth calling sisterling. Have you forgotten
today's the day Rosemary moves in?
Like you'd let me forget? Please tell me you're not going to do anything crazy.
Look, you know I love you, Mollster,
but there are some things you're just way too young to understand.
I know what I'm doing, though, okay?
- Trust me. - Poppy!
All right, guys. Let's give my dad's girlfriend the perfect Malibu welcome.
Everyone, help yourselves!
You can keep it, or you can throw it away! Let's go, you guys. You can keep that.
- I want the bouncy ball! - You get those. We don't need them.
- All right, let's get rid of it! - That dress is so hot!
Oh, Poppy, you've really done it this time.
Ugh!
Hey, girls! Watch this!
- Where did she go? - Is she okay?
- Is she still down there? - She's still under.
- There might be sharks. - Someone do something.
Welcome to Malibu, biatch!
Excuse me, excuse me.
Get up here, right now. Get up here!
Please, go home. Home, home.
- So uncool. - Easy, pops.
- Go on. Out, out. - Yo, Dad.
- Loser. - Out, out, out. Let's go. Out, out.
That is the final straw, Poppy. You are going to England.
- Let's go. - Yawn. The boarding school threat again.
I don't even recognize you anymore. All this is going to stop right now!
So what? Big deal!
You can just replace me with a newer, trashier version, like you did with Mom!
You are going to boarding school in England, and that's final.
What? You think just because Mom went to boarding school in England,
it's going to magically straighten me out? Do you even remember Mom?
Hi, Molly.
I think you might've pushed him too far this time.
I know.
But England's so far away.
Well, at least they speak American there, right?
But who's going to cut the crusts off my sandwiches?
You're going to be fine, Moll. I promise.
In England, it rains 200 days out of the year.
- You will definitely get SAD. - She is sad.
Seasonal affected disorder.
Depression due to lack of sunlight, resulting in acne and weight gain.
- What? - What? I saw it on Dr. 90210.
Not those shoes. They don't do rain.
Just take them.
Hey, you promise we'll talk every day? Swear on your life?
Dude, who loves ya? Everything's going to suck without you.
Ruby, you're my best friend. I'm going to miss you so much.
I know, let's check out their website.
- Oh, my God! - Oh, my God!
"Abbey Mount School is an independent boarding school
- "for girls aged 11 to 17." - Oh, my God.
"Founded in 1797,"
"the school is one of England's top institutions for young ladies."
It's all brick! Please tell me that's not in the countryside.
Ugh!
Excuse me.
Hello. How are you?
- All right, Kate? - Yes, thanks.
Very good.
Mr. Moore? I'm Mrs. Kingsley.
Oh, please, call me Gerry. Thank you. I am so grateful.
- I'm happy we could help out. - She's going through rather a difficult stage.
Just leave it to me, Mr. Moore. I have a double first in difficult.
- Hello, how are you? - Hi.
- Good holiday? - Yeah.
Good.
Hello, Poppy. Welcome to Abbey Mount. I'm Mrs. Kingsley, your headmistress.
Look, I understand you're just...
Uh-uh, uh-uh.
Lesson number one, Poppy. To me negotiation is like a nightclub.
Not something I tend to enter into. Now come along.
- Hello. - Hi.
How are you?
Wow.
- Who's she? - Wow.
Is she new?
- Wow. - Look at those shoes.
Look at her.
Poppy, this is Kate. She'll be your big sister at Abbey Mount.
You'll soon settle in.
- Hi, how do you do? - I already have a sister.
It's just school lingo. I'll be your friend, a helping hand, that's all.
Okay, but I choose my friends, and FYI, you don't make the cut.
I'm sure that comment would sting a lot more if I knew what FYI meant.
But, for the moment, let's just pretend it's had the desired effect, shall we?
Saddle up, girls. We've got ourselves a bronco.
Mrs. Kingsley, a gift.
One for you and one for Freddie.
Oh.
- Thank you. - I shot them myself.
Oh, I don't doubt that you did.
Well, perhaps you'd like to keep a hold of them while I welcome back the first years.
Nice thought, though.
Harriet. Head Girl.
You shake the hand of the Head Girl out of respect.
When the Head Girl has earned my respect, then I'll shake her hand, biatch.
- I'm sorry? - Apology accepted.
Stunningly horridious ego desperately seeks a good bashing.
Can we oblige? Methinks so.
We think so, too.
I'll call you tomorrow morning, as soon as I'm back in LA.
I hope your flight gets seriously delayed.
And I hope your bags end up in Kazakhstan.
I'll come back for you at the end of the semester, all right?
Sweetheart, you know I love you.
Bye.
I have to find this CD to play for you guys. There it is.
You can borrow them, but only indoors.
Yeah, my mum won't let me wear high heels.
I've got to be reserve because I'm not there all the time.
I heard this on the radio.
- Thank you. - Nice catch.
Excuse me.
Hi. I've been assigned this room.
You need to leave.
Oh, wow, communal.
Well, it's bed number five or the corridor. Your choice, mate.
Move your stinking socks, Drippy.
Gross.
You lock away your chocolate?
Key information, if it's the Wagon Wheel versus the Rolex,
the Wagon Wheel is going to trounce it every time.
- What's a Wagon Wheel? - Jesu Christi, you have not lived!
- Ew! That's carbs and sugar. - What a revelation. I had no idea.
- What the bleep is that? - None of your bleeping business.
It's an iPhone.
Good luck getting a signal. We only have two hot spots that work round here.
Maybe you should try entering the 21st century, Buck Rogers.
This place is medieval. It's imperative that I make my phone calls.
It's pointless anyway. We're only allowed mobiles on weekends.
How am I supposed to call my therapist?
She's joking, right? Oh, sweetheart, this is not Beverly Hills, 90210.
Just put it away before Matron catches you.
- Where's your trunk? - Hasn't been delivered yet.
No.
No, no, no. Not the new season Gucci. No. The Choos. No!
This is all only hand-washable. This is ridiculous.
- Why... - What? I might get thirsty.
You know, in the UK we have this amazing thing. It's called a tap.
Welcome back, girls.
Oh, good, staff. How quickly can you get all this stuff cleaned?
- Is she... - American.
Oh, yes, we had one of those in 1997. Not good.
Accustom her to my rules, and she should be in the correct uniform for a start.
Mobile phones, please, girls.
Thank you, Kiki. Thank you, Josie. Thank you, Kate.
Whoa! Hands off, mama. I said, hands off.
I am Scottish, not remedial.
Good, then you understand. Line dry, press, no starch, and no creases.
How dare you? No mufti for a week.
Fine. Mufti may be your thing, lady, but it sure ain't mine.
- She means no home clothes for a week. - Like I give a shit.
- I'll be gone by then. - Language!
Two Sundays detention. For the whole dorm.
I'll deal with this. Look, hey. Hey.
Here's a Ben Franklin. Why don't you go out and buy yourself...
Well, anything. Whatever you get will be a serious improvement.
Three Sundays. For everyone.
- Thanks a lot for that, you utter moron. - What are you, mental?
What? She was a grade one a-hole with a severe attitudinal problem.
The bell's going to go in a minute. Just put your uniform on.
Now!
You will never get away with that uniform, for start,
and FYI, no drinking, no smoking, no alcohol.
No fireworks, no dangerous weapons, no illegal drugs.
If you have a problem with someone, no random bitching. Structure your point.
No Web surfing, no bullying.
So, if you behave like an arsehole, we all suffer, so do not get us in your shit
- or we will break you. - Oh, I'm scared.
- Hi, Kate. Hi, how are you? Hi, Kate! - Hello.
What are you, like, prom queen or something?
Kate's got a terrible affliction.
You're actually lucky that you don't have it. It's called popularity.
Hey, get up. Wait for Mrs. Kingsley and the prefects.
Screw them.
That's physical abuse. I'm calling my lawyer.
With what?
Well, hello, Freddie.
How kind of you to grace us with your gorgeous presence.
And cue Harriet in three, two, one...
- Subject's moved in on target. - And we have contact.
- Walk, Annabelle. - Walk, Annabelle.
I love that Freddie's always here at the beginning of term.
Such a perfect welcome back.
- So, who is Freddie? - Mrs. Kingsley's son.
Devastating heartthrob. Won't look at any of us since he got caught
playing doctors and nurses with a girl in the third grade when he was 11.
Massive hoo-hah.
- They're not together now, though. - 'Cause of her massive hoo-hah?
No. Fraternizing is forbidden.
Here you go.
- I can't eat this. - Anorexia or bulimia?
Because if it's bulimia we'd rather you didn't eat other people's birthday cake
on their birthdays. It's such a waste.
Actually, I'm a pescetarian Monday through Wednesday,
fruitarian Thursday through Sunday and vegetarian always.
For what we are about to receive...
Amen.
- Get out of the way! - Hey, watch the shmere, girlfriend.
Two hundred goats died for this.
We meet again. How sublime. Learn the rules.
When it comes to right of way, there is a hierarchy.
Teachers, prefects, scholars, dogs, vermin, Americans.
Kate? See to it she falls in line.
What is this place? Hogwarts?
- Bedtime, girls. - Night.
The correct school uniform. Wear it. Bed.
Poppy Moore, bed! Now!
Right.
Translation today, everyone. So, PDF, pretty damn straightforward.
Ergo, which means? Anyone? Ergo?
- Oh, Mr. Nellist. - Yes, Drippy.
- "Er, leave"? - Luddite. No, it means therefore, Drippy.
Therefore, you'll probably finish early, which means that you'll have lots of time
to ask me questions about my trip to Champagne with my girlfriend.
Now, sadly, my ex-girlfriend. Though she was my girlfriend at the time.
Put the headphones on, please.
Hi, guys. You don't happen to have any eyebrow tint, do you?
No.
Do you guys have any eyebrow tints?
Apparently, California girls wax their bums.
What? Why?
To look Brazilian. Makes it more attractive.
If you say so.
- Do you think she's done it? - Hundred percent.
She's definitely done the missionary and almost certainly the Lebanese fulcrum.
- I can tell. - How?
From the angle of her hips.
Can I help you?
- Is there a problem? - How many boys have you shagged?
Well, there was Brandon, eight-pack. Chase, jock.
Tyler. Bajillionaire. Derek. He was Kelly Slater's cousin.
And, oh, Jack. He was all-around sick.
- Christ. - I mean sick body, sick mind.
- Shit! Kate! - Sorry, Drip. - It looked lighter on the box.
That is butters. Better not stop me pulling at the social.
Honey, eyebrows are the least of your worries.
Lights out, girls. Everyone into bed.
- Night, Matron. - Night.
- Hey, switch that off! - No wireless. Should have known.
Internet is only allowed in the computer room.
Whoa! We are not allowed out of bed after lights out.
- Oh, look. They're not out. - Hey!
- What are you doing? Get back into bed! - Come back.
Dear Ruby, oh, my God.
Two weeks in this place and I'm going out of my mind.
These girls are all ugly losers who think a mani-pedi
is some kind of Latin greeting.
Mmm!
Ew.
- Come on! Fire practice! - Shit!
Remove yourselves to the quad immediately.
Come on. You know the drill, for goodness sakes.
Come on, stop being so slovenly. Hurry up. Kiki.
Come on, girls! Hurry up!
What if there was a real fire? We'll all be burned to a crisp.
Hey, who's there?
Poppy.
- Last name? - Moore. Poppy Moore, sir.
Well, Moore, Poppy Moore, this is a fire practice.
- Sorry, I'm new here. - Yes, that's obvious.
But weren't you listening in physics class?
Fire tends to be hot, and the point is to avoid it.
Okay. Where do I go?
Out the door, turn left, and down the stairs.
Run towards the bright orange flickery thing. Right?
- Oh, and try not to get caught. - Excellent point, sir.
Lovely, Harriet.
Ew!
Crack on, team. Lovely stick work, Harriet.
Hi.
- Hello, Mr. Nellist. - Hello, hello.
Well, super, super effort.
We may not win the championships, but we'll win a lot of friends, yeah?
So bloody English.
Really. And you could do better?
Laugh it up, but I could whip all of your asses blindfolded.
This I'd love to see.
Oh, it's on like Donkey Kong. Do your worst, horse face.
Foul! Body check. Body check!
Please!
- Perfectly legal. - Shouldn't you guys be in bikinis for that?
Hi, Fredster. Dig the car.
- Hello, Moore. Poppy Moore. - Hi.
Hey!
Bye.
Ooh, do you love Fredster?
- Do you want to kiss Fredster on the lips? - Don't be so immature.
Don't try and hide it, honey. We've got ourselves a SULA.
Sweaty Upper Lip Alert.
How on Earth did Freddie know her name? You may depart.
- But, I still have to turn down your bed. - Get out!
I don't understand. Freddie's got a crush on me.
Why was he looking at her?
He was looking at her so he didn't come across as looking at you.
He needs to be careful. He can't get caught.
Yeah, and if he looked at you too much, he wouldn't be able to control himself.
Like, when I have to look sad, I think about horses being slaughtered.
So to Freddie, Poppy's the equivalent of a slaughtered horse.
You're probably right.
But we're going to have to do something about little Miss USA.
She needs a lesson in exactly who's boss, methinks.
We think so, too.
- I didn't start it. It wasn't my fault. - Go out and close the door.
But you asked to see me.
Yes, well, you have to knock before you enter.
I can't believe it. This is all horse face's fault!
Who is it?
Jesus Christ!
Oh, dear. We were led to believe you had a beard and sandals.
Now, we'll have to change that stained-glass window in the school chapel.
Look, I didn't start it, it wasn't my fault,
and if this were America, I would sue.
That girl is a grade one a-hole with a severe attitudinal problem.
I know perfectly well what happened, Poppy.
Then why isn't Harriet here too?
Because, unsurprisingly, it's you I want to talk to.
Look, I know it's very difficult being the only new girl in your year.
You mean, the only normal girl.
- What do you like to read, Poppy? - OK Magazine, People, Us Weekly.
Well, might you be able to tackle such a thing as a book?
- I prefer movies. - Well, my personal library
seems to be missing the book version of Freaky Friday.
So, perhaps you might try this.
Oh, my uncle's producing the film version.
Alice in Wonderland was originally a book.
You might surprise yourself and actually enjoy it.
This is my punishment?
This school is so weird.
What do you want to get out of this school, Poppy?
To get out of this school.
You know, this school has produced absolutely nobody of note.
Our leading light was the girl who was Princess Diana's foot doctor.
So, if your aim is to make the pages of Us Weekly,
then this isn't the place for you.
What we do produce are smart, independent, free-thinking,
good-hearted girls who remain friends for life.
The kind of girl that, behind all your wisecracks, I know you are.
Run along now, I must get on. My in-tray is piling up.
Not brown enough. More coffee.
More elbow grease.
You're aging these clothes, not stirring your tea.
I need complete authenticity.
Charlotte heard Freddie say I looked exactly like Keira Knightley.
Right! That's done. Empty the water.
Not that way, fool. You'll spill it. Out the window.
- Out the window? - Just get on with it.
Are you sure?
So sorry. Just can't trust the help these days.
Do you have a pass to be out during lessons?
- Oh, yeah, I do. It's right here! - Well, don't walk on the grass.
For the tenth time, you need to make your bed.
Jesus. What's so bloody hard? Pick up. Put down. It's not rocket science.
Sit down. I'll do that.
Thanks.
You're freezing. You need a jumper.
Whatever that is, I don't think I have one.
I don't think I have anything thicker than prosciutto.
Thanks. I didn't really come prepared. Didn't figure I'd be here this long.
Nothing worse than the only message you get all day being from the phone company.
But Matron took all the phones.
No. She took all your phones. She took our decoys.
She has no idea that none of them work. We keep our real phones hidden.
Here. Call your parents. Call your therapist. Knock yourself out.
But why would you do this for me? You think I'm a total asshole.
No, you behave like an arsehole. There's a difference.
Look, I know that I'm not some Malibu therapist,
but I can guess that you're feeling scared and a little bit homesick.
Which, in my experience, doesn't actually make you a bad person. Just a normal one.
Sweet photo.
Is it your mum?
She going to come out and visit?
She died in a car accident when I was 11.
Oh.
Poppy, I'm so sorry.
I know you're not some Malibu therapist, but...
Listen.
- Are you serious about getting out of here? - Yeah.
Then, you're going to have to get yourself expelled.
Okay.
"Anybody disporting themselves in an improper manner will be proposed
- "for expulsion before the Honor Court." - Wait. Honor Court?
It's like a trial in front of the whole school
by your peers, your teachers, the Head Girl, and Mrs. Kingsley.
But I'm telling you, it hardly ever happens.
If you really want to get expelled, you can't just rock the boat.
You have to drive it up onto the rocks,
set fire to the galley and dance on the burning deck.
- You have to take it all the way. - Aye, aye, Captain.
Make your calls.
Tip for best reception. On top of the cupboard.
Hi, Ruby. I miss you. I'm going to escape, though. I promise you.
You have no idea what it's like here.
Ew! Who is she?
Zero lip gloss upkeep, and what's with the sweater from Target?
I wish you could come and rescue me.
She is such a romantic, Roddy.
Take care of Roddy for me.
You already have. Let's hit the pool.
Watch it, Wee Willie Winkie, you'll set us all alight.
Now, I've had a word with the girls.
True, some of them took a little more convincing than others.
But it's decided. We're going to help you.
We're your very own crack unit. Operation Freedom.
- Kiki, please explain. - Right.
We'll commence with an entry-level basic favorite. Just to get warmed up.
- It smells like pee in here. - Does not smell like pee.
But it's no good just playing the same old tricks.
Try to be as imaginative as possible.
Only do things that will get you noticed. Vary your targets as much as you can.
And although we'll all be helping you, the important thing to remember...
Harriet!
Is that you have to get the blame for everything.
Run along.
Speaking.
Headphones on, girls.
Come on, everybody. Don't run too fast in your flip-flops. We'll just jump in,
have a quick paddle about, warm up, then have tea and crumpets, yes?
Yes, I'm in school right now.
Regulation uniform. Skirt just below the knee.
Of course.
They are a simple polyester. Sturdy and practical.
No, I have certainly not been naughty. My disciplinary record is exemplary.
Are you okay?
Get out. Get out!
Please, get out.
Yes, thank you very much. That's it. Thank you.
If you make enough of a nuisance of yourself...
Poppy Moore!
She will eventually bow to pressure, and she'll have to call your father.
Naturally I'll call her father, but she's had a difficult time.
No, Sara, please. It's all right, dear.
- Mr. Nellist. - Sorry.
And then, with any luck, she'll recommend you to the Honor Court.
Unbe-bloody-lievable!
She's got more lives than a Buddhist cat.
Kingsley's not even mentioned Honor Court.
- I think people are starting to like her. - People?
People can learn to get used to rotting pig's vomit
- if they live with it for long enough. - Maybe she's trying to leave.
It'd be a nightmare if she stayed. She makes a mockery of the system.
She's not staying. Take it from me.
Five generations of my family have made this school great.
The school motto is scholarship, fellowship, loyalty.
Not be a slutty, whore-y shit-brain.
So brilliante, Harriet.
Mr. Nellist, don't cry. Maybe a tissue.
I can't stand her. It's driving me crazy.
Perhaps a strong cup of tea. I'm only sorry it can't be something stronger.
Cup of tea.
Come on, quick.
- Quick. Give me the tape. - Give me the tape. - Quick.
Pull the button off.
- Oh, my God. There's a car. - Quick.
Whoa! It's all right, Cerberus. Only me.
- Who's Cerberus? - The dog that guards the gates of hell.
- Go, go. Get away. - Hurry up. Or you'll disturb my girls.
Sorry, terrible allergies.
Oh, sorry. Better an empty house than an angry tenant, right?
I don't get it. It's like you've got immunity.
Your dad's a Mafia guy or something.
Yup. I'm the Goddaughter.
Whatever it is, she's cutting you a lot of slack.
We need to up the ante. In fact, we need to focus on her big weakness.
Oh, my God. You have to snog Freddie.
Snog? That sounds disgusting. What is that?
- It's English for make out. - Mrs. Kingsley will go ballistic.
- And Harriet would have an absolute fit. - Well, that's a definite bonus.
- And he'll be at the social. - Cool.
Just remember, the point is to get caught.
All right, so, what's the deal with the social?
It's the school dance on Saturday night.
Traditionally, it's fancy dress. This year, it's Movie Magic.
But the only ones who bother to dress up are teachers, morons, and Harriet.
I say we dress up fancy. Real fancy.
This mission needs to be planned precisely.
- Kiki? - Okay.
Operation Freedom, part two, step one. Attract Freddie.
Step one, subsection A, look the part.
Kiki, you're actually making something quite exciting sound like physics homework.
Basically, we're going into town, and we're going to get some killer outfits.
I want something that says, "Elegant",
"but at the same time incredibly slutty and available."
In fact, I'm not that bothered about elegant.
So apparently, the key is to hook up with the headmistress' son.
I'll do your trick, Rubes. Swing my hips and giggle.
Oh, come on, Poppy. We're going to miss the bus.
Don't forget to log off now, you ninny.
Everyone, sign out. Remember you are representatives of the school.
- Sign your own name. Come on. - Poppy Moore. What are you wearing?
You are going into town, not appearing in a window in Amsterdam.
- Change immediately. - I don't have anything else.
I thought you might be quite concerned by that attire, Matron.
So we had a little look-see in lost property on our way here.
- Didn't we? - We did.
It'll suit you.
Promise.
Well, that's cute. My grandma used to have a dog just like it.
Poppy, I think your jumper is the cat's pajamas.
Come on, girls. In you go. Hurry up. Upstairs.
Don't push. Don't push. Plenty of room. Come on. Here we go.
- Come on, Poppy! Jump! - Poppy! Jump!
I can't find my sanitizer! I can't find my sanitizer!
- You left it in the dorm! - Oh, my God, no!
Ew!
Oh, my God, look.
- Oh, hello. - Hi.
Ew! Gross!
- Where are we going? - To our favorite shop.
Cancer research?
Girls, I'm all about finding a cure, but considering I flunked chemistry,
I don't know how much help I'm going to be. And BTW, which, FYI, means "By the way",
- this is supposed to be shopping time. - We're not going to be doing the research.
This is a charity shop. The money goes to charity.
Oh, I just had a heart palpitation.
You guys are so adorable, but we need to look really hot for the social.
- So let's go hit Oxford Street. - I take it you flunked geography, too.
Oxford Street is in London, my friend. This is your lot.
- Josie, take that big bra off my head. - No!
- Hey, Kate! What about this for Ascot? - Magnificent.
Is this too workaday?
Come on now, girls. This is a serious mission. Get a move on.
Now, Poppy, how about something like this? Fifty pence.
It looks like someone died in it. I'd rather stay the Yorkshire Terrier freak.
You're a Buddhist, right? Think of it as clothing reincarnation.
Honey, even Buddha wouldn't be caught dead in half this stuff.
Still, I guess anything's possible. Come on. Let's do this.
Unbelievable. This season Marni. It's sophisticated, it's elegant.
- Hot to trot? - Check.
If we could just call this stuff vintage and add three zeros to the price tag,
I could totally get into it.
Perfection. Operation Freddie is well and truly underway.
Malibu moment. Remember what I taught you guys?
- Who are we? - Who are we?
I think he's down, the Penny Black. Yes, dated pre-war.
- Really stupid ones. - Oh, my God. It's Tom Cruise.
Would you like to say that any louder? I need your help.
And I need a back wax and a night with Michael Buble,
but we don't always get what we want. Trudy, attend to the brows.
Yorkie fan. It's a nice dog, Yorkie. I used to have one once. Wee Phillippe.
Got savaged to death by a badger.
- Aren't you the soufflé that didn't arise. - Tell me about it. Okay.
I need these extensions taken out, a seriously deep conditioning.
I'm thinking side bangs with some buttery highlights,
and maybe a few honey tones.
And I'd like a night on Fireman Island, but I'm afraid I'm whistling Dixie, okay?
So here's what's on offer for you.
- A tight perm. - No.
How about this? A wee bob. That's fun, isn't it?
- No. - Okay. What about this?
Oh, a pineapple.
- Oh, Hawaii. - No.
What about something a little bit more natural?
- Natural? - Aye. The real you.
- Natural it is. - Radical.
Okay. Ladies, let's do this.
Oh, right now, we're gonna need that, that, that.
Oh, no, I... Don't look at... That's nof mine. Nope.
Hey, Mummy. Two strong teas, please, bella, pronto!
Don't you look at me like that.
Nix that.
You ready? Okay.
- Et voilà. - Wow. Thank you.
You're welcome, darling.
I'm cream-crackered. I'll lay down and have a wee satsuma.
- You look so... - English.
- I look like my mom. - Is she beautiful, too?
- She was. Very. - Sorry. Foot-in-mouth disease.
- Okay. Time for the juice. Any bright ideas? - Leave it to me. I've got a plan.
So, Susan, do you like your new office?
I don't know what's worse, my job or that husband of mine.
Keith from Accounts is driving me crazy.
He wants that report on his desk by Thursday.
What's the report about?
- Business. - What?
Do you want to buy a carpet tomorrow?
Yes. After I've dropped the kids off at the pool.
In my saloon car.
Two bottles of Grizinski and one of Donmatsa, please.
And two Creme Eggs, please.
Why did you order the Creme Eggs, you idiot?
Why did you only get two, Drippy? Now, we've got to quarter them.
- He believed us till then. - Oh, yeah, right.
Maybe if you hadn't asked me what Keith's report was about. Where's Poppy?
- Are you okay? - I'm furious. Stupid Drippy.
I know. Never mind. Let's go.
Would you boys like a drink? Now, anybody here? Come on.
Hello, hello.
Name's Nellist. Roger Nellist. License to deejay.
Gosh, you look like James Bond.
I reckon you might like a fruit punch.
Oh, I'll have it shaken and not stirred.
Why aren't you dancing?
They're all dressed up, waiting for you over there.
Mr. Nellist.
- Harriet's coming. - Harriet's coming.
Right, yes, yes, yes.
Mr. Darcy.
What undue pleasure it is to be afforded your company.
- Hi. - You may only call me Mrs. Darcy
when you are completely, perfectly, incandescently happy.
Okay. Cool.
Freddie, it's me.
Of course, Harriet.
Okay, Poppy, let's get Freddie.
Lips, hips, hips, and butt.
- Hi. - Hello, trouble. I like your hair.
What are you doing? This is a themed costume party,
not a dwarf prostitutes' convention.
I'm so sorry. I must say that you look incredible.
You make an excellent Shrek. This is my favorite song. Come on.
Yeah, go on, Poppy.
Go, girlfriend. That is entirely wicked.
- Hey, you okay? - You're awesome.
Is she okay? Shall I call an ambulance? You can be sick in my hands if you'd like.
She's acting like she's drunk. She should be taken to bed.
- Freddie can do the honors. - You really are a horridious piece of work.
Mr. Darcy doesn't think so.
She's just a little concussed. She just needs some air.
- Great idea. - Come on.
She's up to something. Follow them. Report back to me.
- So, explain yourself, Miss Moore. - "I'm afraid I can't explain myself, sir,
"because I am not myself right now, you see."
- Said Alice to the Caterpillar. - You're right. How did you know?
I was Alice in the school play. All boys, before you look at me weirdly.
Hey.
You so don't need to play hard to get. I'm totally into you.
Hey, come on. Calm down.
Okay. Leading lady, all-boys school, awkward with intimacy.
Cards on the table. Are you gay?
Just English.
And I am sober and sensible, and you, my sweet friend,
are overexcited and concussed.
I go back to school tomorrow, but I'll be back on the 18th.
How about I see you then?
- Okay. - I'll make a deal.
No more head-fry behavior. I sense it might be your forte.
I won't fry your head if you don't poach my heart.
Deal.
Crap. Tweedledum and Tweedledee.
Fraternizing with the girls, Freddie Kingsley, as you are well aware,
- is not allowed. - Poppy Moore, get back inside. Immediately.
- Tell Harriet. - She won't just shoot the messenger,
she'll skin us alive first.
- Me think not. - We think not.
Nice work, Kate.
So, is Operation Freddie well and truly underway?
God knows. Harriet didn't come,
so it just depends on whether Tweedledum or Tweedledee decides to tell her.
- There's nothing to worry about. - Clearly not. Right.
We're going to have to come up with an addendum to Plan B.
Isn't it ironic how my ticket out of here just might be the reason I want to stay?
I mean, one of the reasons, anyways.
Someone call Al Gore. I think the ice queen is melting.
What an excellent night.
Eight boys have actually come up and directly spoken to me.
Now, for all you lovers out there.
It's your final chance. It's the last dance.
- Come on. - Come on.
- Last dance, everybody! Come on! - There's something I have to tell you.
We already know. You wax your bum.
- Not quite, but similar ballpark. - You haven't done it, have you?
No. I mean, I couldn't admit it back home, so I kind of lied, but I'm a total nun.
Welcome to the nunnery.
I'm loving angels instead.
Come on, girls. If we lose today we're out of the championships again.
Perhaps you'd like to explain last night to me. Kate?
I'm sorry. We just got a little bit carried away.
Well, as I understand it, Drippy got totally carried away
by Mr. Nellist and Miss Rees-Withers after she lay in a pool of her own vomit.
Actually, it was Kate's vomit, Mrs. Kingsley. I was just lying in it.
I expect better of you two.
You know the values we stand for at Abbey Mount.
As for you, Poppy, I don't know whether to be pleased
that you've finally made some friends here, or furious that you've led them astray.
Dismissed.
Not you, Miss Moore.
I gave your father my word that I'd try and help you,
but I'll be honest, you're making it awfully difficult.
You're cleverer and better than this, Poppy.
Why don't you give yourself a chance? Try.
Try at something. Show him that you can rise to the occasion.
Because judging by the outfits you created last night,
when you put your mind to something, you can do it.
Don't give up on yourself.
Because I haven't. And neither has your father.
Now off you go.
I really do feel sick.
- What did she want? - Nothing. Just a good spa destination.
Come on, guys.
God, I feel really vile.
I think I'm going to puke. Seriously, Poppy, you're gonna have to take my place.
There's only seven minutes left.
Oh, cripes!
- Poppy can take my place. - Don't worry, Miss Rees-Withers.
We'll play one man down. We don't want to carry dead weight.
- No offense. - None taken.
But seeing as how you don't want me playing on your team,
well, I'm frigging playing.
Into the bucket.
Josie, on the wing! Poppy, go long!
All right. Wow, okay.
Let's just pretend the ball is the last size five pair of Manolos at Barneys.
Okay.
Let's pull it out the bag. Offense. Yeah. Eyes on the prize. Josie, come on.
Eye on the prize. Oh, my God. Okay. Josie, help!
Poppy, roll over it and pick it up!
Yeah! You go, girlfriend.
You dunk that bitch. You see the goal, Josie.
Focus, focus. Do you see the goal?
Way to go!
And finally, in news as shocking as the fall of the Berlin Wall,
our under-18 lacrosse team
has gone through to the second round of the county championships
for the first time since 1976.
To sign up for extra practice, please see Harriet...
My apologies. No, it seems you should see Poppy Moore.
All right, people. Choose a goal buddy.
From now on each sentence starts with "I will," not "I want to."
I will want to saliva vomit if we have to call each other buddy.
Shut up. Hit it. I'm giving us an aggression makeover.
Go, go! Crawl, crawl, crawl! Who is that, Kiki? Kiki!
Get it! That's okay. Pick it up, scoop it!
Pass it, pass it. Come on, faster, faster, faster!
This is ridiculous. Come on, play like you mean it, maybe try.
Call the ball. "Mine." "I got it." "Your ball."
- Come on, Josie. - Josie, you're pretty good.
- Josie... - Pass the ball!
Go on, Kate! Go on! Shoot!
Congratulations once again to our under-18 lacrosse team
who beat Bodley Girls on Saturday, 5-2. Well done.
Come on, you guys! Come on, up and together.
Come on, shake it like this, Kiki. Come on, come on. What is this?
Go! Go! Come on, Josie!
Come on. Quicker, quicker, quicker!
- Josie, come on! Yeah! - Kiki! Go, your ball!
Shoot, Kiki, shoot!
And the groundbreaking news
is that Abbey Mount is through to the lacrosse championship final.
Dear Ruby, today's my big date with the headmistress' son, Freddie.
Wish me luck, I may be out of here before you know it.
Lover boy's waiting outside for you.
But remember, you want someone to catch you out.
- So stay near school, and good luck. - Thanks. Fingers crossed.
Freddie Kingsley. Nice to finally see you when I'm not delirious or half naked.
Don't speak too soon.
And is it wrong for me to say that I'm just a teeny bit disappointed?
- Come on, trouble. Let's hit the road. - Hey, I thought maybe we could
take a romantic stroll around the school grounds.
And get caught? Are you out of your mind?
Call me old-fashioned, but I actually do quite like living.
I thought you said you could drive.
It's not my fault your stupid car doesn't work.
- Have you ever thought of changing gears? - That's the car's job.
Turn right here.
- We drive on the left in this country. - Whatever.
And so I threw the whole lot over the cliff.
My dad went mental, as Drippy would say. Drippy says I was crazy,
but Kate said she would have done exactly the same in my position.
Sorry, chattering away like this. Feel free to shut me up.
Well, remind me never to get on your bad side.
But the thing is, I'm pretty sure you don't have one.
- Here you go, trouble. - Bread and fries, that's my treat?
If I affect your life in no other way,
then allow me this honor, the humble chip butty.
Here we go.
Kind of gross, but I like it.
You know, this is one of the best dates I...
The best date I've ever had.
There's something about you, Poppy Moore.
Every moment I'm with you, I catch my breath.
Clutch.
Guys. Guess what? You'll never believe it.
- What happened? - "Dear Ruby,
"you cannot imagine how retarded these idiots are."
"They're a bunch of ugly losers who think a mani-pedi is a Latin greeting."
"I despise these village idiots,"
"but I have to pretend to like them so they'll help me get out of this hell hole."
"I tried doing it on my own, and it was impossible."
"Still, they're so thick they'll never realize."
"I'll be out of this asylum by the end of term."
I didn't write that. Hardly any of it, just the loser part.
- But that was weeks ago. - Well, it's dated today.
And it's from your e-mail address.
- Where did you get it? - It was taped to the door.
You're a seriously horridious cow.
Come on, guys.
- You have to believe me. - Just forget it, okay?
- Why would you do that? - You can't believe I actually wrote this.
All we did was to try to make your life here happier, Poppy.
I thought we were friends.
So, all I have to do is hook up with the headmistress' son,
and it's a sure thing that they expel me.
He's a total English dweeb. Pretty gross but an easy target.
Give me a week, tops.
I can explain.
Please, I really need to talk to you.
Can't right now. You know, the limo's coming in five,
and I have nada to wear.
- Where are you going? - Nick's house.
Not the Jimmy Choos. They don't match, for Christ's sake.
Rubes, I just need some advice. Something really bad has happened.
Crap. Fashion emergency. Got to go. See you soon as.
- Love you. - Love you more.
Sorry, Roddy. Couldn't get rid of her. What was I saying?
- Roddy? Babe? - No, Ruby. Still me. Babe.
Shit.
Kate. Kate, quick. Wake up.
- What's wrong now? - I didn't mean to do it.
It was an accident. I thought I put it out. I thought I'd stopped it.
I don't know what happened. I didn't want to hurt anybody.
Jesus, Poppy. You're a proper psycho.
Help me get everyone up before it spreads.
Josie. Josie, get up. Josie, there's a fire. Get up.
Fire! Fire, everyone get up!
Fire! It's a real fire! Get out of bed! Get up, it's a fire.
This isn't a practice. You guys, get up.
Come on, darling, get up. It's a fire, it's not a drill.
- Josie... - No, I'm not getting up!
Get up, we're on fire!
It's a real fire! Please, everybody get up!
- Phoebe Faircloff. - Here.
- Susan Casey. - Here.
Let me out! Let me out!
Check the pressure on tank three.
Charlie, take the first position.
- Daisy Bevin? - Here.
- Can't hear you, Daisy. - Here.
Jennifer Logan.
Jennifer? Has anyone seen Drippy?
Come on, girls! Who was the last person to see Drippy?
Freezer. Drippy's in the freezer!
Poppy, come back.
- Stay back, girls. - Stop her!
Drippy! Drippy!
Drippy!
What's going on?
You're a very foolish, very brave girl.
All right, off to the ambulance now.
My God.
- What do you think happened? - Don't know yet.
We're lucky, could've been a lot worse.
- Well done, Poppy. - You saved us. You were brilliant.
- Hey. I believe this is yours. - Thank you.
Do you realize you could have killed her?
Thank you. Well done. Thanks, Poppy.
- You could have killed all of us. - Didn't mean to.
I thought I'd stopped it. I swear.
I don't understand. I heard footsteps, and then I put it out.
I was just so upset at everything, and I wish I hadn't done it.
I really wish you hadn't done it, too.
Someone here knows exactly what happened last night.
What we're clear on is that this fire was no accident.
If you have the sense to own up, no legal charges will be filed.
If not, it will be passed on to the local authorities.
You have until the end of the day to come forward.
Dear Freddie, how can I begin to say I'm sorry?
You are good and honest and true, and, well, I'm the opposite.
But I'm learning. So now I'm going to do the right thing.
And if it means I have to leave here,
I just want you to know, I promise you I never wrote that e-mail.
For a moment there, yeah, you were my ticket out of here.
But then I got to know you.
I have never felt this way before about anyone
and I really need you to know that.
Come in.
Oh, what can I do for you, Poppy?
It's what I used to start it. It was an accident, and I thought I put it out.
But I guess not. Obviously not.
Oh, Poppy.
You realize what this means, don't you?
- Will I be expelled? - The Honor Court will decide,
but I suspect you'll understand that it's just a formality at this point.
The weird thing is I really did try to turn it around.
I didn't want to disappoint you. I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry, too.
Do you think maybe you could give this to Freddie for me?
I told her it was me.
I'm going to the Honor Court, and then I'll be leaving.
So, this is for you.
Well done. You finally got what you wanted. You must be overjoyed.
- I couldn't be more unhappy. - Please. Give it a rest.
Mom?
- Hey, I've been looking for you. - Hi.
- So you backed out of our deal. - What deal?
- That you won't fry my head. - Yeah.
But you poached my heart.
Hey. Come on.
What if it doesn't have a moral? Or says Alice.
I think I just fell down the rabbit hole and found it.
Look.
- She looks exactly like you. - Yeah. She was my mom.
She went to this school. I didn't even know.
Well, guess it's time to face the music now.
Josie, I'm never wrong. When am I ever wrong?
You're wrong when we did the math challenge.
Hey! She's confessed. She's going to Honor Court this afternoon.
- That's brave. - And really stupid.
Because guess what I've discovered.
It is with great regret and sadness that we call the Honor Court to session.
The e-mails were sent 11:40 in the morning. But according to Drippy,
Poppy left the computer room a few minutes after 11:00.
I got my 11:00 Wagon Wheel, then I went to tell her Freddie was waiting.
She left immediately.
I was able to access the keystroke order of the root file
to find out who else was logged on there then.
- And guess who the only other person was? - Who?
It will henceforth be our job to objectively
and dispassionately ascertain what happened that fateful night
that will hence to forth long blight the memory of this proud institution.
And when you think about it, Poppy would never say "term."
She calls it a bloody samosa or something.
- "Semester." - Whatever. Anyway, to check the reality,
I had a sneaky look in her diary for Friday's entry.
- Don't do that. - Shut up and listen.
"I think, deep breath, I kind of love them like proper friends I've known forever.
"They've made me say words like "horridious" and "herbal".
"Which is sort of whack, and I'd probably hate them if I wasn't one of them."
"But I like that I am now one of them."
Apart from some atrocious spelling mistakes,
it's all a bit more kosher, don't you think?
And now she's going to get thrown out.
It is your duty
to understand the dark forces that drove a seemingly...
Harriet? May I remind you that the honor court
is no place for your personal grandstanding,
and that Poppy has a right to speak in her own defense
before the court as a whole passes judgment?
Thank you, Mrs. Kingsley.
I won't insult everybody by trying to defend myself or my actions.
So, I think it's safe to say that I've really messed up.
And I apologize profusely. But I'm also so grateful to you all.
I tried really hard to get out of this school,
and only now do I realize just how much I want to stay.
I've learned so much being here. Being with all of you.
And in some ways being with my mom,
who I found out was actually a student here.
I've had a hole in my heart for five years,
and somehow being here, it slowly started to heal.
I know I may have looked like a California girl,
but in my heart I've discovered that I really am an Abbey Mount girl.
Objection! Sustained.
The court will heretofore disregard the previous statement
and perhaps heretofore we can begin the real business.
Can you tell us, in your own words,
where were you on the aforementioned evening of...
Honestly, Harriet. Who else's words do you expect her to use?
- Just leave this to me. - Right. Sustained.
Poppy, were you in the cook's sitting room on the night of the fire?
Yes, I was.
- Were you there with permission? - No. I was not.
- Quiet, please. Silence in court. - Did you intend on starting a fire?
- Not really. - Objection!
- Does the defendant mean yes or no? - Harriet.
It means no, I had no intention of actually doing it.
- Was anyone else with you? - Not as far as I know.
I was.
- I was. - I was.
I was.
Objection! Stop! Order!
- I was. - Stop it!
- Come on. - I was.
This is ridiculous! What are you all doing? You're lying.
- They're lying, Mrs. Kingsley. - Harriet, you're going down, biatch.
This is a conspiracy. You can't expel the whole year,
- and they know that. - Be quiet, Harriet! Sit down, everyone.
It's a black-and-white case. She has to be expelled.
The girl set fire to the school, endangering all our precious lives.
She walked in there, lighter at the ready, and tried to burn the place down.
- Lighter? - Not now, Jane.
- Have respect for court protocol. - What lighter, Harriet?
Jesus, Charlotte, how daft can you possibly be?
That ridiculous "I heart LA" lighter of hers. She left it behind, for God's sakes.
Except, how do you know that, Harriet? No one's mentioned a lighter before.
What? Yes, they have.
- Objection. - Actually, Harriet, they haven't.
I have to second Jane's question, Harriet. How did you know about that lighter?
Well, I...
Freddie found the lighter before anyone saw it.
How could you possibly know unless... Unless you were there?
This is absurd. I refuse to sit here and listen to these wild...
I had put it out. And I heard footsteps. It must have been you.
Oh, my God. You restarted the fire, didn't you?
- Harriet, is this true? - Of course not.
It all makes sense now. I knew it. I think I'm innocent.
- We think so, too. - You're not!
You awful bitch!
You've turned this school upside down. You've ruined everything.
You started it. I only finished what you started!
Harriet? My office, now.
Okay, suckers, show time. Let's open a can of whoop-ass.
You can do it.
Let's go, Abbey Mount!
Come on, girls.
Take it. Come on!
Come on, guys. We can bring it back. Let's go.
You got it!
- Mrs. Kingsley? - Oh, Mr. Moore, you made it.
- Yes, I did. - Please, come and take a seat.
- Did I miss much? - Not at all.
- Where's Poppy? - She's right there.
She's the spitting image of her mother, isn't she?
She most certainly is.
Come on, Abbey Mount! Take it out there. Come on.
Come on, Abbey Mount. Let's go!
Two, four, six, eight Stowe girls are really great
I don't know. You're trying really hard. It's just great, great, great.
We're two-nil up. They've got no possession whatsoever.
All right, ladies. There's only one thing for it. Let's go.
Who are we?
- Abbey Mount! - Abbey Mount!
Who are we?
- Abbey Mount! - Abbey Mount!
What are we?
A leading single-sex school admitting boarders at age 11.
Wrong! We're winners!
- Come on! - Pass it, Poppy!
Come along, girls. Well done.
- Abbey Mount. - Abbey Mount.
Pass to Poppy, quick.
Come on, Poppy.
This is our last chance. Let's make it count!
Kiki!
Drippy!
Why would you pass it to me? Oh, my God. Okay. Somebody, help me.
Where is everyone? Who do I pass it to? Jane! Jane! Where are you?
- Yes! - They did it, they did it! Yes!
I told you, you could do it. I told you.
Poppy.
Dad? My dad! My dad! What are you doing here?
Mrs. Kingsley called. She told me you found out about Mom.
Why didn't you just tell me, Dad?
I'm sorry, Poppy. I thought it might make you too sad.
I did know that you needed to breathe a different kind of air, though.
Did I do the right thing?
You did. Did you know Mom was captain of the lacrosse team?
Yes.
And I also know that she is incredibly proud of you right now.
As am I.
Daddy, put your back into it.
Harriet. We think you forgot this.
Methinks so, too.
Mummy!
Who are we?
Fire!
Major bloody SULA.
- Who's Ruby? - Nobody.
Just some horridious cow I used to know.
- Can't do it. - No way!
You're completely insane.
- Are you guys ready? - No.
One.
- Two, three. - Two, three.