(CHALK SCRATCHING)
(CHILD LAUGHING)
(RUSTLING)
MALCOLM: Why isn't this stupid thing workin?
See, that's that bullshit.
I'm taking this shit right back to Best Buy.
Or not.
Stupid lens cap.
Wow!
Brand-new camera.
I'm filming everything with this.
Christmas, New Year's, vagina.
All right. Today is the big day.
My girlfriend Kisha's moving in.
Now, all my boys keep telling me, "Don't do it, don't do it,
because everything's gonna change."
"She's gonna take over your house."
"She's never gonna cook again."
"And worst of all,
you're putting your dick in jail."
I think they're trippin'.
Once she moves in, everything's gonna be perfect.
Place looks nice.
Baby boy cleaned up for you, huh?
(THUDS) Oh, shit!
Rosa!
(SHOUTING IN SPANISH)
Hey, you gotta announce yourself.
You can't just creep up on me. (SPANISH CONTINUES)
Aw, come on. This is my housekeeper, Rosa.
Say hi. Say hi. Say hi!
Hi! Hola. Say "Hola." Hola.
Bye-bye!
No, no. We gonna say hi the right way.
(SPEAKING SPANISH) (SPEAKING FAKE SPANISH)
Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay!
Do this. Oh!
I'm a big bambino?
(SPANISH)
You know I love you. (DOG BARKING)
Hey, Shiloh! Say hi to Mommy.
I'm gonna hump you on your leg, Kisha. That's right.
And I'm gonna lick you all over your face
with my dog-ball mouth.
(LAUGHS)
(HORN HONKING) Oh, shit. Here she comes.
Hi, baby!
Hey, baby! Hi!
(BARKING)
No, no, Shiloh! Wait! No, no, no, no!
(LOUD THUD) Shiloh! What did you do?
I didn't see him! What did you do?
I'm so sorry.
Oh, my God! (SCREAMS) (SHOUTING)
Shiloh, come on, breathe.
Maybe he's just playing dead.
He doesn't know how to play dead.
He knows how to shake hands. He knows how to fetch.
He knows how to roll over.
He don't know how to play dead.
Come on, Shiloh, breathe.
One, two, three. Breathe.
KISHA: Aww! (PANTING)
Give me the jumper cables. The jumper cables?
Give me the goddamn jumper cables!
Don't you die on me!
Start the car! (SPARKING)
Clear! Go!
(ENGINE REVS) Oh, shit!
(CRYING)
(WAILING)
Meet me at the hospital!
(BAWLING)
The hospital's that way!
Don't go towards the light, Shiloh!
(SOBS) You're in a better place now, buddy.
KISHA: I'm so, so sorry.
It's okay, baby.
It's... It's not your fault. Yes, it is.
You know, look... Look on the bright side.
I'm allergic to dogs.
I know, but that's what was so great about Shiloh.
He was hypoallergenic.
Shiloh!
(NERVOUS CHUCKLE)
(LOUD SOBBING)
(SOBBING CONTINUES)
Oh, my God! Look at all this shit.
Okay, Malcolm, this is the last box.
What's with the camera?
I'm documenting our lives together.
Say hi.
Hi! Okay. Mmm.
That ass lookin' nice, baby.
Hey, hey. Pan up, pan up. I see that.
Baby, you are officially a hoarder.
I swear to God, I'm gonna open one of these boxes
and find, like, a dead cat and an old baloney sandwich in it.
Ha, ha, ha. Very funny.
Oh, my God. Do you need these?
Yes! These are... For what?
These are good wedding shoes!
One to 10, what are you feeling right now about that?
Um, 8.7.
(GRUNTS) What do you feel about that? Nine. Nine.
That's a nine? Yes.
No, wait! Come on. Come on. What's this? Hold on.
This is a box that my aunt brought from Kenya.
This is a nine, too.
Oh, my God!
Say it.
Hi, my name is Kisha Davis, and I'm a hoarder.
There's shame.
Oh, wow.
Are these your daddy's ashes?
Yes, Malcolm. They go where I go.
So, we're gonna have his ghost watching over us?
That's comforting.
Just put him in the other room. He likes to watch TV.
He's dead. What's he gonna watch?
American Horror Story?
Okay, babe, these video games, they have to go.
Wait. Leave my video games alone. They're tacky.
Give me my camera!
Kisha, stop playing. You're gonna break it.
I'm not gonna break it. (SCREAMS) Give me my camera!
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
"Negra?" Did she just call me a nigger?
What? What? (SPANISH CONTINUES)
I will lambada your ass!
English! English! Speak English!
Baby. Baby. Baby!
You know she don't like me, right?
Oh, I know what's going on here.
Are you banging Rosa?
You got some Schwarzenegger stuff going on in here, right?
Really? Yeah, okay, yeah.
She's pregnant with my love child right now.
Yeah, we're gonna have a nappy-haired baby that speaks perfect Spanish.
(CHUCKLES) Come on. Think about it. (LAUGHS) Okay.
Mmm.
Hungry there, buddy? Mm-hmm.
You're over there eating like the Cookie Monster.
(LAUGHS)
Can I just enjoy my food, please?
Wow. Somebody's crabby.
I'm sorry. I'm just tired.
I haven't been sleeping well. I keep hearing these noises.
Scary.
Well, you don't have to be afraid, okay?
'Cause you're living with me now.
And nobody's gonna hurt you on my watch.
Okay? Okay.
Unless the nigger got a gun.
Then you on your own.
What?
(WOLF WHISTLE) Hey, baby, what you doin?
Well, it's time to put on something a little more comfortable.
Aha! That's what I'm talkin' about!
(LAUGHING)
Fellas, get out your pen and pads.
We about to give you a sex tutorial. Let's do this.
(R & B SONG PLAYING)
(BLOWS RASPBERRY)
(PANTING)
(MOANING)
Mmm. Oh.
Yeah.
Oh, you got the beat!
Oh! Stop. (SHUDDERING)
Stop. Not yet. Not... Ahh!
(PANTING)
You gonna bring a friend there, huh?
Ah. Ah.
Uh-huh? Watch that. Uh-huh.
Now you get some, yeah. Watch. Watch.
Ah, taste that.
Look at Daddy. Uh-huh.
(GRUNTING)
Two dogs, one duck.
Get it nasty. You nasty.
(DUCK HONKING)
Go home.
I want you by myself. Yeah.
(SIZZLING) Shh.
Oh. Oh, shit! That's still hot!
Shut up. Take it. You just take it.
(WHEEZING GRUNTS)
Take it, take it, take it.
Baby! Yeah, baby?
I cannot believe this is our first night living together!
Yeah. It's nice, huh? Uh-huh.
I can't wait to lie next to you.
Oh, me, too. Gotta go, baby.
(KISSES) It was fun.
Whoo!
Get in.
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
Here I come!
Okay, honey.
Baby, you are the sexiest woman...
What the hell?
You know, Malcolm, not everybody goes to bed looking like a supermodel.
Apparently not. You know?
Besides, what is wrong with my outfit?
Nothin', if you lived in a box underneath the freeway.
What?
Come on! Hold the sign up, please?
(LAUGHING)
Can I go to bed?
No, you gotta get the joke first!
Come on.
All right. Okay, fine.
Okay. I'm ready.
All right. Go ahead.
Spare change? (CHANGE RATTLING)
You stupid!
(KISSES) I love you. Good night.
(RUMBLING)
(LOUD FART)
(COUGHING)
God!
(GASPING)
How could someone so cute be so stink?
Oh, Jesus Christ!
(LOUD FART)
Oh, really? Oh, God!
What crawled up your ass and died?
Shit!
(FARTS) Really?
You ain't allowed to move in here and do this shit.
Mm-mmm.
(SPRAYING) Mm-mmm.
(SNIFFS) Ugh! (FARTS)
Aah! (WHIMPERING)
It's alive! What? (HIGH-PITCHED FART)
(HYSTERICAL LAUGHING)
Oh! Oh! Oh, fuck!
Oh!
(FARTS) I heard that.
So, we didn't have sex last night.
Kisha didn't cook, and she killed my dog.
But other than that,
I guess this moving-in thing is gonna be pretty cool.
KISHA: Malcolm! Malcolm!
What's up?
My keys are on the floor.
Okay.
Malcolm. What?
Something weird is going on here.
If you mean something weird
Like you farting in your sleep, yes, there is.
No, no.
I think we have a ghost.
A ghost?
Yeah, okay. No, you have a ghost in your ass.
Okay. Come on, really?
I wanna bring a psychic to tell us what's going on.
A psychic?
Ah, come on, Kish. That's ridiculous.
Look, I'll tell you what's going on, okay?
Some neighborhood kid came in here,
stole something out of your purse, and then he left...
No. See, if anyone is stealing anything,
(HISPANIC ACCENT) it is you-know-who, okay?
Hey, girl! (LAUGHS)
Okay, we have no idea what she's doing when we're not here.
Why is she always wearing gloves?
Okay, fine. I'll take care of it.
Guilty.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Hey, I'm Dan the Security Man.
Hey, how you doin? Nice to meet you.
Oh, whoa! Hey, hey, hey! What's up?
Hey, I'm sorry, buddy. I didn't see you back there.
That's my associate, Bob. Actually, he's my brother.
He's a simple...
I'm his brother, too.
He used to play in the dryer. We turned it on once.
(IMITATES THUMPING) (NERVOUS CHUCKLE)
Whoa, whoa!
KISHA: Hey, yo, you better back up!
What's the problem?
We're here to install cameras.
Yeah. Not to be filmed on camera.
'Cause I'm doing my own reality show.
Well, I'm not signing anything.
And I can't write. He can't write.
Blur this out.
Mosaic. Okay.
KISHA: What is he doing?
Is the owner home?
You're talking to him.
(SNICKERING) Yeah, right!
KISHA: Wow.
Oh. Wow. Okay.
All right. Now, that camera covers your entire backyard.
It's cool.
Let's say you and the missus are having a pool party, right?
You know, you're grilling up some fried chicken,
probably some ribs.
Hot wings, some pig knuckle,
strimps.
You know, maybe some corn bread.
I'd say watermelon, but that might be racist, right?
Corn bread was pretty close.
Not really. Country folks eat corn bread.
Can I say it?
You talking about the "N" word? Yeah.
No. It's not appropriate.
(QUIETLY) I see.
Are you... Is he serious?
You can call me a cracker.
I don't want to. I just want...
Let me say it.
(SIGHS)
If you say it, I'm going to punch you in your face.
Anyway... Wow.
Maybe later things get a little freaky.
You and the old lady in the 'cuzzi, buck naked, right?
Little Black Mamba's ready to strike.
That camera will catch all of it.
Nice! So, all you gotta do, go upstairs,
clickity-clack on the computer, beat off to the highlights.
Yeah.
Holler!
(SIGHS)
Do it. No.
Holler!
Are you really gonna make me do this here?
Camera Guys.
BOTH: Holler!
Got you all tied in. Mm-hmm.
Uh, just hit the space bar, the mouse, you flash from the kitchen.
Mm-hmm?
Entryway.
Backyard. Living room.
I even tied in the webcam. Nice.
Yeah. Oh, I like that. That's cool.
Here's something you wanna think about.
You can remote access these things from wherever you are.
I can set that up if you want. Just give me your pass code.
No. Not gonna happen.
Good choice. Nice try.
But you could set that up if you want to.
You're out of town on a business trip,
you might wanna check up on the missus,
make sure she's safe.
Right.
Or whatever she's doing! Yeah.
You know, girls, they like to have
a girls' time when you're out of town.
And why wouldn't they, you know?
You don't expect things like...
You know, she's spread eagle on the floor, banging the mailman.
"Special delivery!"
Not on our bed!
(SOBS) You dirty bird!
In front of the dog! Is he serious?
Oh, the dog's so upset!
I mean, you know,
you're at a security convention in Albuquerque
screaming at the top of your lungs at a Quality Inn!
BOB: I remember Albuquerque.
You can't scratch your way through the camera!
Kinda reminds me, I gotta mail out some bills
before the end of the month.
Uh, it's okay, man. It's okay.
Bobby, you better not be recording.
Uh, Bobby? Yeah, I got the whole thing.
Don't do this shit in my house.
(LOUD CRYING)
It's okay. Okay. All right. I understand.
(CRYING CONTINUES) Okay.
Why are you installing all these security cameras anyway?
Uh, we may have a burglar.
Or a ghost.
A burglar. Ghost.
Burglar. Ghost!
Well, it just so happens I have my own ghost hunter reality show.
Do you wanna know what it's called?
I got one, too.
Wild guess, American Ghost?
(IMITATES BUZZER) Wrong! Ghost Guys.
Oh!
It is trademarked, so don't get any funny ideas.
I definitely won't. All right. See ya.
Yeah! You know they're shooting porn in there.
Really? No way he owns it.
KISHA: Malcolm, what is that?
Well, I paid those camera guys all this money
and they left a big-ass blind spot inside the hallway.
So you decided to break my fan and rig up this ridiculous camera?
Yep.
Call me "Nigyver."
Wow.
Cool. All right, baby. Come on.
All right. All right.
KISHA: I'm so hungry. MALCOLM: Me, too. Starving.
Okay, Rosa. We're leaving.
Buenas tardes, senores. Okay.
(DOOR OPENS, CLOSES)
ROSA: It's crazy, right? (CHUCKLING)
These stupid motherfuckers don't think I speak English!
(LAUGHS) Hmm.
Yo, I got a nice pool. You want to come on down?
Yeah, we got a Jacuzzi.
Que pasa?
(WOMAN SHRIEKS) (ROSA SPEAKS SPANISH)
Ay, Dios mio! (GUNSHOT)
(SHOUTING IN SPANISH)
Whoo! ¡Dios mio!
Whoo! (SPEAKING SPANISH)
(SQUEALS)
Hey, Rosa. We're back.
Hola!
Ah! (SPEAKING SPANISH)
Si! Yo tambien.
MALCOLM: I don't know what you saying.
ROSA: Mm-hmm!
MALCOLM: Baby! KISHA: What?
Look at how she's swimming.
Hey, Steve. Steve, look. Check this out.
Black girl don't like getting her hair wet.
Hey, hey, hey! Malcolm, cut that shit out!
(MALCOLM, STEVE LAUGHING) Just got my hair did. You know that.
Don't play with me.
STEVE: You're looking good over there, baby.
Hey, show us your tits. What?
Show us your tits!
(SHRIEKS) Whoa, whoa. No, no, no, no, no!
I knew she would do it.
(SHRIEKING)
You like that?
No, no. That was awkward.
Oh, yeah? But did you like it a little bit?
They're cockeyed.
Yeah, I know. One's bigger than the other one.
That way you can have a favorite.
Baby?
KISHA: No! Whoo! (SHOUTS)
Your head's gonna get pregnant!
Let's do reverse.
Wow, man, I am loving this camera of yours.
This is really cool.
Thanks, man. Oh, boy.
I bet you're shooting all kinds of extracurricular activities with this camera.
Actually, I'm not.
You aren't?
None. You're not?
You know, ever since Kisha moved in,
I haven't seen no parts of the vagina.
No! It's like she moved in,
and her vagina moved out the same day.
You gotta be kidding me! Yeah.
That makes me angry.
Not as angry as it makes my penis.
Well, I am angry for your penis.
Mr. Happy is not so happy.
Oh, that's infuriating.
Yeah, man. Yeah, man.
It makes me very upset to hear that.
But you know, there is something you can do
to spice it up if you want to.
Really? Oh, yeah.
What?
Well, you know how, like,
if you get tired of driving your car,
you might test-drive a new car?
Mm-hmm.
Maybe you would even let somebody else
drive your car for a little while, you know?
Get a whole new appreciation of your vehicle when you do that.
Are you talking about swapping girlfriends?
What? No! (SCOFFS) Excuse me?
(LAUGH) Oh, wow!
I don't know where you were goin' with that! Oh, wow!
I was talking about cars!
My bad.
You would never do it?
I would absolutely never do it.
Me neither. Me neither.
What kind of pervert does that?
That's what you would have to be.
It takes a pervert to swap girlfriends.
You never have done it, and you never would, huh?
No, Steve.
Even if you got drunk enough or something like that?
Like, you might have a few too many drinks and say,
"Why not? Let's give it a try,"
if there was a couple that was into it.
No. No. Yeah, me neither.
That's how I feel.
But even, like, maybe if you got a little high,
maybe on a Saturday night or something like that,
and you were like...
(STAMMERS) Even then.
Yeah. Like, even if this couple was, like,
up for anything and raring to go,
and she was hot to trot, like, a hot, hot lady.
It wouldn't matter. You wouldn't do it, right?
Nigger, no.
Same here. We're in agreement.
It's crazy to swap girlfriends like that.
I am with you 100%.
Steve, want a beer?
Thank you very much.
Hey, babe, did you tell Steve we have a ghost?
We don't have a ghost. A ghost?
Yeah. Awesome.
I think it'd be cool to have a ghost.
MALCOLM: We don't have a ghost.
No, Jenny, it's not cool.
We don't have a ghost.
You thought it was cool in college.
We did a seance and everything!
A seance? Oh, yeah. That's right.
You did a seance?
Yes. Honey, it's college.
You do a lot of silly stuff.
Yeah.
Like that time we got drunk and made out.
(STEVE LAUGHS) Oh, it's all hazy.
You know, college, it's like a big fog.
MALCOLM: We're gonna talk about these college days.
Yeah, yeah.
A hazy, sexy fog, it sounds like.
Wouldn't it be great if we all spent the night? Together?
Well, that's an interesting idea.
What do you think of that, Malcolm?
A naked sleepover? MALCOLM: No.
No? It's weird.
Yeah, but it's definitely gonna be weird.
But are you saying weird good or weird bad?
Weird bad, Steve.
Okay.
All right, you guys. It's been real.
Listen, I know a great psychic if you need one.
Okay.
He told me I'd be surrounded
by big, black spirits in my near future.
Vaginas crossed.
MALCOLM: Yeah, okay. Right? Goodbye!
(LAUGHS) Well.
Listen, before we go, I just wanna talk to you about something,
'cause Jenny's got a birthday coming up.
Okay.
I wanna do something real special for her, you know.
I was thinking maybe you could invite a couple of guys over,
Like your cousin Ray-Ray, maybe?
And some of those big, black guys
that he hangs out with, you know?
Jamal, and Hakim, and Anforny, you know?
Just the six of us, right? We'll have some fun.
We'll double stuff the Oreo a little bit, huh?
Dirty up the white snow?
Black poles, white holes.
You know, maybe all pile on the little white rabbit, right, you know?
Are you talking about a mandingo party?
What? A what?
Excuse me!
I mean, I'm really, uh, not into that. But if you're into that...
Um, I'm...
Well, we might be able to work something out
if that's what you're into.
Hey, buddy, I mean... Okay, bye, Steve.
Oh!
MALCOLM: Oh, wow.
That's beautiful. Okay, Jenny.
All right. Goodbye.
Okay, honey, come on. Come on, honey, come in.
You're lucky.
She is luckier.
Bye, guys. Bye! All right.
(LAUGHS) Okay. All right.
KISHA: I think Jenny and Steve are swingers.
MALCOLM: You think? Wow.
This looks like a ghetto Rite Aid.
Wrong Aid.
Oh, shit! Did somebody shave a yeti?
KISHA: Very funny. I shaved my legs.
With what, a weed whacker?
Wow. That's like Apollo Creed's chest hairs.
That is crazy.
Oh! Hey! Malcolm, come on!
Dude, turn that off. Get out of here.
You got to close this. Stop it!
I'm claustrophobic, okay?
Yeah? Well, I'm ass-trophobic.
You know what, Malcolm? What?
Love it or leave it, okay? Here. Here.
(LOUD GROANING) Take it, okay?
It's oak-y. (MALCOLM LAUGHING)
It's... It's full-bodied.
I believe it's open.
Oh, that's... That's nasty!
Mmm. The aroma.
The nastiest thing ever.
No, Malcolm! Malcolm!
Hey! No!
Move your little nasty foot. Stop it!
Ow! Ow! Malcolm!
(CRICKETS CHIRPING)
Uh, Malcolm. Malcolm? Hmm?
The camera isn't off.
Yeah, the camera's off. What are you talkin' about?
The light is on.
That's the standby light.
That's the record light.
I don't want to be like those stupid girls.
Kim Kardashian with a sex tape.
First of all, Kim Kardashian's worth $150 million.
Think about it, Kisha. You could have your own reality show.
You could have your own clothing line, your own perfume.
"Stank," by Kisha.
No.
Your window of opportunity is closing quickly.
Turn it off.
Oh, God, you are a hater.
I'm not.
Malcolm. You ain't slick. That camera's still on.
What? (MIMICS) "What?"
(GRUNTS) That's cheap.
(VIDEOTAPE FAST-FORWARDING)
(YELPS) Whoo! Whoo!
(GRUNTS) Don't touch it.
Don't touch it. That was crazy.
Oh, I got a cramp.
I told you we should have recorded that.
I don't think they make 30-second tapes.
Oh, come on. That was at least two minutes, 15, 16 seconds.
Whoo! That was great.
Malcolm, you know we have to go again, right?
(GRUNTS) I need a halftime. You gotta talk to the coach.
Get some new plays.
(SNORING)
Wake up. Okay, okay.
Come on now.
Okay, okay.
Woody's sore. Mmm.
Yeah.
Good morning, honey.
Hi, baby. Mwah.
(GRUNTING)
Malcolm, I told you to turn the camera off!
I know. I'm shit.
But, baby, I was tearin' it up last night. (WHOOPS)
Oh, please. You were all right.
Baby, check this move. Look at that.
Malcolm, I need you to erase this tape.
I don't wanna end up on the Internet.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Rewind the video.
Okay.
Did you see that? Uh-huh.
See, I call that move the Tornado.
No, stupid!
Look! The door, it moved. You see?
MALCOLM: Oh, wow.
Well, there is a rational explanation for all that.
See, what happens is, with the Tornado, right,
the vortex in which I move my hips,
especially with a downward motion,
it creates that vortex.
I'm surprised the windows didn't blow open.
You are stupid. Sometimes it does that.
See, I'm working on a whole natural disaster theme for me and you.
We gonna start with the Mudslide tonight.
Or the Earthquake. Earthquake is crazy!
'Cause I just get in and I shake up in there, fast as I can. I just shake.
(RUMBLING)
(SHATTERS) (SCREAMS)
Malcolm!
Malcolm, come here, please!
Quick! What happened? What happened?
Okay, so the glass was on the counter, and then it...
Something knocked it off!
How do you explain that?
Well, maybe you put it on the edge of the counter,
and it just slipped off.
Last night, it was the door, Malcolm.
And then, this morning, the pot was on the floor.
Maybe it wasn't put on the rack properly.
All right, I'll take credit for that. Lord knows you don't cook.
Oh, I love you, but stop. Be careful.
You're gonna get glass in your foot
and be trackin' blood all through the house
Like Bruce Willis in Die Hard.
(GROANS)
Do you believe me now, Malcolm? Hmm?
Maybe it was your vortex.
Oh, God.
(RUMBLING)
(VOICE SHRIEKING)
(GASPS)
Did you hear that?
Nope. What?
(LOUD RATTLING)
What about that?
That was just the house settling.
No big thing. Just go back to sleep.
Go back to sleep? (SCREAMING)
(MALCOLM SCREAMING, WHIMPERING)
The wind? What?
Negro, the windows are closed!
(SCREAMING) Oh, hell, no! I'm out!
What? Malcolm!
(HIGH-PITCHED SCREAMING)
Malcolm!
(HIGH-PITCHED SCREAMING CONTINUES)
(SCREAMING GROWS DISTANT)
(DOOR SLAMS) Really?
Oh, hell, no.
Malcolm, what are you doing?
Bitch, there is a ghost in the house. I'm out.
You can't leave.
You watch me.
(ENGINE STARTS)
Deuces.
Malcolm!
You all right? Who am I kidding?
I can't sell a house in this market.
"Immediate possession."
(HYSTERICAL LAUGHING)
It's already possessed!
Hi, Chip. I'm Kisha. Hi.
Hi, I'm Chip the Psychic.
Come on in.
Nice. Nice.
Oh!
And you... You must be Malcolm.
Mmm, yeah. That's pretty good. How did you know?
Uh, psychic.
(LAUGHS) See?
I have a lot of powers all over my body.
Do you... You play basketball, probably, a little bit, right?
No, not really. You don't?
No. Well, you got the body for it.
You're lucky.
You're a lucky, lucky lady.
I'm gonna ask you some questions.
You know, nothing cray. Just real simple stuff.
Okay, how long have you guys been together?
Two years. Yes.
Okay, Malcolm, are you happy? Yes.
Do you like living with her? Yes.
Have you been with a man? No.
Did you have a good Halloween? Yes.
Did you have a good Christmas? Yes.
Do you like movies? Yeah.
Have you been with a man?
Yeah... No. What? No!
Did you have a good Easter? Yes.
Do you like booze? Yes.
Do you eat food every day? Yes.
Have you been with a man?
Yes. No, no!
I've never been with a man.
Okay, I'm just asking 'cause I'm just trying to get to know you.
I've never been with a man. I've never been with a man.
Would you stop being so...
I've never been with a man!
Okay!
You don't have to be loud and angry.
I've never been with a man!
He keeps asking me if I've been with a man!
I've never been with a man!
Okay.
I'm trying to get to know you. Have you been with a man?
I sleep on this side of the bed.
Right.
She sleeps there. Ick.
And, you know, we keep the camera right there.
And one night, we saw the door kind of just, like...
(IMITATES DOOR CREAKING)
Oh, wow. So there was some paranormal over there.
No, she thinks it's paranormal,
and I think it's 'cause of the Tornado.
'Cause I created a vortex.
What does that mean?
We was havin' sex, and I was hittin' it.
I was like... (GROWLING)
I was doing this round, and I think the...
Hey, hey, hey! Hey, hey, hey.
Hey, you okay? Yeah, sorry.
You all right?
I got light-headed there for a second.
Okay. All right. Yeah, no, I'm good.
Check out the door. You know what?
There is some dark energy over here.
Really?
Yeah. Wow, that's crazy.
MALCOLM: I didn't even... Oh!
We got a ghost.
Oh, my God, it's got me!
It's got me! (SCREAMS) It's got me!
Help! Help!
Hey, man! Get off of me!
Oh, man! Get off of me.
What are you doing?
I don't know what just happened.
That was so scary.
Okay, you guys. This is a simple channeling exercise.
Okay.
This is creepy. Shh.
All right, Kisha, now just breathe. Relax.
Do you feel anything?
No, not really.
What about you, Malcolm?
Just your dick in my back.
Well, that's a start.
Now, there are two kinds of paranormal entities.
I specialize in the good ones.
Okay, yeah, like Casper the Friendly Ghost.
Oh! Yeah, he's fun.
And also Patrick Swayze from Ghost.
(GASPS) I love that movie.
Yes, that one was really moving.
Especially with the clay, and he'd work the clay and just...
(SPITS) And he just fuckin' has it, and...
Demons, though, are bad.
Those are pure, pure, pure evil.
And they will pop up at the worst possible times.
You know, like herpes.
What?
What are you looking at me for?
All I'm saying is, do not aggravate a demon.
Do not try to contact them,
and whatever you do, do not film them.
That will only make things worse.
See? Don't film demons.
Very bad. Okay.
Well, thanks a lot for coming out, man.
Is there anything you wanna get off your chest?
No, I'm good.
Is there anything you want to put on my chest?
Huh? Wait'll you see the clay scene.
Wait, wait. Uh...
I have a confession to make.
Yep, herpes! I knew it.
Oh! Ick! No, I don't!
But did I mention that I made a deal with the devil
for a pair of really cool Louboutins?
You made a deal with the devil for a pair of shoes?
Not shoes, Malcolm! Louboutins, okay?
They've got red soles, and they make my calves pop!
(GROWLS)
Well, I really needed them, okay?
You are screwed, sista,
with an "A."
This demon is not leaving this house until it gets what it wants.
What's that?
Kisha.
You're fine, Malcolm.
Like, you're free to be whoever you want.
It's a five-man wrestling league.
I'm good.
It's so fun.
I bet it is. It's not for me.
And everyone's really good. Really?
Yeah, no, but it's competitive.
It's something that...
Oh, my God. I'm getting mind powers.
Okay. All right. I'm getting mind powers.
(SIGHS) Malcolm, (GASPS) something is going to happen to you
that is going to change you.
Don't fight it.
Whatever it is, don't fight it, okay?
Okay, I won't. I won't. I can save you.
It's five guys. We wrestle on Monday.
Okay.
I can save you. No, thank you.
(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Save you!
God.
I think that went well.
We need to talk.
A demon, Kisha?
I'm sorry, Malcolm.
Why... Why didn't you tell me this, like, on the first date?
Because you never would have gone out with me again.
Exactly!
How long has this been happening to you?
Since I was a little kid.
What the shit is this?
MALCOLM: And you say I tape everything.
Mm. Mm-mm-mm.
(BLOWS)
Happy birthday, Kisha. Mama loves you.
Ooh! To think you almost didn't make it.
But good thing that clinic was closed.
Ooh! God is good all the time.
You are eight years old. Enjoy your birthday.
Sooner or later, you're gonna come home from school one day.
"Where's stepdaddy? Where's stepdaddy?"
And I'm gonna be gone.
Happy birthday, Kisha. Make a wish.
Sit right there. All right.
Happy birthday to me.
I wish Tony can stay with me forever.
Who is Tony?
Who is Tony, baby? He's my friend.
If you have friends, they'd all be
gathered around here drinking beer,
smoking cigarettes, having a good time,
gambling, playing cards and stuff.
She talking about her invisible friend.
I guess we should be nice about it.
You gonna blow it out? Or you just gonna look at us crazy?
Dang. She ain't all there.
Why is she looking at me like that?
Lookin' all crazy. You crazy.
Look, look, look, look, look. She got a lazy eye.
(LAUGHING)
Blow them damn candles out.
Blow 'em out. I wanna get her blowing out the candles.
I know what I'm doing, woman. Do not yell at me.
Blow out the candles, baby.
(RUMBLING) Tony, no!
You wanna throw cake on my brand-new Betamax?
You must be crazy!
Ow! It wasn't me. It was Tony.
I'm-a beat the Tony out of you then.
Ah, ah, ah. Lamar, not so hard.
You're gonna break your new belt.
This is how you beat a stepchild.
I won't beat my own kids like this.
(GRUNTS) I know that's right.
Anything else you wanna tell me?
Well,
about the herpes.
Baby, what are you doing? Huh?
Oh, nothing. I'm just... Just cleaning, that's all.
You ever get that not-so-fresh feeling?
Seriously, Malcolm?
Seriously, we're gonna have to talk about your lies.
Oh, that's fizzing. It's fizzing.
It's herpes, Kisha.
This ain't a cold sore, Kisha. This is the real thing.
Ah! You did this to me.
Get a match! Get the goddamn match!
(SCREAMS) Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
That hurt. Whoa!
(RUMBLING)
(HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
(MUSIC STOPS)
What the hell?
What happened?
(GRUNTS) Did...
What'd you slap me for?
Was I snoring?
Kisha!
The hell?
Kisha.
What the hell?
Kisha.
Oh, shit! Kisha, what the...
Kisha, what are you doing?
What? Oh, that is gross.
Wait! No, baby, that milk is three weeks old.
(GROANS) Oh! Baby. Baby, what are you doing?
I'll run to the store. We're out of milk.
I'll be right back. No, no, you... No, no.
Give me that. (SCREAMS)
(LAUGHING)
Honey, honey.
Where do you keep the Pepto? Oh, man.
Where do you keep the Pepto? My stomach hurts.
(SCREAMS) What are you doing?
I'm looking at the tape from last night.
(KISHA SOBBING)
Honey, you make me feel good.
Okay. Maybe some sleep will make you feel good.
Oh, my God.
I don't remember doing any of this. What am I doing?
Acting like a freak. This is crazy.
Wait, look at this. Check this out.
Something weird... Weird-weird-weird is going on.
(TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING)
Something weird is going on.
Meow. Honey, you make me feel good.
(SCREAMS) Weird is going on.
Weird is going on. Weird-weird-weird is going on.
Whoo!
Weird-weird-weird-weird is going on.
I'm a scary ghost!
(GRUNTS)
(SCREAMS)
(GROANS)
I can't breathe.
(LAUGHS) Baby, you mad?
Baby.
(LAUGHS)
Malcolm!
It's not a joke!
Come on. I'm just trying to make light of a bad situation.
Bad situation? So, what, now you're referring
to my moving in as a bad situation?
I didn't have a demon in my house till you moved in.
What happened to, "You're living with me now. I'll protect you"?
From a burglar, not a ghost!
You know what? I ain't listening to this.
Where do you think you're going?
Out.
Oh, okay! So you're just gonna leave me here alone?
Malcolm! (DOOR CLOSES)
(LOUD CLANGING) (GASPS)
(HEAVY THUDDING)
(CLANGS) (SCREAMS)
(SHATTERING) (SCREAMS)
(GROWLING)
(KISHA SCREAMS)
Malcolm!
Okay, I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming!
What, what, what, what?
Look at this!
Oh, wow. What the...
KISHA: Oh, Daddy!
(WHIMPERS)
Malcolm!
Oh, shit.
What kind of monster would do this?
Uh, uh, baby, you were right.
Listen, there is an evil spirit in this house.
I believe you. I was so dumb.
I can't believe I didn't believe.
Oh, shit. I feel it. Oh, my God. It's right there.
You feel that? Feel it, feel it, feel it.
It's cold, right? Oh, my God! (GASPS)
Baby, we have to get rid of this menace once and for all.
Ooh! The tape! We can watch the tape.
Wait, no! No, no, no. Don't watch the tape.
What?
Because it's just me and you against him.
You evil spirit! You leave this house alone!
Now!
You hear me? You get out!
Get out, demon. Get out!
Get out, get out, get out!
See, I believe you. No.
I need you to shut up once and for all.
Let's watch the tape. I am shutting up! God!
(GROANS) Mm-hmm.
(SUCKS TEETH)
Hi, Daddy.
You want to come in here and move in on my house? Huh?
You like haunting people, huh? I ain't scared of you.
Uh, baby? Um...
Fuck you, and fuck your daddy!
This is disturbing. You don't want to see it.
I will break your arm.
You wanna watch TV?
Wow!
(MOCK CRYING) Oh. Oh, my.
(GASPS)
See, that hurt. Lookee.
I got a boo-boo, baby, right... I don't care.
(GRUNTING)
(PLOPS) (SIGHS)
Oh!
On my father's ashes! Really?
You think you the shit? I'll show you the shit.
Nasty! That is so nasty.
I will...
On the floor? Really?
So, what did you do, wipe your ass with the curtains?
Baby, you didn't like the curtains anyway.
You're an animal. We'll get new curtains.
It's just curtains.
I'd be an animal if I didn't wipe at all. Baby!
This isn't gonna prove any... Yes, it is!
I swear that I will listen to Kisha
whenever she says strange things are going on in the house.
And?
And... (SIGHS)
And I swear that I won't antagonize the ghost anymore.
Even though I didn't bring him in the house.
And?
And I swear that Kisha is the prettiest
and the sexiest girl for never.
And?
And I promise I won't shit in your daddy's ashes.
Louder!
I promise I won't shit
on Kisha's daddy's ashes ever again.
Happy? Yes.
Can I have my video game back now? No!
See, man?
Why are you putting powder on the floor?
See, the powder is gonna let me see his footprints.
And you think this is gonna work.
It did on Scooby-Doo.
(THUDDING)
(DOOR CREAKING, CLOSES)
Malcolm, did you hear that?
Mm-hmm.
Then why are you pretending to be asleep?
'Cause I know if I'm up,
you're gonna make me go check out
where them scary-ass noises are coming from.
(IMITATES SNORING) Get your black ass up.
See, man?
Kisha.
(WHISPERING) Camera. Get the camera. Get the camera.
Whose plan was stupid now, Kisha? Hmm?
Pass me a bat. A bat?
You're gonna use a bat on a ghost?
I'm sorry. I left my proton pack in the car.
Pass me the bat.
This ghost's got some ugly-ass feet.
Looks more like an alien.
(THUDDING)
I don't wanna do it. I don't wanna do it.
I can't do it. I can't do it. What?
Malcolm! No, this... No.
This ain't what we do.
This is for white people. Will you grow some balls!
This is for white people. This ain't what niggers do.
We don't investigate. We run. We run, we live.
If we was in a movie theater, some black woman be screaming,
"Don't do it! Don't do it, boy!"
"He behind there. He in there."
If we know he's in there, why the fuck are we going in there?
Come on, baby.
(WHIMPERING) I don't want to do it.
Stop it. What if it bites me?
It's not a zombie. It's a ghost.
You wanna play? That's right!
You hurt my mother. You killed my mother.
That's right!
That's not helping. It's not helping none.
You got this. Go. (INHALES)
(SCREAMS)
You want some of this? This is how we...
Get him! (INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
Bust your... Whoop that ghost's ass!
Turn on the lights! Oh, my God! Rosa?
(GASPING) Rosa? Rosa! Rosa!
Si, senor! Que pasa?
Oh, my... I'm so sorry. I thought you...
I... I didn't know. I thought you was a ghost.
(COUGHS) Ghost? KISHA: Or an alien.
KISHA: I was talking about your feet, not your citizenship or lack thereof.
I quit.
See? Give me the camera!
Go fix this.
No! I'm not fixing nothing!
Oh, can't believe Rosa quit.
Yeah, well, you know, this is stressful on all of us.
I think I might have a little something to help alleviate
some of that stress.
(REGGAE MUSIC PLAYING)
Take it. You hit it. Yeah?
Now you gonna go spit up the end and shit. (COUGHS)
Hold it, hold it.
(BLOWS)
Damn!
Yay! Bravo. Encore, encore.
I see a face in the chip.
(GIGGLES) It's got a mustache.
You're not moving... Never get high.
...fast enough, Malcolm. Never get high
with people that don't know how to get high.
I'm baked. (INHALES)
(SPRINGS CREAKING)
(INHALES)
(COUGHS)
BOTH: Oh, shit.
DISPATCHER: Los Angeles County, 911.
(DISPATCHER AND WOMAN CONVERSING)
My dick!
(DIAL TONE) He fell for it!
(CHILDLIKE VOICE) No, I don't want to.
Okay. Okay, I'll do it.
(COUGHS)
Yeah! That's a shotgun for your ass. Whoo-hoo-hoo!
(BOTH GASPING)
Is he gone? Oh, he's gone.
Wow!
That's that Criss Angel shit right there.
Yo, that ghost good. That ghost good.
That ghost good.
(SCREAMS)
Oh, my God. What?
That was awesome!
(BOTH WHOOPING)
(GROANS) Disgusting!
Malcolm, wake up. Mmm?
You peed the bed.
What?
You peed the bed.
Oh, shit! Oh!
Oh, that's...
(KISHA LAUGHING)
That's not funny.
(KISHA LAUGHING) Oh, that's fucked up.
That's real fucked up.
MALCOLM: Hey, Steve, thanks a lot for bringing the Ouija board over, man.
I really appreciate that. Oh, no worries, bro.
Hopefully... MALCOLM: Hey, baby.
Can you grab the wine?
Oh, hey, Kisha, the dinner was so amazing.
The chicken was unbelievably tender and real juicy.
Oh, well, actually, that was all Malcolm.
Was it now? I'll be damned.
Well, thanks for letting me nibble on the leg because I love dark meat.
Mmm. Well, that is true. She eats it up.
MALCOLM: I bet she does. She eats it all up.
(HISSES) Yeah.
You guys are gonna love this wine.
It is a very robust red.
Yum.
Well, you know what they say.
"The blacker the berry, the sweeter the juice."
Mm-hmm.
Okay, y'all need to cut this out.
Well, you know what? Normally, we don't have to chase this hard.
Mm-hmm.
Steve... Hmm?
I was talking about that stupid board.
Oh. KISHA: Oh.
MALCOLM: Baby, I just want to communicate with it.
(SIGHS)
Are you a ghost or a demon?
Who's doing that? Malcolm. Who's doing that?
I don't know. It's not me. I swear to God.
"G."
You guys.
"O."
Steve, are you pushing this? I'm not doing anything.
Oh, what? "S."
Go where...
"T."
A "gost?" What the hell is a "gost"?
Oh, maybe he's trying to spell "ghost."
Are you trying to spell "ghost"?
You're doing that?
No. I'm not moving it, I swear.
"Yes."
Wait. So, he just spelled "ghost" "gost."
(LAUGHS)
What kind of illiterate, bitch-ass ghost is this?
Please. Can you please use "gost" in a sentence?
Yeah, right. (LAUGHS)
Up yours, you stupid "gost."
(LAUGHING)
He probably dyslexic, too.
He probably spells "boo," O-O-B.
Ooh! (RUMBLING)
Oh. Oh.
(JENNY SCREAMS) Whoa, whoa!
Somebody's sensitive.
And stupid.
(LAUGHING)
You know what? I think we'll probably just show ourselves out.
(THUDS)
(BODY DRAGGING)
(MOANING)
(SLURPS)
Good morning, honey.
Good morning. Mmm.
Hey. (LAUGHS)
Mmm.
Well, all right.
(SIGHS) Baby, that is the best night's sleep I've had since I moved in.
Well, maybe because you made me sleep in the other room.
What are you talking about?
We had a breakthrough last night.
A breakthrough? Really?
Yes, Malcolm.
The way that you touched me, caressed me, made love to me.
(GRUNTS)
What are you talking about?
Malcolm, we had sex last night!
No, we didn't.
Yes, we did. For about two hours!
Uh, that definitely wasn't me. (SCOFFS)
Well, who else could it have been?
No, get off of me!
(COMPUTER TONE) (TYPING)
(MOANS)
(GASPS) Oh, my God.
Mmm. (SLURPING)
Mmm, Malcolm.
What?
KISHA: (ON COMPUTER) Ooh, that's new.
(LOUD MOANING)
Oh. Are you doing the alphabet?
Uh-uh, nigger, clean your plate. Come on.
(GHOST GURGLES)
Slob it down, slob it down.
Waterboarding your ass. (GRUNTS)
Mm, Malcolm. Did you grow?
(GROANS)
Ride the pony! Ride it. Oh!
(GASPING)
Oh! Get it! Get it! Get it! Oh, I've had it.
Oh, yeah! Dip it! Dip it down!
I can't watch.
Why don't I finish up... I can't watch anymore.
I just can't watch anymore. I'll finish.
(MOANING)
(DEMONIC MOANING)
(WHIMPERING) (MOANS)
KISHA: Uh-uh, you ain't done yet.
(LIQUID RUSHING) (KISHA SCREAMING)
(GASPS) (MOANING)
(LIQUID RUSHING CONTINUES)
I had no idea you was a squirter.
Neither did I?
Hey. Don't touch me.
(GASPS) You seriously have an attitude with me right now?
You liked it. What?
You heard me. You liked it.
You like having sex with that thing
more than you like having sex with me.
(SCOFFS)
Malcolm, I was asleep.
Mm-hmm. Talk to the hand. I was...
That's the hand. Talk to it.
I was asleep, okay?
I didn't know I was having sex with a ghost.
Aha!
You just admitted to having sex with a ghost!
And you liked it! "Oh, Malcolm, you grew."
What happened, Kisha?
I'm not adequate enough for you?
Huh? I'm sorry. I tried Extense, Kisha.
Went through the whole program.
I did Cialis, Viagra and Maca.
Okay. All it did was get me dizzy,
you know... Okay, stop it, all right?
That is not fair! I was anally bleeding
for a month, and you didn't even know.
Listen, that is not fair,
because I'm the one who was violated, not you.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
(SIGHS) Must have been a horrific experience for you.
I'm sorry.
Eh, could have been worse.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Hey, cuz... Ray-Ray.
You got a beef up in here?
Lots of niggers. Not beef. Hey...
Hey, what the fuck is you taping for, Kisha?
We thugs. We can't be on no TV!
KISHA: Shut up, Ray-Ray.
Get the fuck off me. Okay. Sorry.
So, what's going on with this beef, homey?
It's that old bitch next door, ain't it, homey?
Yeah, she was eyeballing me, cuz,
when I was all up in her windowsill last night.
But she got a nice body, though, cuz.
You know, like a sexy-ass baked potato, homey.
It's not like that.
What the fuck is it like, then, homey?
Well, someone's coming between me and Kisha.
Somebody fucked your girl, cuz?
Well, not... I be the one that fucked your girl!
KISHA: Oh, please.
How you let somebody fuck your girl before me, cuz?
We family, nigger!
I... I'm sorry... Kinda.
How the fuck do you "kinda" bang Kisha, homey?
Did he have one pant leg in, one pant leg out?
Like, he wasn't even interested in fucking her, homey?
Like, he had somewhere better to be, homey?
KISHA: Okay, Ray-Ray, that is not what it's like.
And can you please tell your Negro to back the hell up off me?
Hey! Pelvis back 2 inches, homey.
But stay up on her, though.
What the fuck is it like then, Kisha? Hmm?
If you listen, I'll tell you.
You tell me!
I can't wait to get my hands on this fool.
Come on out, cuz! KISHA: Ray-Ray, cut it out.
You're gonna make it mad.
I don't give a fuck, Kisha!
He should be worried about making Ray-Ray mad up in here, bitch!
KISHA: Who you callin' a bitch?
Show yourself!
No, Ray, don't do that! Don't...
(RUMBLING)
What the fuck is that?
A ghost, Ray.
A "ghost" ghost? A "ghost" ghost.
Like a dead ghost?
KISHA: Yes! Ray-Ray, that's what we've been trying
to tell you for 15 minutes!
You idiot.
What the... What in the hell...
What happened to your furniture, cuz?
(ALL SCREAMING)
Get your hands up, cuz!
You're trying to get me killed, cuz.
I didn't, Ray-Ray! Ray!
God!
(SOBS)
My stuff!
KISHA: Babe, you got to admit, it's kind of impressive.
Perfume? Hey! (LAUGHS)
Yeah, it's new. It's called Entity.
I like it. (CHUCKLES)
What's the occasion? What's up?
Malcolm, is it a crime to want to sleep
(LOUDLY) with no panties on?
I get it. This... This ain't for me.
(SIGHS) This is for him.
Who are you talking about?
You know exactly who I'm talking about.
For your little supernatural lover.
Malcolm, you're being ridiculous,
and I'm gonna say this right now.
Insecurity is not attractive.
Yeah? Well, being a paranormal jump-off
is not attractive either, hon. Good night.
You're taking this too far. Whatever.
I have no interest in a ghost.
You gonna try and contact him?
Good night! I was gonna...
Good night!
(MURMURS) (DOOR OPENS, CLOSES)
(RUMBLING)
(GRUNTING)
(GRUNTING, SCREAMING)
(GROANS)
(SIGHS)
(MALCOLM GRUNTING ON COMPUTER)
Get off of me! (GROANING)
Baby. Hey!
Hey. Hey.
What's... What's up with the donut?
Oh, uh, I just got a little hemorrhoid, that's all.
Oh, I'm sorry. Hurts.
So, anything happen eventful last night?
No, nothing eventful. Just, you know, the usual.
Just, like, you know, door slams, stuff like that.
Oh. I wanna see. (RAPID TYPING)
(GRUNTING) Nope, nope.
Nothing for you to see, baby.
Wait! Baby!
Hey!
Can you... So rude! Stop! Stop!
Hey! Malcolm! Would you...
Cut it... Just gotta do...
(GASPS) Oh, my! You know what?
You... You got altar-boyed.
You know what?
You can't... Malcolm, hold on a second.
No, no, no, no, no! You just uploaded it!
No, no, no!
Oh, no!
(COMPUTER DINGS)
You're gonna be bigger than Charlie Bit My Finger.
(WHEEZES)
Say hello to the camera.
Hello, Malcolm... Come on, Kisha.
Get the camera out my face. I'm not in the mood. Stop it!
Oh, I see. I see.
Now that you've been touched by an angel, suddenly you're camera shy?
Let me ask you a question, Kisha.
Is this the first ghost you slept with?
Or it's the first one I caught you with?
You wanna go there? Yeah, I wanna go there.
When did you become ghost pussy?
You know what, Malcolm?
Maybe I wouldn't need a ghost if I was with a real man!
(SCOFFING LAUGH)
There are Super Bowl ads that last longer than you do!
Let me tell you something.
People wait all year for those Super Bowl ads, baby.
All year!
And maybe it's 'cause every time I see you naked,
all I can think about is you sitting on the toilet,
playing with a Rubik's Cube!
I'm sorry, Kisha. Some things just shouldn't be shared.
I let my guard down and...
Oh, you let your guard down.
...you're gonna throw it back in my face?
You killed my dog!
(WHOOPS) You have not let this go!
Yeah, let's go there.
I did not kill your dog!
You dog murderer.
That was my baby, and you killed it on purpose!
Oh, your baby was 87 years old!
(SCREAMS) Shh.
(PANTING)
Okay. Okay.
All right, come on. Let's go outside.
Okay. Okay. Come on.
Okay. Go! Okay.
Do you see that? It's getting worse.
Well, you heard the psychic, all right?
It feeds off of negative energy.
All of your arguing is making it stronger.
My arguing? My arguing? (RUMBLING)
You're the one that...
That's right.
We have to stop fighting. I can't.
You are getting on my nerves.
Well, just pretend.
(RUMBLING)
(CUP RATTLES)
Good thing we switched to plastic.
(RUMBLING)
(RATTLING)
We'll have to get that pot rack looked at.
Mm-hmm.
(TEAKETTLE WHISTLES)
Tea's ready. Mmm.
(RUMBLING)
I'm gonna make a run to Starbucks.
Can you pick me up a latte?
You got it!
(RAP MUSIC PLAYING)
(GRUNTS)
(SCREAMS)
Malcolm!
(SCREAMING)
(GRUNTS)
Yeah! I kicked you in your ghost balls!
I got some for you...
(GRUNTS, SCREAMS)
(SCREAMS)
Malcolm!
Wake up! Nigger, open your eyes!
(SCREAMS) Take off those damn headphones!
Malcolm!
(THUDS)
(PANTING)
Malcolm!
(SCREAMING) Malcolm!
(RAP MUSIC CONTINUES)
(MUTTERING) Yeah, listen. Something's wrong with Kisha.
No, no, she's been cleaning all morning.
Dude, Kisha don't clean.
That's good, baby. Not the couch, honey! Not the couch.
Yes, the floor.
Yeah, good girl, good girl. (CHUCKLES)
Yo, man, earlier, I caught her masturbating
with a crucifix.
(GROANING) Kisha?
Wouldn't you rather use this?
(WHIRRING)
(GROANING)
Okay.
Exactly. I'm...
Uh, dude, I gotta go.
No, she's walking the dog.
What's wrong with that? The dog is dead.
I gotta go. Uh, Kisha?
Kisha. Oh, boy. Kisha!
Kisha? Baby?
Listen, I just wanted to apologize for the way I been acting.
I just want to tell you that I love you,
and I don't want anything to come between us.
And what the hell is that Twilight shit on your neck?
(ROARS) Oh, my God! Oh, God!
What the hell? (PANTING)
Oh, yeah. She is definitely on the rag.
MALCOLM: Oh, Father. Thank God you could make it.
Nigger, call me "Doug."
I don't like being called "Father." No way.
Plus, I got a couple issues with a few people out there
claiming false child support.
I mean, just 'cause the little nigger got my eyes,
my nose, my extremely rare AB-negative blood type,
don't mean I'm the damn daddy.
Plus, I'm still in training.
At the seminary?
No, the penitentiary.
What? Shit, nigger,
I've been incarcerated 15 years.
Oh. But you learn a lot out there reading on the yard.
You shank a nigger, come in, read the scripture.
Shank a motherfucker, read the scripture.
You gonna let a nigger in or what?
Uh, I'm sorry, Father. Come in.
Damn. Standing out here, nigger. It's cold as hell.
Ooh.
Uh, bro, I'm gonna have to level with you.
This bitch don't look right.
I mean, she look all ashy and shit, and just...
You know, like E.T. with a weave.
If I was you, I'd just be out.
Let's just go. Come on. Let's go.
Uh, I... I can't leave her. That's my girl.
Are you kidding me? Come on, man.
There's so much pussy in the world, man.
You don't have to be with just her.
Come to the congregation.
I've got a few in the congregation,
I'm trying to tell you. Check this out.
(CELL PHONE BEEPS)
(LAUGHS)
Now, I know she look old.
I know she... But she a freak, and she got skills.
MALCOLM: Can we go in there and just save her?
Yo! Yo, dawg, you yelling at me right now?
I know you just didn't scream on me, dawg.
I'm here to exorcise your bitch, man.
So you wanna go in the room. All the way in?
Look at her hair. Her hair's all crazy.
You think I'm scared right now, but I'm not.
I didn't think you was scared.
No, I'm just a little concerned
that I don't have the right stuff.
Do you have, like, a loaded gun?
I'll shank this bitch for you.
(GRUNTS) (EXHALES)
It's cold as a motherfucker in here, man. Y'all ain't got no heat?
How you doing, crazy bitch?
Kisha.
Kisha, I'm Father Doug.
I'm here to un-possess you.
Wait a minute. She's moving.
This is some crazy-ass shit, man.
(IN A POSSESSED VOICE) Who are you?
(STAMMERS) I wasn't expecting her to talk.
I'm Father Doug.
Connect the cut. Connect the cut.
(STAMMERS)
Connect the cut. Connect the cut. Connect the cut.
Oh, oh, that's some of that Busta Rhymes shit
she doin' right there.
She's on that Bus A Bus.
It's kinda more like Twista, though. It's real fast.
(SCATTING)
Do you know how to connect the cuts?
Uh, uh, uh.
Tic-tac-toe in your face!
Straight X's, straight across, diagonal.
I almost had your ass the other way.
Tic-tac-toe on your arm, connect the cuts.
That's what she was saying, "Connect the cuts."
I wanna show you something.
"Suck it." That's gangsta! That's gangsta.
You wanna see mine?
It's okay. I'm gonna show you mine.
Check this out. I did a little something a while back.
I did that in prison. Yeah, you know,
it hurt. But, you know,
you gotta go through it. You gotta earn it.
Everybody went crazy. They was like,
"No, you didn't! You so hard, dawg!"
I had control of that TV for a month.
(HISSES)
Would you like to see my paintings?
Sure. Of course.
You know, I consider myself a bit of an art aficionado.
(WHISPERS) I think it's going well. It's going good.
Mm-hmm.
If, uh...
Well, you know, if I can be perfectly honest with you,
it's your technique that's sloppy.
But that's, you know,
to be expected from someone that's possessed.
(RUMBLING)
Hmm?
(DEMONIC SCREAMING)
(GAGS) Ah!
Damn, that made my breath stink.
Man, that breath is kickin'!
I can only imagine what the kitty smell like.
Pure evil.
Goddamn.
I'm Dan "the Man" Kearney and today on Ghost Guys
we're investigating paranormal activity
at the Johnson residence in suburban Los Angeles.
This is going be very unsettling.
Not like those other fake ghost hunter shows.
This stuff is real.
And I don't mean like, "I saw my dead nana" scary,
but scary like, "I left a bag of meth in the glove box
and I'm getting pulled up by the cops
and I got a hot pipe under the seat."
That kind of scary. Let's go inside.
All right, on behalf of Ghost Guys,
the greatest ghost-hunter show on the Internet or cable access,
I'd like to thank you for having us. You've made a good choice.
You're welcome. Thank you very much for coming.
Malcolm, Malcolm, I'm not sure about this.
I mean, this guy, sure. But Sling Blade there, don't trust him.
You said you needed ghost hunters right?
I also said I needed a psychic.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Chip, hey, what's up?
What's going on? What are you doing here?
I'm a psychic, I sensed you needed my help.
I do.
There's a new person.
Yeah, that's Bob. Come on, let's go.
Hey, there's something different about you. Something new.
I can't quite put my finger in you. On you. On it.
Haircut.
Someone's got a secret.
No, I don't. Come on.
Hey, guys.
Gentlemen, what we have here is a crazy bitch.
Now, I would leave her possessed ass
in the alley downtown if it was me,
but apparently, Malcolm's got a thing for the freak.
Holy shit.
So, what you're saying is, there's an actual demon here in the house?
It's in the bitch.
I'm sorry, "ho." No disrespect.
"Bitch" is fine. "Bitch" is fine.
All right, this is what I'm getting.
The entity does not want to leave this house,
okay?
It's struggling to stay inside.
And Malcolm, I need to know.
How far are you gonna go to get this demon out?
I'll do anything.
Anything?
(RUBBER SQUEAKING) MALCOLM: I don't see how this is gonna help anything.
This just got weird.
What is this supposed to do?
Um... Nothing. I was just trying to see how far you would go.
What did I tell you?
I think she looks fine.
Clearly does not look fine.
She looks fucked up. I'm gonna need my Bible.
You're gonna bless her?
Well, yeah, I blessed this joint. Mm-hmm.
Right out of the First Chronicles. (CHUCKLES)
I haven't done many exorcisms, but I don't think that's appropriate.
I get it, I get it. I can fix that, though, right now.
I got a little something.
DAN: What's going on?
That's a demon party. Yeah, look out.
(SNIFFS) (GRUNTS)
What is this, 1985?
Is there just one demon?
'Cause I feel like we could exorcise any demons in the area.
What? I'll take on a whole team of demons.
What we should do is get all the demons in one room
and get rid of them all at once.
Do a collective demon-gathering.
We just walk up to people's doors,
"How you doing? How you doing?"
"Can we talk to you about the Lord today?"
"We heard y'all got demons up in there. What's up?"
Can I get in the bed with your girl?
I used to braid hair. I could actually braid her hair right now.
I'll be hitting her with some Allen Iversons and stuff.
I'll give her some Sprewells. I'll take it back.
Let's do a little exorcism.
All right, "Blessed is he
who, in the name of charity and goodwill,
shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness."
"For he is truly his brother's keeper
and the finder of lost children."
"And you will know my name is the Lord
when I lay my vengeance upon you!"
Did you just quote Sam Jackson in Pulp Fiction?
(CHUCKLES)
You got that. You got me on that. You got me on that one!
I love Sam Jackson, dawg.
The Jheri curl will be dripping and everything.
Plus, on the plane movie.
When he was on the plane and he killed the snakes.
That's my favorite movie.
"Enough is enough!"
BOTH: "I have had it with these motherfucking snakes
on this motherfucking plane!"
Hey, all right! That's what I'm talking about.
Guys! All right, all right!
Exorcism. That's what we're here for, right?
Yes, go back to the thing that got us here in the first place.
Where we met.
(LAUGHS) My man!
By the powers vested to me,
that somebody gave me while I was locked up,
from the correctional institution in Lompoc, that's up north...
I want the demon that's in you to come out and holler at a brother.
Demon, come up out of Kisha, demon.
Come out! Just come out!
Come up out of Kisha!
DAN: Come up out of there, demon.
Come out! Come out!
Come out! (SOBS)
Come out!
Hey! I'm not the one with the demon, she is.
(PANTING) We all have demons, Malcolm.
(GASPS)
(WHISPERS) I know what you did last summer.
(WHISPERS) You better not do this.
(ROARS)
CHIP: Let her go, she's fat.
MALCOLM: Kisha! Kisha!
Kisha! Oh, my God.
(PANTING) (GROANING ECHOES)
Kisha?
(THUDDING)
Kisha?
Oh, hey, buddy, you made it.
Grab a finger sandwich, they're delish!
About time you came up in here.
'Cause there ain't no party like a mandingo party.
'Cause a mandingo party don't stop.
Drink up, sweetheart. You need some water?
Mmm. You're next, Malcolm.
Where are you going? Hey, don't let her down.
It's her birthday.
MALCOLM: Oh, God.
Hey, did you find Kisha?
Uh, no, she's not in there.
You sure? What's going on in there?
Uh, nothing at all.
Is that a mandingo party? No.
Man, I wanna get my Kunta Kinte on.
MALCOLM: Kisha?
Kisha?
Oh, shit!
MALCOLM: Baby?
(GUNSHOTS)
Oh, my God! What did you do?
Shit, I did you a favor.
(GROANS, COUGHS)
MALCOLM: Oh, my God! Oh, my God, Rosa!
I just wanted my last check, Malcolm.
Oh, my God, you shot my housekeeper.
You mean, your ex-housekeeper.
Look, man, the bitch can't be jumping out on me like that.
You ain't gonna tell nobody, right? I got warrants.
CHIP: Hurry, she's in here.
Come on, guys.
MALCOLM: Kisha!
DAN: We got her cornered. Baby.
Father, do something. Oh, my God!
(ALL SCREAM)
Man, that demon is a freak.
Yeah, the crazy ones always got the best pussy.
The moon landing was fake.
What?
Biggie and Tupac
are alive.
Paul Ryan will be the next president.
(SNICKERS) The demon lies.
Well, except for the thing about Tupac.
He is alive. He's got a new album coming out.
What the fuck is going on here?
There's an exorcism happening, people!
(PANTING)
The power of Christ compels you. (DEMONIC GROAN)
The power of Christ compels you.
What is that, holy water?
No, it's a new cologne from Khloe and Lamar. It's unisex.
(SNIFFS) I can smell Lamar.
Get her! (SCREAMING)
(ALL SCREAM) Baby!
(ROARS)
Oh! She knows some of that Spider-Man shit!
(ROARS)
(ALL SCREAMING)
CHIP: Oh, my God!
MALCOLM: It's got me!
MALCOLM: Chip! I'm afraid of the dark.
Why do have your hand on my balls?
I'm protecting them from spirits.
Get off of me!
There she is!
MALCOLM: (SCREAMING) She's going to the basement.
Bobby? Oh, my God! Bobby, my brother's gone!
Oh, my God! Let's go!
DOUG: Bobby? CHIP: Bobby?
DAN: Bobby?
CHIP: This is dark. DOUG: I don't wanna go down here.
MALCOLM: Kisha! Look at all these weird markings.
DAN: Kisha was here. She has a sign.
CHIP: Bobby!
MALCOLM: Oh, my God! She got Bobby!
Actually, that's just Bobby taking a pee.
(URINATING) MALCOLM: What?
MALCOLM: Oh, come on, that's gross.
Kisha! Kisha.
Show yourself.
Baby? Come on, you gotta stay close.
What is this, a Shake Weight and a Thighmaster?
Nice.
Back the train up. You got a Flowbee?
Hey, it all looks good at 2:00 in the morning, okay?
Hey, look, Malcolm, one's white and one's black.
Guess which one you are. BOB: Black one.
What the hell? Can we just go find my girl, please?
Thank you.
BOB: Kisha! Bobby!
Would you shut the fuck up? What are you doing?
Come on.
(WHISPERING) Go, go, go.
(SCREECHING IN DISTANCE)
DOUG: What was that?
(ALL SCREAMING)
Christ, that bitch is scary.
MALCOLM: I dropped the camera!
Fellas? (PANTING)
Kisha.
(RATTLES)
(GRUNTS)
(WHISPERING) Malcolm? Malcolm?
It's me, Chip the Psychic. Malcolm?
It's me, Chip.
Yoo-hoo.
(CLATTERS)
MALCOLM: Okay, I found the camera. What are you guys doing?
This shit is real, son.
Yeah.
MALCOLM: Chip, why are you naked?
What the hell? Hey!
It got really hot in here.
Oh, no. Where's Bobby?
(SCREAMS)
Found my Walkman.
(KISHA CRYING)
Kisha? Baby, are you okay?
DOUG: Leave her alone. Don't touch her.
MALCOLM: Why?
'Cause she's like that witch in Left 4 Dead
sitting in the corner crying like that.
You touch her, she gonna attack your ass.
MALCOLM: I can't just leave her, man.
Kisha? Baby? It'll be okay, all right?
(LAUGHS DEMONICALLY)
(ROARS)
(SCREAMING) Get off my man, bitch!
(SCREAMING)
(THUDDING) DAN: You wanna fight? Take that, demon!
Elbow smash!
Ooh!
DAN: Harder! Beast!
Take that, demon!
Fucking bitch, take that.
(LAUGHING)
That demon can take a punch.
That's enough.
Baby? KISHA: Malcolm.
I think she's okay. Maybe not!
(GROWLS)
I won't tell on you, you don't tell on me.
Understand me?
You weren't here, I wasn't here.
I'll take the blame. I'll take the blame.
Okay, good. Hey!
Man, put some clothes on!
(STATIC)
(TOILET FLUSHES)
Hey. Hey.
You know what? This Angry Birds is kind of fun.
I told you. (CHUCKLES) I like it.
Look at you looking all pretty.
Oh, this? It's just a little something I put on for my man.
Oh, lucky him.
Oh. Ow...
Malcolm. What? What? What?
My ribs are still a little sore.
I'm sorry. We did beat the hell out of you, girl.
We was just trying to get the demon out. I'm sorry.
No, I'm sorry for bringing that thing into your house.
Our house.
Mmm!
Malcolm? Is the camera on? Mm-hmm?
(GROANS)
Fine.
Good.
Come here. (BOTH CHUCKLE)
(MALCOLM SPED UP) Take like that, take it like that.
Oh, my God, I hit the bottom.
Oh, yeah, take that. Who's your dirty daddy?
(KISHA SQUEALING)
(KISHA GROANING)
Oh, God.
I got a cramp. (GROANS) Don't touch it.
(OBJECTS CLATTERING)
(KISHA SCREAMS)
(HUFFS)
Malcolm!
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm coming.
Shit.
Malcolm!
I heard you the first time. Damn.
(ROARING)
(SNIFFING)
(FARTS)
(ROARS)
(STATIC)
She's gone. (CHUCKLES)
Yeah, baby, I lived! I lived.
In your face. In your face!
You thought you'd move into my house and kill me?
What?
(LAUGHS)
She's right behind me, isn't she?
(SCREAMS)
(RAP MUSIC PLAYING)
Oh, yeah.
We gonna need a wide angle for some of these aerial tricks.
All right, I call this one "The Superman."
(GRUNTS)
Pile driver! (GRUNTS) Take that. Take that.
Oh! Oh!
(BRAYS)
Can I get you something to drink, Father?
Yeah, Hennessy, straight.
Oh, you got Hpnotiq? I like to mix them.
Uh, I was talking about water.
Water? I don't drink that bullshit. What the fuck?
Yeah, my show is gonna be huge.
I'm gonna get my house back. I'm gonna get a girlfriend.
I'm gonna be successful.
Did you just hope and dream out loud?
All hopes and dreams are out loud. That's the camera show.
Oh, this is called "68," and I owe you one.
(GRUNTS) You're crazy, girl. Yeah, I'll fart in your face.
(GRUNTS) Take that. Now we gonna make some love.
But I ain't gonna kiss you on your mouth
'cause I just farted in your face.
Here's the thing. A lot of people think penises are scary.
They're not, unless it has a gun. Then that's horrifying.
90% of penises don't carry a gun.
Oh, my God. What?
That's a fact.
But I'm gonna tell you this, don't ever,
ever let a man put his hands on you.
Unless he paying the bills. Aah!
Domestic violence is amazing.
(MOANING)
Gonna burn me.
(MOANS)
I'm sorry. Shh. Shh. Take it.
Ooh.
Ooh!
This is one bad picture right here, nigger.
This a fine motherfucker right here, boy. This is dope.
You know what I'd do with this?
Do you know what I'd do with this?
All this area, all this carpet, this ottoman,
I'd be all over it.
What are these?
MALCOLM: Those are my boxers.
Fascinating.
(SNIFFS) Oh, yes.
His methods are so unorthodox.
(STAMMERS) That's my girlfriend.
Ah... Kisha.
That's a crazy bitch name all day. You can google it.
Top five crazy bitch names. Kisha, Alisha, Djuana.
You say that out loud, and you're already scared, right?
Are you done?
Let's go. Let's go save the bitch.