Guardian of the universe protecting us against the forces of evil.
He can catch a bullet. Halt a speeding train.
And leap tall buildings in a single bound.
- up in the sky! - is it a bird? is it a plane?
A mailman by day. the city's guardian by night.
Defending the citizens of New York from the forces of evil.
The world has been protected by a group of extraordinary men and women...
...who have dedicated themselves to fighting crime.
Mysterious traveller from another dimension.
He has powers far beyond the capabilities of mere earthlings.
I always wondered why nobody did it before me.
I mean, all those comic books, movies, tvshows.
You'd think that one eccentric loner would have made himself a costume.
I mean, is everyday life really so exciting?
Are schools and offices so thrilling...
...that I'm the only one who ever fantasized about this?
Come on, be honest with yourself.
At some point in our lives we all wanted to be a superhero.
That's not me, by the way.
That's some Armenian guy with a history of mental health problems.
Who am I?
I'm Kick-Ass.
That's me... back before any of this crazy shit happened.
I guess I was the last person you'd expect to become a superhero.
I'm not saying there was anything wrong with me...
...but there's nothing special, either.
- asshole! - I wasn't into sports.
I wasn't a mathlete or a hard core gamer.
I didn't have a piercing or an eating disorder,
or 3000 friends on myspace.
My only superpower was being invisible to girls.
And out of my friends, man, I wasn't even the funny one.
Like most people my age, I just existed.
Good morning, class.
Please open your books to act two, scene two.
Kick in my bedroom door and you'll probably find me watching tv...
...or talking to my friend todd on skype.
- You watching 'family guy'? - No.
Me neither. turn on nippleslip. com. it's good.
Or jerking off, mostly to my english teacher.
Dave Lizewski. don't think I haven't noticed you looking at my tits.
Oh, I want your hands all over me, Dave. please.
Sure, a lot of what got me through the average school day...
...was making deposits in the whac koff warehouse for later.
Though, to be honest, it didn't take much to set me off.
I swear, when my hormones balance out...
...shares in kleenex are gonna take a dive, man.
Dave Lizewski. shouldn't you be looking at 'Hamlet' right now?
Yes, mrs Zane.
Sorry.
But don't get me wrong. I like girls my own age, too.
- Especially Katie Deauxma. - Hey, gorgeous.
Hey.
Oh... no.
You meant Erika.
I know. I knew that. I was just kidding.
Okay, cool.
Oh my god.
Hey, look, I'm Todd's mom.
That's funny. this is your dad.
No, that's still my mom, actually.
Oh, the fuck!
I was just a regular guy.
No radioactive spiders, no refugee status from a doomed alien world.
You know what? Todd said they do still make count Chocula.
They just don't sell it at the store any more.
My mother was killed by an aneurism in the kitchen.
As opposed to a gunman in the alley.
So if you were hoping for any...
I will avenge you, mother!
...you're out of luck.
In the 18 months since my mother died...
...the only epiphany I had was realising that life just goes on.
Did they change the bee's face?
No.
How come nobody's ever tried to be a superhero?
Boy, I dunno. probably because it's fucking impossible, dipshit.
What, putting on a mask and helping people, how's that impossible?
That's not superhero, though.
Super's like being stronger than everybody and flying and shit.
That's just hero.
No, it's not even hero. it's just fucking psycho.
Hello? Bruce Wayne? he didn't have any powers.
Yes, but he had all the expensive shit that doesn't exist.
I thought you meant how come nobody does it in real life?
Yeah, Todd, that's what I meant.
Dude, if anybody did it in real life they'd get their ass kicked.
- They'd be dead in, like, a day. - A day.
Yeah, okay, I'm not saying they should do it.
I just can't figure out why nobody does.
Seriously, out of all the millions of people who love superheroes,
You'd think one would give it a try.
Jesus, guys, does it not bug you?
Why thousands of people wanna be Paris
Hilton and nobody wants to be spiderman?
Yeah, what's with that? she has, like, no tits at all.
Maybe it's a porn tape. he doesn't have a porn tape.
You guys never saw 'One Night in Spiderman'?
Oooh, guess who?
Is it me or do you kinda feel sorry for chris D'Amico?
Must be terrible to have a rich dad and everything you want.
I wish you wouldn't have said anything
Cos I feel like I'm gonna start crying...
The fact that he's always on his own.
We should, like, talk to him.
See if he wants to hang out with us.
Oh, I didn't say we should talk to him, I just...
Think about it. come on, it'd be awesome.
If he was our friend, no one would ever fuck with us again.
Go on then, Todd.
- You wanna go talk to him? - No, no, no. no.
No, you wanna go talk to him? I can move.
- Dave, Dave should go. - Dave should go.
- Why? - Dave, you should totally go.
- You're a dick. - Don't be afraid, dave.
You're a pussy.
Fuck off!
- Did you spray anything over there? - I think I might have shat my pants.
If that guy spoke to me like that I would have kicked his ass.
Todd, when have you ever kicked anyone's ass?
Whatever, man. I would have just gone for his knees.
Well, you're not making sense.
Well, what I'm saying is the superior force of batman's batarang
would undoubtedly penetrate the joker's force field,
Leaving him totally vulnerable to the...
- All right, and then... but, you know... - Whoa, whoa, whoa pussy patrol.
Phones. Money.
Dude, not again, come on.
Phone.
I don't have one someone else jacked it last week.
- Pussy. - Give me the bag.
- It's just comics. - Yo, you wanna get cut?
Look at this asshole just watching.
Come on, be honest with yourself.
Would you do anything differently?
We see someone in trouble and we wish we could help,
But we don't.
The world I lived in... heroes only existed in comic books.
I guess that would have been okay if bad guys were make-believe, too.
But they're not.
Frankie, I'm telling you, man, I swear I'm not making this up.
This fucking guy comes out of nowhere.
Kicks our asses and steals all the coke.
- The guy that looks like batman? - I didn't say he looked like batman.
You did Tre, you said the guy looked like batman.
- He said like a mask and stuff. - And a cape.
Yeah, like batman.
I didn't say "like batman". I never said "batman".
Okay.
Let me tell you the problem I got with that, Tre.
Our mole with the Russians tells things a little different.
According to him, you sold him my coke and you took the money.
That's a fucking lie!
I can't believe that you would believe this shit from a fucking Russian,
Man!
Let me see, Tre, what's more likely, huh?
That you're a greedy little
Cock-sucker or all my coke was stolen by superman?
- Batman. - I never said batman!
Enough!
My son is waiting to go to the movies and I ain't gonna disappoint him.
Joe, you're in charge.
That's gotta be the worst fucking excuse I ever heard, Tre.
Sorry you had to wait, buddy.
the movie is starting in 10 minutes.
It's okay, we're cool.
We're only gonna miss the trailers.
Yeah, but I wanna get some popcorn.
When we get in there, get chris some popcorn. okay?
What d'you wanna drink?
- You want a pepsi? - Yeah, that's fine.
Get him a pepsi and I'll have an icee. mixed.
Like when they mix the red one and the blue one.
And a pack of twizzlers.
The comic books had it wrong.
It didn't take a trauma or cosmic
rays or a power ring to make a superhero.
Just the perfect combination of optimism and naivety.
You are fucking awesome.
Come on then, bring it on!
- Daddy, I'm scared. - come on, mindy. honey.
Be a big girl now. there's nothing to be afraid of.
- Is it gonna hurt bad? - Oh, child.
Only for a second, sugar.
A handgun bullet travels at more than...
- 700 miles an hour. - 700 miles an hour.
So at close range, like this,
The force is gonna take you off your feet for sure...
...but it's really no more painful than a punch in the chest.
I hate getting punched in the chest.
You're gonna be fine, baby doll.
How was that? not so bad.
Kinda fun, huh? now you know how it feels.
You won't be scared when some junkie asshole pulls a glock.
- I wouldn't have been scared anyways. - That's my girl.
All right, up you get. come on.
Two more rounds and then home.
- Again? - Uh-huh.
Only if we can go by the bowling alley on the way back.
- The bowling alley? - Yeah. and ice-cream after.
Okay. two more rounds. no wincing...
...no whining, and you got yourself a deal, young lady.
Yeah! I'm gonna get a hot fudge sundae.
Good call, baby doll.
So, have you thought about what you might want for your birthday?
Can I get a puppy?
- You wanna get a dog? - Yeah, a cuddly fluffy one.
And a bratz moviestar makeover sasha.
I'm just fucking with you, daddy.
Look, I'll have a benchmade model-42 butterfly knife.
Oh, child. you always knock me for a loop.
- You know what? - What?
- I'm gonna get you two. - Two?
One balisong. two balisong. that's what you get.
The glass of fashion and the mould of form.
- The observed of all observers, - Quite, quite down!
And I, of ladies most deject and wretched...
I'll be honest,
There wasn't a whole lot of crime-fighting in those first few weeks.
But even so, my new vocation kept me plenty busy.
Shit.
I called it preparation.
But if you called it fantasizing, it would have been hard to argue.
All I knew was I'd never felt so good about myself.
Fuck!
Okay, maybe I was still in the beta testing phase.
But it was a start.
What the fuck are you looking at?
- Nothing. - Get the fuck out of here!
Like every serial killer already knew,
Eventually fantasizing just doesn't do it for you any more.
It was time to engage.
Hurry up, man.
What the fuck...?
The fuck you looking at?
I said what the fuck are you looking at?
Two cheap shit losers screwing with a car...
...that someone probably worked their ass off to pay for.
- Say what? - Leave it be, man.
This motherfucker's obviously high.
I'm not high.
I just think it sucks you guys think you can do what you want.
Just walk away from the car and we can forget about this.
You're crazy, man.
Fuck this shit.
- Shit. - Let's get out of here.
I came round long enough to beg the
Medic not to tell anybody about the costume.
He promised he wouldn't.
All I knew was my dad was gonna kill me.
Why can't I have a gun? I'm a security guard.
You're a doorman now. you don't get a gun no more.
I look like a putz.
You look sharp. all them buttons. do your job, open the fucking door.
Have a nice day.
- Good morning, Frank. - Hey, Joe, how you doing?
Great.
- Want some coffee? - Maybe later.
- Morning, Ange. - Morning.
- Chris. - Morning, Joe.
Frank, we got a thing.
It's a big thing, Frank.
Okay.
- Sorry, hon. - Do what you gotta do.
- Chris, where do you think you're going? - I gotta talk to dad.
Christopher.
Frank, honey.
Where do you think you're going?
I don't mind you talking business. I was just gonna sit quietly.
I should probably start learning this stuff anyway.
Hey, go finish your oatmeal.
God-dammit, I'm gonna be 18 in 8 months, for christ sakes.
Take a seat.
So what's the problem?
Our Russian says that tre just sold him another 5 k's at half price.
- Which Tre? Tre Tre? - Right. dead Tre.
So now I'm getting fucked in the ass by a ghost?
Or tre was telling the truth.
What, this is my choice? I gotta believe in ghosts or superheroes?
Not the part about the superhero, Frankie.
Just that he might have really been gaffled by somebody.
I think we better invite our russian over for a friendly chat.
See what's really going on.
Hey, early birdie. you beat me to it.
I wanted to get you breakfast this morning.
Happy birthday, sweetheart.
Check this out.
Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you.
Oh my gosh! dad.
Wow. watch, dad.
Okay, pop quiz. what's the proper name for one of those?
Balisong. it's Filipino. Ask me another.
Excellent, good.
The AR15 was a lighter...
...smaller calibre version of what design?
Eugene Stoner's AR10. now give me a hard one.
The name of...
...John Woo's first full-length feature?
'Tie Han Rou Qing'. 'The Young Dragons'.
Daddy, look.
Hey, come on, you're not looking.
The point is some fucker is killing our guys.
And until we find out who that is,
I don't wanna see any of you bitches sitting around on your asses,
All right?!
What the fuck d'you...
Hello.
Hey, Joe, yeah.
No, he's just training right now. one second.
Dad. phone.
Dad, the phone's for you.
- Who is it? - It's joe.
What's the problem?
Yeah, Frank...
Turns out we ain't got the vice here no more.
- Really? - Uh-uh.
But we do got a brand new industrial
Microwave -they use it for treating the lumber.
Well, that is neat.
I think you must be confusing me with someone who
Gives a shit about the fucking lumber!
- yeah, o-okay. all right, frank. - now quit bugging me and
All right, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, okay? I...
Get the fucking rest of the information.
All right, okay.
Right, come on, go ahead.
Hey, look, the guys tell me he's Tre Fernandez.
What do I know, huh?
- Shut up. - Now you say Fernandez is dead.
- Okay, he lie. - Get inside. shut up.
- He lie about... - Fucking mamaluke...
This work like a regular microwave?
Fuck do I know? we're not making a hungry man dinner. just turn it on.
Here we go.
Okay, I wanna know who sold you our coke.
And don't tell me somebody who's dead this time.
Can he hear you? I don't think he can hear you.
I said who really sold you our coke?
Who sold...
...you... our... coke?
Oh, shit! shit!
This is awesome!
I look like fricking wolverine.
You still have that metal detector at your school?
Yeah. it's gonna have a meltdown.
Dave, I need to ask you something.
Okay.
The police report. they found you naked.
You said you didn't remember why.
The muggers, they didn't...
What?
No. jesus. no, I... I wasn't even...
In the ambulance they threw my clothes away because of the blood.
Okay, okay.
Seemed like no time at all before I was back on my feet.
- Dave's what? - Keep it down.
Apart from some messed-up nerve endings,
The doctors fixed me up pretty good.
- Did you feel that? - No.
You're like fucking Jason Bourne or something, man. that owns.
- How about that? - No, Marty.
Give it a fucking rest.
I've only been back like half a day and
You're already making me kinda miss the hospital.
He's right. I'm sorry. I'm acting totally childish.
- Stop with the fork. - Watch this.
Hey.
Dave, hey.
Oh, hey.
How are you? you look better.
I'm good. yeah, much better.
You're into comic books, aren't you?
Well, me and Erika sometimes hang out after school
At this really great store -atomic comics.
They make the best white chocolate milk-a-latte.
Yeah?
I could buy you one sometime if you need someone to talk to.
- Sure. thank you. - Okay.
Sweet. well, I'll see you later.
- Did you see that? - Yeah?
Katie Deauxma just offered to buy me coffee.
Yeah. you know, I really don't think that's what it looks like.
- What are you talking about? - The point is...
...Katie's all about the lame ducks.
What's this got to do with me?
I've been trying to figure out how to tell you this.
- There's a rumour going around... - Right.
- ...that you... - What?
- ...are gay. - Gay?!
- What kind of rumour's that? - Well, getting mugged and...
- You guys have been mugged. - I know, but...
...we didn't get beat up and have all our clothes taken off.
It's not even true. the medic threw my clothes away.
Don't worry about it. rumours don't mean shit.
We know the truth.
Right?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
Who knows, this might even get you laid.
No, not if she thinks he's gay, Todd. you fucking retard.
- That's really fucking helping me! - I'm just being honest.
I was getting back to my old self.
I should have quit, of course...
...but you can't just re-programme yourself...
...what you want, who you are, your purpose in life.
No, I'm just standing around.
No, I'm not!
- It is what it is. - How about that, huh?
Oh, yeah. didn't see that, did you?
Think it's best that you just walk away.
Well maybe you shouldn't do that.
What? huh?
Are you looking at me?
Well, this is my business.
Me? my hardware was fixed now.
I was back and running Kick-Ass version 2.0.
Excuse me. Have you seen this cat?
No? okay, thank you.
Excuse me, ma'am, have you seen this cat?
I'm sorry, did you see this cat?
No? okay.
Oh, great!
Here, kitty. here, mr Bitey.
Come on. no, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no. mr Bitey, come on.
Back here. come on, let's get you home. come on.
Fuck you, mr Bitey!
Oh, god, I'm so sorry, man.
You fucking...
Thanks, freak.
- Leave him alone. - Fuck off, it's none of your business.
Yes it is.
Hey, call 911!
Hey, there's a dude dressed like a superhero fighting a bunch of guys.
It's fucking awesome!
Leave him alone!
Give it up, man. just walk away.
No, never.
What the fuck is wrong with you? you'd rather die for some piece of shit..
...that you don't even fucking know?
You 3 assholes laying into 1 guy while everybody else watches.
And you wanna know what's wrong with me?!
Yeah, I'd rather die. so bring it on!
You're fucking crazy, kid.
Thank you.
What?!
Thank you.
That fucking rocked. who are you?
I'm Kick-Ass.
Dude, you gotta check this shit out.
What is it?
And coming up after the hour.
A costume vigilante has become the latest internet phenomenon...
After a Hamilton park resident filmed the man's remarkable intervention...
- This is awesome. - Fuck, yeah!
Welcome to this special edition of eye on New York.
How far would you go to help your fellow man?
This colourful individual has been all over the news...
...after a video of his intervention of street gang violence...
...became the most watched clip on the internet.
You 3 assholes laying into 1 guy...
Myspace...38 friends.
Kick Ass's myspace...16,000 and counting.
This thing was going crazy and I was loving it.
And finally, we want to know who is this man.
Does anyone have any idea who this wetsuit crusader is?
He must be someone's son, someone's brother,
Someone's next door neighbour.
Holy shit. what happened?
What happened? this guy happened.
It's a great day for america, everybody.
Everybody's favourite superhero right now. Kick-Ass, right?
Yeah!
I like kick-ass. his costume is crappy.
He looks like a transvestite...
You know what? everyone likes kick-ass.
Did you see the clip? He was actually pretty good.
Good at getting his ass kicked.
He should call himself ass-kick instead.
That doesn't even make sense.
That guy's gonna end up dead, that's what I think.
Are you serious? The guy owns.
I'd e-mail his site if I had a problem worth fixing.
I got 100 guys can fix a problem, you'd hire some putz in pantyhose?
I wouldn't wanna get in the way of your 'business' where I'm not wanted.
I know you have mistaken me for kick-ass, but I am not kick-ass.
So you don't actually read comics?
I just started.
I got recommended some like Scott Pilgrim and Shojo Beat,
That kinda thing.
I'm not really into the whole superhero thing, though.
So I guess you're not gonna line up for that new kick-ass comic, then?
I guess not. but I was seriously thinking of mailing his site.
I mean, I could really use some help from a guy like that right now.
Help? really? what with?
You know I volunteer at the needle exchange?
No, I didn't.
Well, there's this one guy, Rasul. I felt so sorry for him and...
...the more I found out about his upbringing and stuff, I just...
Wow, that's weird. I'm usually the one playing therapist.
Can I make a confession?
Ever since I was little I've always wanted a friend...
...like you.
Is it okay to say that? that's not homophobic, is it?
I mean, I don't think you're all the same or anything.
Of course not, no.
Thank you.
I don't know if I was everything Katie dreamed her gay bff would be...
...but I tried my best.
More importantly, I talked her into mailing Kick-Ass.
Long story short, this particular lame duck of hers...
...turned out to be more of a lame cobra.
She didn't want the money back she'd given him...
...or an apology for the black eye he'd given her.
She just wanted him to get that they were through and leave her alone.
And let's be real, no other request could have given me more pleasure.
Who the fuck are you supposed to be? The green condom?
You know it ain't halloween for another few months, kid?
I'm here to see Rasul.
Who the fuck are you?
I'm Ki... I'm a friend of Katie's.
Kids nowadays in their tights.
So, which one of you guys is Rasul?
I'm Rasul. can't you tell by my big titties?
What is this? trick or treat or something?
Fuck. now I'm dead.
I've a message for Rasul about Katie Deauxma.
Katie?
Oh, you're Rasul?
Okay. you gotta stay away from Katie now. It's over.
So if you just leave her alone everything will be fine.
What?
Yo, kid. who the hell are you?
And what is this?
I'm kick-ass. Look me up.
And this is me giving you a message. Leave Katie alone.
Or what?
Or... I'll come back...
...and break your fucking legs.
I'm right here now, baby.
Fuck!
Hold him.
You are so fucking dead, man.
Okay, you cunts. Let's see what you can do now.
Eeny, meeny...
...miny, mo.
What the fuck?!
Hey, I got one of those.
Come on.
So you wanna play.
What the fuck?
Oh, dude, that is one gay-looking taser.
Relax, we're on the same team.
Hey, get up.
Now, hit girl, we always keep our backs where?
To the wall, daddy, I know. it won't happen again.
- Nice shot, by the way. - Thank you.
Let's go.
Hey, asshole, you can't use the front door now.
Wait, wait, wait.
What?
Who are you?
Me?
I'm Hit Girl.
Big Daddy.
Come on.
Come on!
Hit girl and Big Daddy.
They were the real deal.
Me?
I was just a stupid dick in a wetsuit.
What is this? what am I looking at here?
It was Sal's phone. They found it in his hand.
He must have taken that right before he died.
I know this sounds fucked-up, Frankie, but that guy in the picture...
...I think it's that superhero nut job from the tv.
Who?
Kick-Ass?
One guy?
Hold on, you're telling me one guy killed 8 of my men tonight?
8 at Sal's place. 4 at that kid Rasul's.
We have no merchandise on the street at all?
Right.
- One guy? - I think.
If you're right, we'll look like the biggest pussies in new york.
What do you want me to do?
I want kick-ass's fucking head on a stick, and I want it now.
I didn't say anything to anyone, I swear.
Good move, Ass... kick. Let's keep it that way.
You know what this is?
It's all the cartridge crap that comes
Out of your gay little taser when you fire it.
You do know the police could have traced
This right back to you if they'd found it?
But lucky for you... I picked it up.
Thank you.
Let's call it insurance. makes it easier for us to take your word.
See, we like you, but we don't trust you.
Don't take it personal. we don't trust anybody.
I re-routed your IP address.
Finding you was way too easy.
Oh, shit. shit, I hadn't thought. my god.
I, I owe you.
I'm thinking of shutting my site down anyway.
Quitting. I mean, this is... it's fucking insane.
I'm in way over my head.
It's a shame. you have potential.
Your call. but you know we're around if you need us.
How do I get a hold of you?
You just contact the mayor's office.
He has a special signal he shines in the sky.
In the shape of a giant cock.
You need us, put on your website you're on vacation. we'll find you.
Hit girl, back to headquarters.
Sweet dreams.
I need you to get rid of Kick-Ass.
- Yo. whoa, whoa, whoa. what's up? - What's up?
Kick-Ass is killing my men, gigante, that's what's up.
My condolences, Frank.
But I'm afraid I can't help you on this one.
- little bit outside my jurisdiction. - Outside your jurisdiction?
You're a fucking cop and he's breaking the law.
That's so inside it's ball-deep in your jurisdiction's ass.
Listen to me.
The cops pay me to nail the bad guys. you pay me not to.
- Everything else is in the grey area. - fuck you very much. just do it.
Okay.
Un-fucking-believable.
Where's Cody? he's late.
Thank you, Cody. We appreciate your co-operation.
Let me out now?
I gave you all them names and addresses.
Hey, I won't say nothing to nobody.
You and your crazy midget friend can go bash whoever you want.
Hey, come on.
Hey, I know some very bad people up town. really nasty individuals.
Let me go. hey, come on.
Hey, hey, don't do this. you don't need to do this. come on.
Please. hey.
Come on, no, no...
No, no, no! come on, please!
Hey, you're crazy. please!
What a douche.
You have done self tan before, right?
Yeah, like, I do it all the time.
Murder, superheroes breaking into my bedroom.
My life had turned into some fucked-up dream I couldn't wake up from.
Even the good parts were totally surreal.
Oh, hey, I read those old Ditko Spidermans you gave me.
They're actually pretty good.
Yeah, they are.
And it's been a whole week since I've heard from Rasul.
That's great.
Once upon a time there were 2 supercops called Daddy and Marcus...
...who were very good at getting bad guys.
Frank D'Amico was the baddest guy of them all...
...and he came up with a plan to get rid of daddy.
Being framed as a drug dealer was the
Worst thing that could have happened to daddy.
Prison was not his natural habitat.
He was very upset.
With daddy in prison, his pregnant wife was all alone...
...and could not cope.
But all clouds have a silver lining and out of her death...
...Mindy was born.
Marcus became the child's guardian...
...and daddy started a plan of his very own.
5 years later he left prison, and he was ready.
Now it was time for Mindy to get ready, too.
How did you find me, Marcus?
One of us is still a cop, remember?
Is this how you brainwashed Mindy?
You say brainwashed, I say made it into a game.
You call this playing, Damon?
Vigilante justice. mass murder. come on, partner.
So where is she?
- She's safe. - Can I see her?
I miss her.
I miss you both.
I appreciate your concern, but you need to go now.
I should warn you, that asshole Gigante is looking for kick-ass.
He got something to do with you, Damon?
You started some kind of fucked-up superhero club?
- Never heard of him. - Okay. heads up, all right?
You keep carrying on like you been carrying on,
It's only a matter of time before Gigante is looking for you.
He's been on D'Amico's payroll ever since you passed up the opportunity.
You know I'm not gonna stop.
Not until D'Amico and his whole damn operation...
...are burnt to ashes and buried.
It ain't gonna bring her back, damon.
This is not the life for Mindy.
You owe that kid a childhood.
I'll tell you who owes her a childhood.
Frank D'Amico!
Holy shit.
I don't fucking believe it.
Follow him, round the corner.
Not too fast.
What's with the high-fives?
I'll give you a motherfucking high-five.
High-fiving bullshit. keep going, keep going.
Not too close.
He's going in the alley.
Okay, when I tell you, stop the car. ready?
Hey, kick-ass.
How you doing?
Kill my men, huh? take my fucking coke!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, boss. what are you doing?
Boss, come on, we gotta go, baby.
- Fucking scumbag! - Come on, let's go.
Boss, come on, he's had enough.
Come on, Frank, he's had enough. come on.
What the fuck are you looking at? huh?
Come on, come on. come on, let's go. we gotta go.
Fuck. shit. damn.
Come on, come on, get in.
He was so young. no-one should have to die that way.
I just can't believe he's dead, that's all.
Oh, I know. but, Katie...
...guys like Rasul get mixed up in stuff and...
No, I know, I know, but what if it was my fault?
What if kick-ass did it? I feel like I should call the cops or something.
You're talking crazy. there's no way.
He probably didn't even read your email yet.
Yeah.
You got nothing to worry about.
I'm so glad you're here. I'm in such a mess.
That's okay. it's not a problem.
You're the best.
I hope it's okay to say this, but... it so sucks that you're gay.
I don't fucking believe this.
What kind of children's enter-fuckingtainer is that?
What kind of kid has a...
...a spiderman party, sure, but a fucking kick-ass party?
They selling paper plates and napkins at the store now?
Frank, you're scaring me. you're losing it.
Since when did you start getting your hands dirty again? and in public.
Since when I asked you fucks to deliver me kick-ass and you don't deliver,
That's when.
Give me a break, it's been a week.
We got half the crew out doing petty crimes as bait.
We're busting our asses here.
What the hell are you doing?
You're back on the powder now as well?
Mommy, I want a kick-ass party. dumb little fucks.
I know a way you can get him.
Shit!
Chris, how long you been there?
What the hell are you doing? Get the hell out.
- Do you wanna hear it or not? - Hear what?
Okay, look. you're a superhero and...
...you can't trust anyone because they'll expose your secret identity...
Comic books this kid reads, all fucking day long.
The point is, there's only one way a superhero can trust a stranger, and..
...I can be that stranger. you've just gotta give me a chance.
I know I can do it. I just need a few things.
Like what?
I need these things.
What, are you fucking kidding me? what the hell is this?
It's, it's everything I need.
And you might have to screw someone over like Louie, or something.
Louie? oh, hey, Chris. uhhuh.
Or, or somebody. it doesn't have to be Louie.
- Tony. - Tony.
Tony?
- I hate tony. - Yeah, fuck Tony. he's a scumbag.
I swear, dad, if you let me do this, it's gonna work.
Tony.
Tony Romita, one of america's most wanted crime kingpins,
was arrested in Queens today...
...after a 911 call from someone claiming to be a superhero...
So, how are things going with Katie?
Oh, just peachy.
We had a sleepover and spent the whole night...
...watching the entire 'ugly betty' box set and did pedicures.
I'm telling you, the, the longer you wait, the worse it's gonna get.
I know. I was gonna tell her. she seemed so happy.
- I don't know when's the right time. - Well, now's your chance.
- She didn't see that, did she? - Hey, guys.
- Hi. - Hi, sweet.
Did you watch the tv? the new superhero guy?
How cool is that?
What?
- Hey, look. - Could you turn it up, please?
Check this out.
Far from being put off, this individual, who calls himself red mist...
...has decided to take crime fighting to a new level...
...as his actions last night proved.
- Red mist, how do you see it? - Folks have had enough of living in fear..
...and Kick-Ass proved that one individual can make a difference.
So if anyone out there needs help, I'll be fighting crime 25/8.
And I'm just one click away. red mist. org.
Can we turn that off now?
What's so special about that guy?
He caught a drug dealer. some most wanted guy.
- You saw him bring out a ton of stuff. - That's pretty cool.
Yeah, he's got a way better costume than kick-ass, too.
- He's got a cape. - Yeah.
Capes rock.
I'm kinda feeling the cape. looks good.
What, better than kick-ass?
They're both kinda hot. I just think red mist has a better body.
Don't you think, Dave?
Yeah, Dave, what do you think? Is that the...
...is he the kinda guy you'd go for, with the, all that leather?
No, Marty, he's not really my type.
Kick-Ass.
Red mist.
Oh, shit. fuck me, that kinda hurt.
- Are you okay? - Yeah. no, I'm cool.
I can't believe you're here, man. like, you're my hero.
You inspired me. no kick-ass, no red mist. seriously.
Wow. hey, really?
Straight up. and listen, if you...
...wanted me to be your sidekick or something...
You wanna be my sidekick?
Yeah, man. you and me together, we would own.
You wanna go fight some crime?
Oh, what you mean like right now?
Yeah, man. come on, I got something I wanna show you.
Er, I mean, like to be honest with you,
I only ever fight crime between like 9 and 2 weekdays.
So I'm gonna need to get back pretty soon.
Sweet.
- Is that yours? - Meet the mist mobile.
Satnav got my iPhone so I can check the websites for emergencies
When we're driving around.
Got a little bit of mood lighting right there.
Rear-view camera. no big deal.
Check this. You're gonna fucking love this.
The mist.
That's right, we're superheroes, love us.
- Smoke? - No.
I feel a little weed takes the edge off things when I'm on patrol,
You know.
Going up against a crowd can get kinda scary, don't you think?
Something wrong?
You're so not how I expected.
I got this e-mail from this chick.
She said this guy's been following her home from work.
I got her address and stuff. you wanna check it out?
- Sure. why not? - Cool.
So, we're sitting there totally naked, right?
So I told her, "sit on my lap,
We'll talk about the first thing that comes up".
- Yeah? - Just got the text. he's on his way.
He did very good.
- Don't kill him till I get there. - Right.
Looks like reading all them comics paid off, huh?
Your boy did good, Frankie.
He's his father's son.
Come on now who do you
Who do you who do you
Who do you think you are?
Bless your soul
Oh... I forgot.
I think you're crazy
Just like me
My heroes had the heart to lose their lives out on a limb
What the fuck?!
Oh, shit.
- Hey, what are you doing? - There are people in there!
Yeah. sh-shouldn't we call the fire...
Shit!
Mikey!
Fuck.
- Shit. fuck. - Red Mist!
Red Mist!
Hey, man, can you hear me?
Oh, jeez.
Red Mist!
Red mist! Where the fuck are you?!
We gotta get the hell outta here. dude, move your fucking ass!
Holy shit.
- Did you see those bodies? - Yeah, man.
- Why did you save the teddy? - What?
I don't know, man. come on.
Come.
What the hell are you doing, Frank?
You know I can't be here. What if somebody saw me?
That motherfucker kick-Ass burnt down my warehouse and killed my men,
Gigante.
Wait, wait, wait. slow down. Kick-Ass? are you sure?
You gotta help me, vic. My son was there and he's still missing.
They're all dead!
Everybody in the warehouse is dead.
- Put the gun down, Vic, it's Chris. - Chris is red mist?
It's not red mist you gotta worry about. it's Kick-Ass.
No, no, no, it's not. Kick-Ass is just some geek, dad.
You don't have to worry about him. you need to watch this.
- Why, what does it do? - Are you fucking kidding me?
What?
God-damn it, just sit down.
What are you doing? What the hell is that thing?
You bought this to spy on the nanny when I was a kid.
Don't you remember?
- And you put it in the warehouse? - Yeah.
I thought it'd be cool to put the unmasking of kick-ass on the internet.
Watch.
I told her, "sit on my lap,
We'll talk about the first thing that comes up".
- Yeah? - Just got the text. he's on his way.
He did very good. don't kill him till I get there.
Right.
Who the hell is this guy?
I don't know, dad.
But Kick-Ass told me we're not the only superheroes in town.
Maybe he knows who this guy is.
I want this place locked down.
Nobody comes in, nobody goes out.
Not until somebody finds this cocksucker...
...and pulls his fucking lungs out through his ass!
Listen, they're on to you. do you hear me?
They're on to you.
I thought they were looking for Kick-Ass.
Not any more. gigante put on a movie show for us.
Different superhero.
In a warehouse, killing a whole bunch of D'Amico's guys.
I'm gonna guess that was you.
- I killed all the cameras. - Apparently not. look, bro...
...you need to get ghost, hide yourself quick.
Appreciate that.
Mindy... no more homework, baby doll.
It's time for Frank D'Amico to go byebye.
X-Men, the Fantastic Four.
Right now, I envied the crap out of them.
Everything was out of control. I didn't know what the hell to do.
You okay, buddy? you look tired.
Early night tonight, maybe?
And there was no-one I could talk to about it.
Dave? hello?
Yeah, you bet I will.
I never felt more alone.
I'd always dreamed of being a superhero...
...but this was a nightmare.
It was time to stop wearing this stupid costume.
But there was one last thing I needed it for.
What's the difference between Spiderman and Peter Parker?
Spiderman gets the girl.
Hey, I'm Kick-Ass.
I'm Kick-Ass. you mail me?
Please.
Oh, fuck! oh, fuck!
Fucking freak in a mask!
- Get out of my house! - Katie, I'm not gonna hurt you.
All right?
Oh, no, no, no, it's me, it's me. all right?
- I, I was only trying to surprise you, I'm sorry. - Dave?
What the fuck are you doing? why are you dressed as Kick-Ass?
- Because I am Kick-Ass. - what are you talking about?
And I'm also not gay.
Fuck!
And I'm an idiot, and a shit friend. I lied to you, I know, and if...
Oh my god.
I know. If it makes you feel any better,
I, I don't think you can hate me any more right now than I hate myself.
Please...
...look, I'm really, really sorry.
I've never met anyone who's as beautiful and as kind and...
...lovely as you.
You deserve better.
Dave.
Yes?
My mom has the burglar alarm on downstairs,
So you should probably use the window.
Or...
...or you could just stay.
Stay? What like when we have a sleepover?
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you.
Well...
We gotta get over it...
...on top of it and then into it. right in the middle of it.
Daddy, I think I've found one.
It's perfect and they can deliver it in 3 days.
Ah, it's 300,000 bucks.
Well, can you think of anything else you'd rather spend it on?
Oh my gosh. that is cool.
Yeah.
Add to shopping cart.
Okay.
Out of Kick-Ass and Red Mist, who would win in a fight?
Why are they fighting? that seems stupid.
- What do you think? - I don't know,
But Kick-Ass is cuter.
Really?
Mmm-hmm.
I for one would definitely fuck his brains out if I got the chance.
- You would? - Definitely.
Do you feel like checking out that new Kate Hudson movie...
...where she's a shoe designer who can't get a guy?
- we could make the next showing... - Hell, yeah.
Guess we're not invited.
You know what? Come here.
I'm gonna convert you to a comics reader right now.
Suddenly I understood why superheroes only existed in comic books.
I got why people didn't risk their lives for strangers.
Because, for the first time in my life, I had something worth living for.
Something to lose.
Katie worried about me getting hurt,
So I promised her my Kick-Ass days were over.
And the truth was I hardly missed it at all.
I hadn't even checked the website for, like, a week.
Okay, I'm off, then.
No Katie tonight?
Tomorrow. Wednesday, she's got one of those volunteer things.
You seem like a different guy, you know that?
Your mom would have been so happy to see you out of your shell like this.
Have a good night.
Hey, baby.
Hey, what's going on?
I gotta do a Kick-Ass thing.
What? I thought you were done with that.
This is the last time. I totally swear.
I worry about you.
Well, I wish you wouldn't worry.
I can't help it, I do because I...
...I care about you a lot.
I care about you a lot, too.
This better be pretty serious, dude.
Cos I promised my girlfriend that I'm done with all this shit.
How about both of us being dead? is that serious enough for you?
Dead? how?
Well, it turns out those dead guys from the warehouse
Had some bad motherfuckers for friends, and they think we did that shit.
There's a price on our heads, man.
A price on our heads? what is this, the wild west?
I'm not messing with you, dude. they found out where I lived.
They trashed my place. I'm fucking screwed,
- and you're next, okay! - All right. what?
Shit.
What do we do?
Remember you mentioned that there are other superheroes?
Yeah.
Well, do you think they can help us?
Hot chocolate... extra marshmallows.
Man, that looks even cooler than it did in the picture.
Child, you know that's because in the picture it didn't have Gatling Guns.
Nice job. I'm gonna take mine to bed, okay?
Okay, baby doll. sleep tight.
Thanks.
- Oh, kick-ass? - Mmm-hmm.
You go get dressed. I'll tell him to meet us at safe house 'b'.
We'll have our hot chocolate when we get back.
- Okay, daddy. - Come on.
There you go.
- Do you know where that is? - No, but I'll put it in the gps.
Right, let's go.
Shit.
Okay, okay, okay.
Well. here you are and... Red Mist. two.
- Pleasure to meet you. - Good to meet you, sir.
Please, come in.
After you.
Hit girl. manners, honey.
Hi, I'm hit girl.
No!
Your ass is mine!
He's with me, he's okay.
Shut the fuck up kid. your daddy's the boss. you go home.
Are you shitting me?
He's fine. He's with me! Let him go!
Get outta here! Get the fuck out of here.
Hot damn. I always wanted one of these.
- Are you seriously gonna take that? - Yes. come on, sweet cheeks.
If you don't get your wannabe superhero ass in the car...
...you're gonna have a lot of trouble on your hands.
That's really funny. you're so fired.
Kick-Ass...
Get him outta here, get him outta here. get him in the van.
Kick-Ass, I'm sorry, I...
Get in the car. get in there.
You better fire this asshole.
Ignore him...
A bazooka?
Okay.
We had a fucking deal, dad, that I'll get you the guy who did it...
...and all I'm asking is you let kick-ass go. he didn't do anything wrong.
Chris, you gotta look at this from my point of view. okay?
I gotta send a public service message to the people out there...
...that being a superhero is bad for your health.
And the big motherfucker...
...nobody knows who he is.
- That's not fair. - Life's not fair, get over it.
What are you gonna do to them?
You really wanna be a part of my business?
Yeah.
Then sit down, shut up and watch.
Frank, we're ready. enjoy the show.
- Are you controlling this thing? - I sure am.
Big brother, watch and learn.
Welcome back. breaking news,
A worldwide web broadcast of the new york superhero
Who calls himself Kick-Ass is about to be shown live.
Rumours have it this will be his farewell appearance...
...that he will announce his retirement from crime fighting...
...but as word of mouth spreads internet providers are predicting that...
...it could be one of the most widely viewed live events in web history.
Where's Dave?
There are no clues as yet as to the exact nature of the broadcast...
Holy shit, have you guys noticed...
He's with Katie, obviously.
Why else would I be here?
There's no idea who is behind the broadcast of this show...
...but we could see widespread server crashes...
Dave, why didn't you tell me this is what you were doing?
You're on the news. Call me.
We go live to the countdown clock as we are moments away.
Showtime.
Hello, boys and girls. now this...
...well, you know who this guy is.
And this guy here is Big Daddy.
And these are my friends. come on in, guys, say hello.
Yeah. yeah, there they are. hello, hello.
Now, big daddy and kick-ass are gonna help us...
...show you why being a hero is a bad idea.
You know what a silent 'K' is?
That's when 'k' is at the beginning
Of the word but you don't pronounce it...
...like in the word 'knuckle-duster'. show them what it can do, guy.
That must've hurt. let's see it from the other side.
I think it did. now in France they say the word "stick" like this.
Baton.
We got some of kick-ass's batons. we're gonna show you what they can do.
Go ahead, boys.
You know, in america we say "stick" like this. baseball bat.
Which is very good for hitting knees and stomachs.
It's also good for hitting balls.
We don't do them individually...
...we do them all together.
Gentlemen, please.
Oh, this looks very painful.
Due to the distressing nature of the images...
...we are unable to broadcast the events streaming live on the internet.
Fuck.
No, no...
Despite initial speculation that this may be some kind of hoax...
...or publicity stunt, it is now clear the hostages are in genuine danger.
That all signs point to the intention to
Stage a live execution in the next few minutes.
Even with my metal plates and my fucked-up nerve endings...
...I gotta tell you... that hurt.
Kerosene. yes, the silent killer.
But not half as much as the idea of leaving everything behind.
Katie.
My dad.
Todd and Marty.
And all the things I'd never do.
Like learn to drive.
Or see what me and Katie's kids would look like.
- or find out what happened on 'Lost'. - Spicy, spicy.
And if you think I'm gonna make it
Through this since I'm talking to you now...
...quit being such a smartass.
Hell, dude, you never seen 'sin city'...
...'Sunset Boulevard', 'American Beauty'?
And this...
...for all you cavemen out there...
...is fire.
No.
Fire. fire is good.
Fire is our friend.
Oh, yeah.
Gentlemen...
...time to die.
What the...?
- What the fuck just happened? - Hey, hey, somebody find the lights.
Get the lighter!
It's on the floor right over there. find the lighter.
I got it.
No!
Take cover, child!
Now switch to kryptonite!
Kryptonite. yeah.
Go to Robin's Revenge!
Robin. Robin, Robin...
Show's over, motherfuckers.
I think I'm in love with her, dude.
She looks like she's about 11 years old, but...
I can wait. I solemnly vow to save myself for her.
That should be really difficult for you. are you okay?
Yeah.
Good job.
I'm so proud of you, baby doll.
Are you okay?
Yeah.
But getting shot, daddy, it hurt a lot more than when you did it.
That's because I used low velocity rounds, child.
You're the kindest daddy in the whole world.
No, I just...
... love you.
I love you, too, daddy.
Sleep tight.
What's your name?
I mean your real name.
A superhero never reveals his true identity.
What? look, you can't go on...
However you lived before...
...it's over.
Is there anybody else? Any family or...?
Look, I can take care of myself.
I saved your sorry ass.
What about money? you gotta think long term.
I've got 3 million dollars in a suitcase.
That long term enough for you?
It's not all about the money.
I owe you.
If it wasn't for you I'd be dead.
And if it wasn't for you...
...my dad wouldn't be.
Look...
...pack up whatever you need and we'll go back to my place.
I just need to clean my face.
Just go.
I meant like pyjamas and clothes and stuff.
You can't take that stuff to my house.
You know what my dad really would have wanted?
He would have wanted me to finish what we started.
And that's exactly what I'm gonna do.
Is this Frank D'Amico's place?
All that security.
Are you crazy?
My mom already died for nothing.
So I'm sure as hell not gonna let my dad die for nothing, too.
You can't do this on your own.
Exactly.
Do you wanna deal with owing my dad?
Then shut the hell up and pick your weapon.
Is that what I think it is?
Damn straight. you better start reading the instructions because...
...you're gonna be using it in about 5 minutes.
Listen up, we got 5 minutes and I want you back on your post.
And don't leave a mess.
- Everything okay? - Everything's all right, boss.
I can't believe I got my gun back. look at that.
You know, it's not the...
Well, let her in.
It's a little kid. what's the matter with you?
Are you okay, sweetheart?
I... I lost my mommy and daddy.
She lost her mommy and daddy.
You wanna use my cell phone?
Now can you remember the number?
Had I ever been a real superhero?
The most I'd ever had to offer the world was good intentions...
...and a slightly elevated capacity to take a kicking.
With no power comes no responsibility.
Except...
...that wasn't true.
- Holy shit. - Boss, take cover, please.
I don't give a damn 'bout my reputation
You're living in the past it's a new generation
A girl can do what she wants to do and that's what I'm gonna do
An' I don't give a damn 'bout my bad reputation
Not me
God damn!
Shit!
What the fuck?
Get in here! help me out man!
Holy fuck... everybody's dead!
She's behind the counter. she's out of ammo, okay.
Do you think they caught him?
If they didn't, he will.
- Get out there. - Now?
Yeah, now.
What the fuck is going on?
We got her trapped. she's unarmed.
So what the hell are you guys waiting for?
- Go get her. - Go on, man. go get her!
I ain't got no fucking gun. I'm not going in.
You do now.
Now move!
Go on.
Fuck this shit. I'm getting the bazooka.
Bazooka?
It's only me, boss. everything's under control.
Un... under control? you're grabbing a fucking bazooka, you dumb ass.
Sir?
Do it.
I always wanted to say this...
...say hello to my little friend!
Glory, glory, hallelujah
- His truth is... - Dirty motherfuckers!
...marching on
His truth is marching on
Holy shit!
That is one weird sounding bazooka.
Stu!
Fuck!
Get them!
Playtime's over, kid.
I never play.
Oh, really?
Ruin my business, huh?
Kill every single fucking guy on my payroll.
God, I wish I had a son like you.
Time for a family reunion.
Hey.
Why don't you pick on someone your own size?
- Are you okay? - Yeah.
Time to go home.
Thanks, Kick-Ass.
My daddy...
...he would have been proud of both of us.
Dave.
- Dave Lizewski. - I know that, dumb ass.
Mindy.
Mindy MacReady.
- Bye-bye. - Bye.
Mindy moved in with Marcus and he enrolled her at my school.
- Bye. - Good luck.
First school she'd ever been to...
On the promise that I'd look out for her.
Hey.
Not that she needed me to.
Hey, new kid.
Hi.
Lunch money... now.
Kick-Ass was gone but not forgotten.
And my world was much safer with all the new superheroes.
They said I was their inspiration...
But all I did was make a door into a
World I dreamed about since I was a little kid.
A world full of superheroes, huh?
As a great man once said...
..."wait till they get a load of me".
Take me, I'm alive
Never was a girl with a wicked mind
But everything looks better when the sun goes down
I had everything
Opportunities for eternity and I could belong to the night
I see your eyes
I can see in your eyes, your eyes
You make me wanna die
I'll never be good enough
You make me wanna die
And everything you love will burn up in the light
Every time I look inside your eyes
You make me wanna die
Taste me, drink my soul
Show me all the things that I shouldn't
Know when there's a new moon on the rise
I had everything
Opportunities for eternity and I could belong to the night
I see your eyes
I can see in your eyes, your eyes
Everything in your eyes, your eyes
You make me wanna die
I'll never be good enough
You make me wanna die
And everything you love will burn up in the light
And every time I look inside your eyes
You make me wanna die
I would die for you, my love
My love
You make me wanna die
And I would die for you, my love
My love
We'll burn up in the light
Every time I look inside your eyes
I'm running in the light
Look inside your eyes
I'm running in the light
Look inside your eyes
You make me wanna die
We are young
We are strong
We're not looking for where we belong
We're not cool
We are free
And we're running with blood on our knees
We could rule the world
On a silver platter
From the wrong to the right line
To the open stream
With a crash and burn
Turn it upside down
Just you and me
We are the dream
No other way to be
We are young
We are strong
We're not looking for where we belong
We're not cool
We are free
And we're running with blood on our knees
I could change the world
I can make it better
Kick it up and down
Take a chance on me
With your fake smile
And you think you're better
Gonna put it down
Put it at your feet
No bridge to burn
Nowhere to turn for me
We are young
We are strong
We're not looking for where we belong
We're not cool
We are free
And we're running with blood on our knees
We are young
We are strong
We're not looking for where we belong
We're not cool
We are free
And we're running with blood on our knees
What do they know about us
Are they thinking of somebody else
Are they wondering what we might be
Are they thinking of you or of me
We are young
We are strong
We're not looking for where we belong
We're not cool
We are free
And we're running with blood on our knees
We are young
We are strong
We're not looking for where we belong
We're not cool
We are free
And we're running with blood on our knees
We are young
We are strong
We're not looking for where we belong
We're not cool
We are free
And we're running with blood on our knees
We are young
We are strong
We're not looking for where we belong
We're not cool
We are free