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Mission Control, come in. Mission Control, do you read?
Mayday. Mayday.
On reentry into Earth's orbit, I seem to have fallen into,
I don't know, some kind of tear in time and space.
My coordinates are unknown. Is this even Earth?
Ship's instruments indicate should be White Sands, New Mexico.
Obvious error. Is anyone receiving this? Come back.
Oh, God. Oh, God.
Recovery team! Recovery team, fix coordinates now!
Where the hell am I? Somebody respond!
Recovery team, come back, God damn it!
Does anybody...
Oh, God. Oh, God!
Does anyone read...
No!
This is Today, with Matt Lauer.
We're back now with Dr. Rick Marshall,
whose new book arrives in stores tomorrow.
It was back in Oslo, Doctor, last month, that you just startled your colleagues
with this theory of yours that takes science in a completely new direction.
Quantum... Quantum Paleontology.
Quantum Paleontology, that's correct.
What exactly is that?
Well, it's... Not to say modestly, it's our very future, Matt.
It's the only real solution
to solving this fossil fuel crisis we're experiencing.
And it boils down to two simple words.
Renewable biofuels.
Close. Time warps.
Time warps? Time warps.
You're serious about this.
I'm deadly serious.
Five years, over $50 million on my research.
You've spent $50 million of your own money studying time warps?
No, that's adorable. No, taxpayers' money. I don't have $50 million.
And now you're asking for more.
It's all explained in my book.
I know. We've plugged the book.
Yeah.
Bantam Books. Amazon.
We are living in a time right now with huge cuts in...
I saw.
Huge cuts in spending. Right.
We're in dire economic straits,
and you're spending $50 million on studying time warps.
How do you not think that's irresponsible?
Well, I... Are you smoking?
No, I'm making a balloon animal here, earthling.
But you can't smoke in the studio.
Okay, no one told me that.
Just, you can't.
Look, look... Fine.
There are huge, huge amounts of trans-dimensional energy out there
just waiting for us to throw the switch.
Energy crisis averted.
You are asking people to stake the entire future of industrialized civilization
on what you call "parallel dimensions. "
What about the critics who have a fair question, Doctor?
Mmm-hmm.
They say this theory of yours is not science. It is non-science.
And some are even more blunt, and they say it's nonsense.
How do you respond to that?
My critics? Your critics.
And there are a lot of them. Can you be more specific?
Stephen Hawking.
Stephen Hawking says this is nonsense. That's his word.
Okay, you know what? This interview's over.
Why?
Because, like, your producers said you wouldn't bring that up, all right?
It's a fair question.
No, it's not! It's a hatchet job!
That was my guest Dr. Rick Marshall,
whose book arrives in stores tomorrow.
RICK: Goddamn right it was!
You might want to look for it
in the "I'm out of my freaking mind" department.
When we come back, trampolines.
Summer fun or silent killer?
Wait, wait! He's making a run for the stage!
Are you out of your mind?
Hey, he's so strong! What are you, crazy?
Ladies and gentlemen, esteemed colleagues, I'll conclude with this.
Our very future depends on one thing.
Subatomic particles that move so incredibly fast,
they actually travel backwards in time.
Ask yourself, what if there was a device that could harness these tachyons?
We could open and travel through warps in time and space.
What's that? Not in our lifetime?
My friends, I've designed such a device.
I give to you the tachyon amplifier.
Genius in a box.
Only with this device, you don't travel forwards or backwards.
You travel sideways in time
to another dimension where past, present and future all meet.
And lights!
All right, any questions?
Oh! Great. Yes. You, right there, young man.
Yeah. If you shot a ton of pot at the sun,
would it burn up and get everybody high?
No. No, no.
Are there any real questions that pertain to science?
Do you take Cialis?
Why were you crying in the bathroom before this presentation?
How come it looks like you're about to cry now?
Do dinosaurs have boobs?
That's it. That's it. Everybody out of here.
Get out of here! Go play in the parking lot.
Go run around on the freeway, I don't care.
Okay, guys, let's get some sugar!
I have a question.
Did you ever try to make the tachyon amplifier?
Who are you?
Oh! I'm sorry. I'm Holly Cantrell.
I studied all your work at Cambridge.
I think you're brilliant.
Well, Holly from Cambridge who thinks I'm brilliant,
I started, but I didn't finish. So, no.
No, but you have to build it. I mean, it's the most incredible...
What are you eating?
It's a donut stuffed with M&M's.
That way when you finish the donut, you don't have to eat any M&M's.
But don't you see? You were absolutely right.
Everything... Stop!
Chasing that theory got me laughed out of mainstream science and landed me here.
And you know what? I don't have anyone to blame but myself.
'Cause, as they say, if you don't make it, it's your own damn "vault. "
That's a bitch-slap of truth right there.
If your theories are such rubbish, then explain this.
That fossil is over 265 million years old
with an imprint of a $10 lighter.
Go on, explain that.
I found it out in the desert along with crystals like this
that radiate pure tachyon energy.
Go on.
Explain that.
Captain Kirk's nipples!
The tar pits will be open in five minutes.
Dr. Marshall, please return the page.
Dr. Marshall?
Oh, my God.
Are you all right? Hey. Up you get.
Here. Just lean against... Oh, dear.
I'm fine, okay. I just worked late.
Then I got hungry, and I had several meals and lapsed into a food coma.
I've had issues with food in the past, and I don't know, you know,
just with the stress of everything, I just overdid it.
But I'm in control, and I don't have to go back to Phoenix.
I just... I wanted to come and apologize for yesterday.
My behavior was just...
RICK: No, no, no, it was me.
You finished the tachyon amplifier!
No. No. I mean, yes.
I don't know. I finished building it, yes,
but I didn't have the nerve to test it out.
So I thought a trip to Arby's might give me some courage, but no dice.
Then I had Popeye's, Del Taco.
Fourteen thousand calories later,
I found myself down at Subway,
powering through a 12-inch veggie on whole wheat,
babbling to a cutout of Jared.
It still didn't give me the strength to turn that thing on.
I'm a coward.
You are not a coward. You're a visionary.
This is probably the greatest work of genius in the last 100 years.
God, I hope I get it! I hope I get it
How many...
Is that A Chorus Line?
It's leftover data from the drive.
What a piece of crap!
Look at all the people...
The machine, I mean. Not A Chorus Line.
I love show tunes. They really tell the story of the human condition.
It's a bit gay.
It is great.
Right. Dr. Marshall, you're gonna stop selling yourself short.
You're on the verge of major discovery. Now get up.
Whoa! Where are we going?
We're gonna go and test this little device in the field.
Are you crazy? I'm not prepared for a field test.
Look, we're not gonna make a big deal out of it.
It's just a routine expedition.
A routine expedition?
Purely routine.
Here. Here it is. This is where I found the fossil.
The Devil's Canyon Mystery Cave.
RICK: This dump is a portal?
Well, just look at these readings!
We've just gotta get back in that cave.
RICK: No problem. The place is obviously abandoned.
Not exactly.
So what's your pleasure?
I got Roman candles, bottle rockets,
twitter glitters, dancing butterflies.
This little bitch here, I call the Mexican vasectomy.
Yeah?
Okay, that's in bad taste. How about this?
This little travel mug I like to call "The Perfect Woman. "
Big old set of boobies, no head and a handle.
Mmm-mmm.
Look, we want to go in the cave, all right?
Okay, how about this?
Y'all spend $30 on crap, I'll give you a deluxe tour.
It all goes to a great cause. The Devil's Canyon Resort and Casino!
Wow. That's nice craft.
Seven thousand luxuriously appointed rooms.
Three casinos. One convention center. Ass-tons of parking.
And when everything is complete,
I will turn the tip of this golden teepee into my personal lair,
and I will take a mate and live the rest of my life with her up here.
And when we fight and she pisses me off,
I will banish her to this tip,
where she will be kept as a prisoner and a slave.
Y'all gonna buy anything?
Yeah. Fine.
Hey, Ern! Taking these guys to the cave. Watch the store.
Close your mouth while you're breathing, like we talked about.
You're making everybody over here feel weird.
Prepare to meet your darkest fears
inside the depths of The Devil's Canyon Mystery Cave!
Rule number one, keep your arms and legs inside the boat.
Rule number two, have a kick-ass, awesome time.
But be warned, you may get wet.
I'm sorry, "may"? Actually, I need to know.
This equipment cannot get wet.
Not you. Mary Poppins.
Say that again, and I'll drown you.
Good to go.
Cave ride begins!
Caveologists say this old cave is 100 years old
and holds 1,000 mysteries.
Or is it 1,000 years old and 100 mysteries?
Well, that, my friends, is just one of the mysteries.
Say what you will, the man is a showman.
Without a doubt, this cave is most infamous
for the legend of the Devil's Canyon Lizard Man.
He's been seen around these parts since the Pilgrim times.
Snapping his claws, hissing, trying to eat people up,
lurking about in the dark, dark shadows of this very cave.
But those are just legends. Aren't they?
Are you asking us?
No, I'm not. Ernie! Aren't they?
Here it comes, Will.
Oh, God! The Lizard Man!
You're paying for that.
I most definitely am not.
You know, I'm sitting here trying to give you guys a really awesome adventure,
and you guys are giving me nothing in return.
I got the gloves on, the hat, the pageantry.
Holly, I'm getting a strong tachyon reading.
I think I can boost the hell out of the signal with a resonant wave.
Well, go for it.
Man, you guys don't even care.
God, I hope I get it! I hope I get it
No, no! There are no show tunes on this ride!
God, I hope I get it! I hope I get it
How many boys? How many girls? How many boys? How many girls?
Something's happening. Is this part of the ride?
No, Hoss, this ain't me. This is an earthquake.
Greatest earthquake ever known!
Marshall, I think you should turn it off!
Marshall, the meter!
Swim, Holly!
We're moving!
WILL: This isn't me! This isn't me!
RICK: Why are we moving so fast?
Do I look like I know what's going on?
What's that sound?
Is there a waterfall in here?
Hell, no, dude! This isn't even a real stream!
It's industrial runoff from the soap factory down the street!
RICK: What is that? What is that? What is that?
Oh, God! Oh, shit!
This is not a routine expedition!
WILL: Reverse! Reverse! Boat, reverse!
It's beautiful!
I gotta say, I did not see that coming.
Ernie, you bastard. That was way too fast.
Ernie! Too fast!
Marshall!
I think you should come and look at this!
Do you realize what this means?
RICK: Yes! It means
Matt Lauer can suck it!
Holly, are you rolling? Yeah.
WILL: That was a Viking ship!
And a Cessna! Shut up! Just shut up!
Okay, currently in our party, me, Dr. Rick Marshall,
doctoral candidate Holly Cantrell,
and some trashy trailer park reject
who smells of malt liquor and feet.
I'm standing right here! I was right. Okay?
Holly, right here.
Just as I predicted, we have been...
We have fallen through a time portal
from our Earth to another dimension where past, present and future
are all mashed up together.
WILL: How the hell did this happen?
My tachyon amplifier, that's how it happened!
You mean that shitty boom box pumping show tunes?
Yes, it worked.
Well, where the hell is it?
Okay, minor setback.
My tachyon amplifier, which undoubtedly will be the only
possible way for us to open a doorway home,
is nowhere to be seen.
What?
WILL: What the hell was that?
I have no idea, but let's go find out.
Advanced primates. RICK: Yeah.
They've got the posture of an Australopithecine,
but the sagittal crest suggests that...
No, no, no, shut up!
I will not let you ruin this moment.
I've waited my entire life to see the mighty Bigfoot.
Hey, man, are you touching yourself?
Marshall, look!
Oh, my God.
Tool construction! Tool construction!
No, they're gonna kill him!
No!
Uh-oh!
Okay, you eggheads, you follow my lead.
I know just how to party with these guys.
You little monkey bastards!
Prepare to bow down and worship me!
For behold, ye troglodytes, I command the power of fire.
Will, that's not a good idea.
How do you like me now? You wanna disco dance with...
Ow! Son of a bitch!
Well done.
You've now just given murderous primitives the power of fire.
It's all right.
Don't be frightened.
We're friends.
Friends.
Careful, Holly.
Come on. Come on.
Come on. There we go.
I spent three years at the Manchester Zoo primate house.
I'm recognizing a very primitive language.
Now, me, Holly.
Holly.
Yes! Holly!
Horry.
Holly. Me, Holly.
You?
Me.
Chaka.
Chaka. Chaka! No.
Holly. Chaka.
Nice work.
Yeah. Will. Will.
Good work. Good work, Holly. Let me take over from here.
Greetings. Chaka! Chaka.
I'm Dr. Rick Marshall.
Dr. Rick Marshall.
Okay?
Let's take a look at that ankle. Does that sound good?
Keep in mind, Chaka, although I'm a doctor, I'm not a licensed physician.
Okay? I'm just gonna take a little look.
How dare you? How dare you? I mean you no harm!
I mean you no harm! Marshall! Marshall! Marshall!
RICK: Don't you run from me, you little shit!
Hey! Hey, hey, hey! Now you're dead!
RICK: Damn you, Chaka.
Now, was that necessary?
Marshall, Marshall, wait, you'll scare him.
What was that?
Look, he was never in any danger, okay?
Chaka. Friend. Safety. Safety. Safety!
Holly, tell him.
Marshall! Marshall!
Here...
Well, that's more like it. Holly, what did you tell him?
I think I told him that you're a great chief, and you're very powerful,
and I think he's pledging his lifelong loyalty to you.
That's hardly necessary, my little friend,
but I will honor your customs.
And you may serve me.
In return, I will be a fair but very strict master.
Okay. Off! Off!
What is wrong with you people? That sandpit swallowed us!
I mean, can you all please act like this doesn't happen every single day?
You're starting to make me feel really stupid.
RICK: Okay, okay, hold on. Let's gather ourselves.
Take a deep breath in.
Oh, my God!
RICK: Fortunately, I've been in this exact situation three times before.
WILL: When? When have you ever been in this situation before?
RICK: I've never been in this situation before!
I'm just trying to keep up morale.
God, I sure hope that was a coyote.
Good God! It's a feeding station!
If anyone knows about meal presentation, it's me.
Oh, God! Oh, God!
Grab hands! Create some momentum.
Let's swing over to that tree.
Extension.
WILL: Okay. Reach.
RICK: Good form, everyone!
Working in concert!
Don't be afraid to point the toe.
One more. One more should do it.
Everybody move out! Chaka, your master commands you to...
Bad Chaka! Your loyalty is now in question!
WILL: That was a dinosaur!
RICK: T. Rex! Definitely in predator mode.
WILL: Will you hurry up? You're slowing us down!
Why are you wearing high heels?
RICK: They're not high heels. They're my Florsheim zipper boots.
Why are you wearing Florsheims on a field expedition?
I told you I was not prepped to go into the field!
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! We need a photo.
Nice field skills, Holly!
Will, stand over there. What?
This is proof I'm right, and I want photos.
Stand there. We need you for scale.
Scale?
Marshall, do we need the red eye feature?
Yes, his eyes do look red.
Jesus Christ, just take the picture! Okay, just stand still!
Stand still, please. Okay, ready.
One, two, three!
Fantastic. Run! Run like hell!
Where the hell's the monkey?
Look! Chaka's waiting for us at the other end of the bridge!
Good Chaka! Your master's pleased!
Marshall, it really looks like he's trying to destroy the bridge.
Chaka, wait!
Master not pleased!
It's okay. He can't cross.
He has terrible depth perception.
He thinks this chasm's a million miles long.
He's not what you'd call an athlete, Mr. T. Rex.
See? He's walking away in utter helpless defeat.
After all, his brain is the size of a walnut.
Sure, his sense of smell may be acute,
but eyesight, hearing, all of his higher functions
completely compromised by that walnut-sized brainpan.
I mean, forget about the Polish.
It's the T. Rexes who are the real dummies of the world.
In fact, Chaka, funny story...
RICK: Frigging run!
RICK: Follow the monkey!
Cave!
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
He's looking at you, Marshall.
No. No. He's watching you.
He's looking at everyone.
No, I'm certain he's looking at you.
He is grumpy.
I think that's what we should call him, Grumpy.
Yeah, that's a cute name.
Is he gone?
Yeah.
Pussy.
What a puss.
Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.
This'll work just fine. We'll call this base camp.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
We cannot stay here. Bad things happen in caves, folks.
Watch your movies.
Guys, can we just please take a minute to absorb this?
I mean, we must be the first people to ever set foot in this world.
It's incredible!
Oh, God, we're screwed.
No, no. No. No.
Chaka, no! No.
Go on.
Okay, you know what?
I don't want Chaka sleeping in the cave tonight.
Whoa! Not cool, dude.
No, it's a reasonable precaution, all right?
He was just about to be executed,
and I think he might have done something to deserve it.
Hey, my man is right here. Obviously he has feelings, okay?
RICK: He doesn't have feelings.
Man, come on, look at him.
He's adorable. He's a little cuddle machine.
RICK: What?
WILL: Yeah, the least you could do is let him defend himself.
I don't speak monkey anyhow. Do you?
No, I don't. I didn't think so.
Here, let me try.
Chaka?
He says he's a prince amongst his people.
Right.
The victim of a treacherous plot to steal his throne.
And the only thing he's ever guilty of was...
Is love.
Aw!
Oh, brother. Give me a break.
And he's been treated far too harshly for the very simple crime of...
Pooping in the village well.
That's why you're not sleeping in the cave.
I can't tell anymore.
Hey, mister, fuck you.
Hold on, hold on. Where you going with that?
I'm just gonna block the first point of egress here
so that we're not vulnerable.
No, no. Bless your heart.
Classic tenderfoot mistake.
Don't beat yourself up over it. Here's the thing.
Never put anything near the mouth of the cave to draw attention to us.
Did you not just see that we drew the attention
of a highly intelligent psycho dinosaur?
Look, I think the Ph. D. after my name
means I know a little something about dinosaurs.
Dinosaurs are creatures of brute instinct.
Like I've said before, it's got a brain the size of a walnut.
Okay? You got me? A walnut.
Now think about...
What's that? What's that?
Sweet Gregor Mendel.
What is it?
It's a walnut.
Well, obviously this is between you and him.
Day two. 0600, Zulu Time.
Did not sleep last night at all, not one bit.
Still no sign of the tachyon amplifier, our only way home.
Field rations are running dangerously low.
Thusly, I've made the determination that, if need be,
if faced with starvation, we will cook and eat Chaka.
I've been thinking about this a lot, actually.
If Chaka meat were the secret ingredient on Iron Chef,
I'm sure Bobby Flay would probably serve it
with roasted red peppers and a dash of cumin and a braised polenta.
It wouldn't be an easy thing to do,
but if you slow roast the little guy,
I'm sure that Chaka meat would just fall right off the bone.
Food train coming through!
Fantastic! I'm absolutely starving.
And fresh fruit. It's like morning at Wimbledon.
Hold on a second there, Holly. I don't recognize that genus of succulent.
Perhaps the native inhabitant can help us.
Chaka. Rick Marshall. Chaka.
Are they safe? To eat?
Eat? Eat?
Eat. Marashalla.
Eat. Eat.
Thank you, Chaka. Thank you so much for listening to me.
Sorry for doubting you, my little friend.
Has a pungent flavor. Smells good. Very meaty...
Jesus, Chaka! What the hell?
Friends?
Well. Yes, technically, I guess.
However, I am your master.
Okay? We have entered into a verbal contract.
You need to understand that. Okay?
Holly! Quick! To the cave mouth. Sentry positions.
Looks like a plasma discharge. Or maybe beta rays!
Marshall? Marshall! Marshall!
Help me, please.
I will.
Marshall! Marshall, where are you going?
Someone or something knows we're here!
It's in my head, calling to me!
Step back, Holly!
What are you doing?
I've seen this before. He's got the jungle madness.
We gotta put him down while he still has some dignity left.
Chaka, let's roll!
What?
Friends! Friends!
You see? This is the place!
A beacon.
A transmitter, tapping directly into my prefrontal lobe.
What the hell? Stop it!
Well, I'll be.
I guess you weren't crazy.
Okay. I'm man enough to say that's my bad.
Wow. That's incredible. The architecture.
It's almost like the Olmec culture of Mesoamerica.
Reminds me of the Prudential building.
No!
WILL: I'll bet somebody's growing weed in here.
RICK: You feel that? That ambient energy?
Just like at Devil's Canyon.
Yep.
Tachyon radiation.
Marshall, the meter can't be far.
WILL: Holy shit.
Finally, something cool, huh? What, no reaction?
You guys have seen that before, too, I take it, huh?
In your lab.
What's this thing?
Hey, maybe this is where our ancient ancestors hosted the Latin Grammys.
Just picture Santana hauling this sucker home.
And it vibrates!
I wouldn't touch that, all right?
Do you believe in life after love?
That is so dumb and childish.
Do you believe in life after love?
Will, will you please be quiet? Dr. Marshall needs silence.
I can feel something inside me say
I really don't think you're strong enough, oh!
Wow! Yeah.
I can really feel it in my forearms.
Yeah, usually you have to pay for something like this.
Oh, gosh.
Holly, you should sit on this.
No! No!
Hmm? What?
What is it, Chaka? What did you say?
What is he saying?
I don't know. It's the same thing over and over.
Chorizo tacos.
Are you saying "chorizo tacos"?
Don't play around, because I am super hungry.
No.
What the hell does that mean?
Well, I'm afraid we'll never know.
Oh! Okay.
Oh, shit, it's not chorizo tacos.
No immediate danger. Cold-blooded and slow.
I repeat, no immediate danger.
Will you stop that?
Please! You are freaking me out!
WILL: Oh, gosh. They're everywhere.
They're just like zombies. That's how zombies get you. Volume!
We're all gonna die.
Like hell.
I'm gonna take at least one of these bastards with me,
even if he has to choke to death on my skull!
Oh!
What, do you want some, too, do you?
WILL: What are you guys doing?
One second.
What in the hell?
Get in!
Oh, God.
Wait, stand down, Holly.
All right.
Hang on. Yeah.
Hang on, I think we're safe!
They don't seem to be able to make it through the entrance.
Thank God for that. That one keeps peering into my soul.
Well, this is just fantastic.
We're gonna just stand in here and suffocate
in this tiny, little huge thingie?
RICK: Wow, that is an efficient use of space.
WILL: It's like Snoopy's doghouse.
Look, there's a gold one. Let's stomp its head in.
Do not fear me.
I am Enik the Altrusian.
Thank Vindok you've come to my aid, Rick Marshall.
You know me? Of course.
Even in the farthest reaches of the universe,
we have seen your Matt Lauer video.
I am a prisoner in this land of the lost.
Only you can help me escape.
The fate of the universe depends on you.
Well. That's very flattering, Enik,
but I think you've found the wrong guy. I...
No, Rick Marshall.
I have summoned you here specifically to help me stop an evil madman
who has already conquered my world and now plans to conquer yours.
His name is the Zarn.
I am the Zarn! Heed my warning or be destroyed!
The Zarn became obsessed with using the power of these crystals
to conquer the universe.
If he is not stopped, he will open a doorway to your world
and lead his army of Sleestak on a rampage across time and space.
He must be stopped.
Enik, buddy.
I'm a scientist. You're a scientist.
I think together you and I can figure this out. Now...
You mustn't touch the crystals!
Okay!
The wrong manipulation of the crystals
could turn time and space inside out.
What do you need from us?
The Zarn lacks only one thing to enact his evil plan.
A device to amplify tachyons and unleash the full power of the crystals.
Well, Marshall's created a device that isolates tachyon interference.
Yeah, I did that.
Of course.
With tachyon particles focused along the proper temporal vector
a stable passageway can be opened... Opened
to any point in the space... ...to any point in the space...
...time continuum! ...time continuum!
You and I are so smart!
Rick Marshall, I knew instantly you could help me.
Thank you.
You are a truly advanced intellect.
I don't know how you manage amongst these others.
I don't know how I do, either. I really don't!
Excuse me!
You have this tachyon amplifier?
I lost it on the way, and I don't know where.
It could be lost in time. On the contrary.
I detect it nearby. It...
Strange. I cannot precisely pinpoint its location.
It moves.
Leave it to us.
If it's out there, we'll find it.
Not so fast, amigo.
Little rule I live by, "Never trust a dude in a tunic. "
You live by that rule?
Yes. It's never led me astray.
All right, come on. Enik, are you well enough to travel?
No. My place is here in the pylon. I must protect the crystals.
If you wish to return home, these crystals are the doorway.
Your device is the key. Find it before the Zarn does.
Bring it to me and rescue us all. Rescue the universe!
All right, everyone, gather around!
Let's go! Chop-chop!
Hustle up.
Marshall, did you just make that?
Yeah. Yeah, I'm a bit of a miniatures enthusiast.
It's very impressive.
Thank you.
Yeah, well, I see some obvious scaling issues, but...
I think it's pretty damn good.
All right, we are here.
As you can see, desert, forest.
What's this look like?
It's the cave.
That's the cave. That's where we're living.
Standard volcano. Okay?
Now, I will tether Will to this hot air balloon right here.
Okay? And it will be fitted with a crude tachyon reflector-array
that I fashioned out of a thermal blanket and a cell phone charger.
I don't remember ever volunteering for that.
Holly, you and I will follow Will's directions
as he searches for the telltale ping of the missing
and still presumably operational tachyon meter.
Oh, God, he's close.
I've taken care of that.
During the course of my professional career,
I've done extensive research with reptiles and various birds of prey,
of which dinosaurs are.
Well, that's disputable.
Please be quiet.
They have a very acute sense of smell.
And now while I've gathered this
strictly for genetic research to be used upon our return,
I think it would prove wise to use this now. Hadrosaur urine.
We are going to cover our...
Wait. What is that?
Hadrosaur urine.
How'd you get that?
Well, while you were sleeping,
I'm out gathering research. Okay?
This was to be used for genetic engineering,
and I was going to write a report on kidney function,
but now it'll just be camouflage. We'll all blend in. Okay?
So we will cover ourselves...
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
I'm just trying to figure this out.
Oh, my God!
So you've been gathering urine.
Yes. What's the problem?
That means that you stood under a dino dong with a bucket.
If you want to be technical and reduce it to its basest element, yes, I was.
How'd that work out for you?
Are you honestly asking me?
Yeah.
It's very peaceful. It's a little bit like fly fishing.
Just out there in the night air. Still. Calm.
And then, zing! You get a big catch.
Okay. So we'll cover our bodies in urine,
and then we'll be virtually undetectable to all dinosaurs.
All right. Here they come. Should have thought of this a long time ago.
Whoo!
That's refreshing!
Make sure to ingest some. Get that in the bloodstream.
Don't do that.
Okay, who's next?
Really. It's not that bad.
Check that.
Just starting to burn in my eyes a little bit. Did not plan for that.
It gets up in the nostrils, too. You do not want that.
Wow. That's early morning stuff.
That is strong!
Maybe a second splash will reduce some of the effects.
Immediately made it worse.
Where's my laser pointer? Never mind.
We will probably have to be doing...
Ow!
Who's that?
Maybe we should just follow him. Nice model, though.
Yeah, fine, let's forget my model and let's follow the monkey.
RICK: Shut up, Chaka!
Are we there yet?
You find this funny, Chaka?
This is the damn Bataan Death March out here.
My God!
RICK: Absolutely incredible.
This must be the main entry point into this world.
RICK: It's like a cosmic lost and found.
WILL: Wow, look at all this kick-ass shit to steal.
This is like the world's greatest mall.
Yeah, Will, it's just like a mall.
The only thing it's missing is a food court!
Compsognathus! Look how they move!
Wow. Where are all these chupacabras going to?
I'll tell you where they're going to.
Our raft. The tachyon meter can't be far.
Our raft? That's my raft! Get away from there!
WILL: Stop pecking on my raft!
There's your food court.
Ice cream.
Hey, hey, hey! What are you doing?
What? I'm gonna go pony up and get Chaka a cone.
It's his first. No, there's a reason
why those dinosaurs hang out there. They know.
They know what?
It's feeding time.
Whoa! Whoa!
An Allosaurus. Female.
Yeah.
RICK: We're in luck.
These large predators are extremely territorial.
Virtually nothing will distract them from each other.
Crap balls!
What do you know?
This is one of those situations where dumping piss on your head's a bad idea.
Run!
Lead, Chaka!
Lead your master to safety!
Hey! Chaka!
Chaka, no!
Why? You're a little asshole, Chaka!
Spread out! It'll confuse him!
Try running in a serpentine pattern!
He's incapable of rapid course correction!
Serpentine, everyone!
Serpentine! Serpentine! Serpentine!
Serpentine! Serpentine!
Serpentine!
Son of a tit!
Hey, Marshall, you ever get tired of being wrong?
I do. I really do. Bone tired.
Get on your horse, Rick Marshall.
They're working as a pair.
Fascinating but terrifying.
No!
Marshall!
RICK: Still here! I hope you're taping this!
I got it!
I don't want to... I don't want to die in a Hummer!
It's a massacre.
Quiet!
Gross.
RICK: Set the catapult!
What?
Set the catapult!
What?
Set the F-ing catapult!
This thing?
RICK: Catapult, now!
No, no, no, no! Take her that way!
Go that way!
Just do it!
Come on.
How the hell do you set a catapult?
I don't know. Just turn it.
One! Two!
Three!
Crank that thing!
Oh, God. Oh, God.
Crank that mother!
I'm coming in hot!
Keep going!
Put your backs into it.
Package has arrived.
What's the package?
It's a canister of refrigerant.
Hit it now!
I did not expect that.
Gay show tunes!
Cassie. Bebe. Tachyon meter!
Still it isn't over
We did it! We're saved!
Look at all the people!
That blows.
Marshall?
What are you doing?
I'm giving up.
And it feels good.
But what about finding a way home and validation for your life's work?
You're just gonna give all that up just to lie here?
No, of course not.
Lying here is just Phase One of the plan.
It's Phase Two that gets me really excited.
It involves adjusting the angle of my recline
and putting this hand halfway down my pants.
Deceptively simple, yet elegant.
Yep. I tried, I failed, and you know what?
Once again, it's my own damned vault.
You mean "fault. "
No, I actually mean "vault. " It's from a poster with a pole vaulter on it.
That's really freaking stupid, man.
You know, actually, I can't even believe I'm hearing this.
Any scientist in his right mind would give his...
Initiating Phase Two.
Do you know how I first heard about you? As a joke.
First year at Cambridge, we used to e-mail your little appearance
with Matt Lauer around for a laugh.
I mean, as YouTube Hall of Fame moments goes,
it was Lauer versus Marshall,
and then that monkey pissing in his own face. In that order.
But I wasn't laughing, because I was fascinated.
I saw a man who was willing to swim dangerous waters
for the sake of his need to know.
I took that to heart, Dr. Marshall.
I committed myself to your theories,
and then I got tossed out of Cambridge for it.
For my theories, you threw your future away?
Yeah, that's what everyone told me.
But I didn't believe it, not till now.
Have you seen this monkey video?
Yeah, I've seen it about a dozen times.
God bless the Internet. Come on, Chaka.
Let's work on our mission statement.
Okay.
How's it going?
What's wrong, little guy? You okay?
Lady troubles?
Yeah.
Yeah, tell me about it.
This obviously stays between me and you,
but I'm coming up on a six-year dry spell.
Yeah. Yeah.
He says that he misses his tribe. It's a beautiful existence.
They're carefree and nomadic, and they live where the food is.
Just like me.
I moved tres times just to be closer to a Ruby Tuesday's.
Yeah. Continue.
Their women wait on the men,
serving all their needs.
I'm liking this. Continue.
Though they're ugly,
they make up for it with nice personalities.
He says as prince of his tribe,
he personally is served by a harem of 7,000 women.
Wow. Not bad, little dude.
Yeah, and they bring him all the apples he can...
Oh! Yeah.
Yeah, you get the idea. I'm not translating that.
Any room around that fire for a jerk like me?
I thought you gave up.
I did. I gave up on giving up.
Sat out there for a long time,
just me, my shame,
and this little four-string.
Then I had a change of heart.
I tried too long and hard to think of something to say to you guys,
and, well, I realized there wasn't anything to say.
But maybe, just maybe, there's something I could sing.
No, it's all right. It...
Marshall, Will and Holly
On a routine expedition
Met the greatest earthquake ever known
That's all I got. Yeah, that was fine.
Yeah, apology accepted, dude. That's...
Thanks. You guys are being so generous.
I really appreciate it. I think the healing has begun.
Met the greatest earthquake ever known
High on the rapids, it struck their tiny raft...
That's good.
And plunged them down...
I'm so tired.
A thousand feet below...
Well, I'm feeling weak. Really bushwhacked.
Anyway, here's... Here's how I end it.
A little arpeggio, nothing fancy.
I'm really kind of sleepy.
To the land...
Land of the...
I'm so... I'm so tired. So...
What happened?
You had a bug on you, but it's gone now.
Okay.
All right, everyone, rise and shine.
Listen up. It's a new day.
Yes, we've had a setback.
Yes, it is tempting to stay in this world and die,
but that's not how the new Marshall rolls. You hear me?
Not by a damn sight.
This isn't "hands down the pants" Marshall. All right?
This isn't "gorging on two pints of Ben & Jerry's and a whole spiral-cut ham
"while watching not one but two Mama's Family's Reunions" Marshall.
Uh-uh! He's gone.
Here's the deal. Enik's counting on us.
The whole world's counting on us.
If we have any hope of returning home,
we need to take back that tachyon meter, and take it back hard.
That means climbing, hours of arduous climbing up sheer cliffs.
Not tomorrow, not in a few hours, but right now.
Understood? Yep.
Understood, Will?
Hmm?
Let's move out, you pansies.
Hey! This is not a race, okay?
Again! Step, kick, kick, leap, kick, touch
Right, let's do the whole combination facing away from the mirror
From the top, A-five, six, seven, eight!
WILL: What the hell?
Pterodactyl eggs are incubating all over the caldera.
And there's your shitty boom box.
Across a sea of thin volcanic glass.
Okay, Will, what you're gonna want to do is evenly distribute your weight,
while at the same time, keeping an eye out for the eggs.
Hey! Will? I know you're faking.
Okay. Chaka.
Chaka!
Come on.
Fine. Maybe I need to listen to the words
of a group of young kids trying to make it onstage.
God, I hope I get it.
I hope I get it.
Marshall.
Be careful.
I'm up! I'm up. I got this.
Marshall, you got it.
God, I hope I get it!
Do me a favor. Just keep an eye on the mother, okay?
You mustn't change the surface temperature of the eggs.
Even a drop of sweat could activate the hatching process.
Right.
How many people does he...
I really need this job
Please, God, I need this job
I've got to get this job!
I got it. I got it.
All right, let me see the boys The whole group, ready
A- five, six, seven, eight!
RICK: They're hatching! Why are they hatching?
The music! It must be like a lullaby.
Shut up!
God, I hope I get it! I hope I get it
How many people does he need?
God, I hope I get it! I hope I get it
How many boys? How many girls?
Look at all the people! At all the people
How many people does he need?
How many boys? How many girls?
How many people does he...
I really need this job
Please, God, I need this job
I've got to get this job!
RICK: People, we are going home!
I'm gonna miss this place that proves I was right.
Drink. Drink, yes.
Oh! That is delicious and refreshing! Mmm-mmm.
Sweet and sour, like Chinese food.
Yeah.
He's saying it's a celebratory drink in his village.
Cheers!
Yeah, it brings a joyful lightness to the heart and soul.
No, no. No.
No, I'm sorry, it's not "joyful lightness. "
A better translation would be "howling loneliness. "
And then your bravery will be tested as your mind fogs.
And the Shadow Hags will rise from the graves and...
And hold you in an icy embrace.
And it'll feel like your bowel's being pierced
by a ghost serpent.
Well, that can't be right.
No, that can't be right.
Chaka...
Oh, no, no.
Okay, he says it's not ghost serpent.
It's much closer to "zombie dick. "
I think it might be a narcotic.
Is that so?
I need you to be honest with me, okay? You a cop?
Chaka.
That's not an answer, Chaka. That's your name.
Seriously, by law, you have to tell me if you're a police officer.
Marco. Polo.
You wearing a wire?
Marco. Polo.
Hello.
Hot coffee!
I need food. Marshall!
Yeah.
Fruit me, buddy.
Yeah. Yeah, right there.
Get it on there.
Thank you.
Chaka.
I owe you an apology, okay?
I'm a guest in your land.
A guest who came unannounced, uninvited,
and I've treated you like a toilet. A toilet!
I wanna make it up to you.
Because the love I feel for you, and I'm not exaggerating,
is a billion times greater
than the love for mankind that Jesus felt on the cross.
You can take that to the bank.
I'm so glad you guys squashed that.
I love you guys so much. You guys are amazing.
I don't ever want to go home. No.
This is just like Sandals Resort.
Mmm-hmm.
There's good people, a lot of good food. Good times.
I want to make this my life. I must make... Be here all the time.
Yeah.
Mmm.
Hey. Hey.
You're funny, Chaka.
He's hilarious. You're funny.
His jokes are disgusting.
You're funny.
Hey, for real, though? Mmm?
How much money would I have to pay y'all to French kiss each other?
For real?
Totally for real.
For real, for real?
Tongue in his monkey mouth.
Hey, if it doesn't leave the three of us, I'd do it for free right now.
It's not gonna leave here.
I'd do it right now.
Let me see it. Kiss him.
It doesn't leave the three of us?
Never. I won't tell anybody. Who am I gonna tell?
You French kiss him! I... I'm gonna do it.
Come here. I want you to... What?
What? Get... Get...
WILL: You guys are gross!
I don't wanna do it! I don't wanna do it!
I don't wanna do it.
WILL: Oh! That's gross!
I've changed my mind.
Dinosaur eggs!
Dinosaur poo.
This is the Zarn!
Heed my warning or be destroyed!
Well, we're... We're just trying to get home.
Enik the Altrusian has escaped our custody!
He has overtaken the central pylon and its crystals
and now plans to lead his army of Sleestak on a rampage across time and space!
If you're hearing this, heed my warning. Do not believe...
No! Enik! No!
The Zarn.
I've gotta go and warn them that...
Holly?
They've taken Holly.
Chaka? I've got a mission for you. Now listen closely.
I don't know what that means.
Just come on.
Oh, man.
Sentries. Classic hive behavior.
Obviously on patrol.
Yep, just like drones, tirelessly hunting.
Dude, it looks like they're getting ready to make out.
No. No, no, no.
He's about to tap that ass.
Would you shut up?
He's not about to tap that ass.
You're right. He's totally tapping that ass.
Wow. Our own little private show.
WILL: Oh, God, they shed.
Hi.
Hey, don't do that! Just focus.
We find you guilty of providing assistance to Enik the Altrusian.
There she is.
Prepare to meet the Sleestak god.
No.
Stop! Marshall!
Do not interfere!
Dude, what the hell are you doing?
This one was caught trying to deliver a tachyon device to Enik.
If you want Holly, you've gotta deal with us.
No, no, Marshall, don't!
Because we're all friends of Enik!
Enik the Altrusian is guilty of the destruction of an entire civilization.
Entire what now?
Convicted of his crimes,
he was sentenced to 10,000 years imprisonment...
He lied to us.
...and made to wear a tunic as a symbol of his deceit.
Told you, dude. Tunic.
As his allies, you shall die as well.
Seize them!
Come on.
Marshall!
Hold on, Holly!
See you.
We can do this. Ready?
Ready.
Wait. Wait, what about our... Our working relationship?
I've wanted to do that since I first met you.
You mean we could've been doing this the whole time?
Yeah, but I was worried it wouldn't be professional
or it'd distract you from your work.
No. No, not distracting. Never distracting.
Are you guys kidding me? Come on! Really! Now is the time for this?
You know, he's... He's right.
We've got to stop Enik, and right now he has the upper hand.
I mean, I know we have the element of surprise, but...
Yeah, about that.
What?
We sent Chaka to go get him.
Well, then, Rick Marshall.
Coming here represents a slight adjustment to my plans, but no matter.
I have what I need.
And it's all thanks to you, Dr. Marshall, and this.
Don't. We're outgunned.
ENIK: My Sleestak stand prepared.
With the power of the crystals,
they are my slaves, my conquering army.
Thanks to your device,
I can lead an invasion force anywhere I choose in all of time and space.
But I believe I will begin with your Earth.
Oh, no.
ENIK: My Sleestaks reproduce quickly.
Yeah, we already caught some of that action.
ENIK: In mere weeks, your world will be overrun by their scaly offspring.
And when I'm standing in the cinders of your civilization,
I'll be sure to give you full scientific credit.
I know how important that is to you.
Now save your strength. You'll need it.
"You'll need it"? What is he...
Marshall?
Great.
Right, you run and I'll distract him. He's not after me.
No. I'm not running.
This ends here.
Marshall, what are you doing?
Maybe what I was always meant to do.
Now, just go. I'll meet you at the pylon, I hope.
No, we're not leaving without you.
Go!
Get out of here! I don't love you.
Go! Ow! Marshall!
Get! You're ugly.
Look, if you're gonna do this for real, take this.
Got some high-powered fireworks in here that might come in handy.
Are you kidding me?
You mean you've been carrying a bag of fireworks
around with you this whole time?
There's literally a dozen situations where we could have used these.
He's right. None of that's important now, okay?
Listen. I gotta just level with you, bro. I misjudged you.
I thought you were just a dumbass dude who dressed stupid, but I'm wrong.
You're solid. Thanks.
Thick or thin, I will follow you into battle at any time.
You hear me? Absolutely any time.
Okay. How about now?
Like right now? Yes.
Honestly, I didn't really expect you to call the favor in this soon.
So, on this one, unfortunately I'm gonna have to say no.
But I think it's gonna be awesome for you, for personal growth,
just to hit this one solo.
I'm gonna be rooting for you. Okay?
Trenches, bro. It's all about love.
Okay?
After this time, I'm there for you, okay?
Any time after now.
He's your man, not me.
All right, it's a fact. You and I don't like each other.
Yes. And only one will remain.
I'm just gonna have to fight you at your own game.
Stay back. Get back.
Damn, you're quick. 'Cause you're a dinosaur.
But you don't carry around these, do you?
Huh?
Welcome to the big bang theory, my friend.
Damn it, Will!
Ah! That was stupid.
You're cornered, man! There's no way out!
There's always a way out!
'Cause if you don't make it...
It's your own damn vault.
My God! He's gonna do it!
Do it! Do it!
Oh, God!
No, no.
I don't believe it.
Oh, shit.
Yeah! You! You bastard!
Do you realize who you just ate, do you?
Probably the most brilliant man ever.
Probably the only man who ever really knew you.
All right, so he was wrong about the size of your brain,
but you don't go and eat a man for that.
You reason with him, you stupid idiot!
He was your future!
He was my future!
And I'm never gonna get a chance to tell him that because of you!
It's cool. It's cool.
I'm sorry.
Right. Now we must get home. We're gonna get back,
and we're gonna tell the world what Dr. Rick Marshall did here today.
Come on, you big green bastards.
I am sick and tired of you slow-moving little wankers!
Will!
All right, little dude. Let's do this.
Lock and load!
Boo-ya!
You want some of this? Eat, Chaka, eat!
Holly!
Will!
Step... Step and lift!
All right, my murderous friend, take us home.
Get!
Bite that guy right back there! Nice.
Good get.
That's him. That's him.
Upper deck! The horror!
God, that is the coolest thing I have ever seen.
Let's do it, pal.
The only thing cooler would be if he'd slide down Grumpy's tail
just like Fred Flintstone would do when...
Oh, God, I've lived. I have lived.
Easy. Hey, come on, it tickles.
Marshall!
What happened?
Dude, we thought you had died!
Died? No. That was just a minor setback.
Okay, let's go home.
No, no, no, wait. This is insane.
We saw you go down Grumpy's cake hole.
What, did he puke you out or something? Well...
No, it's not possible. The T. Rex lacked a gag reflex.
Not important right now.
I'm okay, and that's it.
This is a puzzler.
Look, I'd really rather not talk about it, okay?
Now, let's light this candle.
No, Marshall, how did you get out?
I will talk to you about it later!
Individually, to each one of you. I'll explain it.
Jeez. Would you grow up?
Oh, my God!
Yes, he pooped me out!
And now you guys are friends?
While I was snaking my way through his bowels, I don't know, I...
I must have dislodged some sort of intestinal blockage.
And, yes, he's in a much better mood now.
So can we move on? I really would like to go home.
You were deuced out by a dinosaur. That is incredibly cool.
Grumpy, listen.
When you talk about this, and you will,
please be gentle. Okay?
All right, gangsta, let's bones it out.
Don't worry about it. It's hard with your vestigial arm.
Let's go, guys. To freedom.
ENIK: Thank you, Dr. Marshall.
And now, the doorway opens.
Enik!
It's over. You're not going anywhere.
You think you can challenge me?
I wrestled at Purdue.
J.V.
Fight, fight, fight!
Chaka! Nicaraguan ball breaker!
Marshall! I'm coming in!
Misfire!
What have you done?
The door. It's closing forever!
It's barely holding. Let's go!
It's your home or your comrade, Dr. Marshall.
No, it isn't. Reverse!
You go! I've got this yellow bastard in lockdown.
I'm gonna stay.
What? What?
Yeah. I've been talking to my man Chaka.
He pitches a pretty good world.
I mean, think about it. My home was never in the real world.
I never belonged. This could be a fresh start for me.
You know, make some new friends.
I could be somebody, a winner.
Ow!
Wow, I really admire you right now.
I just feel like so many people go through this life
looking for what I've found here, you know?
And they themselves, they never find it.
Or worse, they find it, but they let it slip away.
I am so afraid of that happening.
You wouldn't be human if you didn't feel scared.
Marshall! Please.
You can't leave me here like this with him!
As one scientist to another, I beg you for mercy.
Science shows no mercy, and neither do I.
That's good. Thank you.
Let's go, Holly.
Ready?
Ready.
Chaka? Technically, I'm still your master!
Marshall?
Holly?
We made it!
Thank you. Thank you.
I just want to say you have grown into a beautiful woman.
Oh, no...
Hey!
Where's Will?
He went to a better place.
You killed him?
No.
No, he went to a strange world,
a world of dinosaurs, monkey people, lizard people,
a hole in space and time, a virtual land of the lost.
And as hard as it is to believe, Will chose to stay.
All right. Cool.
WILL: Yeah, did you see those Sleestaks kick the crap out of Enik?
I've never seen them move so fast.
WILL: Yeah, I couldn't agree more, little buddy. Tunic.
Hop up. I got you, come on.
Whoa!
Man, you are deceptively heavy.
Oh, my God.
Chaka! My God! We're kings!
Yeah.
Are those what your women look like?
Hop off. Be cool, be cool, be cool, be cool.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Easy! Stand down! Stand down.
I got this.
How's it going? I'm Will. Pretty much Chaka's best friend.
I'm here to offer y'all protection
and shelter and really pretty much anything
that you guys would ever need, okay.
Hey, how's it going? Hey, yeah. Okay, yeah, that's denim.
Denim, yeah. Yeah. Well, look at that, huh?
Hey, you're back there, too. Okay. This was definitely a good choice.
This is Today, with Matt Lauer.
It's been some time since my final guest was here,
but after the remarkable events of the past year,
he needs no introduction.
He's back with a new book and more startling evidence
of, you guessed it, time warps.
The pipe's allowed. I asked.
That's great news.
You've had quite a year.
Actually, a stellar year, Matt.
In fact, I brought you back a dinosaur egg,
which my beautiful partner and lover,
Holly Cantrell, was gracious enough to transport.
And I'm obviously very excited
about my new tome. It's a book.
Sixteen weeks on the New York Times bestseller list.
Let me get to your discovery, Doctor, because...
This is for you. I signed it.
You're supposed to say the title and the publisher.
That's not gonna happen.
Just say it. No.
Just say the damn title.
Fine.
Matt Lauer Can Suck It, by Dr. Rick Marshall.
I was so surprised that your attorney signed off on that.
I was like, "Are you sure? Is this gonna be okay?"
He said, "Yeah, go for it. "
Son of a bitch. You...
You puss!
And we're clear.
If anyone sees Matt, can you tell him he forgot his egg?