(THUNDER CRACKLING)
(MAN PANTING)
(GRUNTS)
(CHOKING)
(LEPRECHAUN LAUGHING)
Scream as you may, scream as you might,
if you try to escape, you'll be dead on this night. (LAUGHS)
Curse you.
I'd rather be dead than your slave.
(GASPS)
(PANTING)
(CHUCKLES)
Oh, William, foolish William.
Your shoes are filthy.
Yeah, what trick is this, now?
Don't you know what day it is?
It's a day like any other, since I tried to take your damn pot of gold.
It's the 17th of March,
the feast of St-Patrick.
And your birthday.
Ah! 'Tis a special birthday for a leprechaun.
I'm 1,000 years old.
Tonight, I can claim my bride.
Who'd marry a creature like you?
Wait till you gaze upon this lovely lass.
Her lips so soft, her face so fair,
her bosom so ample. (CHUCKLES)
She's a fit match for me.
And what evil trick will you use to woo her?
LEPRECHAUN: Tis simple.
She sneezes once, she sneezes twice,
she'll be my bride when she sneezes thrice.
Sneezes three times?
Ah! And if no one saves her soul,
by speaking "God bless you," the fair maiden is mine forever.
And am I to be her slave as well?
Oh, no.
The moment the lassie's married to me, then you, my slave, shall be set free.
You'd like your freedom, wouldn't you, William?
You know nothing is more precious to me than freedom.
But why should I believe you?
By the sacred vow of the wee people.
When I am wed, you'll have your freedom.
Ah!
Behold, my chosen bride.
WILLIAM: May your wedding be blessed.
And I'd thrash any soul who dared try and stop this union.
Oh, please, master, no.
What troubles you?
Is she not beautiful enough for me?
The girl, she's my daughter.
Oh, really. Then we are to be related.
(SNEEZES)
Please, master.
I swear,
I'll find you a score of lasses fairer than she.
Oh, don't worry.
I'll be gentle with her on our wedding night.
Now, just one more sneeze, and you'll have your precious freedom.
(SNEEZES)
God bless you, my child.
(GRUNTS)
(CHOKING)
(WILLIAM STRUGGLING)
You pathetic fool.
You thought you could outsmart me,
the genius of Killarney.
A curse be placed upon your seed when you go dead.
You may have saved your daughter,
but on my next thousandth birthday
I'll stalk your fairest offspring and claim her as my bride. (LAUGHS)
(CHOKING)
Happy St-Patrick's Day.
- (GASPS) - (LEPRECHAUN LAUGHING)
(PANTING)
(SCREAMING)
LEPRECHAUN: Soon.
Soon, my dear.
It's almost time.
(CARS HONKING)
Trust me, this tour is incredible.
You won't believe your eyes.
It will be the most frightening experience of your life.
Is it really scary?
Let me put it this way, you're not pregnant are you?
Because our insurance won't cover us.
- (LAUGHING) - We've had our problems.
Heart conditions, emotionally unstable or suggestible,
please stay away.
This is not the tour for you.
Let's go, this is one of those rip-offs.
Sure, walk away, I understand.
If hearing the actual sound of Jayne Mansfield's head
being severed from her body is too intense for you,
well, then, you know, more power to you.
Maybe you should try Disneyland. It's probably more your speed.
Now, listen sport, are you saying that...
I'm not saying anything.
This tour's too much for most people.
Now, if you'll excuse me.
You, sir.
Are you interested in the uncut, uncensored truth
about Hollywood's dark side?
Hey, honey, didn't we see this the other night on A Current Event?
No, sir, you did not.
This is the stuff the TV networks just don't have the guts to show.
I wanna go and you're too scared.
You can just meet me back at the hotel.
Step right in, madam, there's a window seat reserved just for you.
I am not scared.
You can wait for her at this really cute ice cream parlor right down the block.
Give me two tickets.
Now there's a brave man. You won't be sorry.
Hey.
An award-winning performance. (LAUGHS)
Can we get away, now?
Bridget, I'll be just a minute,
let me just get these last two suckers and I'm all yours, okay?
I understand. How can I compete with Jayne Mansfield's severed head?
- Well, you can't. - (LAUGHS)
You folks are in luck. We've just had two cancellations.
Better grab these now, our next opening isn't until December.
Wow!
Looks like our lucky day, huh?
All right, sure.
- And there you go, okay. - Great.
Down that way, right around the back, there, yup, there you are.
Hop in.
Right into the deluxe observation chamber.
Be prepared, everybody.
I will now summon your guide to the dark side.
Mortimer, the all-knowing.
All loaded in.
Now it's just you, me, and a ton of hot steel going two hundred miles an hour.
Cody, we're going to the go-kart park, not the Indy 500.
A boy can dream, can't he?
I can't believe we're actually gonna spend the afternoon together.
Listen, this job's important.
I gotta make enough money to pay for my sister's eye operation.
Good plan. If only you had a sister.
Oh, you know me too well.
- Let's go nab your uncle and split. - Okay.
Okay.
- (CHUCKLING) - Morty!
Well, I'm glad to see you guys got that cleaning lady.
Hey, Morty!
He's not under the shirts.
I know where he is.
You look like the kind of a man
who can recognize a great opportunity when he sees one.
Now, by investing in a Darkside Tour franchise,
you can turn death into dollars.
I can personally almost guarantee you a 45% annual return.
How about you guarantee you pay for that last round?
Frank, I am entertaining a client.
Sir, by being a partial franchisee,
you can own 5% for a mere $600.
What do you say? Do we have a deal?
Your family will thank you.
(CHUCKLES)
- What is it? - Bad luck.
Come on.
Frank, you are a witness to this transaction.
Morty, let's go, we got a full hearse waiting, come on.
Well, let them wait.
May we have another round, please, to welcome
the newest member of the Darkside family.
Bridget, it is always a delight to see you.
You know,
you are never too young to invest in your future.
Morty, you've already given me a dozen brochures.
I'll let you know when my father reads them, okay?
She's a great kid, Cody.
May I have another drink, sir?
What the hell is that?
Red special rye.
Cola and water. You've had enough.
How dare you!
I am as dry as can be.
Cody? The usual?
Thank you.
This'll just take a second.
I'm sober.
I'm sober!
Wait. Wait.
Okay. Give me your comb.
I don't have one. You look fine, come on.
It's a great day today, Cody.
I just sold another 5% share in the franchise.
Look, Morty, we got a full hearse waiting for the tour,
I even suckered two rubes for the deluxe package.
- Let's go. - Just two?
You're slipping, kid.
I was in kind of a hurry. Bridget and I have a date to meet up with some kids
from school down at the go-kart park.
Ah, l'amour!
But one day you'll wake up.
And you'll realize there is only one thing a woman wants.
She will grab your heart, tear it outta your chest,
and throw it on the floor.
Not now, Morty, please, they're waiting.
Indeed they are.
Now, where are my keys? The dark side awaits us.
Where'd they put the door?
You can't give the tour.
- Why not? - Well, because you're plastered.
So, what difference does that make?
What is rule number one?
I know, I know, never turn away a paying customer.
I may be a little loose, but I am not so far gone
that I will turn away a packed hearse.
On the other hand, there's always rule number two.
Which is?
Never kill a paying customer.
We may have to cancel the tour.
Here, give them their money back.
Morty, you really are plastered, there's almost $300 here.
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
BRIDGET: Cody, let's go! We're already a half an hour late.
- Give me the keys. - Where you going?
Rule number three. There's no such thing as a refund, remember?
I'll give the stupid tour.
That's my boy.
Bridget.
You ready to go?
Ah, yeah.
BRIDGET: (LAUGHS) What is it?
Well, we don't have to take the bus to the go-kart park.
Marty's gonna give us a ride in the hearse.
Sort of.
CODY (ON MICROPHONE): Welcome, death seekers.
I am Baron Von Cody-stein,
your substitute usher into the Darkside.
Our cruising altitude this afternoon will be six feet under. (LAUGHS EVILLY)
If there's anything we can do to make your tour more terrifying,
please do not hesitate to scream.
(WOMAN SCREAMING)
Is there gonna be a bathroom stop?
When are we gonna see the death houses?
There's some carols in the glove box. Give me number fifteen?
From this cliff high above the Pacific Ocean,
lies the death site of...
You gave me the wrong card.
Oh, did I?
Here you go.
WOMAN: My husband is sick but he ain't dead!
Get that creepy-ass vehicle off of my property!
There ain't nobody dead.
And stay outta this neighborhood, don't you come back in this neighborhood
no more, we don't need 'em like you in here!
We are a happy family here, we don't need you in this neighborhood!
Uh... By the way, that was the final resting home
of Bela Lugosi.
Well, then, who the hell was that?
His stepdaughter, Stella Lugosi.
Aw!
I should've taken the bus.
Look, this is the last stop and then we're there, okay? I promise.
You'll love this one, this is my favorite.
These ruins you see on the right
are all that remains of Harry Houdini's once vast mansion.
Listen carefully and you can hear his screams.
During his life, he could escape from any bonds,
yet his spirit cannot escape from these haunted grounds.
(WOMAN SCREAMS)
(MAN CHUCKLES)
(COUGHING)
(GROANS)
(GRUNTS)
(LEPRECHAUN GROANS)
Ah. Ha-ha!
Bah!
Blended Canadian?
The only whiskey is Irish whiskey. Ugh!
Ha!
Is that a bit of gold I see?
(MAN GROANS)
(MAN STRUGGLING)
Sit back, my friend. You may feel some pain.
'Tis a pity I forgot my novocaine. (LAUGHS)
(GRUNTS)
(CRACKING)
(GRUNTS)
Ah. Ha-ha!
Now, rinse.
(MAN GROANS)
(LAUGHING)
(GROANING)
(LEPRECHAUN CHUCKLING)
(KARTS PASSING)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
What the hell are we doing here?
Uh, bathroom stop, ten minutes.
Thank God!
CODY: Bridget, wait a second.
Ian.
Bridget, I'm glad you could make it.
Where is everybody?
They're already down at the track.
Did you change your hairstyle? It looks great.
(LAUGHS) Thanks.
Bridget.
Can we just go outside and talk for a second?
IAN: Cody.
- Still running that classy tour, huh? - (DEEP BREATHING)
Come on, Bridget, let's get down to the track.
I saved a special crash helmet just for you.
Don't you have to work?
Not if you're here. I can get someone to cover for me.
(HEAVY BREATHING)
Hey, Billy. I gotta take the night off.
Can you come down and watch the shop?
Listen, Bridget, I'm really sorry...
- Oh, my God! - (BARKING)
Andretti! No!
These are our friends. Now scram.
That's just Andretti, our guard dog.
- Come on, let's go start our engines. - (BRIDGET LAUGHS)
Bridget.
Just give us a second, okay?
What if I come by and pick you up later?
It's okay, I'm sure one of the guys can give me a ride home.
Wait a second.
Look, next time things will be different.
What makes you think there's gonna be a next time?
MAN: Where we going now?
This is our moment of silence for the souls of the damned we visited on the tour.
You know, this tour sucks.
I told you this was a rip-off.
Yeah, he's right. Why don't you just take us back to Broadway, okay?
Fine!
(ALL EXCLAIM)
(SIRENS BLARING)
Operating a vehicle-for-hire with only a learner's permit,
running a red light,
endangering the lives of passengers,
no insurance, and six seatbeit violations.
These are serious offenses.
That punk.
When I get him home, I'm gonna throttle him.
Just take it easy. I think we gave him a pretty good scare.
Well, you just show me where to sign, I'll take him off your shoulders.
I can only release him to his parents.
Oh, his parents passed away three years ago.
God rest their souls.
I'm his legal guardian.
Um, do you have a pen?
The kid with the hearse.
Sergeant...
You look like you're about to retire.
Have you ever thought about investing in a franchise?
My pen?
Oh, right.
Well, you just keep this and think it through.
Have a good night, Sergeant.
What did you think?
Did you think these guys wouldn't catch you?
These are LA's finest.
Yeah, I guess I just wasn't thinking.
Damn straight!
Thank you, officer.
Why don't you take one of these for yourself?
You missed your calling, you should've been an actor.
There's no money in it.
How you feeling?
My stomach, you know. Nothing a little Bromo won't cure.
(MAN SHOUTING)
No, I'm telling you, this guy came out of a tree up at Houdini's place.
And he tore my gold tooth out, look.
Can you give a description?
Yeah, yeah. He was about three feet tall,
had a green suit, and striped socks, and a little hat, and a little hat.
And I bet he had little gold buckles on his little black shoes.
Yeah! Yeah, that's right! Yes, yes!
Happy St-Patrick's Day, boys.
Get him out of here.
No, no, no!
Come on, look at me, he hurt me, he's gonna hurt somebody else.
Let me go! Let me go! Listen!
You see that? You keep drinking, you're gonna see little green men.
Don't be a wise-ass.
This place gives me the creeps, let's get out of here.
There's gonna be blood on your hands if you don't do something!
He's gonna jump somebody else! Let me go!
Let me go! He's gonna hurt somebody! He hurt me!
Spin, spin, my little guide, point the way to my fresh young bride.
What is this?
It's a quarter.
What'd you expect?
Your gold would be nice.
Funny.
Tim Streeter, United Creative Agency.
Call me if you get a showcase.
Ah.
(SCREAMS)
Oh. (LAUGHS)
Methinks I'm going to like this town.
Finger-licking good. (LAUGHS)
(MUSIC PLAYING)
MAN: (ON TV) Kiss me.
Bridget?
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
- What are you doing? - Shh!
Thirty-one minutes! It's free!
Nothing tastes as good as a free pizza.
Now if I could only figure out how to get free beer.
Everything's a scam to you, isn't it?
Damn right. Come here.
Have some pizza.
No, I ain't hungry.
What's a matter?
I think I really blew it with Bridget today.
She's a great girl, how could you do such a thing?
Well, you got drunk, so I decided to break our date
and give the stupid tour.
You did the right thing.
You went after the cash.
Women are trouble every time.
Forget her. Come on.
We'll play some cards.
Keep your eye on the red card.
Three Card Monte.
Oh. It's a perfect game.
The chump gets lured in, he forgets everything else.
All he sees is that money in front of him.
And then he gets that look in his eye,
and you know he's a dead man.
And then it's time. And you make your move.
Where you going?
I've been a chump, it's time to make my move.
IAN: So did you have a good time tonight?
Yeah. Thanks for the ride.
Hey, wait up.
You said your parents weren't home.
So?
Well, aren't you gonna invite me in?
Ian, you know I'm going out with Cody.
I thought you guys called it quits.
No, we didn't. Good night, Ian.
Just a second.
I took the whole night off for you.
And what about those chili dogs?
Ian, you better go.
Come on. Just a couple of minutes.
I said, "No."
I get it. You're just a tease.
- Well, tease this. - (IAN GRUNTS)
Stuck-up bitch.
BRIDGET: Ian?
- Bridget. - Ian?
I'm so sorry. I don't know what I was thinking.
What are you thinking now?
I was thinking maybe I could make it up to you?
That's a start.
Well, are you just gonna stand there?
(LAUGHS)
You hear that?
Ian, come on.
Why don't we go inside? This place is giving me the creeps.
I may change my mind again.
Kiss me.
A vision before you. Appears to be true.
But a leprechaun's magic fools humans like you.
(LAUGHS)
(IAN SCREAMS)
(IN BRIDGET'S VOICE) Was it as good for you as it was for me?
(LEPRECHAUN VOICE) Ha!
You shouldn't fool with me, lass.
(LAUGHS)
She sneezes once, she sneezes twice,
she'll be my bride when she sneezes thrice.
(LAUGHING)
(DOORBELL RINGS)
(CHUCKLES) Ian, you idiot. You just never give up.
Forget it.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Get out of here or I'm going to call the police.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
You really are mad at me.
Trick or treat.
Wrong holiday.
Got it covered. Can I come in?
This is a surprise.
I was a real jerk today.
Here. Take 'em.
They're beautiful.
Not as beautiful as you.
- Do you forgive me? - (LAUGHS)
- Cody. - Yep.
I can never stay mad at you.
I've learned my lesson.
From now on I promise nothing's gonna come between us.
(WINDOW SLIDING)
Let's go put these in some water.
(BLOWS)
(SNEEZES)
Great. I buy you flowers and you're allergic to them.
I'm not allergic. Come on.
"Cody." Man of few words.
I didn't know if you'd be home.
Didn't want you to think some stalker was leaving you flowers.
(SNEEZES)
Gesundheit. Maybe you should put those in another room or something.
It's not the flowers.
But even if it was, it doesn't matter because I love them.
(BLOWS)
(SNEEZES)
God ble... Ahhh!
(LAUGHING)
(SCREAMS)
I've searched this fair land far and wide.
At last I've got me a leprechaun bride.
Who are you? How'd you get in here?
(RATTLING)
Cody!
Somebody help!
(BRIDGET SCREAMS)
(LAUGHS)
Please. What do you want?
It's not a proper wedding without a wedding ring, now, is it?
With this ring I thee wed.
(GASPS)
I may now kiss the bride.
(STRUGGLING)
(CHOKING)
That's a good girl.
Ah! My gold!
- Are you okay? - Yeah. I'm fine.
Let's get the hell out of here.
- He killed Ian. - This is crazy.
Ahhh!
(BRIDGET SCREAMS)
(WHIMPERING)
(LEPRECHAUN SCREAMS)
1,000 years ago a man stopped me from taking my bride,
I'll not let it happen again.
Cody, please!
Bridget!
LEPRECHAUN: It ain't much, but it's home.
(GASPING)
What do you think of your bridal chamber?
It's awful.
I know it lacks a woman's touch, but you'll change that.
Well, shall we?
Oh, God, please.
Aw. Now, now, my dear, I've waited 1,000 years for this night.
But it was worth it.
Just to claim an O'Day for my bride.
Oh, my name's not O'Day. You made a mistake.
O'Day is in your blood.
(SNIFFS)
I can smell it.
I know what you need. A little Irish whiskey.
Just to put you in the mood.
Okay.
That's the stuff.
(PANTING)
(SCREAMING)
Ah!
A little family reunion.
You have his cheekbones. (LAUGHS)
- No! - I'm glad I have a frisky lass.
I like to play games too.
No. Please.
Let's play...
Bedtime for Bridget.
(GASPS)
(SCREAMS) How did we get here?
A leprechaun's home has many surprises.
That's no way to treat the father of your children.
- Oh. Didn't I mention? - No!
You'll be bearing my wee ones soon.
- Get me out of this! - Oh, silence.
(BRIDGET TREMBLES)
(INHALES SHARPLY)
LEPRECHAUN: I'm going to have to make a few alterations.
But afterward you should be able to bear a full litter.
These will need sharpening.
Why?
Why are you doing this?
Aw.
Don't worry your little head about it.
- You'll get used to the pain. - (WHIMPERING)
We'll have to make some changes to your face as well.
'Tis a fair face.
But the wee ones won't suckle if you don't look like them.
- No! - They can be very demanding at times.
Many changes.
No!
- No! - Ah, stop that.
I just want to go home.
But you are home, my sweet.
And home is where you'll stay.
Something new, something old.
Let's be together on leprechaun's gold.
It's missing.
A gold shilling. It's not here.
It's missing. I must have it back.
(BRIDGET WHIMPERING)
Don't leave me tied here, please. I'll do anything.
I'll do...
I wanna make myself look pretty for our wedding night.
I wanna look pretty for you.
You're my husband now. I want to please you.
That you will.
Here's a proper wedding dress.
Be sure you're wearing it when I return.
But before I go...
Kiss me, I'm Irish.
(SCREAMS)
That's just a taste of things to come.
Rm going to get my gold.
You'll try to escape, but it's hopeless.
(LAUGHS)
Cody?
I've searched this house for my gold shilling.
The fool that holds it is due for a killing.
WOMAN: Hey, Bill.
I think we have a suspect.
Found these flowers and this note in the kitchen.
Cody Engels.
Parents told me he's the girl's boyfriend. They said he's bad news.
Anyway they had some fight this afternoon and he brought over the roses.
(SCREAMS IN FRUSTRATION)
I don't know about that.
No, I haven't seen him.
- Morty? - Jesus, kid.
- How did you get in here? - Fire escape.
- Are you all right? - Yeah. I'm fine.
- You're not gonna believe this. - Listen.
The cops are looking for you every place.
They found this dead kid at Bridget's, she's gone, everybody says you did it.
Me? That's crazy! I would never...
That's what I told the cops, now what the hell happened?
A leprechaun did it.
- Maybe I should call the cops. - No.
Wait a second. Look at this.
Okay. So you got a gold coin and it's old and it looks like the one in this book.
It's probably worth some cash. But this leprechaun story...
Give me that thing.
Cody?
If you were taking some dope, you would tell me, right?
Morty, you gotta believe me. I saw a real leprechaun.
You mean, like, three wishes, and give me all your gold and like that?
Get out of here, kid. That's a fairy tale.
This is no fairy tale. I saw what it can do.
Look. Leprechauns are devious creatures.
They are conniving. It says here they live by trickery, even get pleasure out of it.
Maybe I should've kept you away from all this supernatural stuff.
He dropped a rack of pots on my head, Morty.
Oh. Now I'm convinced.
Look, look, look.
They possess telekinetic powers and can turn invisible at will.
They are masters of illusion.
Both leprechauns and fairies can only be harmed by wrought iron.
Right. Right.
And they're all greedy as hell,
and they love to drink, and they make those shoes,
and they all have little pots of gold, and if you catch them,
they grant you three wishes, and all the rest of that crap.
Look I have read that stuff. It's made up.
It's not real.
I use that kind of junk to sucker in the tourists.
Would you listen to me please, Morty.
On his thousandth birthday, the leprechaun laid claim to the lass
and by daybreak she was never heard from again.
My God. That's why he came for Bridget.
I should've returned this book to the library five years ago.
I don't know what you saw, but leprechauns don't exist.
What's that you say? Leprechauns don't exist? Ha-ha!
I want my gold.
I'll not say it again.
You know what I want.
I'll trade you the coin for Bridget.
Ah, a fair trade, lad. Give me the coin, and she's yours, I promise.
- Are you crazy? - You can't trust a leprechaun.
- Did you read the book? - Let's get out of here.
The place is crawling with cops.
All right. Fire escape.
(LEPRECHAUN GRUNTING)
Hold on a second. My foot's caught. Ahhh!
Now you've done it. You've welched on a leprechaun.
(SCREAMS)
That is one pissed off leprechaun. Quick! To Brennan's!
Great idea. It will be packed.
(WOMAN LAUGHING)
Did you see what happened when he touched the bars?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wrought iron. Keep moving. Keep moving.
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
It's time to take a leak.
- So how are we gonna get Bridget? - (SHUSHING)
Let me see that coin again.
That son of a bitch is real. I actually saw him.
- Morty! - Sorry. Force of habit.
Every second we waste...
Who knows what he's doing to her right now.
Don't worry about it, kid.
I know how much she means to you. We're gonna catch that little bastard.
We're smarter. I know what I'm doing.
Where are you going?
I'm going to get a drink.
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
Yo, man! Want my gold?
Come on.
Take 'em.
Thanks.
It's real milk chocolate.
- Watch it, nosebleed. - Sorry, man.
Morty, listen. Houdini's ruins. Don't you remember?
The drunk at the police station said a leprechaun stole his gold tooth.
He came out of a tree at Houdini's ruins. That's where Bridget is.
Let's go. Morty, come on. Let's get out of here.
Morty. Hello. Morty. Come on, let's go.
Morty?
He's here.
Maybe we should go now.
Too late.
Have I mentioned that I want my gold?
Not until we get Bridget.
Bridget? Don't you know she's a married woman.
Let me handle it. I got an idea.
Um.
Listen up, people. Listen up.
My little buddy here just got married.
What do you say we raise our glasses and toast his good health.
- Cheers. - Congratulations.
Have a drink. It's on me.
You got a problem?
Maybe it's just part of that leprechaun myth
that they can all hold their liquor.
Now don't be ashamed. It's nothing to be embarrassed about.
Why don't I just get you a little green lemonade.
(ALL LAUGHING)
I can handle my drink.
(ALL CHEERING)
Oh, really?
Frank, can I have a bottle of that Red special rye.
I'd like to share with my little buddy here how a real man drinks.
FRANK: Coming right up.
Uh, what are you doing?
Watch it and learn.
(ALL CHEERING)
Drink what you want, drink what you're able,
if you're drinkin' with me, you'll be under the table.
Come on. Let's cheer him on. He's one of us.
(CHANTING) One of us. One of us. One of us. One of us. One of us.
One of us. One of us. One of us. One of us.
One of us. One of us. One of us.
(ALL CHEERING)
One way or another I'll find a way out of this hell hole.
(GRUNTS)
You're my hero, homie. I'm 5,000.
- When do we go get Bridget? - Relax.
She's safe as long as he's here.
Pour all you want, pour all you can,
you won't beat me 'cause I'm a leprechaun.
Chaun. (LAUGHS)
(BURPS)
You thought you were fast. You thought you were sporty.
You thought you were clever, but not as clever as Morty.
All right. You're done. Now let's go get Bridget.
Didn't anybody ever tell you not to drink and levitate? (LAUGHS)
Face it, my little friend. You're gonna have to do what we ask.
(MUSIC PLAYING ON JUKEBOX)
(GRUNTS)
- You okay? - I'm fine.
Go get the little son of a bitch.
No sign of him.
I'm sorry I let you down, kid. (SIGHS)
I had my chance and I blew it.
Look. Wrought iron is the one thing that can harm him, right?
I got an idea.
Kiss this, you slimy creep.
Yeah. I have a little wedding present for you when you get home.
(LEPRECHAUN GROANING)
(SIGHS)
Okay, pal. St. Patrick's Day is over. Time to go home.
Don't be giving me any attitude, all right? I got to close up.
Aye.
Very good. We have a method actor.
What's you next gig, huh?
One of Santa's elves or one of the seven dwarfs? (LAUGHS)
I'm not an elf or a dwarf.
I'm a leprechaun.
Look, I don't care if you're the Tooth Fairy, all right?
I just want you to pay up so I can get out of here.
Ah. So it's my gold you'll be wanting.
Uh, Gold Card, Visa, MasterCard, I'd prefer cash,
but maybe you're a little short.
(LAUGHS)
Boom. Gotcha.
One should never try to take a leprechaun's gold.
You're really into this, aren't you?
(IMITATING LEPRECHAUN) "One should never try to take a leprechaun's gold."
(LAUGHS)
You kill me.
Huh?
Now there's an idea.
Ahhh!
(LAUGHS)
(SCREAMING)
Please, no!
(MAN SCREAMS)
Don't touch. It's hot.
(LAUGHS)
Heigh-ho, heigh-ho.
(DOG BARKS)
Come on, Andretti. Come on. Yeah. We're friends. Yes.
There you go. Little late night snack. Yum.
Nice work.
Now are you sure that safe is big enough?
Yeah. It's huge. Big old wrought iron thing.
If it's a tight fit, I ain't shedding any tears.
Me neither. Come on.
There she is.
These won't work. How are we gonna open this?
Combination.
I've taught you well.
Yeah? I'll send you a postcard from San Quentin.
Hey, give me a hand with this stuff, will you?
Okay.
Put it back.
Come on.
(BOTH GRUNTING)
We'll get a double hernia trying to lift this into the hearse.
Uh. Try to find something that builds a ramp and I will get the car.
Okay.
Ramp.
Security, buddy. Keep your hands where I can see them.
Damn! You're breaking my arm.
You just tripped off a silent alarm, buddy. You're going down.
Going down where? You're a freaking security guard.
That's security officer, pal.
Any more perps around?
Perp? What the hell are you talking about?
You're mine, tough guy.
Wait right here.
(DOOR OPENS)
(DOOR CLOSES)
(SIGHS)
You may think this line is getting old.
But believe me, son. I want my gold.
(GRUNTING)
Look, pal. There's a big misunderstanding here.
Now if you just un-cuff me, I can reach my wallet. You get what I mean?
Are you trying to bribe me, scumbag?
I take my job seriously. Don't try anything.
I've got 60 hours of combat training.
(GLASS SHATTERING)
You should've had 65.
This guy's got to have a gun.
(MORTY GRUNTS)
It's my old friend, the drinking champ.
You didn't happen to see the young lad around here now, did you?
No, I came here alone.
Wrong answer.
- Where is the boy? - I don't know.
I'm here, shortstuff.
- Come and get it. - LEPRECHAUN: Ah!
My gold.
The offer still stands.
The coin for Bridget.
Don't give it to him.
I'll keep what I have. And I'll let the two of you live.
That's my offer.
- No deal. - MORTY: That's telling him, Cody!
So be it. I'll come get it myself.
(LAUGHING)
(LEPRECHAUN SCREAMING)
Nice job, Cody. I'm proud of you.
Hey, you all right.
Well, I used to think hangovers were bad. I just hope nothing's broken.
How does it feel in there, huh?
Ahhh! Let me out of here.
Ahhh!
What's the matter, Houdini? Can't get out?
Let's go get Bridget.
Absolutely.
What is it?
Well, we need a ramp to get this into the car.
You know what? There's some two-by-fours in the closet.
Well, get 'em.
What the hell are you doing?
Morty, you locked me in.
It's payback time.
LEPRECHAUN: Get me out of here.
Not yet. Come on. You know the routine.
You're caught. You owe me three wishes.
Morty, we got to go get Bridget now.
I know what I'm doing. I want my three wishes.
Three wishes? Morty. No. You're screwing it all up.
Don't worry about it. We'll all get what we want.
- LEPRECHAUN: Open this door. - Not yet.
Not till I get my wishes.
Now, I could ask you for a million dollars.
Even a billion dollars, but no.
What I think I would like is your crummy pot of gold.
Morty. God! Stop it!
You hear me in there? I want your gold.
Morty, don't do it. Let me out of here.
LEPRECHAUN: Oh. It's a greedy man I'm dealing with.
- Don't. - LEPRECHAUN: Are you sure you want it?
Oh, I'm sure. My first wish is for your gold.
So be it.
Where is it?
Oh, it's coming.
(GROANS)
(COINS DROPPING)
(GROANS)
Get it out. Get it out of me.
Oh, God. Morty! Morty, no!
Get it out. Get it out of me.
LEPRECHAUN: I could do it, but you have to let me out of the safe first.
Do you wish me out of the safe?
Yes, God damn it. I wish you out of the safe.
Where the hell are you?
LEPRECHAUN: You'll have to open the door. It's wrought iron, remember?
Didn't you read the book?
(GROANING)
CODY: Stop it, Morty!
Morty, stop it!
Your second wish has been granted.
Get it out. Get it out!
Ah! You see, you shouldn't be so greedy.
Get it out of me! Get it out!
So, uh, is that your wish?
Yes, yes, yes.
I wish you to get it out of me.
Very well.
Ahhh!
Morty, no!
(GRUNTING)
A-ha!
I missed you.
Help me.
Love to, friend. But you're all out of wishes.
(GLASS SHATTERING)
Morty, come on, man.
Why'd you do it?
No! No! Morty, no!
All right, you little bastard. Come and get me.
Drop that weapon, psycho, and get up.
How many more people have you killed tonight?
- What are you talking about? - I know who you are.
I saw you in the news. Whole town is looking for you.
Put your hands up.
And move out slowly.
Don't try anything funny. I'm taking you in.
GIRL: Help. Help me, please.
- It's a trick. Don't... - Shut up!
What kind of spree are you on, sicko?
- No, it's the... - I'm not afraid to use this.
Now take me to her now.
GIRL: Please, help me.
(IN GIRL'S VOICE) The boy has hurt me.
We're coming, ma'am.
(LAUGHS)
- Listen to me. Call for backup. - Shut up.
Freeze!
(ENGINE RUNNING)
What is this? Some kind of trick?
You'll not be taking the boy anywhere.
I'll have my gold.
- (LAUGHS) - (TIRES SCREECHING)
Ha! You missed me!
No!
(LAUGHS)
I want my coin. Give it to me.
I'm not giving you anything until I get Bridget.
You're gonna have to kill me if you want your stinkin' piece of gold.
So be it.
(LAUGHING)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(SCREAMS)
I'm not dead.
You will be if you don't give me my coin.
You can't do it, can you?
As long as I have this.
You have to give it to me.
You want it? Come get it.
I'm gonna save Bridget!
And then I'm gonna get you!
You can't hide from me!
I know where you live!
Have you had your iron today?
I'll be waiting. (LAUGHS)
A leprechaun's home has many surprises.
Sweetie, still playing games?
Come out. We may be having a house guest soon.
Where have you been?
I've been so lonely.
How could you leave a bride on her wedding night?
Later, my dear. I have to prepare for our visitor.
What visitor could be more important than me?
After all, I thought you waited a thousand years.
- (BRIDGET CHUCKLES) - That I have.
It's been a long millennium for the leprechaun.
He's had no one to care for his needs.
BRIDGET: Oh!
Well, that's what I'm here for.
To give you what you...
Deserve!
My favorite awl.
My dad gave that to me and you've gone and broke it.
- Now you're in for some trouble. - (CAR APPROACHING)
Please!
Ah.
Sounds like our guest has arrived.
Don't go anywhere.
Bridget?
(STRUGGLING)
Bridget?
(GASPS)
Oh, God!
(EXCLAIMS)
A little lost, are you?
(STRUGGLING)
(GASPS)
What a cliché.
(GROWLS)
Give me the coin.
The coin.
(BRIDGET GROANING)
(COUGHING)
SKELETON: Hand it over.
The coin!
(CODY GRUNTS)
(SKELETON GRUNTS)
Come on, son.
(GRUNTS)
Give it to me. Get the coin.
SKELETON: I'm trying, master.
(LEPRECHAUN LAUGHS)
(SKELETON WHEEZING)
(GRUNTS)
Bridget?
Where are you?
Whoa!
Ahhh!
Give up the coin, lad, and I'll set you free.
No!
- Bridget! - Cody!
Are you all right. What has he done to you?
Surprise!
Don't take another step.
Cody, run! Get out of here.
- I'm not leaving without you! - Go!
What will you do now, Cody?
You think you can beat me here in my home?
Take your damn ring back, I don't want it anymore.
Run!
A game of hide and seek. How lovely.
(LAUGHS)
You know you won't get out.
(CACKLING)
- (GASPS) - Shh!
Don't scream. He'll hear us. Come on. We got to find a way out.
- Cody, I've tried. - We'll do it together. Now come on.
That's what you think.
We're right back where we started.
There's got to be a way out of here.
Let's try this one.
Déjà vu.
Ah.
Let's try this one.
What are we gonna do?
I got an idea.
Bridget?
Bridget!
Ah! Are you all right?
I saw him. I saw the leprechaun.
- Where is he? - He's back in the tunnels.
I managed to get away. Come on. You're not gonna believe this.
But I actually found a way out of here.
- Well, let's go. - Wait. Do you still have the coin?
Yeah. Why?
Leave the damn thing here. That's all he wants.
But, Bridget, as long as we have the coin, he can't hurt us.
- We're dead without the coin. - No. Listen to me, Cody.
If leaving the coin keeps that creep from following us,
we've got to do it.
- But... - No. I know it's scary.
It'll be okay.
Give me the coin and let's get out of here, please.
I love you, Cody.
(BRIDGET LAUGHING)
LEPRECHAUN: You lose. (LAUGHS)
I fooled you. Now there's nothing to protect you.
I have the gold coin and there's no stopping me now.
You can't outsmart a genius.
Where's Bridget?
Don't hurt him.
- I'll go with you. - Yes, you will.
But first it's time to finish this annoying boy off once and for all.
Like hell.
BRIDGET: Cody! No!
Cody, no!
He's dead?
It's over?
It's really over?
Cry as you may. Cry as you might.
It's gonna be one hell of a wedding night.
In your dreams.
Ahhh!
Real milk chocolate, genius.
Ahhh!
He's gonna blow.
(ENERGY CRACKLING)
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
How did you know it wasn't me you gave the coin to before?
He kisses differently than you.
Whose kiss you like better?
I'll have to think about it.
(BOTH LAUGH)
BRIDGET: Are you gonna keep it?
Trust me, it's not worth it.