My name is Ash,
and I am a slave.
Close as I can figure it the year is 13000 AD and I'm being dragged to my death.
It wasn't always like this.
I had a real life... once.
A job.
Amm.. Hardware, out 12. Shop smart, shop S-Mart.
I had a wonderful girlfriend...
Linda.
Together we drove to a small cabin in the mountains.
It seemas that an archeologist have come to this remote place
to translate and study
his latest find.
Necronomicon Ex Mortis. The Book Of The Dead.
Bound in human flesh
and inked in blood.
This ancient Cimmerian text contained bizarre burial rights,
Funerary incantations and demon ressurection passages.
It was never ment for the world of the living.
The book awoke something dark in the woods.
It took Linda.
And than it came... for me.
It got into my hand and it went bad.
So I lopped it off at the wrist.
But that didn't stop it.
It came back.
Big time.
For God's sake, how do you stop it?! NO!
ARMY OF DARKNESS
Subtitles provider: Sibirski
Where the hell...
Wow... now... easy now chief.
Amm... I don't know how I got here,
and... amm... I'm not looking for any trouble.
What a piece of armor is this?
Wiseman!
Mu lord, I believe he is the one written of in the Necronomicon.
He who is prophesized to fall from the heavens and delier us from the terrors of the Deadites.
What? That bafoon?
Likely, he is one of the Henry's men!
I say to the pit with him!
To the pit!
You miserable bastard!
Get off of me!
All right men, you've got something to look forward to...
Lor Arthur approaches! Raise the port!
Lord Arthur!
Where is my brother?
Did he not ride with you?
Aye!
And fought valiantly. Last night he fell in to Duke Henry's men.
I'm sorry Sheila.
Stop it you bastards! Barbarians!
Stop it! Stop it you little brat!
Thou art a murderer! Black murderer!
My brother's death shall be avenged!
Company pull!
Kill him! Into the pit!
You sir, are not one of my vassals.
Who are you?
Who want's to know?
I am Henry the Red. Duke of Shale, Lord of the Northlands and leader of its people.
Well hello mister Mr. Fancypants.
I got news for you pal, you ain't leadin' but two things now: Jack and shit. And Jack left town.
Shut your mouth!
Gentleman, lord Arthur!
There is an evil awakened in this land,
and while my people fight to their very soul against it,
you Henry the Red, waged war on us!
-Charlatan! It was you who raised your swords on us.
And this evil is fought my people as well!
Your people are no better than the foul corruption
that lies in the bowels of that pit!
May God have mercy on your souls.
God's name, what hell lurkes there?!
Aye. Into the pit with the bloodthirsty sons of whores!
-Heavenly God! -He's escaping!
Wow! Holt it! Wait a minute...
You gotta understand
I've never even saw these assholes before!
Henry, you gotta tell him you don't know me.
We never met. Tell 'em!
I do not think he'll listen, lad.
Look, I'm telling you. You've got the wrong guy.
Spikes.
Ay, he said spikes, give him spikes.
Make way!
Strange one!
Damn you. Damn you.
You know, your shoelace is untied.
Alright,
who want some?
Who's next?
Huh? How 'bout it?
Who want some?!
Huh? Who want's to have a little?
You!
You want some more?
You want a little?
Do ya? Want some more?! Huh?!
Now get on those horses and get out of here.
Let him go!
-Halt! -Thank you generous hosts!
Swordfight!
For that arrogance I shall see you dead.
Yeah. All right you primitive screwheads! Listen up!
See this?!
This is my BOOM-STICK!
12 gauge double-bareled Remington, S-Mart's top of the line.
You can find this on sporting good's department.
That's right this sweet baby was made in Grandrappids Michigen.
Retails are about 109.95$
It has a wallnut stock, cobalt blue steel and a hear trigger.
That's right. Shop smart. Shop S-Mart!
YOU GOT THAT!
Now I swear, next one of you primates, even touches me...
Now, let's talk about how I get home.
I pray thee to forgive me, my lord. I believed thee one of Henry's men.
First you wanna kill me, now you wanna kiss me. Blow.
So, what's the deal? Can you send me back or not?
Only the Necronomicon has the power. And a holy book which we also require.
Within its pages are passages, that can send you back in your time.
Only you the Promised One can quest for it.
I don't want your book, I don't want your bullshit,
just send me back to my own time, pronto, today ch...
You shall die!
You shall never taim the Necronomicon!
We shall feast upon your souls!
It's a trick. Get an axe.
Oh my eyes! I'm blind!
Yo she-bitch!
Let's go.
If the Necronomicon falls into the hands of Deadites,
the whole mankind can be consumed by this evil.
Now, will thou quest for the book?!
That one.
Groovie!
What's the matter? Raised in a barn? Shut the door.
The wiseman says thou art the Promised One.
It is said thee will journey for the book to help us. And thou will lead our people against the evil.
Only reason I'm going to get the book is to get home...
I believe thou will be leaving in the morning.
Don't touch that.
Your primitive intelect wouldn't understand alloyes and composition and...
things with molecular stucture and... What are you doing here, anyway?
I want to say that all of my hopes and prayers go with thee,
and I made this for thee.
Good, I need hors' blanket.
Gimme some sugar baby.
What? What is it?
This path will lead you to an unholy place, a cemetery. There a Necronomicon awates.
When thou retreves the book from its cradle you must recite the words:
Clatoo, Verata, Nicto.
Clatoo, Verata, Nicto. OK.
Well, repeat them.
Clatoo, Verata, Nicto.
Again!
I got it! I got it! I know your damn words alright?!
Now you get his straight, both of you!
If I get that book, you send me back. After that I'm history.
What is it boy?
Ready, aim, fire!
Oh, ough, you lousy little...
What a horrible nightmare. Oh God!
I can't move!
OK little fella. How 'bout some hot chocolate? Huh?!
How'd you like a taste of that? How'd you like a...
Oh dear God, it's growing bigger!
I'm bling. I'm blind.
Where are you taking me?
What are you?
Are you me?
I'm bad ASh.
And you're good Ash. Little goody two-shoes!
Good, bad... I'm the guy with a gun.
That'll teach ya. That'll teach ya.
You shall never retrev the Necronomicon!
You'll die in the graveyard before you get it!
Hey, what's that you got on you face?
I'll come back for you!
Three books?!
Wait a minute. Hold it.
Nobody said anything about three books.
Like... like what am I supposed to do?
Take one book, or all books?
Or... or what?
You... I'll get back to you.
Well, it seems fairly obvious.
Ouh, wait a minute... the words... rght, right, right.
Say the words.
CLATOO...
VERATA...
N...
Nicty, Nictor, Nicle...
It's an "N" word. Definitely an "N" word.
CLATOO, VERATA, N@$#*%^!...
OK than. That's it!
Hey, wait a minute. Everything's cool.
I said the words!
I did! No!
You people seek cover!
Seek your children!
Something's wrong! Something's amiss!
I'll crush you, I'll mash you, you bony things...
I'm threw being their garbidge boy. I did my part.
Now I want back. Like in the deal.
I live...
... again!
Hey, the Promised One! The Promised One has returned!
He is the Promised One!
He brought the Necronomicon!
Yeah, great, great. Fuck out of my face.
The Necronomicon quickly. Did you bring the Necronomicon?
-Yeah, it's... it's just that... -Just what?!
Nothing. Here.
Now send me back, like in the deal.
When you removed the Necronomicon from the cradle, did yopu speak the words?
-Yeah, basically... -Did you speak the exact words?
Well maybe I didn't say every single tiny little syllable, no, but basically I said them, yeah.
Damn thee fool! Thou has doomed us all! When thee spoke the words the army of the dead awoke!
Now, wow,wow right there spinach-chin.
You said that you can clean this mess up, once you got that book.
You said there's a passage in there that can rid this thing and send me back.
It's true. The book still posesses the power to send you back, but to us... It is useless!
The evil has a terrible hunger for the Necronomicon! And it will come here, to get it.
We had a deal. You wanted the damn book, I got it for ya.
I did my part now you send me back!
Very well. As we are a men of our word we shall honor a bargain.
The Wiseman shall return you to your own time.
Yeah?!
We thought he was the One.
Yeah, right, cause that was the deal.
When do you think we could... start with all the... thing in a...
-When do you think we can start with all the... ceremony and... -Wretched excuse for a man!
The Wiseman was a fool to trusted you.
I knew he couldn't be trusted.
I still believe that thou will help us.
Oh, Sheila, don't you get it?
It's over. I didn't have what it took.
So long.
But what of all the things we share? What of all the sweet words that you spoke in private?
Oh, well that's just what we call pillow-talk, baby. That's all.
It was more than that.
I still have faith in thee.
I still believe that thou will stay and save us.
I... Covard.
Help me!
Sheila!
Hold your arms you'll hit the girl!
Damn you!
Dig damn you! Dig faster!
I shall command every wormy flesh son of a bitch...
-...that ever died in battle. -Thank you sir!
-You there hansom me now! -Aye my leash! -We shall strong their castle and get my book!
Welcome back to the land of the living. Now pick up a showel and get digging!
Bring on the witch!
Gimme some sugar baby!
Boy, aren't you a sweet little thing?
Don't touch me you foul thing.
Come on.
That's it.
We've got planes for you valley girl! Move!
The scout approaches!
-Arise. -My lord.
An army of the dead is gathering in the wilderness, and approaches the castle.
-How far from here? -'Bout two days ride.
-Perhaps we should flee as soon as possible? -We'll be safe in the mountains.
It is written Arthur! It is been fortold!
-It'll take our souls! -We will die!
Go ahead and run! Run home and cry to mama!
Me, I threw running! I say we stay here and fight it out.
Are all men from the future loud mouth braggarts?!
Nope. Just me baby. Just me.
How we'll fight an army of the dead at our castle's walls?
How will you fight that?
More words?!
Most of our people had already fled. We are but 60 men.
Than we'll get Henry the Red and his men to fight with us.
Now, who's with me?!
I'll stand by ya.
You can count on my steel.
I'll offer up my courage.
And me!
Well my dear...
say hello to the boys.
I may be bad, but I feel... good.
-Who rules? -You my lord! -You sir!
To the castle!
They are comming! The Deadites approach!
There's so many damn of 'em.
Maybe... just maybe my boys'll stop 'em from taking the book.
Yeah, maybe I'm a Chinese jet pilot.
On the battle-station! Get those rocks on the double!
Ready the catapult!
By God let's give them one for!
Company halts! Company halt!
-Bing on the scout! -My Lord, we have position on both fronts.
-Fine, fine, fine... Where are they keeping my book?
There my Lord, beyond the wall.
That would be the most likely place.
Right. Bring me forth into the castle!
Forward!
By havoc let them loose the dogs of war!
To the castle!
Death to the mortals!
Arrows!
Torch by!
Steady...
Fire!
Squire, the second division approaching from the south.
Ram the gates!
Catapults!
Fire!
-Seek cover! -Watch out! -Make way!
Ough! Oh, you miserable bags of bones!
Pick yourselves up and sally arh... sally agh... sally forth.
Forward!
Clutches the door, now!
Oooh! That's gotta hurt!
Down you creatures! Arrows!
We've broken through! The castle's ours!
Fall back!
Protect the book!
God save us all.
Say hello to the 21st century.
Come on! I got plenty for everybody!
Up and get him!
Sheila...
We've secured the cortyard, my Lord.
Excellent.
-My Lord... -Stay with the book!
A bok where we are.
The Red! The Red! Duke Henry and his men arrived!
Bows, bolts arms and heads!
The book is mine.
Now I'll cut your desert out.
Hey, where'd he go? Hey!
Come to papa.
Get him.
Oh you crazy bitch, get off me!
You found me beautiful once.
Honey, you got real ugly.
There we are.
Wanna play rough, ey?
Prepare to die!
You're going down.
I'm goin' up.
I'm coming for ya!
I'll spoil those good looks! Backstabber!
We cant hold the battle!
We will hold! We must protect the book!
I got a bone to pick with you. Come on.
At last! The book!
I posses the Necronomicon!
No I'll have my vengeance!
Buckle up bonehead, cause you're going for a ride.
Victory is ours!
-Retreat! Retreat! -Let's get the hell out of here!
Hey Henry.
How's it going?
Well won my friend.
We're brother's then...
a new kingdom shall be born!
The book tells us that once you drink this liquid,
and recite the words: Clatoo, Verata, Nicto
thou shall awaken in thou own time.
Remember, you must recite the words exactly.
I thought about staying.
They offered me a chance to lead them, teach them... to...
to be king!
But my place is here,
so I swallow the juice, said the words,
and here I am.
Did you said the words right this time?
Well maybe I didn't say every single tiny little syllable,
no, but basically I said them, yeah.
Basically...
You know that story how you could have been king?
I... think it's kind a cute.
Yeah.
Die!
Lady I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to leave the store.
Who the hell are you?!
Name's Ash...
House-wares.
I'll swallow your soul!
Come get some.
Sure I could 've stayed in the past...
coul of even been king...
But in my own way... I am king.
Hail to the king baby.